time and experience

Feb 22, 2018

So i am almost at six months. and i feel great. i havent lost as fast as some but i am definatly still going in the right direction. i am getting all my protien now. although it still takes a glass of milk to get it all in. and i know that i should be trying to get it all with food. 

experince is teaching me that it is ok to stop when i am full. it is okay to eat less, and it is absolutely ok to throw out what i cant eat. that is hard for me. my family was fairly wanting when i was younger, and it was somethign we never did. we ate all we could at meal time and we had leftovers until the pot was empty. so i am used to piling my plate and shoving leftovers in teh fridge for the next day. but there are SO MANY leftoverd. i just cant eat as much. so if i make a meal it often has to go in the freezer. but the throwing out, i was getting to that i just got off on a tangent. i find that if i put too much on my lplate i want to go back to it later that night and finish it. not a good plan. so i am taking less and throwing out what i have left over. i try to take less and the remainder in the pot still goes in the leftover containers. but even they are smaller. i just had a super hard time taking smaller portions. but i am getting better. 

wine. k i knwo alcohol is evil and empty calories. so i am not looking forward to the temptations of the great and mighty grape. i am strict wtih the nothing before 6 months but it will be hard after march 5th. i just know i have to ration myself and not go crazy. 

what else?

well i fit into a size 20 skinny jeans today. which is a big deal for me. i know a lot of people are a lot smaller at 6 months. but i am proportioned diffrerently than most. i dont have big arms or legs. so there is not a lot of weight there in fact i have mostly skinny arms and legs, all of my original 311 lbs was belly back and neck. oh and chin. what a double chin i had. *had being the operative word, the chin is improving

but my belly is quite extreme. and i could not even fit in a 24 pants when i started this journey. but it is slow going. my bra is just one size down. i am in extra large clothes in most ways. (underwear, shirts, etc.) but pants i still have tgo contend with the belly of doom. it is definatly softer. everythign is softer. i am all squishy. so i have started lifting weights to get the squish down to a firmness. i am getting back my ankle weights from my mum. so i can strengthen as well as tone


i can go up stairs now. properly, well once a day when its not raining. 

its my arthritis it is better. i was so crippled up before my surgery. i have painful arthritis from many surgeries as a child. my knees are both goign to need replacing soon. the first is due in april. on the left knee. 

i am psyched

i feel positive. i feel good. like i am getting back the life i have been devoid of for so long. 

i havent lost as much true, but i have gained so much more

i feel free


Scale victory

Dec 02, 2017

I am now at 242. Yippie 


hopefully i I lose a little more by the 5th   My 3month surgiversery its 3days. 


Lol. Wish me luck


feeling positive. (just waiting for the other shoe to drop)

Nov 26, 2017

I know i know i should be happy i feel smaller and i see a differnce in my face >  face post on the boards 

but icant for the life of me get that glow that some of the people here have. i think it is becasue i am a slow loser. i just dont seem to be losign as fast as i want. and i can see it beign damaging. my average is abougt 600 calories a day. thats not good. and my NUT has advised to have protein, veg, fruit and carbs. so i am trying to get all that in. as you can tell, at only 600 cal a day that is not enough of any one thing to be healthy. i am drinking more milk again. bt only a cup a day. not a huge amount. but enough. it boosts some protein. not like befoer though. when i was having 3 cups a day. that was a good 26 g of protein. and then a premier shake. but thats not until next week. dont want to go back to throwing up. that is the last thing i want


oh and somone packed my scale in the last move. so now i dont have a scale. i know a weight loss journy with out my scale. how to do it? not that the scale was going down anyway last i checked i was heavier than i should have been. i spent two weeks stuck at 250. after being down at 247 at my 2 month weigh in. then last week i was back down to 247. who knows what i am now. i mean it is a mystery. 

i bought new clothes. and i feel that i look lumpy and horrible in them but my famliy are all super pumped about them so i am wearing them. even with the lumps and bumps. 

i dont mean to complain. i am lucky i have no hernias, no side effects othe rthatn the milk and the dumping syndrom (both expected ) 

so i should be happy i just wish i was losing a little faster going down a few more sizes. it seems like in this race i am the snail. not the tortoise who eventually wins. or the hare that starts out so well. just the snail no one notices until she slimes across the finish line hours late. in this case months. sigh

well back to the boards. thanks for listening


the first of three moves and how this is affecting my eating

Nov 18, 2017

So move number one is on tomorrow. and i forgot it was the santa clause parade and had to rebook my truck. as the pick up location was across the parade route from where i live. what a frickin disaster. 

