pkristine1

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I never thought in a million years that I would be as close to my goal as I am right now. In May of 2010, I will be two years out from my lap-band surgery. If I never lose another pound, I will be satisfied. At my heaviest weight, I was 403 pounds. I currently weigh 203! I am comfortably wearng a size 14, but I am confident that I can easily get to a size 12 or 10. I have never felt so good in my entire life. The energy that  I have, the outlook on life that  have...truly amazing! I will post before and after pictures soon.

Even though I had lap band surgery on May 16th of 2008, my weight loss journey began several years ago. As I have indicated in previous entries, my highest weight was 403 pounds. The day of my surgery I weighed in at 305 pounds. So, in essence, I had lost close to if not exactly 100 pounds prior to my WLS.

The process has been slow, the weight loss has been steady. I weighed in this morning and was delighted to see the scale render 235 pounds. A while ago, I vowed to never be in denial about my weight. In an effort to maintain a certain level of honesty with myself, I took the plunge and reported the accurate weight for my drivers license. My license does not expire until 2010. Right now it says that I weigh 320 pounds. It is 85 pounds off!! - To my favor!

As I type my random thoughts, I will try to reiterate a constant theme which is that slow and steady, indeed, wins the race. I am approximately a month and a half away from my one year bandiversary. I wanted to be able to say that I lost 100 pounds within the first year. I don't know if I will get there. It doesn't matter if I do or not, becasue what I do know for certain is that I will meet my ultimate goal. I did the math today. If I started out at 403 pounds and I now weigh 235 pounds, that means that I have lost a total of 168 pounds.That is an amazing feat for anybody. If a person would dare say that I took the easy way out, I would respond that it has not been easy at all. It was the most difficult decision that I have ever made in my life, and I have to work hard, constantly to achieve and maintain weight loss. I have invested in a personal trainer, and work with him three days per week.  At that, my weight loss has been slow.

I feel better when I dress for work. I am looking forward to men doing tripple takes, when I walk by. I know it will happen because some are doing double takes now, and I still have a good amount of weight to lose. I have some struggles ahead of me though. Body image is no joke. Even though I look good in my clothes, being disrobed is an entirely different story. Where I was once inflated, I am now deflated! Thank God for a good push-up bra! My tummy definitely needs a tuck! And my upper arms will benefit from brachioplasty. In time, it will come. For now, I know that I need to remain focused and do what I need to do to get this weight off. Change my lifestyle, become increasingly more active and better scrutinize  my food choices.  My weight goal is to get to 175 pounds. This means that I only have 60 more pounds to go. I know that I can do it because I have already lost almost three times that amount! The last two times are inevitable.

God has been with me through this journey, and I trust that He will continiue to walk beside me. I know that I could not have done this alone. He has always known the desires of my heart. I trust Him to deliver.

It has been quite a while since I have posted anything here. Life has been hectic, but my band has been there for me through it all! It works! I may not have the big weight loss results so far that I had hoped for, but I am so confident that If I remain patient and continue to make lifestyle changes, I will be at goal very soon.

Over the past few months I have had to travel quite a bit. Airplanes were a nightmare for me that I dreaded. Not anymore! Being able to comfortably sit in any airplane seat and have extra belting available after I buckle up is absolutely exhilerating! Putting the server tray down in front of me for my complimentary beverage? Remarkable! I never thought it would be possible.  I went back to my hometown recently. The coolest experience was having people who know me well, do double takes because they were not aware of who I was. And you know the most amazing part of it all?  It will only get better as I continue my journey. I know my destination is to be a certain weight, size or fitness level, but honestly, the journey getting there is unmeasurable. I thank God for the decision that I made. My life has changed forever on so many levels.

Well, here it is near the end of November. Thanksgiving is less than a week away. Despite my unwillingness to believe that this lap-band would work for me, it is! I finally got decent restriction in October. My surgery was in the middle of May. Until October, I was able to maintain my initial weight loss and yo-yo back and forth with the same 4 or 5 pounds. Durning the month of October I was able to lose about 10 punds, and as I head into the end of November, I have lost about another 12 pounds. I am due for a doctor's appointment this coming Tuesday. I do think that I need a slight fill. I can eat much larger portions than I could two months ago, and I wake up hungry.

My surgeon is pleased with my weight loss. He says that I am above average for expectations. I haven't put too much stock in that because the only expectations that matter to me are my own.

Statistically speaking, since my surgery in May I have lost a little over 40 pounds. That may not seem like a lot to some, but to me, I'll take it. As
I have stated before, at one point in my life I weighed over 400 pounds. I am no longer over 400 pounds, I am no longer over 300 pounds, and very soon, I will be under 250 pounds.

I have been working out with my personal trainer on average at about 3 times per week. I do believe that I am building muscle which may have some bearing on the numbers that I see on the scale. A 40 pound weight loss and a number of inches that I never bothered to measure have gotten me from a 22/24 top to 14/16 or 18/20 top, and from a 24/26 bottom to a 20 bottom. As stated earlier, I'll take it!  I tried on some beautiful evening gowns at Bloomingdales today. Size 18. If I must say so myself, I looke really good. Damn Sexy!

