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I used to be thin, so I know what it feels like to be thin and feel great, and be admired.  I got pregnant and gained 65 pounds because of gestational diabetes and never lost the weight.  It just got worse with each subsequent chid.  It hurts to look at old photos and see how thin and beautiful I was.

Yeah, I hate the comments that are, "oh, she's cute for a 'big girl' ", or "you're not big enough to be worried about your weight" , or "you look nice for 'your size' "  What the hell does that mean?  Was that really a compliment?  No!  More like what we call a "back-handed compliment".      Is that supposed to make us feel better?  Well, for all of you poeple out there who have said it..........IT DOESN'T MAKE US FEEL GOOD SO STOP IT!!!!!!  *SIGH*  Man, I tell you.  Some people need a reality check - bad!

It's not fun being overweight.  I went from being overweight at 170 pounds to now being categorized as M.O.  Yeah, I take my kids to Six Flags and my big @$$ can't really fit in any of the older coasters because it's too wide and the seatbelt is barely able to snap closed.  What do I do when my kids want me to ride with them?  Tell them I just enjoy watching them ride, or do I try to squeeze into the seat that I KNOW is too small and pray that I don't embarass myself and my family doing so?  I hate going to the upscale mall because I feel like I don't fit in because I'm larger than most people there.  Oh yeah, don't let me get a cookie or something.........the looks I get!  I just want to scream out:  "yes I'm fat and I'm having a cookie!!!!!   WHAT?!?!?!?!?!"  Ok, so what most of you are a size two and have been all of your life, some people go through things!  Damn!  We are human too!  

...and don't get me started on the clothing stores.  Why do all of the larger sizes have to look like tents, moo moos, or have to be some kind of animal print.  Yeah, like me at 5'4" and 245 want to be wearing zebra or tiger print!!!  Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!  Do you see some of the stuff in the stores that they have for Plus Sized women.  Oh yeah.........and the new thing - silver pants?!?!?!  Who in their right mind wants to look like a bis @$$ ball of aluminum foil!?!?!?!?!    *big loud sigh*


OMG!!!!!!!!  Was this a rant????  Please excuse me.  LOL

Ok, yesterday I went to see the NUT and I was placed on a 1500 calorie meal plan.  I'm thinking that this is going to be hard, but the folks on OH have been so nice to suggest some things for me, so now I have a nice little grocery list. 

My NUT said that she would have her report sent over the the bariatric clinic by today and it's 11:31 and it still isn't there!!!!!  When I called the clinic, they said she usually takes 2 - 3 weeks!!!!  Are you kidding me?  Man, this is insane!  Dr. Santavicca (psych) had his report in their office in less than 24 hours!  Why would she take so long?

The bariatric clinic said they wouldn't even follow-up with her until it had been a week since my If she thinks I'm paying another $120 fee to see her before she sends in her report she better think again!  She wants me to follow-up in 4 weeks, but if it's another $120, I'm not sure that I will - especially knowing that I have to see her again in a group setting. *sigh*  Can't she just write up the report and send it over already!  She's holding me up man! 

I had the perfect plan:  Get the surgery scheduled for May 20th, be off that whole week.  The following Monday would be Memorial day - the office is closed, then i take a floating holiday the day after, and they stay out the remainder of the week.  I could be off for 10 days but only take off 7!!!  I had it all planned out, now I'm not sure if I can get it worked in - especially if she waits 2 - 3 weeks to get my report in!  WTF?!?!?!?
Why the heck would it take her 2 - 3 weeks to get her report in when all she has to do is fax it over.  She has an assisitant AND an a resident!!!!  I know she's booked up as far as appointments go, but dang!  Paperwork should be included in my appointment, and especially included for the $120 non-refundable - non-insurance covering office visit I paid!

 

Ok, well, I went to the nutrionist eval today and it went pretty good.  I was nowhere near as nervous as when I saw Dr. Davis or Dr. Santavicca.  Julie was pretty nice and I was able to speak freely and candidly with her without feeling silly, stupid, or vain.  I mean, there were some thing she was filling out for my chart/folder, and then another form for me to have a copy of.  SOrt of like a list of things that I need to do.  Wow, Life is already about to be different.