this whole thing i just want to wake up and it be a year ago. my dad would have been alive, my surgery would be pending and i would be able to be prepared for it. knowing now what i didnt know then. i would be alble to appriciate everything i have in my life. 

my eating. it is just a train wreck. i dont want to at all. i have cooked my favorite foods hoping to lure my belly into interest. it is really nto working too well. i want nothing to do with food. i know i will eat when i am with my partner nda my mum as they MAKE me eat. but i just dont want to. and on top  of that i seem to be GAINING weight. i dont want to bitch on the boards. it is already the ME ME ME show every time i post. I dont mean to be so needy. i want to show support for my fellow losers. but i just am having such a hard time. i want to do right i want to eat properly but i find i am not meeting nutritional guidlines and my vitamins! i have the multis and the b12 but the calcium vit D is just proving damn near impossible to get in enough once i take them my pouch feels full and i cant eat. they are just so huge. and they dont fit in my pill cutter. 

excercise. what a bummer. i am absconding my mums recumbent cycle when imove to her place but until then i am making due iwth a little bit of walking. but its not enough well my arthritis screams "thats quite enough" after my walk to work and home. my parnter is convinced i am not moving enough. it is aweful i should be swimming while i have a pool accessable. but i am not. i am still so afraid to go into the world in a bathingsuit. 

Body image. i am saggy, i am not losing the weight, i am stalled on the scale and my body is squishy. i am losing boob. just my luck still got the double chin and now my boobs are dissappearing. fuck. it just sucks. i still have the belly and the pouch it looks like i am carrying a fanny pack i dont look much diffenrt than i did a few months ago I hate me. 

stall on the weight. it looks like i am GAINING weight my scale is the most evil scale of all time it just hates me. i am almost ready to give up on my scale compleatly. only weigh myself at my mums as her scale was on par with the doctors scale last check. but i still check mine and it is higher than it was a week and a half ago. i should be losign and im not. im not losing even after a massive poop. (sorry tmi i know) i was hoping that that would do it but no. i just am near panicing. so much stress. i just needed to vent


moving and all the changes

Sep 30, 2017

I was planning to have an eventful 39th year. bariatric and knee replacement. yep everything was goign to be golden by my 40th birthday. in fact i was celebrating 10 years at my job and 20 years in my relationship. it was primed to be a great year. then this. my condo board changed a condo rule a rule that put me out on the street. well not literally but i can no longer afford my condo. i cant have a roomate anymore. so my mom cant afford to pay that amount (the amount the roommate was paying) every month to subsidize me. so yeah we have to sell. its good in a way. my mom will be selling and making a profit. she is using the profit to buy me a house with my inlaws and we will all be paying her rent. but it means i have to leave my job, my doctors, my pharmacy, my home. oh my home. i have lived here for 8 years. but my moms condition is that we move to within an hour of her. and she lives quite out of the city. i understand her policy it makes sense she wants to see me and not have to worry about the drive. my brother in law has promised to teach me to drive. closes a door opens a window right. i will get  achance to live in the country. where theier are ticks i might add. ticks...

but yeah i think it will be great to live with my partner at last. we have not (0ddly enough ) lived together in 20  years. i know its odd but we had jobs and responsibilities. and just didnt have a chance to live together it worked for us i just its hard enoguth to do these changes but to do them while packing and moving and interviewing agents. 


Spoke to someone at work about my surgery

Aug 17, 2017

I did not realize how excited i was for this until i spoke to somone new about it. 

this was a director and i am just a relief staff so our paths dont cross too often. some of you know i am having a knee repalcement or two soon. but it will be at least six months after my roux en y but this director, did not realize i was having the bariatric so she was confused when we started talking about me having shakes before my surgery. she was nodding but looking very perplexed until she finally broke down and said "why do you need shakes before knee surgery and why is your diet so restrictive" i laughed (quietly to myself) and expalined. i found that talking about it to someone who didnt know about it was informative for me. i remembered a lot of the things i learned in class and things i have learneed here. i felt ready excited and prepared. for the first time in a long time. since my dad passed in fact i felt that this is the total right thing to do. i was so lost before. i have had moments of clarity since but this really resounded on all levels. i just felt ready. you know? just ready. like my life is about to begin. 



i am having tacos this weekend. it is my final meal and it will be a hearty veggie filled one. i dont feel that i am going to binge and have pizza or anything. i dont want to do mcdonalds. i dont want to eat something greasy and fatty i have already left that life behind me. just have to give up the coffee. that is going to be the hard part. oh man i will miss coffee. we can have decaff right? i can live with decaff.


anyway thanks for listening. 


