PuddPudd
Have you ever had one of those defining moments where you just know that life is not going to be easy? I remember when I was about 5 and at kindergarten. There was this dress that all the girls loved and whoever got it for dressup first was the most popular for the day. Well, one day I managed to get my hands on that dress (it was a full size adult dress) and guess what? It didn't fit! The zipper just would not do up! That was probably the first day of some really bad days in my life. When I was about 15, I remember sitting down to dinner with my mum and dad (both sisters had moved out by that stage) and I ate half of the food on my plate because I was on a diet. Well, my father made some comment about eating what was left and this escalated to a full blown argument where I pretty much told him to go 'f' himself. Then I sat in my room and waiting till they went to bed so that I could go and raid the fridge! The most recent defining moment for me was only about a month before my surgery. I was talking to a client about his daughter and he was going on about how "she's a big girl. she's a solid girl. absolutely massive." Another one of his kids there said "she's almost as big as you" to which the father turned around and said "christ no. she's nowhere near as big as that!" Some people have no sensitivy nor tact. But as with most events in my life, I brushed it off and I moved on.
I have been with my wonderful husband for 8 years. About 7 years ago we had our first miscarriage when we weren't even trying to get pregnant. At the time of the conception, I was at my lightest in god only knows how long, but once that baby died I sky rocketed with my weight. For the next 6 years we had ongoing fertility issues with no physical cause other than my weight. In February 2007, I made a decision that I was going to lose the wieght in order to be able to conceive. I started on the meal replacement shakes and going to the gym twice a day and wouldn't you know it, I was pregnant that first month! The minute I found out that I was with child, I of course had to start eating for two and stop going to the gym not to mention quiting smoking cold turkey! Needless to say, my weight went up significantly that first month of knowing. Unfortunately my little Poppet didn't make it and he was born sleeping at 20 weeks. I don't think I ever really knew what a broken heart felt like until the day I laid my little boy to rest. My husband didn't cope well and because I was dealing with my own physical and emotional scars I don't think I was as much a support for him as I should have been. Now, 12 months and lots of tears later with no success at conceiving I decided it was time to make a life changing decision. I originally got a referral for the lapband, but after some online research, decided on the RNY. Once I got to surgeon though, I was told that only about 2 doctors in Queensland do it and neither of them are where I am so I went for the sleeve knowing that further down the track I can have a revision if I need to. The bit about that which really gets up my nose is that my surgeon has a website and on that website it talks specifically about the RNY!!! Don't advertise it if you don't stock it!
So I went off to hospital on the 22nd Augus 2008 for my op. I had no fear. Since I lost my little one, I have no fear of death. I look forward to the day that I can meet him and get to know him - no I'm not suicidal. My husband is a real worry wart though which I knows shows that he loves me, but it freaks you out! So he left me there for the day and I waited and waited and waited. I arrived at the hospital at 7am and I was third in line which meant I should have been out my lunch time - yeah right!!!! I didn't even get in until 2pm. But I got through the op fine and then spent the next 5 days in hospital. I don't regret in any way the decision that I have made. I learnt along time ago about consequences and informed decision making. I was prepared. Having said that, there were a few times when I wanted a huge piece of steak and fries and just couldn't eat it! It's taken me 29 years to learn the habits that I have. I expect it to take quite a few years to learn how to break those habits. So at the moment I am taking one day at a time. I love food and always will. I don't agree with those who say that food is just fuel for the body but that's not an argument I'm going to get into right now.
Progress at this point is somewhat slow. I was really disappointed with my first week's effort considering the small amount that I consumed, but this week is picking up so we'll see how far this tool takes me!
