Cindy T.

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I don't know!  I guess I'm just really lonely right now, and can't quite get wound down enough to go to bed.  Gotta do it pretty soon, because 6:00 a.m. comes really fast.  Dog's asleep, but the neighbors aren't.  They're still out on their patio, right across the sidewalk from my bedroom window, talking away.  At least they turned the thump thump off, though.  I originally sat down at the computer to play, check email, check OH, and do some Mah Jong, all to distract me from the thump thump music.  All I could hear was the incessant bass thumping.  So, I played some tunes on the computer while I was messin' around, and now, it's a lot quieter out there.

I'm just so dissatisfied with my career/job.  I'm going to school to get a different future, but that takes forever, and work just drags on and on and on.  I used to love working there, and thought the promotion would give me a great new experience.  I was wrong.  It's not great, and I'm bored.  The stuff the boss gives me to do that I think I should be able to handle, I take so long to get it done that it seems a waste of resources.  Stuff I know how to do is just mind-numbing.  I really miss quality control and proofreading.  Last week, the secretaries were swamped, so Donna and I did some double proofing.  That was the most fun I've had at work in about a year.  That's a sad state of affairs.

I think I may get into nutritional counseling, but I also want to write, or edit--mostly I want to write.  Who knows?  Maybe the Great American Novel really is in there somewhere.

Oh, well, that's enough whining.  Off to bed now.

So I think I just experienced my first--and hopefully last--PB.  It was awful!  I was eating a hamburger (homemade) in half a whole wheat pita, with veggies on it, and about halfway through, I started hiccupping.  Now, I know that my first hiccup is my last bite, because it's my full signal.  So I stopped eating immediately, but the hiccupping kept going, for about a minute.  And then the burping started.  After about a minute of that, I coughed, and out it came.  I kept burping for about 15 minutes, and it feels awful.  I'm starting to calm down now, but that was awful.  It hurt, and felt weird, and now I feel stupid, because obviously, I was eating too fast.  What a moron.  I feel so stupid.

Oh, yeah, and I had just come home from a very enjoyable support group meeting, and had been able to chat with my new band friend Gail for a bit, so I was feeling really good.  Then I did this.  Feel like a moron.  Know I'm not a moron, just not paying close enough attention.  But man!  This was a painful learning experience!  Icky too.

On a jury this week!  Very fun, getting to see the criminal justice system at work.  I enjoyed my experience 25 years ago or so when I did this, so am really happy to finally get another opportunity.

Missing the big "all staff" days at work--oh, darn!!!!!!!

I'm a happy, happy girl today.  Last night, I went to the Gold Cup finals in Chico.  I LOVE sprint cars, and there were over a hundred competitors in the field.  I guess for the two previous nights, they qualified and had heat races, but then last night was six mains--A-F.  Only two transferred from each race to the next one higher, and it was really fun.  The competition was first rate, and all of my favorites were there, racing hard and showing good form.  As usual, the King of the Outlaws, Steve Kinser, racing demi-god that he is, didn't win because of me being there.  It's silly, and I don't believe in curses, but I've watched this unbelievable man race on tv and in person, and he NEVER wins when I am watching.  It's heartbreaking!  He was running hard last night, and nearing the front, then there was a wreck that caused a red flag.  After the clearing, Steve's engine appeared to have seized up, and he went to the pits without restarting the race.  I was yelling, "NOOOOOO!" and I think I scared this little kid in front of me, but he just didn't understand.  He couldn't figure out, I think, what was wrong.  I think his dad explained all was okay, though, because he eventually stopped staring at me.  

Anyway, I feel satiated today in a way only food used to be able to do.  I'm so satisfied with the warm, happy feelings I came away with from the race.  It was fun, and even though I went ALONE, and that was way outside my comfort zone, I had a great time.  Once the stands filled up, and there were race fans all around me, I wasn't lonely.  It was all about me and those cars.  No worrying about anyone else, and just concentrating on my cars.  Now that I've gone alone once, I'll probably keep doing that.  Day trip, races, home again.  No coordination of schedules, no making sure someone else has enough food, drink, etc.  Just me and my cars.

Life is good, and it's getting better every day.  Forty-two pounds down in three months, and my favorite things that don't make me fat are still able to bring me such joy.  Who knew that the smell of methanol fueled race cars could satisfy as much as pizza?  And no subsequent cheese hangover!!!!

