I have been keeping this journal for 16 years now and it's very long. I didn't want to start a journal and abandon it after a year or so. There are those who might follow it for encouragement and need to see what life is like 2, 3, even 10 years afterward. So, for you, I continue. I start off with my most recent updates, but to start reading from the beginning of my journey you will need to scroll down toward the middle of the site. It starts off the same way as it does up top....In the beginning....

 

2/1/19 - I have returned after a very long hiatus.  I am 16 years post-op and have regained approximately 100 of my 140 pound loss over the last 6 years.  The scale is currently going back down due to me starting to eat Keto for Bariatrics.  I'm so happy to report that I've lost 17.4 pounds in 4 weeks of doing Keto.  If anyone is interested in joining me for support, please let me know.  Cheers!!

 

7/20/2006

Hello AMOS family! I am still hanging in here. I have found 2 additional support groups and now have more opportunities to stay connected. It has been good for me. My friend Mary who is planning to have surgery accompanies me. We are each other's support. I am reliving the whole experience vicariously through her. She motivates me and I'm so excited for her.

I've met some people who are 3,4 and 5 years post-op. It's great to share with them and listen to their stories because after several years there is a whole new battle to fight as your body continues to change and you have to make adjustments.

THIS IS TRULY A LIFELONG COMMITMENT. You cannot sit back on your laurels and settle in. There will be times for you to break out the gloves to fight the good fight to stay healthy and not go back to old behaviors. REMEMBER: YOU'VE HAD THE OLD BEHAVIORS LONGERTHAN THE NEW ONES SO WORK, WORK, WORK!!!!

I wish everyone success and I encourage you all to NEVER GIVE UP!



6/3/06

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. I have been so busy and that led to laziness. But, I've returned to share with all of those who are interested in having this procedure as well as those who have already crossed over. To date, I've settled at a size 9/10. My weight has fluctuated due to my eating habits and excercise (or lack thereof). I'm embarking upon a changed diet, once again. I want to drop about 10 - 15 pounds over the next 2 months. Thank God it's easier today than before. It takes some discipline on my part but the payoff is great!

Here is a recent picture to see where I am now.


"This is my friend Christine who has been there for me since before I decided to have the surgery"

I also went to my first support group meeting since relocating back to Ohio. It was great. I was the only person with 3 years post op experience. I plan to continue going once a month to improve my discipline and increase my support.

I've started a new job, bought a new car, experienced a bunch of new things and life has been wonderful overall. My level of spirituality has increased and that has really helped my self-esteem. God loves me no matter what size I wear. Isn't that wonderful? *tee hee hee* It may sound funny, but believe me, when you don't love yourself completely, it won't matter what size you are because you will continue to be dissatisfied with something about yourself. I'm loving myself now, no matter what! I can always work on the things I don't like, but love myself in the meantime. I suggest you do the same or you will never truly be happy.

God bless you all!




2/2/06

Wow! Happy New Year!

Tomorrow will be my 3 Year Anniversary. I am very healthy and happy. I am still amazaed by my total transformation, both physically and mentally. I have no regrets for having had the surgery. I can only offer my support to those considering this as your way to your new life.

I have settled into my new body. I have my good days when I feel great about my body image and I have days when I feel like a total whale. I know that's my thinking and work on that on a daily basis. Overall, I'm very happy. I have gained about 10 pounds over that last year and now wear a size 9. I try not to allow that number to bother me (especially when I was down to a size 4). I know what I have to do to stay in shape and to lose any undesired pounds I have gained. It's winter and I'm less active. I will step it up in the Spring.

I send out a speical thanks to those of you who have helped me along the way, and in particular, Drs. Sighn and Averbach, Bea, Arlene and Cathy. I love you all and wish you all the best. Thanks for being such great doctors, nurses, nutrionists and therapists. You've left your fingerprints on my life forever. ((((BIG HUG)))).

To everyone else -- Don't give up your fight for a healthier and happier life - LIVE today and work toward a better tomorrow.


12/6/05



Happy Holidays Everyone! Here is a recent picture of me, taken on December 3, 2005 at my office's holiday party. I pray that everyone is safe and happy this holiday season.




11/15/05

I want to send out a very special shout out to my girl Janice Speed who made it to the other side with flying colors. She's very determined and focused and I know she's going to be very successful. You are in my prayers, Janice. God's Speed!!

Shanita has also returned after being off for 6 weeks and she looks GREAT! She's also well on her way toward success and I am very proud of her as well as Janice for being so courageous.

For those of you considering the surgery - it is a God-send. It isn't for everyone, but for those of us who choose to have it, we never look back. Step out on faith and LIVE!!




10/5/05

Shanita has made it to the other side and is on her way to a healthier lifestyle. I'm so happy for you girl. Take it slow and learn to eat to live. God's Speed!!!






10/3/05

Shanita - You are in my prayers as you embark upon your new life today. I am here for you, but best of all, God has your back. Let him carry you through surgery today and each day forward. You are a courageous woman and let no one tell you differently. I'll see you on the other side :)






9/8/05

Lately, I have been experiencing some light-headedness and dizziness as well as shakes and extreme fatigue like I have never eaten in my life before. I'd have to eat something really fast or drink something sweet. I thought it might be my diabetes flaring up so I decided to go see my doctor. After sitting with him and answering a few simple eating questions like "how often do you eat?", "what are you eating?", I realized that on a good day I might get 1,000 calories a day and with the activity that I have at work (out of my seat walking quite a bit), some of that is being burned off throughout the day. He suggested that I meet with a Dietician to work on my eating and get back on track. I can see where I have gotten off track and hadn't really recognized it until that discussion. I'm so conscientious about everything I eat. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not Ms. Health Nut either, but when I snack I am AWARE that I'm snacking and I have my days when it seems like that's ALL I do is snack -- usually before my menses.

