BMI 34.7 -Still considered obese!

Feb 21, 2009

I am her and she is me.. The past few months have been real challenging, tiring, trying and emotional. I had this surgery in benefit of my health and goal for a long life. I heard that it changes you and your outlook on things in so many ways. I have learned that it changes your spirit, how u see yourself and your goals. So so many things have happened and let me start backwards.... Since April 2008, my bra sizes have changed 12 times. Just think in one person's lifetime u may need to upgrade about 3 times. I, on the other hand is still not done. It is truly amazing. I thought I would be stuck with the twins forever. Me and my bf went shopping for bras, she had no problem getting her size I on the other hand had to be measured. I learned that I had went from a 44 I to a 40 I(work in progress). I felt like a new woman when i walked out the store, i could see my stomach. The last size pants i bought which was back in December were 17/18 and they were tight. I went out of town last weekend and all of a sudden my pants were baggy. I went and tried on a 15/16 they fit perfect. I wanted to scream in the dressing room.. I bought those pants. Just one pair. I could not believe it. I texted my bf right on the spot. The last time i wore a 15/16 i was in high school. I have to say when i look at myself these days, i am in utter amazement. I did not think i was going to be able to lose this much weight because of my thyroid condition. Just like Dr. Wood said, it dont matter. I love myself. I loved myself before but I love all of me now. My bf always was trying to get me to get fitted clothes, i was still in the same frame of mine like before, cover it up. When u use to wearing stuff to cover up stuff that is what u do without thinking. We were inside the mall something i use to not do because there was only 1 or 2 stores to visit. NOW, i can go into DEB, Kohls, Marshalls, Macy's, and others without feeling that i am not going to fit into anything feeling. I am really feeling good about myself and i guess it is all over my face cause so many people comment on it.

I don't grieve food anymore. I enjoy what i can eat and eat what i can and move on. i am still taking the supplements, calicum, and vitamins. I have been doing greatly bad on protein supplements.

I think being unemployed made me take more interest in myself. There is not a day that don't go by that I don't snap a picture of myself. It is not being conceited or full of myself, it is because I have to keep looking at what a difference weight makes. I never use to like to see photos of myself. I take the pictures to capture each moment cause it is truly a journey i don't want to forget. Each day from family, friends to strangers, the compliments they give is like being a lit up Christmas tree with a shining star on top.

Nothin is depressed about me anymore. I look back at my older pictures and most of them show me being depressed and looking old. Not a day goes by now where someone does not comment that you are glowing and looking younder. Now what does that tell you about excess weight...

Perfections, that is something that i don't harp on or want, never have, it is not necessary. I can walk 4 flights of stairs without stopping and can breathe. I can go shopping and not be too tired where I got to sit down and let everybody else do their thing. I can job a little without looking like I am fast walking. I am so flexible now, let's just say this, there ain't no position that i got a problem with except upside down, things don't look so good hanging when u got excess skin (i bent over looking at my profile in the mirror and looked at all the excess skin hanging includin on my face, i don't look like it's excess but it is).

I heard that married people go through a lot of issues after surgery. I was a non believer, because my husband was supportive throughtout. WELL....the deal is, the spouse can't deal with the changes that the other is going through and it makes them look at themselves and see changes and questions what they look like and make them feel like you leaving them behind. Lately, the tv was my husband's mistress and my computer was my lover I was like enough is enough. He was not at all interested in me. No matter what i said or did. Durin this period of change, his friends, other people would say in front of him, their thoughts of my appearance (all good) and be like "by summer you gonna have to watch her" Not the right thing to say to a man. He started drawing away. I was so into me, because it has been so long that it was about me. It was always, him and the kids. I forgot to incorporate him in my changes, my thoughts, feelings, pictures, etc. I did not ask him how he was feeling or nothing. So, I was like we got a problem...I went off on him so bad, but I could not help it. He told me it was not me, but him. He said he was having issues because he looks in the mirror and sees himself getting and looking older(remember people keep saying I look so young now)., He see the changes in his body, he is a dialysis patient so he dont feel as good as i do daily and can't do alot of what i can now. He is 11 years older than me (just think i use to think he would tire of me and leave for a skinny woman). Anyway, he was thinking I was gonna leave him for a younger man after i got super slim and trim. I was like eventually, if you kept ignoring me that would have happened but not for a man, to be by myself though. He opened up to how he was feeling. I told him i did not just do the surgery for me, but for us too, this should be our journey together. He loved me when i was not looking my best, when I was down and out, angery, sad, sick, drunk, moody, etc. Never once, saying I am sick of you. Now, we got a better understanding what we got to do and what it is going to take from each other. I guess it is intimidating for people to see you differently especially when they questioning their being.

As far as my body, boy! i got saggy skin under my arms, around the arm pits, stomach, and face. I am ok with this. I look at it as a trade off. My thighs have dents and dimples, i still got 3 rolls on my back to be exact. My hair is thin, but its okay, at least I am not bald, and as long as there are wigs and weaves I am good. I wear a stomach shaper to support my stomach and sides(thanks to my mother so many years ago). I still am not working out, which i plan to do so in the coming weeks. I have been so busy everyday doing something. I am living and loving my life now. So is my bf, she weighed herself this morning she is at 200lbs. I am so proud of her, to think she was scared. She getting her grown and sexy on too. I am sorry this edition was so long but alot has happened. Until next time, God bless.