I love the shape of my body that I am discovering. I have an hour-glass figure! When I lose all of my weight, I will have a small waist, wider hips, and a big ole booty! I ain't mad about it at all! Not even a little bit!  I never in my life thought that I would ever look in the mirror and think that I was sexy. Well, times do change!

I am so thankful for the mindset to make the decision to have WLS. It doesn't solve all of my problems, but it gives me the confidence that I need to face so many of the obstacles that confront me. The battle that I am winning against obesity gives me strength and courage to face other demons in my life. It is assisting me in becoming all that I am supposed to be. It is preparing me to inherit all that I am supposed to have. You know what's even more fantastic? The journey has only just begun!

Damn Sexy I tell ya! Damn Sexy!

Well, it has been some time since my initial banding. In a couple of weeks, I will be three months post-op. I am trying desperately to stay positive. I have not lost any more weight since my initial first few weeks after surgery. I have only had one fill, which was over three weeks ago. My surgeon did inform me that with the first fill, most people don't get any real restriction. He was absolutely correct in my case.  So, even today, nearly three months out of surgery, I am still basically on a diet.  What does that mean?  It means that I am failing at dieting!

I wanted to get to the 280's before my next fill, which is coming up on the 14th of August. I keep fluctuating between 289 and 303. I am working on re-establishing the use of bandster rules. I try not to drink with my meals, and I work on chewing my food, but I must admit that without proper restriction, it is just easier to fall into the habits of old, and eat the wrong foods.

I rededicate myself daily to this process. Some days I do okay, but most days I feel like a failure. Today, I feel like a failure.  I pray that the success that I am supposed to experience from this band is not dependent on will-power.

Since my surgery, I have been maintaining a good level of INSANITY!  You know, doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different reuslts.  Pre-banded life, I held myself to such a high standard of compliance to lose weight.  The result?  Well, first, a pervasive feeling of fa ilure when I didn't get things perfect.  As a perfectionist, this fit right in with my perfectionist attitude.  Basically, I felt that if you can't do something very well, then why bother?  If you don't try, than you can't fail.  What a horrible cycle.

What I have to remind myself of, and continue to work towards is the journey.  I have to continue to try new things when I don't get the outcome that I expect.  For example, why would I continue to not prepare meals, and expect to always make good food choices?  It never happens that way!  I need to try something different.  I know that seems so simple, but I kept telling myself that I would be strong enough and motivated enough to make the right food choices.  It rarely happens!  So why keep doing it?!?

What is crystal clear to me is that this journey is not about will power.  This journey is about realizing what has not worked for me in the past, and striving everyday to find what does work for me.

It is time to refocus.  I need to refocus so that I can see my way to the future on this journey.

I had lap-band surgery on May 16th.  That puts me at about 3 weeks out.  I have a lot of mixed emotions right now.  Unfortunately the two emotions pulling me in two very different directions are hopefulness and hopelessness.

By reading posts and looking at all of the success stories, I am hopeful that this band will work for me.  On my day of surgery, I weighed in at 305 pounds on the hospital scale.  Right now, my home scale says 295.6.  There usually is about a 3 pound difference between the two, with my scale being more forgiving.  I understand that I am in the healing process, and that weight-loss is not expected, but I certainly am hopeful for it.  As I continue to learn, practice and perfect the lifestyle that I will need to be successful, I am reminded daily of what a huge learning curve this is.  While the nutritionist and surgeon have guidelines for what to do, I realize that much of what I put into, and how I move my body is highly specific to me as an individual.  At times, it gets to be overwhelming.  This overwhelming feeling leads to a sense of hopelessness.

I wonder when, and on tougher days, if I will get all of this together.  I know that the key is to take things one day at a time.  Sometimes, I know I need to take things moment by moment.

I really wish that I had a support system where I live.  I certainly know that I can come to OH for information and support.  I also know that the hospital where I had my surgery has monthly support groups.  Those resources are great.  I am speaking of something beyond the virtual and remote.

I relocated to a state distant from my family.  I am here by myself.  Well, I do have my faithful beagle!  But, he isn't much for talking.  He's a great listener though!  And so appreciative of my presence.  Seriously, though, I don't have a network of friends.  I do have some co-workers who I hang out with from time to time, and I do have people that I can call in case of an emergency, but, for the most part, I am pretty isolated.

I used to talk to my best friend two or three times a day.  I didn't even have to set my alarm to get up in the morning.  His phone call was like clock-work.  And more often than not, we talked on the phone as I made my commute from work to home, and even still we would often talk on the phone before we went to bed.  That sustained me for friendship.  I know that's sad, but it's a long story that I would prefer not to get into.