Anyway, I see where I still need some improvement. I am still amazed at how I view myself. I feel so fat some days and just wallow in it. Then I can get on the scale, which isn't often, and realize that I haven't gained any weight, but lost weight. My mind can really play tricks on me and that sucks!

Well, that's my RANT for the day. I guess I'm pretty blessed to have this issue as opposed to being on the opposite end of the spectrum where I used to struggle with being too heavy. I really need to count my blessings!!!

Thanks for allowing me to share and God bless you all!!




8/19/05

Whew! It's Friday and I'm sooo happy. I hope all of you AMOS peeps are hanging tough. I am. I have lost another 3 pounds and that's surprising. It's wonderful to know I can loose weight just by eating soups, which by the way, feel great in my pouch and is very satisfying. Find out what works for you and JUST DO IT!!!






8/6/05

I want to send out a special shout out to "my girls" at work.

:::: Shanita --- Janice ---Dee---::::


I hope you can find some kind of inspiration from this site and your discussions with me. I hope you embark upon your journey fearlessly. I will be there to support you.







7/31/05

Hello everyone! I'm still hanging in there. I've undergone a tremendous life change since deciding to have surgery over two years ago (2/3/03). Life was a rollercoaster for me. I had to step off of that ride and re-evalutate where I really wanted to go. Thank God I did. Overall, it has been a blast. I did what I believe is typical for those of us who were once obese and then found ourselves inside a new body. I learned to adjust the best way I knew how in this new temple. I dressed it up, exercised it, allowed others to love it, etc. What I learned in the end, however, is that I had to love it -- me. I had to learn to accept my temple and all that it housed. I'm still working on it, but I'm a lot further along in this process today. I'm still amazed by the progress that I've made and all that came with it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about where I use to be and how I use to feel when I was trapped in that old body. Today, I am very grateful for another opportunity to live my life to the fullest. I work on things that I am able to change and I leave the other to God. For I have finally realized that I am not lateral to Him. I can do all things with His guidance. That's where I am today. I take comfort in this new way of thinking and it is easier for me to love myself (and others) when I know His love is even more abundant than that which I can offer.

I pray that all of you are granted this same opportunity. I pray that all of you lean on Him to get you through this process and all that will follow.




6/10/05

Wow! It's been a long time since I've updated this site. All is very well with me -- my weight is stable, my health is great, and mentally I am stronger and healthier than ever.

I have a new job and am very happy in my position and with the company!

Today I met a colleague who has also had the surgery (4 years ago). She told me where I could attend a support group as well.

I pray that all of my AMOS family are doing well, too. I miss you all. God Bless You All!!




3/28/05

Hello everyone! I just wanted to say hi to everyone and update my site. All is well with me health wise and personally. I am sober, healthy and in love. I look forward to the warmer weather and the ability to become more active. I will be moving with my partner in May. I can't wait!!!





3/17/05




Hello everyone! I'm still hanging in there. I have gained almost 10 pounds since the summer, but I can still fit all of my clothes. Some are tighter in the stomach area, but I plan to work on that before the weather gets warm. I joined a gym and plan to start exercising next week. I also started a new job that allows me to get out so I have less time to lay around over the winter. I bought some clothes yesterday -- size 7/8 and 6. I can't believe I can still fit these sizes even with the weight gain. I'm not complaining, however. I know I'll be back in my 4s and 6s over the summer since it's warmer and I am more energetic. My sister thinks I'm just fine where I am, but it bothers me that I've gain 10 pounds since summer. I'm really paranoid and do not want to get complacent with weight gain. I've come way too far to start getting lazy now.

I pray that all of you are doing well in your journey's too. I thank God for all of you and the surgeons for saving my life and giving me a fresh start. I will be 39 years old this year and I feel 21. I love it!!!

My aunt and both of my cousins who had the surgery are all doing well, too. It has been a life saver to many. Keep your heads up and keep the faith.






2/10/05

Hello everyone! I've celebrated my 2-year anniversary and have had success with the surgery and improvement in my life. Thank God for this surgery and it's surgeons. I have received so much in life since having had the surgery -- actually I went out and decided to live fearlessly. I'm reaping the rewards from that decision.

If I had to do it all over again, I would. I still cannot, and do not choose to eat more than I can or should. I eat a more balanced diet and exercise. I have so much more energy and confidence in myself. It was truly one of the best decisions I've made.








11/6/04

Okay, it's been a very long time since I've updated my site and believe me, I've been through a rough time. It's going to be hard to work through all of this alone, so I've enlisted some professional help -- therapist, pyschiatrist, support groups, and I'm working on developing new and productive friends, as well. I have learned so much through this support group and how important it has become to me, but at times there may be a need for additional support groups in other areas of your life. I find myself there now. A little bit shamed, but proud that I'm facing and working on my issues -- one day at a time. Keep me in your prayers because I've come so far and I know that I have greater things to accomplish, just as many of you who are reading this right now. We are purposed to be here so NEVER forget that, okay? I have, and so will you, go through things that will test your will and desire to go on, but please push through. I know I've inspired countless people and believe me, it has really helped me too, but when I really share the nitty gritty of what I've been through I hope I will be able to help you in a way that will be life altering. I love you all and really appreciate all the love I've recieved from you all. I will try to update more often, but I've filled my schedule with group meetings to get through this period that I may not be able to do it as often, but I will promise you one thing....I will give you the hard cold truth....as I see it *smile* --- no shame -- no gain :) I'm out for now! Oh, one shout out to Alicia and my Aunt Lula who both have come through to the other side and are embarking upon their own journal. I love you both!!!