Went to the doctor yesterday and saw the wise and wonderful Sandee, my acute care nurse practitioner.  She's Dr. Machado's right hand WOman, I guess.  Anyway, I thought I would be getting a fill, but after talking about my restriction and intake, blah, blah, she said I didn't need one yet, which is cool, because I save money when I don't get a fill.  And, I don't especially feel like I needed one, so again, that is cool.  Sandee said my weight loss is great, and that I'm doing really well.  I'm so glad she said that, because that's about how I feel about it, too.  I'm 42 pounds down since surgery, and now weigh in at 251.  Oh, so close to that number!  This time, though, I'm waving goodbye when I cross over that puppy, because I never plan to see it again.  Now that I'm over the 40 pound mark, I'm feeling pretty awesome.  My clothes are different--bras just don't fit like they used to!!!!!    I'm between sizes right now, so the 22s fit loose, and the 20s don't fit yet.  It's a good frustration to have.

I'm excited about Saturday.  My Donnamomma bought me a ticket so I can go see my sprint cars again.  I was so happy after seeing them last weekend that she said she would buy me a ticket to go to the Gold Cup this weekend for an early birthday present.  Yeah, I snatched up that offer like the eager little beaver that I am.  I have to go alone, which isn't optimal, but I'll enjoy myself so much that I probably won't care once I'm there.  Besides, I'm a friendly person, and I'm sure I'll get along quite well with the folks I sit near.  This is way outside my comfort zone, going alone to the races, but maybe, like the movies, I'll find out I love going alone, and I'll be able to free myself to do it this way again in the future.   After all, the boys will be in Tulare in October. 

Oh, and I get to spend some time with my friend Maggie May on Sunday, which will be great.  She's so busy, with two jobs, and family responsibilities, that we haven't seen each other in over a month.  This will be a wonderful time to catch up.

I've been thinking about doing my own exercise thing like Fat Camp on tv.  Regular, daily exercise never gets me motivated to repeat, but when I have a specific goal in mind, I get really motivated.  Now that I'm back in school, I'm getting at least a little bit of a walk two evenings a week, because it's a fair trek from the car to the classroom, but that is not enough.  I keep saying I want to have an active lifestyle, but I'm finding that a difficult thing to change, being such a private person when it comes to workouts.  I've put out feelers for someone to play racquetball with, but no takers.  Dara's going to play with me when we get together in October, but that's just one event, one day.  Anyway, I was thinking the other day, after watching Fat Camp, that maybe I'll plan a walking vacation somehow.  Obviously, I can't afford a crew to set up camp for me every day, and I don't want to walk some crazy distance every day, but who's to say I can't set up a plan and give myself a little Fat Camp vacation.  Yes, I said vacation.  Since I want this active lifestyle, I need to start planning active things to do on my vacations, rather than planning ahead to sleep in and loll around, which is my normal plan for vacations.

I'm going to Texas for Christmas, and I was thinking about talking to my brother about working something like this out for the two of us to do--or just for me to do, and him to supervise.  Something to think about, and three months to plan it.  Now, what to do in the meantime???????

I got some really good news last night.  I was spending the evening with Kim, one of my dearest friends.  She invited me to move in with her, which we both think will work out very well.  We don't argue, we travel together in perfect harmony, even on long road trips, and we're both pretty quiet at home.  Our dogs get along, and there are financial benefits for both of us.  She has a great house, which I've always liked, but like even better now that she's done so much lovely work on it.  She doesn't like to cook, and has always eaten anything I put in front of her, so it'll be like I still have my own kitchen, and she'll have a personal chef.  Super benefits for me, too, like a huge tv to watch races on, as well as a beautiful backyard with solar heated pool and a spa.  We're very compatible, and the house is quite roomy.  Oh, and I would get two rooms of my own.  The bedroom has a sliding glass door leading out to the backyard, and a nice big closet.  The house has tile and laminate flooring throughout, and new paint and window treatments.  It even has a fireplace.  If this works out, and I have no reason to think it won't, then we can live in the house for a while together, then, if she still wants to move a little closer to her family, perhaps we can find another place to live in together.  It's a perfect plan, and the only heavy downside that I can think of is the really irritating commute.  I used to live near her, and my commute had gotten really long, so when I moved, I really enjoyed the shorter commute.  But I figure a longer commute will be okay, especially when I'm cutting my rent almost in half, and getting a better place to live.  Plus, my friend and I would have each other, right there, to support one another.  She has a lot of physical pain issues, so I think it would help her to have someone there, just to know she's not alone.  Funny, her family has repeatedly asked us why we don't already live together.  I guess they figured it out a long time ago.

