RackeSRN

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Well, seems I need to take a few to "re-orient" myself and bring myself back to reality.  Haven't been on here since July, so about 6 months.  Had a great and rough summer....little of both.  Managed to ride 3000 miles in the cycling season (April through November) and found a man LOL.     He rides too and we both are very conscious of our weight as he has struggled as well.  My daughter has had many ups and downs and even a hospitalization this past fall.  Reason I mention it is because I gained almost 10 pounds while she was in the hospital-stress eating.  Ran myself right back to the psych at my doctor's and sat my butt down.  The weight gain did not scare me as much as how easily I resorted to old habits...and how subconscioulsy I did it...didn't even realize how I was coping with stress until the weight started creeping up...and I said HECK NO!  I am only 11 pounds from goal; and busting my butt to get there before bathing suit season.  Not that I will put one on....but hey...it is noce to dream some more.
The holidays are over and I mnaaged to not gain any weight....but now it is time to get real serious about conditioning and these last 11 pounds.  Pictures to come soon!

Wow, I know I was really worried about my "unfill", but I have to admit; I am eating like a horse and apparently riding like one as well  LOL.  I am down another 5.5 pounds since my unfill and my nut was afraid I would stall.  My cycling is through the roof, I am climbing hills I never thought I would.  I am also doing distances (70+ miles in about 4 hours) and feeling good when I am done...NOT tired! 
I still get stuck on some things, and after riding real hard I can't eat at all for an hour or two; but that is SOOO much better than bonking on a ride and not being able to ride with my better half.  Speed is a factor as well. My flat times are 18-22 mph consistently, down hills range over 35 mph and up hills stay above 7 -10 mph (depending on length and grade). 
I am within 15 pounds of goal and wearing a size 8 in some things!   Gave a presentation in Battle Creek MI and wore a designer size 8 suit!  YAHOO!
Here's to working the program and making sure the program works!

Ohhhh...it is with utter fear and dread that I post this....I HAVE TO HAVE MY BAND UN-FILLED!  Boo hoo!    Well, it has come down to a choice-give up my cycling or loosen my band so I can eat more.  I guess in the grand scheme of things, this is a good problem to have; as my nutritionist was floored by my level of activity and my band response to heavy-duty exercise.  Ladies (and men too!) -if you want to lose inches off your thighs and butt-GET ON A BIKE!  I have lost 7 inches in one month, over 5 1/2 from my hips and thighs.  However, be ready to have your band clamp down like a nun's knees in a brothel (sorry if I offended anyone) due to the exertion and stress of the hard physical activity!  Everything I eat on days that I cycle comes back up regardless of how fine I chew it or how small of bites I take.  Then, the mornings after I ride hard, I can only tolerate fluids.  Not good-my cycling is suffering and my weight loss has slowed. I can burn up to 3000 calories on a ride and only get in 1200 with a struggle, that and I don't like my significant other/ride coach thinking I have an eating disorder...aka bulimia. 
So, it is with fear and trepidation that I am going in to see Dr Tom to have an "unfill".  To hang with the big dogs and ride with my Posse (Ault Park Posse, that is) I have to eat; and eat a heck of a lot more than I am now so I guess it is my only choice.  I keep telling myself this isn't only about the weight; this is about becoming the athlete I have been and knowing I still am by getting in shape and getting my weight under control.  This is about my health and living the life I know I love; without being overweight and tired.  This is about riding 5000 miles a year for the joy of riding, the pleasure it brings me and the benefits of fitness.  Soooo....... Lets put those classes and support groups to the test! And maybe I will stop puking in the bushes when I try to eat something during a ride...(how embarrassing)

Hi all, once again keeping tabs on myself through this wonderful tool we have in OH.  I am almost 7 months post-op and today I put on AND wore to work size 10s.  (GO ME!)  They are even comfortable and not tight  (YEA!).  I sat and figured out my approximate mileage each week and I am coming close to averaging 200 bike miles a week.  I am 60 miles shy of my first 1000 miles for the season and I hope to get at least 3000 in this season.  The scale isn't changing much, but I am sure noticing a change in my clothes; and to me that is important.  I have dropped into the 160's (168.2 today) and I was referred to as "hot" by several of the guys I cycle with this weekend (and one made that comment many times....of course in teasing; but hey; it was said).   I guess at 43 if I can be called "hot" while wearing bicycle spandex I have arrived 
So much is changing right now and I do feel a little ambivalent about handling the new (and improved) me.  I fear for falling off the wagon (and falling off my bike); giving in to bad habits, reverting back to poor comfort measures and choosing the easy way...again.  I also fear losing the security and safety I had when I was fat.  People didn't notice me or pay attention to me so I was safe.  I know this sounds a lot like my other blog; but I am scared (if you can't tell).  I love the way I feel, I am liking the way I look, I love the things I can do and the strengths I am developing but I also fear for all this change. How long can this last?  Do I have the energy to make it last?
Over the weekend I had some long talks with my friend (and hopefully becoming more than a friend in a very slow progression) and he has struggled with weight and health issues all his life as well.  One of the things he holds most valuable is surrounding yourself with people who share the same goals, desires and motivators.  We talked about the importance of steering clear of sabotaging people and old "friends" that are afraid of your progress and threatened by your changes.  We talked about how important it is to remain strong, and focused and to incorporate moderation into everything so the fear of falling (and failing) is not as real.  We talked about how much we are alike and how much we share and can support each other in our similar journeys.  I still have not told him about my surgery; don't know when I will; but part of me feels like a cheater for doing this.  I know better, but I do not want him to think that of me. 
I knew when I began this that some of my biggest demons would rear their ugly heads AFTER the weight was lost but I did not realize how big those demons could be.  On one hand, I am SO THRILLED with the progress, on the other hand I am so AFRAID of losing ground and drifting back to old habits. 
I need things like OH to keep me in check and keep me grounded! 