10/20/04

:::: SHOUT OUTS ::::

Shout outs to Dell, Dorothy and Tiffany. Three women who are either considering or embarking upon their own journey. Keep the faith and read, research, ask questions, gather strength and just DO IT!!! I have your back, ladies!!!!

I was too ill to make my Plastic Surgeon appointment yesterday. That was very disappointing! I will have to reschedule the appointment.

My cousin Alicia is doing very well. Yesterday was her 1-week anniversary and I'm very proud of her. Alicia - I can't wait to see the new and improved you. I love you!!!

I admit that I have been lacking in several key areas: 1) drinking water, 2) exercising, 3)two nasty little habits that must be stopped! Pray for me peeps! I also have to be more consistent with taking my vitamins. These are all reminders for me to do a better job in maintaining my new lifestyle.

Take care to all who stop by to read my rants and ravs. I appreciate your spirit and encouragement. Love ya!!!







10/6/04


I've celebrated my 20th month since surgery and I am feeling great. I believe I've settled at a weight that I can maintain. That is, until I have abdominalplasty, which will shave off another 10 pounds or so. I am scheduled to meet with a Reconstructive Surgeon on October 19. I pray that he approves me to have the surgery to completely flatten my stomach and lift my soft thighs. That would make such a difference for me. In my clothes I look like everything is together, but out of them I want to see myself the same way. I know that I don't have as much skin as some people and that this is going to be a long shot, but nothing beats a fail like a try, so here I go! I just want to be able to wear low-rise jeans and feel good in them :) heheehehehee a belly-chain won't hurt either *smile*

I understand that if and when I have the plastic surgery I will probably end up a size 2. To hear that number freaks me out, but being a size 4/6 sometimes does as well. I guess I never dreamed of being that size so it takes a bit of adjusting on my part.


My cousin Alicia Walker had her surgery yesterday (October 5) and is doing well. She's at St. Vincent's Charity hospital in Cleveland, Ohio. Keep her in your prayers as she is embarking upon her own journey. She's 23 and is 349 pounds, but never again! I love her and will be there to encourage her through this life altering process. I'm confident that she will be successful in her own right.

I will attend the 2nd Annual Bariatric Reunion on Saturday, October 9 at St. Agnes HealthCare. I cannot wait to see Drs. Averbach and Singh, as well as Cathy Carr. They have been like angels to me -- giving me a second chance to live my life "fat-free". I'll take pictures and post them here, too.

I'm also spending all of next week in New York City. That will be so much fun -- to have tons of energy to walk those city blocks and window shop and just feel comfortable in my own skin. There's no better feeling, I swear.

Oh, I finally quit my sales job that had me all over God's green earth. It just didn't work out and it made me very tired and frustrated. I do have another job that starts in November. It's for a part-time Freelance Makeup Artist working at Sephoria I will be using UrbanDecay and HardCandy products. Check out the links. I'm really excited about this opportunity and will do it for as long as I'm stimulated.

Well, that's it for now. I thank all who visit and encourage me. I pray for all of us to continue on in our daily journey -- whether you are just starting out or are far along, we are all in this together. God Bless!





9/15/04

WOW!! I've been totally out of the loop. I had taken on a part-time job that felt like another full-time and had become so consumed that I had no time for support group meetings, updating my site, or just about anything else. Well, all of that is going to change!!! I am still going to work this job, but set my own hours and if they don't like it, then to HELL with them. I'm not going to work myself to death.

Okay, now that I've gotten off a little steam *smile* I would like to bring everyone up to date on my progress. As usual, I've struggled with my eating. Eating like I'm crazy the week before my period then almost not at all the other 3 weeks. I've got to get this under control. I haven't really lost or gained much weight, but I feel thicker in my mid-section. I think it's time for my tummy-tuck. I want to get it done soon and also a thigh lift. I understand that this will probably put me into a size 2 but to heck with it. I will NOT complain. I just never thought I'd ever fit into that size -- and I don't even see myself as small now, but my friends beg to differ!!

Anyway, I'm beginning a jazzercise class next Monday (twice a week). That will help me with overall conditioning, which I lack. I really need to get serious -- not to lose weight, but to just exercise my heart, lungs and muscles. I understand the fact that I may become smaller, but I can't let that stop me. It's just weird to be on the other end, I guess.

I have been getting my protein in by eating food -- no shakes. I also take a new vitamin just for women. I have recognized more bruising on my body and I believe that's from a lack of iron which is why I bought new vitamins. My hair is thick and full and I'm ready to do something different with it. Thank God it didn't fall out or thin too badly. I have to work on my body image, however. It's sad, but I still see myself as fat and jiggly. Some days I'm okay, but others, I feel like hiding. Jeez! When will this end!! *smile*

Okay, enough b*tching for one day. I'll check back with another update soon. I pray that all of God's children's are blessed beyond your wildest dreams!! Thanks for reading my journal and thanks for all of the encouragement and love you bring to my life. I love you guys!!!!