Anyway, this is a great answer to prayer.  I have been struggling financially, and this will really help me get back on my feet.  It will help her, too, as she has been struggling a bit as well.  So, I guess that makes this what my friend SCC calls "a moment made for worshipping."  I sometimes forget, in my daily grind, to worship the One who makes my life worth living.  Today I am reminded to be grateful, for His provision in all things.

It's irritating to not really know why I'm cranky.  It is not my style, and I don't really like feeling that way.  Today was really hard for some reason.  Motivational popcorn time came around, and I almost lost it.  Luckily, people here at OH gave me lots of support, which I so appreciate.

So, I appear to have rekindled my Mah Jong addiction, now that I figured out Fandango has it on their site for free.  I play it after work, then again here at home if I feel in the mood.  Oh, well, it's better than eating off schedule 

Had a tough week, with my mood, and not wanting to exercise.  I plan to walk tomorrow morning, so hopefully, I'll be on task then.

I'm getting hungry between meals.  I'm hoping that the fill scheduled for next Monday, July 23, will help.  Right now, I'm doing the grin and bear it dance, because I know I'm not supposed to eat between meals.  Hopefully, Dr. Machado will have some advice Monday.

Falafel:  Can I or can't I?  It's chock full of protein, but is also high in carbohydrates.  I think I'll take the box of mix to Dr.'s appointment.

I talked to my brother tonight.  We have tickets to the 2008 50th running of the Daytona 500!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, just a little excited about that!  My SIL Christine used her points at work to buy the tickets, so they didn't cost us any cash.  Now, I already loved Christine, but this goes above and beyond!  Free tickets to the 500?  Now that helps a lot, because I was really stressing my money.  The hospital bill is enormous, and I'm still working on making sure I pay enough each month to whittle it down steadily.  Yes, I've only just started, but it scares me being this much in debt.  I like having a cushion, and right now, I don't.  I'm feeling a little worried, but I'm taking steps with my tax withholding and other stuff that should loosen the strain a bit.  Gotta keep my head up, I guess.  This was worth whatever sacrifice I need to make.  I'm worth it.

Five weeks without pizza, or popcorn, or sugar, or bread, or.........

I just cannot believe this is me!  I have no restriction yet, so I feel like this is all, like one of the bandsters said, will power.  Yeah, coulda used that about 25 years ago or so.    Anyway, it's pretty cool right now, because I feel really great, and can't wait for the next step, which is my first fill, scheduled for July 23.  I guess I just am loving the process, and learning all about my new tummy.

I must admit to feeling a little blue, because my close friends here in town seem so busy.  I really miss Jim, my brother fabuloso, who came to take care of me during my surgery week.  I wish he was closer, so I could see him.  We're talking on the phone weekly, but it's just not the same.  Can't wait to see him at Christmas.  I'm going to Texas to visit him and his fantastic wife, my sis-in-law Christine, and I am really looking forward to that.

So, about the blues.  It's not bad, really.  I just want to go do stuff, but my friends have too much work, a wedding, a new husband (two different friends), and such, so they're not calling like before.  I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but knowing that doesn't help some days.

Oh, I was telling my friend Ryan, whom I only see about once a month, about the surgery yesterday, and he got a funny look on his face.  He said he's sure this isn't the same thing as my situation, but a friend had bypass about a year and a half ago, and everything was going great, and she killed herself a couple of weeks ago.  I think it was so fresh, he immediately worried for me.  I assured him no, I'm good, and I have great people to talk to, what with my therapist and the folks here at OH.

So, the popcorn.  My number one favorite food, companion, and, I guess you might say, fat-building food.  I ate it nearly every day, and about once a week, on average, I also ate tubs of movie popcorn.  Other than pizza, I don't think there's a food I've consumed more of than popcorn in my entire life.  Pizza and popcorn are neck and neck, though.

But now look at me!  Five weeks, and none of it.  I started taking pictures yesterday.  No, not of myself, but of the cutest little dinner I made.  I like presentation almost as much as food, so I took a picture of my cute dinner.  Okay, I'm a whacko, but what else am I gonna do?  The dog just doesn't get it when I tell her about my cute food. 

Surgery or not, this is still a miracle.