Well all; I am really enjoying life right now.  I graduate from college with my second degree in 5 weeks, I have become a very active member of our local cycling club (Cincinnati Cycle Club); I am a ride leader/co-leader for weekly events, my daughter starts band camp soon and I have a new "interest" in life and relationships.  Part of this really makes me struggle with myself and my inner demons, you know.....those demons that got us to 200 or 300 plus pounds?  As I get more control of my life, and people begin noticing me in ways they don't usually or in ways they wouldn't normally (when I weighed 240 lbs) I get uncomfortable.  I carry myself so different now.  I have to admit for a single parent, fat was "safe".  No one bothers with being interested in you physically or in a relationship stand point when you have a child at home and are fat.  Yeah, I MISSED the companionship and the relationship, but I also didn't have to risk anything because there wasn't a risk; nothing ventured nothing gained. Now, any positive attention that reinforces the changes I am making carries a risk....what do i say to the guy that asks me out?  What do I say to myself to give me "permission"?  What do I say to adult companionship?  How do I handle physical attraction again?  And lastly...am i worthy of the attraction?  I almost feel like I am not deserving; however I know better.  I find the attention somewhat uncomfortable, yet wildly wonderful at the same time.
Well....I know this is "deep" but I struggle with this as fat at times is "safe".  I also am a firm believer that many of the reasons fat is safe are because of how we carry ourselves when we are fat.  There is no confidence, no personality and no openness from me when I am overweight.  I am outgoing, fun-loving and "happier" all the way around when I am thinner and I think I create the attraction as well.
Just my thoughts on this fine June morning!

Wow, What an amazing journey.  I can't believe where the last 6 months have brought me.  Roller-coaster ride of the century!  My weight is down to 171 and I am a comfortable, solid size 12.  I am a little frustrated because my weight loss has really slowed and instead of 2 lbs a week it is more like 4 pounds a month (at the most).  Guess that is to be expected though as I am now 25 lbs within my goal weight.  It is still a learning game to see what works, what doesn't work, what I give back and what I keep down.  My physical abilities are amazing me every day!  My cycling is developing in ways I never thought as I am climbing hills and riding paces I have never dreamed of.  There is an area in Cincinnati called Indian Hills and it deservedly has HILLS in its name!  Some hills I am climbing have grades of 14% and climb for 2-3 miles!  My motto used to be "there is no hill I can't walk" and now my motto is "keep it above 7 mph for a good workout"!   LOL  I am riding with a whole new level of riders, average pace line is 17-19 mph on the flats and for once I think I could possibly get a speeding ticket in some areas....bombing hills at 35-40 mph!  I actually have a piece of cycling gear (spandex) that is TOO BIG!  Have you ever known anything of spandex to be too big????????
Again, though, my weight loss has really slowed but I continue to see differences in my body as I am building tree trunk thighs and stronger back and abdominal muscles and toning all this flibbity flab that I have hanging on my thighs and arms.  To all who read this, keep up the good work!  Keep working the program and maybe I'll see ya on the roads soon!
Sonja

Hi all, just checking in to keep up with myself and stay on track.  The last month has been quite stressful with family issues, work travel, personal travel and absolutely no down time.  The travel was a struggle as I learned my band and flying do not like each other at all.  Flying makes my band close up like a sailor's knot and for about 24 hours nothing goes down but water.  Great for the weight loss but hell on the body (and mind).    I also learned that in Grand Fork's North Dakota there is no such thing as healthy food.  The whole attitude around food is completely  different and even in the grocery stores there is very little low fat, light or low carb choices.  They center on meat and potatoes and still cook with lard.  Restaurants were a challenge and even finding choices in the grocery store sucked.  I didn't gain; but I didn't lose either.  My lesson: pay the extra money for a good hotel that will put a fridge in your room.  I am so glad to be home and cooking my own food, knowing what goes in it and eating back on my schedule.  I feel exactly like Kristie on Biggest Loser: "Every time my routine changes I pay....it doesn't matter if it changed for the better; I have to pay first"  Man I am definitely a structured person and don't like my routine messed with.  (Guess this is that whole Cortisol thing where any stress increases cortisol and tells the body to "hibernate"   aka make fat)
After Easter (which by the way I did not eat a SINGLE jelly bean....and no I didn't eat 50 either LOL) I am glad to be getting back to a work/exercise/family routine and getting myself back in order.  I am SO thrilled for warmer weather and outside and yard work and cycling!!!!!  I am comfortably into size 12's now and have to shop soon for summer clothes.  I have 14's and 10's: neither of which fit on my body right now  LOL.  There is even a remote possibility I might put on a bathing suit this summer!  (Scary!!!  I promise to NOT post a picture of that frightening moment!)