8/9/04

It has been quite a while since I've updated you on my progress. I have actually picked up some weight. I began taking birth control after having abstained from it for seven years. In the 3 weeks I had been using it (NuvaRing) I have gained a few pounds. I purchased a pair of size 4 pants just before I began using the Ring. I tried them on a few days ago and they were REALLY tight. I questioned myself for a second. I thought, did they fit this way when you bought them?!?!? NOPE! I knew it, but I just couldn't believe it had happened so quickly. Needless to say, I will NOT be using BC anymore. I am just too paranoid about gaining weight. I noticed that it increased my appetite, too. It's funny because when I went home to Ohio my family noticed the weight gain and said it looked nice. I guess I was really small-looking to them when I visited in May and the few extra pounds filled out my body better, according to them. I know its not the end of the world to go from a size 4 to a 6, but I'm afraid that it will be the beginning of a process that I may not have control over. And, for the first time ever, I feel like I am in control of my weight. NOPE, no more birth control for me. I cannot risk gaining more weight. I've worked too hard to get where I am -- although I didn't plan to be this small. I guess I could put a limit on my weight gain -- anything over a size 8 or 10 maybe. Naaww...I don't want to wait until I get to that point. I must stop it now. Whew! I am really worked up about that *smile*

Okay, one benefit from the birth control besides the obvious is this month I haven't experienced the cramps that I have in the past. They would have me stretched out on the floor, but they have been very light so far. For that reason, and that one along, I am thankful for the birth control. I guess I will have to suffer next month!




7/19/04


Here are a few pictures from a party I attended over the weekend. I had a great time!!























7/14/04

It's been a little while since I've updated this site. I'm in pain at the moment because I ate some nuts (cashews, pecans and walnuts) when I know I shouldn't have -- they are too rich for my pouch. I was doubled over earlier, but now I'm just bloated and feel like a stuffed chicken. Last week I did something really silly too. A colleague of mine took me out for lunch. We went to Mongolian Grill. Fantastic place to eat. Food was great, made way too much. Anyway, I had a huge glass of water with lemon and drank from a huge straw. Later that night I thought I would have to call 911 for an ambulance. I have NEVER had gas pain like that before!! It was just unbelievable. I didn't know it was gas at first, but a few days later I was telling someone the story and it just hit me like a lightening bolt --- DRINKING FROM A STRAW!!! So to anyone who reads this post -- please be careful. You ingest so much air when drinking from a straw. I was told not to, but I thought it only pertained to soon after surgery, but I guess that was wrong. I will not make that mistake again.

My weight has basically stabilized -- I think. I feel really great in my clothes and have so much more energy. I never dreamed I would get to where I am now. It has been the most FANTASTIC VOYAGE!! I thank God and all of you for your support and encouragement and words of inspiration. I couldn't have done it without you.

It has been 17 months for me and the months seemed to have just flown by so quickly. I encourage anyone who is interested in having this surgery to read, read and read. Then pray, pray and pray. After that, make your decision and hold on for the ride!

I admit that I still struggle with making sure I eat enough on some days, and on others, I do just fine. I work on achieving a balance and that's all I can do. It feels good to be able to eat just about anything I want to -- except those darn nuts, oh and ice cream and sherbert and sweet cereal and.... oh well... I have found great alternatives to things like that. They are watermelon, pretzels w/cheese, sugar-free popsicles, and popcorn (Cinnabon flavor). I only turn to these foods now and then and it's usually right before and during my menses. After that, I don't want them or even think about them until the next month. That is such a relief. I used to be preoccupied with food before surgery. I would wake up thinking about what I was going to eat for lunch and snack and dinner. No more! I have been freed, thank God!! Now, if I can just remember to eat at least 3 times a day I will achieve my balance. I'm okay with my size now, but I don't want to lose anymore weight. I just want to maintain where I am.

Okay, that's all I have to share right now. Take care and God bless all who pass by.






6/17/04


I have been doing a lot better with my eating habits. Not perfect, but better. I'm eating more often during the day (at least 3 events) and maybe one snack. I've lost a few more inches in my hips and thighs. Some of the size 8 pants are getting very loose. I'm not going to worry about it because I expected to lose a little more with the increased level of activity that I've been involved in on a daily basis. I really want to reschedule with the plastic surgeon to see if I can get approved for my TT and breast lift. I'm more hopeful for the TT than that lift, but I will shoot for both.

I went to the pool last weekend for the first time since last year. I felt really self conscience about my jiggly thighs. It's crazy, but I felt less worried about them prior to having surgery. After losing all this weight I still have the nerve to feel fat. I know it's all in my head, but damn! Can't I give myself a break?!?!?! Anyway, I wore a tankini. It looks like a one piece, but it's okay. It's pretty and I know it's a two piece so I felt pretty good about that. Hahahahaa!

I went rollerskating last night. I had a blast! I thought I was going to skate like I did in my youth. Yeah right! I was a bit shaky, but losened up later. Before the night was over I had purchased a new pair of skates and I plan to put them to use, too! There were so many good skaters out there and I would have been one of them had I continued to skate over the years. That's okay. I will get better and I'll be the one skating as smooth as my sweetie skates *wink**smooch*

Okay, enough ranting...I'm out!




6/4/04

Last evening's support group meeting was very emotional for me. I vented about things that had been on my mind and realized that several other people felt the same way. It's good to know that you are not alone in life's little travels. Thanks to everyone who listened to me and gave me their feedback. It really meant a lot.




