PrettyPixieGirl
Am I afraid to get to goal?
Jul 16, 2010
I have 15-25 lbs to go. My goal is somewhere vaguely 160-170. The closer I get the harder it seems to be. And I don't just mean losing the weight but not wanting to eat correctly. I am having a harder time saying No to the wrong things. We had an ice cream social at work last night. I had packed my lunch with all the correct SF snacks and calorie correct meals. But when I was offered that ice cream sandwich I didn't even think about it. I said yep thanks! Work's been hell. I deserve it. Besides I picked the one with the least calories.. only 300.. not so bad. And I ate it all. In the past I might have accepted a cookie but I would take one bite and have no farther interest in it.Now I know one time is not going to kill me but it seems little things keep popping up. I almost refilled my bowl of ceral this morning for a 2nd serving. I could feel I was at the normal full feeling but not the stuffed. I could have crammed more in.. maybe another bite or two. I had to stop myself. I haven't had the problem of wanting to overstuff myself since the first month I was allowed real food. The thing I love about this surgery is I can feel what full feels like and learn to listen to that signal and STOP eating!!
Am I sliding backwards? And if so what is it that is making me do this? I had someone tell me once that I was afraid of too much attention(male attention and so on) so I hid myself behind the fat. The attention has picked up but it's not like I have guys lining up to get my number. I do feel pressure at work when someone asks me how much did you lose now. I keep feeling like there are people waiting in the shadows.. waiting to see me fail so they can point and say.. see another WLS that failed.
I don't know what 160-170 looks like on me. I don't know what I will feel like. Maybe I am afraid I wont be happy then either. So if I never get to goal I wont feel disappointment in myself? I feel so close yet so far away. I can't imagine myself at 160. I just can not picture it. I don't believe it can happen. And I don't know why I can't or wont let myself picture it.