So, I am now on a 1500 calorie diet.  How about that!  Not sure how I will make it and what all I can eat now, but I'm sure that Ms. Winners steak biscuit is no longer on the menu!  I just looked it up, and that thing is 487 calories!!!!!!  Good Lord!  I had no idea.  Man, this sucks.  So many places I can't go, but this only opens up the door for more great fruits & veggies.  DH will just have to understand that we will have to do something else besides "eating" to celebrate.  I can't imagine trying to eat out anymore - and this is all just PRE-OP!!!  *sigh*

Anywho.......it will all be so worth it to see those pounds coming off.  I just have to make good choices so that I can reward myself with clothes or shoes, or lingerie (that's a reward for me and DH.  LOL)  I can't wait until I can stop buying the "granny panties".  It will be nice to clean out my underwear drawer and put some nice thing in there for a change.  I wonder if my shoe size will change?  I wasn't always a size 10.  I used to be a 9, but since the weight gain, I wear a larger size shoe.

Oh well, let me start my new life..........

I have 4 days until my nut eval on Tuesday.  I am kind of excited because after this, my paperwork goes to UHC for surgery approval.  I can hardly wait to get that call that says I am approved!!!!  

Well starting today, I had to enter my Food Intake Record.  That's right - that's when you have to write down everything you ate, what time, how hungry you were, how you were feeling, and how much you had.  Yeah, they want to see if you are an emotional eater, or if you eat when you aren't even hungry.  So far today I have been good.

  My husband wants to go out tonight, and I have chosen Rock Bottom Brewery.  It's going to be rough.  Lately I have been trying to eat smaller portions and chose better things to eat, but it will be hard tonight when we go out to dinner.  I'm going to be on my best behavior, and I will NOT be having dessert.

What am I actually going to do when I get this surgery date?  I think I am going to be happy, sad, excited and scared shitless all at the same time!  I have been watching the live surgeries over the internet, but that's different when it's me.  I hate the thought of having a huge tube down my throat.  I'm going to be scared to go into the OR, and I know it.  I'm nervous just thinking about it.   I'm going to have my family praying for me, so I know I will be ok.  part of me wishes I could just wake up in the morning and the surgery all ready be done.

Ok, I posted the dreaded "fat" picture of my self from last summer when we took a family trip to the West Coast.  I was at the top of the Stratosphere at nearly midnight!  Anyway, I was tanned - more like sunburned - and I was HUGE!!!!  I hate the picture, but I think it will help me in the long run to see how I have changed.  

I told someone today that I was 240 pounds and they didn't believe it.  Thank GOD that I don't look it, but I sure as hell feel it.  I almost didn't tell it, but damn it, I told it.  Maybe if I stopped hiding the facts I could jump-start my self into some real weight-loss.  I mean, I know Chubby men who weigh less than me!!!  Don't I weigh more than Mike Tyson?!?!?!?  I mean, really, I see pro football players who weigh less than me.  

Lord please help me to not kill myself by eating too much.  I seriously have a disease and it's not easy to cure.  A disease - an addiction even.  As I sit here at my desk, full as hell, I am wondering if I will go home and eat more food - even when I know I don't need anything else to eat!  I am going to pray th at I soon get some help.  Everyone, please pray for me to end this madness.

Ok, well I haven't had my surgery yet.....still waiting on the appointment with the nut so that I can send in my paperwork for approval.  Anyway, I am already ready to start shopping for smaller clothes!    I see so many little dresses that I want to wear, and I know that it's only a matter of time before I get there.  I'm already envisioning what my "new body" will look like, and I am nearly obsessed with watching TV shows about plastic surgery (body lifts).  I keep thinking about how great I will look minus the extra 80 - 120 pounds I'm carrying around.  Is it normal to feel this way?  Is this vanity or excitement?  I definately do not want to come across as vain.  I know who I was before I gained this weight, I know who I am right now, and I know who I want to be after everything is all said and done.  I'm Stephanie and I will always be that loving girl.....just Stephanie.  I'll just be a healthier version, a slimmer, nicer to look at version.

Part of me wonders how my co-workers will react to the changes.  I'm hoping that no one really prys.  How would I answer them?  I'm not sure, but I'm sure I'll work it out within myself.  I just wonder how everyone will react.  Then again, why do I even care?  I'm doing this for me and my family - not for anyone elses approval.  I'm doing this to get my health back.  This is going to give me a fresh start at a new body and a new life, and it is up to me to take advantage of this opportunity that I am going to be blessed with.

