Rachelena

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 Married at the young age of 20, my husband and I were excited to start a family. It was us against the world and nothing could stop us!! A year later we found out we couldn't get pregnant and decided to seek the help from a reproductive specialist.    As all of you know, it is unusual to see a doctor and have them not comment about your weight. Right? Well, after my 3rd visit to this reproductive specialist, he still hadn't said 1 word, not 1 single word about my weight. It wasn't like I was 20lbs overweight either. I was a good 365lbs at the time. So it freaked me out and I finally had to sit him down. I said, "Ok doc... I have to ask you a question. Why are we ignoring the pink elephant in the room? I know I am not just over weight.. why have you not said a single word about my weight?" He told me he knows I have probably been beat over the head by doctors about my weight so he didn't bother. "Besides, no matter what weight, everyone deserves the chance to be a mother." I asked him to honestly tell me what the risks were of becoming pregnant and what the statistics were with regards to me being able to carry to term. They weren't good. I went home and discussed everything with my husband and decided to call Dr. Alan Geiss for my first bariatric consultation.    On January 4, 2008, I met Dr. Geiss for the first time. I told him I wanted to have a lap band placed to aid me in losing weight so I could get pregnant. I was given my script for my psych and nutrition clearance as well as a script for cardio and pulmonary clearance which included a sleep study, and blood work. I had all of my appointments scheduled and completed within two weeks and got my appointment for surgery March 10, 2008.    I had my lap band for just under 2.5 years and it just wasn't the tool for me. I lost a total of about 60lbs, 30 of which I gained back as soon as my band was removed this past June. The last 6 months with my band was miserable. I was always either too full or not full enough. I couldn't seem to get to that "sweet spot" everyone talked about. I threw up every meal I sat down to, most often within the first 5 bites. I lived on Starbucks White Mocha Lattes, usually having 4-5 venti's a day. That was all that went down, and stayed down. In April  of this year, I decided I couldn't live like this anymore and started searching for a surgeon to do my revision.    I am unbelievably grateful that my husband was supportive of pushing off our baby venture for another two years. The decision was difficult for both of us but together we are strong and made the right decision. We want our baby to live a happy life and be raised by two loving, living parents.     On June 26th, 2010 My lap band was removed, by Dr. Rajeev Vohra. He sent me for all my pre-op testing again and a date was set for sleeve. On October 18th, 2010. I became a revision patient. This is my second chance at life, part B. I know this time around has to be different. This is permanent and I have to succeed. I have to learn to change my views of food and exercise and myself. I have to wipe away those feelings of failue, shame, doubt, uncertainty and replace them with knowledge, hope, education, excitement, and success!! I have been learning to do that...SLOWLY and I hope you will take this journey with me. In this Journey you will find success and happiness. So will I. I am not just a revision patient... I am a REVISIONARY. 

  I have not had a major NSV like this one in a long time... until recently I hadn't lost a pound in about a year with my band... Now that I am getting ready to be sleeve and on Optifast I have lost 13lbs!! 
Anyways... so I just got out of the shower.... and.... 

I WAS ABLE TO WRAP A BATH SHEET FULLY AROUND MY BODY!!!!

Usually the bottoms don't touch bc I have a huge ass (which I love about myself) but today.... they didn't just touch, they overlapped a little!!! I totally took pictures but I don't know if I am brave enough to post them on OH just yet.... OMG I can't believe it!! I couldn't wait to share that with my OH family!!! 

I LOVE YOU ALL!!! 
This was totally the motivation I needed today to go the distance!!! 
 

My friends and I talk about sharing the good the bad and the ugly of WLS... Well this post is the bad and ugly... straight up... 
My surgeon has me scared shitless... He told me on Friday that even though I got the approval for my surgery, HE will decide this coming Wednesday if he is going to do my surgery. If I passed all of his tests.... Well, I am failing this one... My last test is my pre-op liquid diet which he wanted me on for 4 weeks... which is actually 4.5 weeks because he moved my surgery. I think that is nuts.... the first two weeks I managed to lose a total of 9 lbs... But I also didn't do FULL opti... I ate about 2 small healthy meals a week. 

This is week 3 and Sat night I went out for a friend birthday... I knew I shouldn't drink because Alcohol = weight gain for me no matter how little I have. So I had a few shots.. And a few cubes of cheese to soak it up... Well... Wouldnt ya know it I gained 5lbs!!!! So as of yesterday I had 4 days to take off 10 lbs... I have been trying EVERYTHING.... I went and bought an Acai Colon Cleanse but can;t do that because apparently Acai is a blood thinner and you can't take it 2 weeks before surgery. Then I bought Miralax... too light... So then I bought Dulcolax... Well, I took 3 Dulcolax pills last night as directed and I only lost 4lbs. I have to lose AT LEAST 6lbs before my appointment on Wednesday Afternoon.... I dunno how I am going to do it... Any suggestions? 

