Hayden D.
Where to being, where to begin?? I always have the worst time starting things things and then end up rambling horribly at the end. So, if you get to the end of this, I HIGHLY respect you :) heh heh.
My whole purpose for turning to OH is to learn more and to find a deeper level of hope. The struggle with my weight has been a lifelong one and I've been learning more as time goes by. One of those lessons, of course, is that quick diets DO not work and that everybody has different results. I greatly respect those that are able to diet and have long-term results..hopefully life-long results. I, on the other hand, have not been able to have either of those. I started my first diet in the 5th grade, as I attended weight watcher meetings with my Grandmother. Yes, I was obese then and a child shouldn't have to worry about such things at such an early age. I did get a badge for losing 10 lbs (a great goal to achieve for somebody my age!). Of course, I gained that weight back and quickly saw a life-long pattern developing for me. Throughout the various years, I have done just that. I would diet for various reasons (vanity and health, of course) and tried EVERYTHING!! With these diets came varying results for varying time frames. I lost ALL the weight and felt WONDERFUl. My self-esteem was through the roof and I vowed to never put it back on. Afterall, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". For whatever reason, I lost the battle and would put all of the weight on and then some...as I'm sure most of you can relate to. After high school (years of yo-yo-ing later), I found myself in a different place. I had HIGH levels of stress. I had stopped talking to my best friend, I started a VERY stressful job, started a SNOBBY college life (full-time), tried exercising/jogging vigorously, AND was trying the low calorie/fat approach. I got the skinniest I ever got (165-170 lbs, 27'' waist). Keep in mind, i'm a 6'' guy! So, not only did I look unhealthy, but I felt it. So, of course, I slowly gained it back (one pound at a time) until I was well over 250 lbs! I couldn't believe it. I was made fun of by people (SMALL town, at the time) and I didn't want to be seen by the public. I got VERY depressed. A year later, I tried the psychiatric help and portion control. So began my journey with high debt (yes, everything was placed on a new credit card *eek*). Several months later, and several dollars in debt later..I was skinny AGAIN. This time it was shortly lived (more so than before). From 195 lbs, back to 280 lbs, I knew i had a problem. This time, I started having MAJOR health pains (find out, years later..it was gallstones). I started feeling my first bouts of major depression, feelings of helplessness, hip pain, joint pain, lack of energy, STRETCH-MARKS and easily feeling short of breath. All of this and I was barely 25 years old. I didn't have insurance, at the time, so I had to self-diagnose myself :( I figured I'd do things strictly for heath and try to do it the right way. I studied up on things and figured I'd do it by eating "healthy" and exercising in more realistic terms. I managed to lose about 50 lbs and gained about 10 back, when Christmas came around (my FAVORITE time of the year). So, I switched to the low carb. YES..LOW CARB! Of course, I was also using such metabolism boosters as Hydroxycut, in conjunction to my workouts. I got quick results and I got to eat all my favorite greasy foods. This time, things were really great....I got back in touch with my best friend (after all those passing years), I was losing weight and I felt great. I finally DID IT! I got back to 185 and felt that was my most comfortable weight for me. The problem? My gallbladder was getting worse and worse (greasy food from this "wonderful low carb"). I slowly gained all the weight back and was back in the high 200's. Plus, I found myself having gallbladder surgery and the WORST recovery EVER! after hitting over the 300 mark, I sought pyschiatric help again. This time I saw a dietitian, in conjunction with it all. They made me feel like a loser, at first (in a bad way *sigh*) and I had to SNAP out of it!! I was nearing my 30's and I vowed to NOT spend my 30's morbidly obese! The doctor I was seeing put me on Topamax (anti-seizure meds that had a side effect of weigh loss). I also had HIGH blood pressure and cholesterol. I lost a few lbs, but it didn't work for me.
Flash forward a little bit into the future (aka "NOW"). These Past 3 years have been ROUGH :( I lost about 10-40 lbs at a time and slowly gained it RIGHT back. Now I am 30 years old and 304 lbs AGAIN (41 BMI). Last year I had to have foot surgery because my weight was making my bunion REALLY painful and causing a shift in my bone structure. again, ANOTHER painful surgery :( my doctor is frustrated with me because I cannot take the weight off. She even (about 1-2 years ago) asked me if I considered bypass. At the moment (VERY uninformed) I shot her down immediately with a "NO". She told me things have changed in the procedure and I should think about it. I didn't, of course and was determined to do it without surgical help. NO success, as of yet :( Now I am facing MORE health problems than ever before. My huge stomach prevents me from fitting into things properly (amusement park rides, restaurant tables, automobiles, etc etc). I am fitting TIGHTLY into my size 46 jeans and I cannot afford the big-and-tall prices. So, due to a lack of dress code at work, I live in elastic banded sweat pants and shorts. I have heart palpitations and am CONSTANTLY sweating and hot. My blood pressure is high, as well as my triglyceride level. I cannot walk far distances. My feet, joints, hips and knees KILL me constantly, as well as back pain. My hygiene is often compromised and I just feel like crying right now all the time. How did I let myself get to this? Only a few close people in my life know this struggle I go through and I often block myself away from the world. The extent of my outings are movies and dinners. Half the time I limit myself of going places because I hate being starred at. I feel so helpless, sometimes.
Recently, my best friend had went through the surgery. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love this girl. She has always been an inspiration to me and now in a whole different light. I first secretly opposed the surgery because I feared her going through complications and not being the "same Kelly" I loved for all these years. I also didn't know much about the procedure itself. Because of her I have been doing CONSTANT research and am not considering it. I know there is not answer out there, but there is only help. I feel this will help me by allowing me to feel full (for the first time) and hopefully start a healthy trend and a life-long trend of eating the way I should eat. With that, I went back to my doctor. She was concerned at how high my levels (bloodwork) have gone up. I told her I was considering gastric. Guess what? She told me it probably wouldn't be good for me?!?! What?!? this is the SAME woman who asked me if I considered it, a mere 1-2 years prior!!!! I was floored. She wants me to try it without surgery, for the 500th time. She even gave me ANOTHER psychologists number and pretty much told me "how much I wanted to be healthy depended on how much i wanted to pay"...referring that the shrink wouldn't be cheap :( Now I am SO confused. I am hoping I will be a candidate. PLEASE let me know your feedback. I have joined this, by word of my kelly and so far it's been GREAT. The fact that people here are so honest and helpful makes me feel like crying. I welcome any feedback and hope you will all write me.
Of course, I cannot do this all alone. I am thankful Kelly (who is doing GREAT 1 month after her surgery...SO proud of her!!!) is there offering me advice and literature. My Mom has also gone through all these struggles with me (she also battles morbid obesity). Of course, my partner also helps me and offers advice for me...even though they will never know what it's like to be obese. I know everyone on here does and it's so refreshing to know i'm not alone in this struggle. I have read so many profiles on here and it is like i am reading accounts of my own life. We all have struggled and I'm so proud of those who have fought to get this procedure. Your words and experiences guide me and inspire. Thank you EVERYONE!!!
p.s. I LOVE the "big medicine" show....so inspiring and informative to me. ;)
