4 Months Out

Mar 16, 2009

This last month has been a rocky month for me.  I have struggled with losing my surgeon and making decisions I didn't want to make, I have struggled with my daughter and her emotional and psychological problems, I have traveled ALOT for my job so I have have lost my security blanket of pre-planning and preparing my food and the comfort of my gym and my routine and I have also been frustrated by the slowing of weight loss.  Now, I know (as do all of you) that the wonderful 10 lb a month pace of the beginning can not remain and continue for a bandster-especially one considered a "lightweight"....but boy we get spoiled by the rapid loss in the beginning.  I guess I just don't see it as others do, but I feel like I am not losing and I am SO afraid of gaining or falling back into my old habits and becoming relaxed and losing control of my body again.  that, coupled with losing my surgeon just makes me so nervous.  I still don't know what I want...or can do.  I would love to go to Georgetown-my first choice....but I am so afraid with being so fresh post-op that the drive and the support I know I will need are too far away....and that veritable "what if"????....My second choice is to transfer to Dr Curry, who I admire, respect and trust; however I have recently depleted my accounts with program fee #1 and do not see my wallet giving up another anytime soon.  Choice number 3 is to remain with the group filling in for Dr Tom, since that is where program fee #1 went, and also the fact that support group meetings, nutritionist and psychologists are 3 blocks away and I know most of them already.  I don't like starting over with a new doctor; but I don't like the idea of starting over with a new program as well.  So....I think right now I will take the path of least resistance, see one of the new guys tomorrow and then go from there.  I chose TriState for Dr Tom, he did do my surgery....but can I be successful in a program 75 miles away?   I don't know, and I don't want to take that risk right now.  I know myself well enough to know that when it becomes inconvenient, or it becomes a burden; I give up.....how long until driving to Georgetown once every 2 months becomes a burden?   That is what I am afraid of.  Follow up is KEY with this, I know that and I fear it would be too easy to slack on the follow up because it becomes difficult to keep up with due to distance.   Decisions, decisions....hmmmm
I can obsess to death over this; but I have to choose not to.  It is hard when you find someone so wonderful and they leave for whatever reasons...but on the flip side I also feel he gave me the tool, the procedure, and the knowledge; I chose to do it and I can see this through for the rest of my life without being dependent on him....however I can not see this through without support and assistance....and that part of the program really doesn't HAVE to come from him.  Guess I am picking my battles and choosing my poisons.....kind of the same as I have been doing with my 13 y/o for the last month.
Well, thanks for letting me vent....and I will have more to say later....I am sure :o)

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