6/1/04

I went home to Ohio over the Memorial Day holiday. It was one of the best trips I've taken in a very long time. I must say that I "primped" the entire time I was there. As though I had my own TV show. My "partner-in-crime" went with me and we were so damn prissy it was really sickening. I've never seen myself in that light before...primping just to go to the grocery store...taking 10 minutes to decide on which ear-rings I was going to wear. My poor sister was probably really tripping on me (us). I felt like I was "playing dress up". It has been so damn long since I've actually been excited about getting up and getting dressed...and dressed to the NINES, at that. I'm definitely a late bloomer. I love dressing up even when I have on jeans. I don't think I'll go to the great extreme that I did while in Ohio, but it was really fun. I am coming to the realization that I am a petite person now. I'm no longer "voluptuous" or "BBW". That has been a real eye opener for me. I'm working toward bringing a balance between what I look like in the mirror and what I look like in my own head. I know it will take a little while to find that balance, but I'll work on it daily.

I'm working on improving my eating habits as well. I've bought food that can be prepared very easily (the cure for my laziness), and that will provide me with a good amount of protein.

I have a new diversion in my life, too. It has taken me by surprise and I'm really tripping over it. I will need to back away from it in order to see it more clearly. *Sigh* Wow....that's all I can say about that right now.

That's it for me...for now...I'll be back :) Much love to all who read my journal.





5/19/04

I've struggled over the last few weeks. I have my good days (days in which I eat at least 3 times a day), and I have my bad days (where I'll only eat once). My weight is still steady so I'm not starving myself, but I know I need to do better nutritionally. I have to make a conscience effort to eat and take my vitamins. I do a much better job during the week, but on the weekends I just lose my mind. The last time I actually cooked a meal was last week when I made breakfast food, the time before that was a week prior when I made tacos. When I cook, it seems to last way too long and I hardly ever want it more than two days in a row. I finally cooked the corn on the cob that I bought a few weeks ago. I just felt bad having it go to waste in my refrigerator. I'm not really trying to make a profound point, I'm just venting right now. I'm not angry with myself, but I'm being observant of my behavior.

One good thing to note is that I am seeing some muscle definition in my arms. I love how they look after I've used my weights. The muscles are more pronounced, my veins pop, and I look so damn strong! I LOVE IT! I've always wanted to see myself with a more muscular body -- not in a masculine way, but in a fit feminine way. I do my push up and use loose weights. I need to do more sit ups to tighten my abs, but they are looking better as well. I have even thought about jogging again, but I will really have to cut out a few bad habits in order to begin that program. BTW: I bought my first 2-piece. It's a tankini. It's just like a 1-piece, but mentally, it feels good to know it's 2 separate pieces (although it does NOT show my stomach). Some times its just the little things that bring you happiness *smile*

Oh well...it continues. Over all, I am very pleased with my progress. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Thank you God for being so merciful and giving me what I asked and worked for :) Much love to all who pass by and read my posts! God Bless!!




5/3/04

My cycle came on Saturday and that was why I felt so bloated and craved sweets. Today I feel more in control. Ahhhhh.... It's funny how your self-perception before your cycle begins is so skewed. I felt like a big elephant. Today I feel slimmer and less bloated. Yesterday, I wore a sundress, size small. And though it was a size small, I felt large in it. That was until I looked in the mirror. Now I understand why some of my girlfriends who were much smaller than I was would say they felt fat. I would look at them and think they were crazy. Now, I can relate. Wearing a size 4, 6 or 8 doesn't save you from your own wicked thoughts.




4/22/04

Hello World! My state of mind has improved a bit. I've lost a few more pounds, believe it or not. I guess this will be the trend since the weather is becoming warmer and, generally, I don't eat much in the summer. I am looking forward to swimming on the weekends and lying out in the sun (I know, I know). I love the summer and I wish I could have endless summers each year. Oh well...

I am back in my watermelon eating mode -- breakfast, lunch and dinner. The one thing that will save me this year is making sure that I drink at least 2 of the Pure Protein drinks a day (35gms of protein per can). Then I can eat all the watermelon, strawberries, grapes, etc. I want to eat, and believe me, I can be decadent with fruit.

I have two favorite places to eat. Kelsey's Irish Pub for their seared tuna dish -- oh my gawd its so good! Copelands has a great filet mignon w/asparagus that is to die for! YUUMMMYY!! I recently had lunch at another fabulous place -- Mongolian Grill. You just have to experience it! As a matter of fact, I'm going there for lunch today. Can you tell I'm hungry??

By the way, I've made an appointment with a plastic surgeon for May 11. I'm going to see what happens -- pray for me. All I want is to tighten up my stomach, thighs and tits! Hehehehe!
We'll see how this goes.





4/14/04

Do you want to hear something that sounds really dumb? Okay, this is where I am (state of mind, wise) right now. Before I begin, I am going to thank God that I am well and more fit now than I've been in a long time. Now, having said that, here I go. In some sort of sick way, I miss being a thicker person. All of a sudden, I am missing that person. Not the inner being, but the physical part. I can't believe how I still pick myself apart after having lost so much weight and obtaining what I thought I wanted - a more svelte physique. I am embarrassed to say that I am still not satisfied. I guess when and if I get the TT and Breast Augmentation I'll feel more whole. I would also like to have a lower body lift as well. Right now I feel like a sack of potatoes. I just don't get it. Why can't I be totally happy and satisfied. I disappoint myself at times and this is one of them, but I can't help it. I am at least going to begin the process of seeking out a plastic surgeon and submit the paperwork for approval. If I can have all of these items done this year it would be fantastic. One question still remains, however. Will this make me HAPPY????