Now seriously I know this is SICK.... I am a sick person.... I would never fucking take laxatives to make a fucking doctor happy... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOIN!!!! 

BUT, I went to hell and back just to get my surgery approved and I don't think its fare for him to not do my surgery due to inadequate weight loss... so not for nothing Doc.... SCREW YOU!!!!!! If you wont do it I will take my approval elsewhere and find someone who will!!!!! 

Was sleeping late this morning when in my dream I met the lead singer from paramore and she was singing the song Airplanes.... Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.... I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right noowwww.... 

Then I realized that was my cell phone ringing... I picked it up to see if the called ID was worth coming out of my haze and saw it was Dr. Vohra's office!!!! I almost broke my damn cpap mask ripping it off my face but I got to the phone just in time to hear the news.... 

MY SURGERY HAS BEEN APPROVED BY SOME MIRACLE!!!!!!!!

I guess I did't realize how much this surgery meant to me until I found out I couldn't have it.

I fought my family the whole way through. I answered every question logically and from education and research. I did my homework. I went to conferences, spoke to people who have had the surgery, even watched the surgery performed on youtube. All for this... for my insurance company to say NO...

They have no idea what this surgery means to me... They don't know that without it, I can not have children. They don't know that without it, I can't work in the field of my dreams...  Without it I may live a premature life... Without it I can easily go back to not being able to walk, climb a flight of stairs, comfortably stand in the shower for 10 minutes to bathe myself, or shave my own legs. 

Maybe I made the wrong decision in having my band out. Dr. Vohra promised me he would make it work. Now 3 months later, I find myself let down by him and his staff. Believe it or not, I am angry at my husband for not giving me the money to file for my new health insurance when it would have mattered. I know he didn't have it at the time... But a good husband would have made it work somehow... Steal from Peter to pay Paul... 

My world is collapsing. I feel like I am stuck in limbo right now... Somewhere between what I want and what I can't have. I dunno if I should stay on liquids or give up... I want to fight but I don't know how. Can I do this? Someone help me I'm drowning....

 What I am is frustrated, with myself mostly... a little with my surgeon too. 

2 weeks ago, my surgeon put me on a 4 week pre-op liquid diet... yep I said it, 4 WEEKS!!
I have never heard of anyone being on liquids so long... I think its absolute insanity to be honest. Asking me to just drink optifast for 4 weeks... I feel like I'm on yet another diet!!! I am sick of dieting... I want a lifestyle change... Either way that's neither here nor there...

My big issue of the day is that 4 weeks turned into 5 when my surgery was moved and I am having a super hard time sticking tot his liquid diet... Before yom kippur I ate a small meal because I fasted for 26 hours... Last week, I ate a small piece of Challah bread to satisfy a religious obligation on a Jewish Holiday. Yesterday, I ate some chicken and I did today too... 

Everyone in my house is eating cept me and my husband (who is super amazing and doing the opti with me) and every time I walk in the door the house smells like food. I swear no one in my house ever cooked until I started liquids... 

I don't know how to get in the zone so to speak... I want this to work, NO I need this to work so why am I not working it?? Maybe its me subconsiously screwing up because I'm scared... Tomorrow is 3 weeks til my surgery now... I am going to post every day about what I eat... maybe it will keep me honest... with you and myself... 

So here's to a better tomorrow!

This is a topic that has been bothering me for a long long time, but for me it has come to a head this past week. 

 

I have been having some struggles with my WLS this past week with my date being moved for the second time and me gaining 10 lbs post band removal. I cannot tell you how many people who have said to me, maybe it's a sign you are not ready. Maybe its a sign you should try a diet again etc etc etc.... NO PEOPLE this is not a sign I shouldn't have WLS... its a sign that My doctor is unorganized and can't get his calendar straight. 

 

 

 

I dunno if this is all the Eat, Pray, Love craze because Julia Roberts got a sign from director, Ryan Murphy, to go back to bed and get a divorce... oh look, when I went onto IMBD.com to look up the directors name, I got a pop up to buy some dance workout video game for the Wii!! Maybe that's a sign I should dance more and not have WLS. Oh wait, a red car just drove by me as I'm sitting here writing this note. Red is the color of blood, maybe thats a sign I shouldn't have WLS because ill die on the table from too much blood loss... Seriously folks...  

