Dark Pee and Starter Fluid

Aug 31, 2011

 

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dark Pee and Starter Fluid

 
The Kid: Ewww.
What's that in the toilet.
Me: It's pee
The Kid: No it's not. It's the wrong color. It's gross

The Kid don't play!

 Wow. First of all, can we discuss how absolutely tactless 4 year olds are? I was in there minding my business and both him AND the dog come busting up in there like some miniaturized, canine SWAT team. I got up to see what he needed and then he pulled out his detective badge and started questioning me about MY pee. After my answer wasn't sufficient enough, his little ass wanted to play forensics and analyze MY pee. This is MY pee. Kid, you don't know anything! Yesterday, you thought Spongebob was saying "A bag of chips" when he was actually saying "Abandon ship". Clearly, I'm the intellect in this thing we call a relationship, son. I'm telling you, this kid and this dog need to climb back into the TV and whatever network cop show they came off of. Cot Damage!

Now that I've moved past my shock and awe of The Kid nypdblueing me, lets address the real issue-Why my pee is neon orange today and smells like starter fluid.
One of my dear friends suggested that I might have a kidney problem. I can absolutely assure you that I do not have a kidney problem. I have a mouth problem. My mouth is going through that whole I-hate-water stage again. The thought of drinking water actually makes me shudder. I do good for a really long time, and the BAM! I am hit with the anti-water spirit. I'm racist against water right about now. I feel like that Grand Wizard of the Wu Klux Klan. It's a problem for me!!!
On top of that, my sleeve capacity is like zero, zilch, nada. Getting my water in is physically tough now. I threw up last night cause I drank too fast for my sleeve. That hasn't happened since I was a newbie

I'm gonna fix this though. Being severely dehydrated is a shaky, heart pounding, anxiety riddled kind of scary that I do not need in my day. I won't let it get to far, but I'm always pushing it when I know that I just need to have a damn drink! Habitual luck pushing IS one of my qualities. Hell, I even have it on my Twitter bio.
So what am I gonna do about it? I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do.

Number One- I will not be putting cucumber in my water to make it more palatable. That is an insult to cucumbers everywhere. They could be living their lives gloriously as fried pickles, but instead they're languishing away in the bottom of people's glasses. That's just sad.

Number Two- I read somewhere that drinking hot water from a mug is a great way to fool yourself. No. That's a great way to burn yourself.

Number 3- I will not carry a Nalgene bottle. First off, the name slightly offends me cause it sounds too much like nalgas. Secondly, I need one hand to hold The Kid by the scruff of his neck, one hand to hold my purse, one hand to clutch my pearls when I have my cake daydrean/fantasies,and one hand to hold my parasol (remember I'm a vampire). I am already too many hands down. I can't with the Nalgene bottle. I. Just. Can't.

Can you guys tell me what I can do? You know me. Don't insult my tastes, my sensibilities, or my intelligents...yes, INTELLIGENTS!

Anyway, I'm about to go take this water shot. *shuddering*

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