razzberryb

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I don’t know why the thought of being hungry scares me so much. I was never starved as a child. I always had plenty of food. I do remember as a teenager I would daydream about being able to go into a grocery store and being able to buy any kind of food I wanted. I had this one girlfriend, I Loved staying the night at her house because her mom bought the good stuff, the puffed cheetoes and the the pizza you made yourself. They always had soda and some kind of yummy snack on hand.   On my way to work I always think about stopping to get food for fear of the inevitable hunger pains. When I'm eating breakfast I'm thinking about lunch and the snacks I will have in between to keep me satisfied.

I have always wanted to keep a journal to help me understand why I do the things I do. Maybe to look back on and learn from my mistakes. I don’t understand why I always sabotage myself or think that I am not worthy of giving myself the best. Maybe I am giving myself the best and it just is not good enough. I always put on a great face for my friends. I am always happy and joking and even great at making fat jokes. Deep down though I am in a lot of pain when it comes to my weight. I hate the way I look. I try to tell myself that I had my good days, I use to be hot and that is just over for me now and I need to accept that. I have tried diet after diet. Some with success for a short period of time but it never lasted. I tell myself that I just need to be fat and happy. Then something happens. I get invited to a social event or my daughter has a volleyball game that I attend. My weight consumes every thought. What is are my daughters thinking? Are they embarrassed of me? The day of the game I get up enough umph to go. I try to put a smile on my face even though I am miserable and would rather stay in the house where noone can see me. What do I wear? Does it matter, I look like a fat slob either way. Will there be room for me to sit. If it is bleachers I don’t want to have to climb up to higher levels because it is hard for me to get down. If it is plastic chairs will I fit? Will they break?

I know my mindless ramblings may be a bit hard to follow, Im all over the place. What are the things I’m tired of? What do I want?

 

1.  I want my skinny jeans to make me look skinny.
2. I want to wipe the rear without the struggle.
3. I want to go to a party without fearing the little plastic lawn chairs won’t hold me.
4. I want tan lines from my bathing suit not wear my stomach flap sits on my thighs.
5. I want to be able to shop in the walmart cute stuff.
6. I want to be able to walk around without getting winded after 5 min.
8. I want to go to functions without being ashamed.
9. I want to paint my own toenails.
10. I want to tie my shoes without having to hold my breath.
11. I want to be able to put more then 2 inches of water in the bathtub without it overflowing.
12. I want my clothes to fit on hangers again.
13. I never again want to reach into the laundry to pull out a t-shirt then see it was actually my underwear.
14. I want to wear panties again, not bloomers.
15. I want one chin, not 3
16. I want one stomach not 3

17. I want to sleep well and not stop breathing or snore so loud

18. I want my sex drive back.

19. I want to be healthy and have a healthy heart

20. I want to play with my kids.

21. I want my family to be proud of me.

22. I want to fit in the booth at a restaurant and feel comfortable

23. I want to like what I see in pictures and in the mirror
24. I want to succeed!