 

 

 

I believe we can see signs in anything because there is no label on the so called sign screaming at you in bright neon lights that "THIS IS YOUR SIGN". I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe in the concept of signs in the universe but I think we can manipulate any of these so called "signs" to tell us what we want it to. For example, the red car... I could have just as easily said, "A red car just drove by me as I was writing this note. Red is my favorite color so that means I should have WLS." So you see these signs are really nothing more than projections of our own possibly subconscious desires or fears. They are not signs from G-d, they are signs from ourselves. But I guess sometimes it's easier to blame an outside source (ie: G-d) instead of owning up to our own wants and don't wants.

 

 

I wish you luck in your future endeavors and hope that you are able to share with those who are close to you and care about you. Lastly, Thank you to G-d for giving us humans the power of self manipulation! 

  So I posted to you all Friday morning around 11am just before I hopped into the car with hubby to drive down to Maryland to visit my sister and new niece, about how excited I was to be on liquids and to have my surgery in 3.5 weeks .... About 20 minutes into the car ride the call came....
Caller: Hello, Rachel this is Gail from Dr. Vohra's office how are you?
Me: Im ok. A little hungry on the opti fast but im adjusting. (waiting in anticipation for some un-wanted news)
Gail: Well, I have some news for you. We need to change your surgery date. Dr. Vohra just found out today, that he is going away that week.
Me: Are you friggen kidding me!!!!!! He has done this to me once already and I am sick and tired of pushing my date for him to go bask in the bahamas somewhere every other week. Enough already!!!!!!!!
Gail: (completely ignoring the fact that I am crying hysterically at this point) Well we can move your surgery up a week or back a week.
Me: None of those are good!!!! The week before would leave me unprepared for my organizations first major event that I am single-handedly coordinating and the week after is way to close to the OH conference I just booked my room and ticket for!!!
Gail: Well you call me when you decide on a date... CLICK (she hung up)

Now I am fuming and crying hysterically... She HUNG UP on me after completely ignoring my feelings in the matter and I am starving myself on this stupid optifast diet for 4 weeks for what!!! Now I understand I was literally screaming at her but seriously.... at least acknowledge the fact that I was supposed to be sleeved Sept 20 but couldnt bc he decided he needs to be on vacation next week and now I have to push AGAIN!

So I called my friend who used Vohra as her surgeon and cried to her. THANK G-D for my friends... She calmed me down a little. Well then I decided it was best to call the office again and scream at the bariatric coordinator....

Me: Can I talk to Sameera please (crying again)
Operator: Sure hold on.... Hold.... I can give you her voice mail. 
Me: (Crying hysterically again...) OK
Operator: Is everything ok? Hold on lemme get you someone who can help...HOLD....
Mary-Ann: Hi Rachel, whats wrong dear?
Me: (still crying hysterically) He's changing my surgery date!!! I can;t do this anymore this is the second time!!! I am sooo frustrated!!!!
Mary-Ann: Hold on lemme grab Sameera... HOLD...

At this point I was thinking in my head... no one wants to deal with me. This friggen sucks.... Should I find a new surgeon?? Im so angry!!!!

Sameera: Whats going on Rachel?
Me: (started crying again and screaming) Hes changing my date again im so done I want to find another surgeon I cant take it anymore!!! Ramble ramble....
Sameera: Whats your number...(gave her my cell) ok I am going to talk to him I'll call you right back.... Click! (hangs up)

Well... to make a long story a little shorter... She called me back 20 minutes later and told me Dr. Vohra's parents are sick back in India and hes flying back to India that week, and that he apologizes profusely.... Then she gives me a whole lecture about how everything happens for a reason even though she doesnt know the reason.... UGH!!!!!! So I am thinking quite a few things at this point.... 1.... if my parents are sick I am not booking a trip to see them in a month, I am going NOW ASAP! Its not like he has any financial constraints... hes a surgeon for crying out loud!!!!!! 2.... While I do believe things happen for a reason.... SOOOO not what I needed to hear at that particular moment.... and lastly... If Dr. Vohra was sooo damn sorry, heaven forbid the man take 5 minutes out of his busy day (maybe while hes running late in his car) and give me a damn call himself!!!!!!!

