The Start of Finding Me.

Dec 31, 2012

I have always wanted to keep a journal to help me understand why I do the things I do. Maybe to look back on and learn from my mistakes. I don’t understand why I always sabotage myself or think that I am not worthy of giving myself the best. Maybe I am giving myself the best and it just is not good enough. I always put on a great face for my friends. I am always happy and joking and even great at making fat jokes. Deep down though I am in a lot of pain when it comes to my weight. I hate the way I look. I try to tell myself that I had my good days, I use to be hot and that is just over for me now and I need to accept that. I have tried diet after diet. Some with success for a short period of time but it never lasted. I tell myself that I just need to be fat and happy. Then something happens. I get invited to a social event or my daughter has a volleyball game that I attend. My weight consumes every thought. What is are my daughters thinking? Are they embarrassed of me? The day of the game I get up enough umph to go. I try to put a smile on my face even though I am miserable and would rather stay in the house where noone can see me. What do I wear? Does it matter, I look like a fat slob either way. Will there be room for me to sit. If it is bleachers I don’t want to have to climb up to higher levels because it is hard for me to get down. If it is plastic chairs will I fit? Will they break?

I know my mindless ramblings may be a bit hard to follow, Im all over the place. What are the things I’m tired of? What do I want?

 

1.  I want my skinny jeans to make me look skinny.
2. I want to wipe the rear without the struggle.
3. I want to go to a party without fearing the little plastic lawn chairs won’t hold me.
4. I want tan lines from my bathing suit not wear my stomach flap sits on my thighs.
5. I want to be able to shop in the walmart cute stuff.
6. I want to be able to walk around without getting winded after 5 min.
8. I want to go to functions without being ashamed.
9. I want to paint my own toenails.
10. I want to tie my shoes without having to hold my breath.
11. I want to be able to put more then 2 inches of water in the bathtub without it overflowing.
12. I want my clothes to fit on hangers again.
13. I never again want to reach into the laundry to pull out a t-shirt then see it was actually my underwear.
14. I want to wear panties again, not bloomers.
15. I want one chin, not 3
16. I want one stomach not 3

17. I want to sleep well and not stop breathing or snore so loud

18. I want my sex drive back.

19. I want to be healthy and have a healthy heart

20. I want to play with my kids.

21. I want my family to be proud of me.

22. I want to fit in the booth at a restaurant and feel comfortable

23. I want to like what I see in pictures and in the mirror
24. I want to succeed!

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