I'm also thinking about how my family will react - especially people who don't see me on a regular basis, like my mother!!!!  She has always had trouble with her weight and she always told me that I never want to be "fat" like her.  Well, here I am, her virtual "Mini-Me".  At 240 pounds, I am the smallest one on my family between my mom, brother, and myself.  That's scary!  I know that If I lose a lot of weigh, my mom will be wondering what I did to lose so much weight.  I'd be better off lying to her and telling her that I got sick than telling her the truth.  

What makes it so hard to tell people that we are having/have had the surgery?  Are we embarassed that we couldn't do it on our own?  Do we think that people will say that we took the "easy way out"?  Hell, if it was that easy for us to lose the weight, then we would have done it a long time ago.  None of us wants to be on 2, 3, 4, 5, 10 medications because we are M.O.  And how dare anyone who thinks otherwise!!!!  

I'm on 5 medications right now, and I am only 35 years old.  All of this has come upon me within the last 14 months.  I remember my 1st episode.  I had a panic attack and had to rush the the E.R. for and EKG because I didn't know what was happening to me.  Right after that, I was placed on Buspar.  I thought that people would think that I was crazy.  I was ashamed, but then I realized how much the medicine helped me.  How much better I felt.  But then came the depression meds, the BP meds, the meds for Angina to keep me from having a heart attack - yes, even Nitroglycerine!!!!  Can you believe it?  I'm 35 and here I am carrying around heart meds at all times like I am about to keel over.  That doesn't sit well with me.  I'm too young for this crap.  

I mean, it's a vicious cycle.  Stephanie, you need to exercise to get the weight off.  But when I exercise, I get winded and my chest hurts.  Then I am afraid to do anything for fear of having a heart attack!  I have walked a very slow and leisurely pace with my DH and it was nice.  I didn't even feel any pressure in my chest like I usually do.  Right now as I type, I can feel my heart beginning to race like a panic attack is coming on.  I just don't understand it.  My body is so "jacked-up" right now that I can't even begin to try to figure out what it will take to get it back in order.  I feel like I am just a physical and emotional mess!

Can't I just live a normal life?

I originally posted this as a reply to a post on one of the message boards and thought it would be good to post on my profile.  Oh, BWT, I did post the picture that I hate just today.  Happy Reading.


Sometimes I look at my phots, and there is one in particular that I hate!!!  I took it last summer when I was in Vegas with my family.  I almost look like a guy.  I was def unhappy with my size/weight.  I didn't want to be on the vacation, and I had just had a miscarriage that I didn't find out about until it was actually happening!  I really want to post it here, but I hate the picture so much that I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.  I love the pictures of me from the 2007 Christmas party.  Altough I look huge, my face looks nice.  

I, too, look back at pictures of myself and wonder how I got here.  What happened to the beautiful girl I used to be?  Sure I was 21 or 22 years old, but still.  I've been MO for 14 years now and I hate it.  I remember being 135 pounds and thinking I was fat then.  I remember having my 1st son and my lowest weight after that was 172.  At first I felt really fat, but later my best friend told me I had a body like a porn star!   LOL  I took it as a compliment because my stomach wasn't huge, but my boobs were.  Sure, I had a pretty nice shape, but the scale was telling me something different.  But then, the pounds just kept coming, and my husband loved to cook for me and loved to see me eat, all the while I was adding pounds that I couldn't get rid of.  

It was hard to keep shopping for larger and larger sizes.  It hurt me that I could no longer wear the close that I used to.  Even my shoes were not fitting.  My shoe size went from a size 9 to a size 10!!!  So many emotions evey time I look at old pictures from when i was thin, and now when I look in the mirror.  Some days I look in the mirror and woder who the hell I am.  Even when I weighed 172 I was pretty happy with myself.  But now, I'm 5' 4" and a whopping 240 pounds - twice what I used to be.  But, I'm one of the lucky ones - my weight is evenly distributed so most people are like, "you couldn't weigh any more than...." .  I'm thinking they are either blind or just plain idiots!  Deep down I am still that young lady of 125 - 135 pounds - she's just in a bigger body and it hurts like hell.       Well,   I want my body back, and I'll work so hard to keep it this time.