YAY!!!!  Today I rode my bike to work.  Not that that is any big achievement, I did it for most of last year when the weather was decent...however...this time I made the 12 mile trip in about 40 minutes on a commuter/hybrid bike and my butt BONES were sore (not my butt....but the BONES were sore) because I lost my padding!  Now, going home will be a whole other story as the ride home is uphill and usually takes me about 1-1 1/2 hours depending on traffic.  I also have to take a different route due to traffic so it is more like 15 miles.
But anyways.....what I really wanted to share was how wonderful a ride it was.  45 degrees, so not warm enough to really get a stink going, and as I came over the crest of the Dixie Highway Hill; at the highest point above downtown Cincinnati in NKY, the sun was beginning to rise in front of me over the horizon and the pinks, and blues, and grays and purples and yellows were AMAZING!  How many of you really look at that while you are driving????  Huh?  Coming down that hill with the city skyline, and the sunrise and the crisp morning air....there is nothing more exhilarating and more peaceful to me in the WORLD! 

I am officially at my lowest bike riding weight EVER and I know I need to get more gear cause I am feeling how wonderful it is to oxygenate less fat and breath better without carrying the weight!
YEE HAH!!!!
Sonja

Today was weight and measurement day at the gym, and even though I am not quite 5 months I decided to go ahead and do it.  Normally I try to wait to closer to my monthiversary but since I will be gone next week I thought I would go ahead.  Spring fever is certainly burning off those calories!   I really thought I had hit a stall, but in the past 2 weeks all of a sudden the scale and I like each other.
Stats to date:  Weight lost: 50.4 lbs Start: 228/Current: 177.6/Goal: 145
Inches lost: 24 total.
Still in 14's but I think that is because of my thunder thighs that are slow to budge....But....50 lbs in less than 5 months...I'LL TAKE IT!

This last month has been a rocky month for me.  I have struggled with losing my surgeon and making decisions I didn't want to make, I have struggled with my daughter and her emotional and psychological problems, I have traveled ALOT for my job so I have have lost my security blanket of pre-planning and preparing my food and the comfort of my gym and my routine and I have also been frustrated by the slowing of weight loss.  Now, I know (as do all of you) that the wonderful 10 lb a month pace of the beginning can not remain and continue for a bandster-especially one considered a "lightweight"....but boy we get spoiled by the rapid loss in the beginning.  I guess I just don't see it as others do, but I feel like I am not losing and I am SO afraid of gaining or falling back into my old habits and becoming relaxed and losing control of my body again.  that, coupled with losing my surgeon just makes me so nervous.  I still don't know what I want...or can do.  I would love to go to Georgetown-my first choice....but I am so afraid with being so fresh post-op that the drive and the support I know I will need are too far away....and that veritable "what if"????....My second choice is to transfer to Dr Curry, who I admire, respect and trust; however I have recently depleted my accounts with program fee #1 and do not see my wallet giving up another anytime soon.  Choice number 3 is to remain with the group filling in for Dr Tom, since that is where program fee #1 went, and also the fact that support group meetings, nutritionist and psychologists are 3 blocks away and I know most of them already.  I don't like starting over with a new doctor; but I don't like the idea of starting over with a new program as well.  So....I think right now I will take the path of least resistance, see one of the new guys tomorrow and then go from there.  I chose TriState for Dr Tom, he did do my surgery....but can I be successful in a program 75 miles away?   I don't know, and I don't want to take that risk right now.  I know myself well enough to know that when it becomes inconvenient, or it becomes a burden; I give up.....how long until driving to Georgetown once every 2 months becomes a burden?   That is what I am afraid of.  Follow up is KEY with this, I know that and I fear it would be too easy to slack on the follow up because it becomes difficult to keep up with due to distance.   Decisions, decisions....hmmmm
I can obsess to death over this; but I have to choose not to.  It is hard when you find someone so wonderful and they leave for whatever reasons...but on the flip side I also feel he gave me the tool, the procedure, and the knowledge; I chose to do it and I can see this through for the rest of my life without being dependent on him....however I can not see this through without support and assistance....and that part of the program really doesn't HAVE to come from him.  Guess I am picking my battles and choosing my poisons.....kind of the same as I have been doing with my 13 y/o for the last month.
Well, thanks for letting me vent....and I will have more to say later....I am sure :o)