4/8/04

I'm yo-yo'ing again. I've lost the 5 pounds I've gained. And if you really want to hear something funny, I'm filling out an application for an Extreme Makeover. Okay, I admit that it's that "time" of the month, but I feel like I need a makeover. My sweetie/friend said he would not comment, but would ask me how I feel about it again next week. I guess I am PMS'ing a bit *smile* I feel that I look much better in cloths than out of them and I want to feel just as nice naked. Plus, the weather will be warmer and I know I will want to be at the swimming pool like last year. The problem as I see it is this year I am smaller, but less firm. I feel jiggly -- isn't there a song about that? Oh, that's let's get jiggy. Anyway... I guess I am never satisfied, huh?

Well, I'm going to blast off for home. I've been sitting at my desk all day with a heating pad against my stomach. My cramps are worse now than they were before I had surgery. In fact, I never had cramps before, but now....OHHHHH LAAAWWD!!! Here's one right now! Oooooooooccchhhh!! I can't wait to get home and in the bed with my heating pad. That's my best friend during this time. May God bless all who pass this way. Muuuaaww!!



4/2/04

I've gained 5 pounds!!!! I'm 160, but my clothes are still the same size and are not tight. I guess the fat is being replaced with muscle, but that jump scared me. I've started walking with my support group on Saturday mornings and I'm going to try to be disciplined with this. It will only help. I can't wait for warmer weather so I can roller skate, bike, hike and do all the outdoor things I love doing. I don't care how hot it gets!! I'm going to be very energetic this summer. I can't wear anything from last summer. I was a size 14 last summer and now I'm a size 6/8 so I will have to purchase a new wardrobe. I don't really care about that as long as I can find some nice sun dresses. I love dainty, girly, flowing dresses and sandles. I will be able to wear that this summer. YES!!

I found out that I should be eating at least 1,000 calories a day. I was under the WRONG impression that I should stay under 1,000. No wonder I have lost lean muscle! I will try to increase my calories, but do it healthily instead of eating junk. I know it will get harder in the summer because all I like to do is drink and eat fruit, especially watermelon. Whew, that's my favorite. I also have a new favorite. It's seared tuna from Kelsey's Pub in Ellicott City. WOW! It's so good and lots of protein. I've been doing better with my protein since I started drinking the PureProtein. I have been getting at least 70 grams of protein this way.

It was so good to see so many beautiful people at the support group meeting yesterday. Everyone is beaming and walking in their journey. I pray for nothing but success for each person. I love those guys and gals!!!

Well, I don't have much more to say and since it's Friday, I'm ready to get my groove on so I'm outtie! Much love and God bless to everyone who passes by. *Kisses*




4/1/04

BIG NEWS: My disease is officially in remission. I know that I am not cured, but I am feeling the best I've felt in years and I have all the test results to prove it! My doctors tell me that I am their "star patient". I can go on with my life and even have children. A special thanks goes out to all of the scientists and doctors with whom I've worked. They never gave up on me at The National Institutes of Health -- National Lung, Heart and Blood Institute. It's been a wild ride these past 4 years and I am most grateful for the research and drug therapy. I pray that this remission lasts a lifetime.




3/18/04

I've made it through another month of TERRIBLE cramps. I've never had menstral cramps like these before I lost all this weight. Heck, I'd be lucky to have a consistent cycle. But, now I have these cramps that are at times unbearable. I took St. John's Wart this month to see if it would help with the bloating and PMS. I think it helped, but I'll have a better idea next month. I didn't do too much snacking this time either. Usually, I have a sweet tooth, but I solved that with hard candy. However, I did indulge in drinking beer (lite beer), and a little wine. Not too much though. Overall, I think I handled myself quite well. I don't want to overindulge during my menses. I'll have to pay for it later and that's never any fun!!

I must admit that I am HATING my softness. I think I look much better in my clothes than outside of them. I feel like...like....jelly. ICK!!! I'm going to start jogging to see if that will help burn fat, tone and tighten up the muscle underneath. Then I'll see what needs to be sliced away after that!!! Well, I am far better off now than when I was 290 so I shouldn't complain. God forgive me and God bless all who read my posts. Love ya!





3/8/04

THANK GOD I MADE IT THROUGH!!

Okay, I made it through the eating binge. I had to do some real reflecting and find out what was causing me to turn to food. I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to make a change in my social life. I've been doing a little too much socializing, both during the week and on the weekends. This has to some extent left me feeling empty. I guess the attention and the excitment of being out among friends and others was becoming intoxicating on it's own, and coupled with a few spirits made it even more euphoric. But, looking back on all of that now, makes me realize that it didn't fulfill a void. What it did do was take my money, massage my ego slightly, and waste time that could have been used more productively. I also admit that not having experienced the "nite-life" in my youth or even as a young adult had made it that much more fun and exciting to be able to experience it as a woman, and most importantly, a woman who felt good about herself physically and emotionally. Yeah, well, the emotional thing is a bunch of crap, but I'm working on it. I've realized that I need to find more productive outlets for myself. Where as I used to turn to food when things went wrong, and even when things where going well, I cannot turn to food in that same way. Turning to bars and/or people isn't productive either. I am in the process of setting up a schedule for my life Monday thru Friday. A schedule that will nurture myself physically, emotionally, and financially. I can take a day on the weekend to hang loose, but not go CRAZY! As organized and I try to be Monday thru Friday, 9 to 5, it's funny how my home life can be so disorganized at times. I just thank God that I have the ability to stop myself in my tracks and reflect on the good and the bad, and then make changes.