Less than a month

Aug 09, 2017

So ready, well no, not as ready as i was. and now suddenly everyone is all  "maybe you should put it off" i have found out that my inlaws are ready to kidnap me to avoid me having this surgery, my mum, MY OWN MUM, is unsure of me having this surgery, and my partner is ever supportive but is also heasitant about the big changes. does NO ONE have faith in me? i KNOW i can do this. i have been waiting so long. i am disappointed at the lack of faith in me. i have been preparing for over a year now. i want this so bad i can taste it. my whole regime has changed. I am almost compleatly off pop (after being compleatly off pop last spring i kinda got a little bit popy but still only when i eat out wich is less than once a month) i am almost compleatly off alcohol and chips are a no go. but the funny thing is these are all changes that i made not meaning to make them. i just kinda went off a lot of stuff. i would read and read about all the changes and got so excited and the next thing i knew i was not wanting chips. and i was leaving behind all sorts of carbs. i was stocking up on protien snacks. the only thing i wanted to be at before now was eating more eggs. i like eggs but i am not in the habit of making them. i tend to buy a dozen (actually even a half dozen) and they go bad. so i am not at my egg level yet. but i have time to pick that up as a habit. 

i just feel that i am ready. nervous yes, but ready. its time for the big changes that make this so worthwhile. i want a little support is that too much to ask?


so where are we?

Jun 10, 2017

Oh yes, surgery in a little less than 3 months. 

i am excited. I will admit it was a bit of a weebly wobbly time with my dad, and helping my mom through her grief and me going through my grief. but now i feel that i can shed those few pounds i gained back and go forward with the surgery and the life change. 

i know, i mean i know in my heart that i should not  have let my dads passing ruin my weight loss goals. (not that i think I should have proceeded with the surgery 2 days after his death) but i think that i should have had a better handle on my eating and drinking. though the drinking, it was odd. from about last october i was really turned off alcohol. it was only litteraly the beginning of June that i took to having a bit of sangria with supper. i was hoping that the being off alcohol would be helpful in my journy as (from what i have read) you should not drink after surgery i mean it is wasted calories and besides that it is stronger they say. the affects are stronger i mean. 

so September 5th. i have my date. it is finally set and coming and i am so excited. so very excited. 

back on track and ready to rumble. 


thank you all who read this for your ongoing support.



More on dad. just a little wee vent.

Mar 21, 2017

I am going through with the surgery. i asked my father and mother if they were ok with it. the reason i blog this is that i feel like i am never going to get through to them, especailly my mother, that i am a grown person able to handle stress and dire news. 

my father flatlined last week. that was why my sister was so down on my surgery and my relatives were all cross with me because i was not understanding my mothers extreme stress.

don't get me wrong he was reccessetated and he is back in ccu now. he is better than anyone thought he would be. but he is still stressfull. i was so upset about my mothers depression and anxiety i took a cab from work on friday to my mums house and cried the whole way to her place. i was so worreid and convinced i would have to cancel my surgery. i was so dissapointed. 

but she said nothing was wrong she was just having a blue day. i belived her until that night when my sister said casually "well after dad died..." and my jaw hit the floor. 

my mom told everyoen there that she forgot to tell me in teh head of the moment. 

but later told me she didnt want me to give up work for this. i was like 'this' is more important than work. 

anyway. just needed to get it off my chest. 





Feb 08, 2017

So my father ( who for you who are following along at home had a heart attack christmas day and a quad bypass three days later) had two strokes so i was back with my mum in scarborough. 

i only have had a few moments where i have been able to work on my recipes and planning. and all my books are at my mums i start opti in about a month. a little over. i am super excited. it is almost time. i look at the calendar and see my date growing closer and closer. 

i have been shopping for high protien lean foods. and trying different things. cheeses and greek yohgurts. different typesof eggs. all sorts of things like that. 


i am sorry i have not been here. i have been so busy with the hospital and so busy taking care of my mum. it has just been impossible to multitask. i have been taking care and counting my calorites every day but i know this is rather a bit of a test can i keep the focus off eating junk can i keep myself healthy while crisis exists. i must say i am proud of myself. i have been below my calorie goal every day. well almost every day i had a mucho burrito yesterday and even though i tried to keep it healthy i did have cheese and guac on it. the tracker said i was still under but i know how high calorie burritos are. 

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