Parenting is hard

Oct 31, 2011

One of the biggest challenges I have faced in my life is TJ’s epilepsy diagnosis. Compared to the other children I have seen or heard from the other parents who suffer from this same condition, I have to say we are one of the lucky ones if there is such a thing. I just hope he’s able to function fully as an adult on his own. Every parent wants what is best for their kid. We raise them to the best of our ability and when they are faced with challenges beyond their control or ours, it makes it even harder. It almost makes it an obsessesion to make sure we do everything in our power to make it easiest on them. I can see how parents of addicts are addicted to getting their children better. As good parents, it is just human nature to protect our children and make them better. It is heart breaking, heart wrenching to see our kids go through any type of hurt, challenge or tribulation. Through all of this, I have learned that I probably need to be on medication and I need to be a better listener to my child. I will defend him to the end, almost too much and perhaps that’s underlying guilt for the years I put a man in front on my own son’s feelings. Sad but true, that is how I sometimes feel. I completely lost myself in the years I lived in Southern California and my obsession was my boyfriend and pleasing him. My son should have come first and in my mind, I do not think that was possible. I never really talked about that in therapy and it never really occurred to me how neglectful I was to his needs until this epilepsy diagnosis this past year. Maybe all of this brought out some skeletons I never knew even existed. Maybe I am just over analyzing. Putting things in perspective, I should have left that relationship a long time ago and the guilt I still have in my heart is obviously still there. On the other hand, I would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for living in a toxic relationship for so long and I probably would have chosen another path in my life and never had met my husband or had my other son. I know everything happens for a reason and this epilepsy thing is just something that we have to face and make due with how things are. I don’t want my son to fail school. I want to hug him and make sure he knows I love him 100%. He is such a caring boy and to see him not do well in school and in life hurts me so much. All I can do is be an active role in his education and support him throughout this ordeal. I will always be his biggest advocate and his needs will always come before mine. Always. I was so blinded before and now I am feeling the guilt as any good mother should. It’s up to me what I do with this guilt and I have to learn to focus it into something positive. I never neglected him I just think I could have done better. And knowing that, tares me apart to no end. I am doing my best now and will continue to do so. I am able to do that now for him and me. Things have changed for the better and I have a wonderful husband that fully supports me and has to put up with my constant protective wall for my son. One, which I doubt, will ever come down.    

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