I happened upon a GREAT tasting protein drink this weekend. "WORLDWIDE PURE PROTEIN" in frosty chocolate, and cappuccino. 35 grams of protein and 3 to 4 grams of carbs. I have FINALLY found a drink that tastes good to me now. I feel so happy because I'll use these a meal replacements. I'm not trying to lose more weight, but I need to increase my protein and reduce the carbs for my exercise routine. I want to really begin lifting more weights for toning and building muscle and I can only do it properly with increased protein. I have watched my body change in the last year and it continues to amaze me. I'm ready to take it to the next level to see if I can obtain the tight, slightly muscular body that I've always dreamed of having. I know I have to put it in motion to get there so here goes. I purchased a few new items last weekend. I bought my first dress since having surgery. A really beautiful oriental-styled and designed black satin dress that fits nicely. I also bought a fuscia-colored oriental-styled and designed jacket that fits like I always wanted it to fit when I saw them hanging in the stores. Both in size 8. I purchased a nice pair of slacks in size 6 (and they were a little loose, I probably should have bought the size 4), and a pair of jeans in size 8. Depending on the cut and/or style of the clothes, I can wear 4s, 6s, and 8s. Anything larger than that is too big. That seems unreal to me!!!

Well, that's enough for now. I'll update again later. Bless all who pass this way!




3/3/04

:::: EATING BINGE ::::

I don't know what's wrong with me today, but I have been on an eating binge!!! I have been eating/munching all day and it's bothering me. I don't usually do this so I need to find out what's eating me. I don't want to admit this, but I will list what I've had today. Doing this will let me see in black and white what I've consumed, and will hopefully shame me from doing it ever again.

Total for the day (so far)

2 cups of coffee
2 pieces of hard toast
1 biscut w/ham and swiss
2 glazed donuts
1 small breakfast square (raspberry filling)
2 thin slices of roast beef
6 or 7 forks of basmati rice
1 Vernors soda

I am horrified looking at this list. It's the most I've eaten in one day in so very long. I know I have recently stopped smoking socially and I wonder if this is the fallout behind that. I must get a grip! Please pray for me.




3/1/04

:::: BIG DEAL FOR ME ::::

Last Friday I had my 1-year post op appointment with Dr. Averbach. When he saw me he said "WOW"! That was so funny because he always has a calm look on his face and I thought it was really cute. I gave him a BIG hug because I truly believe that God worked through his hands to help change my life. He said I was at goal weight unless I felt I needed to lose more. We discussed all of the comorbidities that I previously had and none of them are currently affecting me. It has been a total turn around. I asked him about plastic surgery -- i.e. a TT and breast lift and he gave me some recommendations. I almost feel vain following up on this, but I really would like to know if it's an option or not. Although I don't have a lot of skin hanging, my stomach skin still loser than I'd like it to be and my on my breast as well. If' I'm denied I will not appeal, I will just deal with it, but if I'm approved then WATCH OUT! I will do whatever it takes to restore my body. The smaller I get the more I see that I could use these two procedures.

Okay, check this out. I am wearing a size 4 skirt at this very moment!!!! I cannot believe it when I type it. My girlfriend has tons of size 8,6 and 4s and has shared them with me. I tried this skirt on and was amazed that I could fit it. It cut a little bigger I'm sure, but the mere fact that it STILL is a size 4 blows me away. I never DREAMED of wearing a size under 14 and here I am wearing 8, 6 and 4s. I still don't see myself like everyone else does. I don't think of myself as small, but when I think about what one would look like wearing a size 4 it really plays with my head that I can actually wear that size as well. My counselor says it has taken her 4 years to adjust to her new body so I guess it will take some time for me too. Well, I'm planning to take some pictures soon to update this site. Maybe then I'll see myself differently.

May God bless all who pass by and read my entries. I love your feedback and encouragment. It really keeps me going! God bless you all!!




2.20.04

I had an exciting time last evening at the Support Group meeting. I was asked to share my story...my journey in this land of weight loss. It meant so much to reach out, and possibly, inspire someone to take control of their life. That's exactly how I feel. I admit that this sense of control is only over the desire to eat, or should I say, over-eat. It has not completely bled into other areas of my life, which I am constantly working on. As I've lost weight I've quickly realized that my being overweight was only a symptom of a much bigger issue. 'Weight issue being solved didn't bring about a complete answer for those issues. Those must be worked through with a therapist and a daily behaviorial modification. Wow, to think that I was only fooling myself all along -- "If I could just lose the weight my life would be perfect". HAHAHAHA!!! Yeah, that sounds really funny when I think about it now. Well, at least I know there is still further work to be done.

Back to the support group meeting. I almost cried when someone expressed how much my daily journaling has helped them feel that they were not alone in the journey. We are not alone and that is the glory of this. We are all here to connect on some level and to propel each other to the next, most-positive level. We have experienced enough discrimination and backlash from being over weight. It's time to L I V E. I am dedicating my life to being a positive force in others lives as well as my own. I know each day is not a bed of roses, but we can think back on the sweet scent of them on our worst days. I better get to work now. I could go on and on and on.....