I am soooo frustrated... I called Gail back and re-booked my surgery for OCt 18th which is 6 days later...  Part of me really wants to find another surgeon but then i dunno what to do.... Finding another surgeon might be good for the following reasons: 

1. He may not be back from India the week later if his parents really are sick
2. If he does come back, I dont want him cutting me open thinking about his parents well being
3. I dont really feel so comfortable with him right now even though I know he has golden hands... its kind of akin to not wanting to send your food back at a restaurant in fear the cook will spit in your eggs...
4. I really just dont trust that my surgery will happen on the 18th... 

On the other hand,... sticking with him is good bc:

1. he has golden hands... despite the fact that he has no bedside manner or humility at all he is a fabulous surgeon who will do the job well.
2. If i have to find another surgeon, I will definitely have to wait longer for my surgery and I really dont want to wait....
3. I do like Sameera and I would be working mostly with her after surgery...
4.. Well... thats all I can think of...

What should I do?? What would you do if you were me?? I can't think straight anymore... At least Im not bursting into hysterical tears every time I think about it anymore... Any thoughts, comments, suggestions.... If you have read this post... THANK YOU!!! If not, well... I don't blame you, I sounds like a whiny two year old.... 





 

Wow, what a day... I woke up this morning with the biggest pit in my stomach. Today was the day to start m pre-op diet... So I started the day by hopping on the scale to see what I am working with... My scale said 357lbs butt naked (Dr's scale today said 356 with jeans on).. I gained 10 lbs this last month... wayyyyy better than the 20lbs I thought I gained. 

Off to the surgeon.... Hubby decided to escort me to the surgeons office today because he new I was nervous as helllll. 
To my surprise, he told the nutritionist that we would be purchasing two weeks of Optifast instead of the one I thought we would be getting. When I asked him if we could afford two weeks at a time he said, Yes we can because one week is for you and the other is for me. I was so shocked! My hubby decided to quit smoking and follow the pre-op diet with me in solidarity. I love you soo much hunny! 

When I posted about his amazing supportiveness, a friend asked me to clone him and she would pay shipping and handling for his clone. I laughed and when I told my hubby he said, "Oh honey, doesn't she know that a clone of me would do her no good because any clone of me would be madly in love with you!" I swear I am the luckiest girl in the world!!!!!!

So as of today I had:
1. Ventie Iced Latte at Starbucks
2. 4 optifast shakes
3. 1 optifast bar
4. 45oz of Water.... I am working towards the 60... but its a lot of damn water and I hate water!!!!

Goals for tomorrow:
1. No smoking, no eating
2. Start Vlogging
3. Take my measurements and before photos and put them all up on OH

Good night friends! Thank you for being wonderful!

 Ok, so I am 4 short weeks away from my second marriage. This time around I am marrying the Sleeve!! 
Today I threw myself an all day, party of 1, bachelorette party... Don't judge... I ate A LOT today!!!!

Breakfast:
Venti Starbucks 6 pump white mocha
Chocolate Chunk cookie

Lunch:
A LOT of Indian food!!!
~ Basmatti Rice
~ Veggie Samosa
~ Veggie Pakoras
~ Butter Chicken
~ Buttered Nan
Lots of water!! lol (thats prob the only good thing I had todey)

Dinner:
My stepdad made my favorite flour pancakes, I ate 3 huge pancakes... They are like funnel cake with syrup. YUM!

Then Hubby and I went to the movies to watch eat pray love and we shared:
Super large ass popcorn
cookie dough bites
Reeses Pieces
and I drank a large Cherry Coke

Somewhere during the day I also consumed 4 oreo cookies and some Baskin Robbins...

Needless to say I feel like shit. Im majorly bloated and stuffed. I hate this feeling... so why did I do this... I guess this was just my last hoorah. I am starting my liquid diet tomorrow and quitting cigarettes and coffee. I feel like I am losing my 3 best friends... at least for a while... I am going to be a psycho bitch for the next month. Yep month!!!! My surgeon is making me do a month straight of full Optifast pre-op bc i weight so much.... Not for nothing guy... I weighed a lot more last time around and my old surgeon only made me do 1 week!!! Either way... I hop to start Vlogging my journey on Youtube.... I will post a link once I get one set up... 

Now that I am getting ready to close this post, I am wondering to myself... why am I about to admit what I ate togday on friggen OH??? Well here is why... First, I have to stay honest with myself and you, my support... without honestly there is no accountability. Secondly, This is so I can look back and say to myself, "Self, look how much yo used to eat and remember how you used to feel... You don't ever want to do that again!" Lastly, I just feel guilty and need to tell someone... so who better to tell than my understanding supportive OH friends... I am looking forward to a better tomorrow!!! 

Love to you all,
Rachel