Well, here I am, still waiting for my nutritional eval on April 22nd.  So, it's like I'm on a mini vacation from all of this surgery business.....or am I?  One of my co-workers says I am obsessed because I am on OH all day, every day.  I'm reading blogs, profiles, messgae baords, anything & everything that will help me to make it through this journey.  

I guess I am on here so much because I feel comfort here.  I feel like we are all friends.  We're not talking crazy to each other, no one is trying to get a date or have cyber sex.  We are just discussing our trials, battles, and victories here on this website.  We have a place to cry, vent, cheer, pray, and discuss.  I am so thankful for this website.  I mean, even those who have lost the weight and met their goals are still here to encourage the rest of us. 

Why not be in a place where I feel comfortable?  I'm just thankful for this website and for all of you here. 

I guess I am now at the point of getting a little impatient.  I just want to get this last appointment, and I want to get  approved and have a surgery date already!!!    I feel like I am just at a stand-still.  I know the appointment is coming, but dang!!!  

You know that we are living in this society of "instantaneousness"  (I just made that up) and yes, I want it right now!!!  If they told me they could do the surgery tonight, I would be right down at Crawford Long Hospital with one of those ass-out hospital gowns on, ready and waiting!  

I mean, I can't even begin to get my mind around when I would possibly even be scheduled to have this surgery.  I don't want it to be September and I am still sinign the same song.  I would probably be losing my mind by that point.  

Man!!!!!!  Come on April 22nd.

Ok, I don't even have a surgery date yet, but I have lost 8 pounds because I have been making better food choices, drinking more water and trying to get out and walk and play in the yard with the kids and dogs when i am not totally exhausted.

Ok, I went to Wal-Mart on Saturday and while I was at the self-check-out scanning my groceries, this guy actually comes on to me!  He was like, "Hey, don't look so mean." I get that a lot.  So I smiled and went on about my business.  Then he kept standing there playing with the candy and then asked me my name!  At that point I was .  I just wanted to scan my groceries and go home to my family!  I replied with, "Oh, my husband doesn't allow me to give my name out to strnagers."  LOL  He scurried away in a hurry.  LOL 

So, when I get out to the car and I'm loading my groceries, a guy in an SUV pulls up, rolls down his window and says, "Anybody that's that sexy, I need to be helping."  WTF?!?!?!    Ok, but this time I was totally disgusted!!!  I ignored him.  Then he repeated himself and I just replied with, "Oh, I got it.  Thanks."  

After I loaded my groceries I just sat in my car and was like, "Damn,    WTF?!?!!?  Are guys just hard up today or what?"  I told my husband and I am not sure that he will NEVER let me go to Wal-Mart without him.  LOL  But why did I get so angry about men approaching me?  I'm not used to that (anymore) and I really got offended by it.  I think part of me didn't feel that I was worthy to be thought of as attractive or sexy.   

Well, I was not able to keep my appointment for my nutritional eval on last Friday because we had to go to Baton Rouge for Aunt Laura's funeral.  I rescheduled, but couldn't get anything until April 22nd!!!!!!  Yes, that's right - a whole month out.  I've been calling them every day to see if there had been any cancellations.  No such luck - yet.  

Anyway, I was able to keep my appointment to see Dr. Santavicca(psych) this past Monday and I really like him.  He is very easy to talk to.  I think I might like to see him on the regular for a while.  Anyway, just when I knew that the Lap-Band was for me, Dr. Santavicca strongly suggested the RNY surgery because of my love for sweets.  RNY will help to curb that and I would possibly get sick from eating sweets - which would be a good thing (as I sit here eating Oreos for breakfast).  I am somewhat afraid of the RNY as I know that they would actually be cutting my stomach.

I am, however, taking Dr. Santavicca's suggestion very seriously.  I have started to research RNY and see exactly the differences.  Of course I could lose more weight with RNY, but at what cost?  Dr. Santavicca said that if I am going to have WLS that I need to get the most out of it and he feels that I would get more from RNY.  

I hate to admit it, but I have almost completely changed my mind to consider RNY.  I'm ready to get things moving along and this last appointment is holding me up.  I'm thinking I could be fit and fabulous this time next year for my 37th birthday.  If I were a betting woman, I would say that I am having surgery on May 13th - the day after my birthday.

I'm really and truly hoping that I can reschedule this nutritional eval to sometime soon so I can get my insurance approval.  I'm going to kep pryaing.