2.9.04

Today I weighed myself and was shocked that I am now down to 150 pounds. I have lost almost 10 pounds in two weeks. I know I haven't been eating as much, but I didn't think I would lose that much so quickly especially since I am at my one-year mark. I try not to weigh myself very often and just go by how I feel in my cloths. A few of my size 8 pants are becoming baggy and my relatively new bras in size 36 DD are now too large. I think I have to buy a size 34 D. I MUST do better with my protein intake and calorie intake. Actually, I haven't done too badly with the protein, but I probably need to eat more often through out the day. I had to weigh myself several times to make sure the scale read accurately. I haven't lost that much weight so quickly since the first 6 months of having surgery. I'm going to begin working with weights more often to really build my muscle. I can see definition already. I just need to continue working out. The journey continues...





2.03.04

:::... H A P P Y ____ A N N I V E R S A R Y ____ T O ____ M E ...:::






2.2.04

Tomorrow is my 1-year anniversary and I'm so very happy to announce that I have met my goal. I've lost 130 pounds and dropped from a clothing size 24 to wearing a size 8 comfortably. It has been a phenomenal year and if I had to do it all over again I would. This surgery has transformed my life and I want to continue being good to myself.

Thanks to everyone who has stopped by my site and e-mailed your thoughts, praises, and encouragement. It has not only touched me, but also inspired me to pursue either motivational speaking or some type of public speaking on obesity and related issues. Thank you for the role each of you has played in making this dream a reality. I pray that everyone who reads my journal is blessed in some way or fashion.




1.20.04

BIG DEAL FOR ME: Okay, this weekend I wore my first pair of size 8 Levis jeans since I was in the 7th grade. I absolutely love Levis jeans. They are made for my shape (and flat behind). I was so happy to see myself wearing them comfortably and realized just how many sizes I've actually lost. My estimation is 16 dress sizes -- from a size 24 to a size 8. I'm still losing inches too. It's okay, I know my body will level off at some point. I didn't want to be as large as I was when I started, and as crazy as it seems, to be on the other end of the spectrum is a little uneasy, but I'd rather be on the small end than the other :)

Well, that's it for now. A very modest brag. I'm just very proud of myself and I thank God every day for bringing me through. Y'all have a good day now, 'ya hear?



1.15.04

Okay, I am in a battle. I have fallen off the eating wagon. I must eat. I have to begin a schedule again or else I will not get the recommended amount of calories/protein, etc. I made a huge effort toward this goal last weekend. I made egg salad, tuna salad, and chicken wings. I made a promise that I would have this for lunch, snack and dinner. I did pretty well on Monday. Tuesday was the beginning of me sinking back into the no-eating zone. Yesterday, I did a little better with a protein drink for lunch, some nuts and fruit, but I did not eat anything after 1:30 p.m. I knew I was hungry, but was too damn lazy to stop and eat. I do not want to waste away, believe me. I am aware of this issue and will work harder to get over this hump. Pray for me. I have lived at both extremes -- eating too damn much and now not eating enough. God, I know I will prevail.

On another note, I want to send a special thank you to all who have read my journal. I have received some wonderful feedback and it makes it all worthwhile. I feel completely exposed and I do not care. I have shed a whole person and with that, I aim to shed all the bullshit that keeps us from being a kinder, gentler human being. I know that part of my purpose on this earth is to share with, assist and lift up anyone who comes in my path. I am so thankful that I am able to accomplish this each day. So thank you for your support, love and wonderful notes and e-mail. Much love!





1.10.04

One month away from my 1-year Post-Op Anniversary! I'm so pleased to announce that I have met my goal. I have had a phenomenal year since having my Lap RYN on 2/3/03. I've lost an entire person -- roughly 129 pounds! I wished, hoped and prayed for success and God has blessed me. I want to be an inspiration to ANYONE considering this surgery. It can and will change your life. Having gone through this journey with NO complications, I have some words of advice. Please explore and work out your food-related issues before, during and after you journey. Believe me, those demons will rear their ugly heads again. I have been reminded of them and I refuse to allow them to take me back to that dark place that tried to steal my joy, my zest for living, and ultimately my life.





1.04.04

Tomorrow I return to work after having been off for almost 2 weeks. Ugghh....I have to get my LIFE in order. Get back on a schedule and follow the plan. Jeezzz...!




1.01.04

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

I have had a phenomonal year! I am so blessed to have accomplished a goal that has been like a weight on my back (no pun intended) for many years!! I have lost an entire person. I've almost lost half of myself. Another 20 or 25 pounds and I will have done just that. I think I am leveling off now which is good. I'm wearing a solid 8 now. I haven't felt this good in my clothes in so very long. It's a wonderful feeling.

My eating behavior over the holiday has been good. I've done very well. I also enjoyed some sweets, but on a limited basis. It's nice to have control. Thank you God!

I DEFINITELY need to get my butt in the gym again to begin the process of defining and redefining my body -- toning and tightening areas that have been left softer after losing all of this weight. Thankfully, I don't have to get a TT, but it means I have to work extra hard in the gym to get it to look rock hard. Am I ready for the challenge? Most definitely. I don't have that far to go get what I want and that is my motivation. Wooooo..........

Okay, I wish everyone a successful start to your new year. Much love!!!!

About Me
Bedford, OH
Location
41.6
BMI
RNY
Surgery
02/03/2003
Surgery Date
Nov 05, 2002
Member Since

Before & After
rollover to see after photo
Size 22/24
290lbs
I feel FANTASTIC!!
At Goal!lbs

Friends 22

Latest Blog 18

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