It's not that I am anti-social.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  The problem is that I moved from a very diverse place to one that is not.  The people here are not so ready to embrace diversity, and I don't have the energy to fight it.  I am very thankful to God that He has given me an independent spirit, or else, I don't think I would have been able to make it here.  Sometimes, I do get sad and lonely, but that too, as all other challenges, passes.

I moved here for the employment opportunities.  I have no regrets about that.  I am definitely reaping the financial benefits and experiencing great professional growth and stability.  I feel that I am on course with what God has planned for me in my life.  I think I have packed enough love for myself on this journey.  I'm still standing, and walking strong.  What I know for certain is that whatever I didn't pack for myself for this journey, God will provide.

I had my lap band surgery on May 16th.  Prior to the surgery date, I was kind of nervous because I didn't think that I would loose the weight that I needed to in order to have the surgery.  My inability to lose the weight was purley psychological.  Afterall, prior to the weight loss surgery, I had lost and maintained a weight loss of nearly 100 pounds for over three years.

I can't fully explain why I was allowing me to sabotage myself.  God knows better, and wouldn't allow it.  In spite of myself, I was able to lose the minimal amount of weight required.

I did a bowel prep two days before.  That in conjunction with a three day liquid diet put me in the positionof having lost 12 pounds prior to my surgery date.  One of my personal goals was to be below 300 pounds before surgery.  The truth of the matter is that a goal without effort is just a wish!

I didn't put the kind of effort that I needed to in order to achieve the weight loss that I wanted, so on the day of surgery I weighed in at 305 pounds.  That is actually 2 additional lost pounds beyond what my surgeon required.

Since surgery, I have continued to lose.  I had very little appetite, and did mostly liquids.  My surgeon's group is not as conservative about the post operative diet as some other surgeons.  I was allowed to eat pureed foods on day 4.  Even though it has only been two weeks or so since my surgery, I am now eating solid foods.  My surgeon is supportive of this.  He said that right now, I should focus on allowing the band to settle in, and to allow my body to heal.  As other patients have said, if I lose weight during this time, it will be a bonus.

I started out on this web-site with a BMI of 52.5.  Today my BMI is 48.2.  I am appreciative of that.  To some that may seem rediculous, but when put into perspective, I feel phenominal about it.

At one point in time I weighed over 400 pounds.  Even though I am at the very top of the 200's, I feel like I will never have to weigh 400 or 300 pounds again.

I have admired obese women who are confident about their appearance.  I have always wanted that confidence.  I fake it, but I would love for it to be authentic. As many women have stated, the extra weight that I carry has been a barrier for me for so long.  We all have reasons why the weight is here.  For me, it served a real purpose.  At this point, in my life however, it has become a major hinderance, and crippler to my self esteem.   more later

I attended my pre-op seminar today.  It lasted three hours.  The other people there had so many questions, and their surgery dates are fast approaching.  I asked if anybody had heard of OH.  The only person other than me, was the nurse running the seminar.

I told them how helpful OH has been to me in my journey thus far.  Everybody seemed interested in taking a look at OH when they got back home to their computers.

My surgery is scheduled for May 16, and I am required to lose 10 pounds prior to the surgery.  I weighed in at the doctors office today and I found out that I have to lose six additional pounds.  The nurse there suggested that I do a two week high protein liquid diet.  I don't know if I can do  that, but I am going to try my best.

Just when I was about to give up this evening, and eat something solid and substantial, I decided to open a can of Progresso southwestern vegetable soup.  I am so glad that the can of soup was satisfying.  It gives me hope!

The count down is on.  I have fifteen days to lose six pounds.  What I would really like to do is to get below 300, but I don't know if that is possible.

Tomorrow I will do my best to get in some exercise.  At this point, everything  helps.

This past week, I had my final office visit. Even though Dr. Ikramuddin gave me a surgery date the first time I visited, I still have to be authorized by my insurance.  The staff there submitted my file for prior-authorization on Tuesday.  It sounds like there won't be any problems getting approval.  Now, I guess I just have to "hurry up and wait!"  It is my understanding that Medica usually takes the full two weeks that they are allowed to render a decision.

I have a final pre-op seminar that I have to attend on the 5th of May, and then a final weigh in.  My surgeon told me when I first met him that I had to lose ten pounds prior to the surgery, or he wouldn't do it.  At my initial weigh-in, I was 317.  That means that I need to get down to 307.  Today, I am at 311.  My personal goal is to be under 300.  299 will be good enough for me.  I used to weigh over 400 pounds, so to get out if the 400's and the 300's on my own, makes me more confident that I can get out if the 200's with the band.

I am so thankful for everyone who posts regularly on OH.  People may not realize how much they inspire others.  At the end of a tough day, when I have just about convinced myself that this is a long-shot, I sign on to OH to put it all into perspective.  

Although I have a support system, I don't have any family near by, and not too many people know about my decision, so at times, I feel pretty isolated.  If I didn't have OH, I would be a little lost.

Needless to say, I am looking forward to being a big time loser!