rebeccare

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Some how in the many years I have been fat I never expected things to change. I attempted to change them. Never did I get results I wanted so I had given up. Things wouldn't change. Since surgery I now have a tool to promote the change I desperately needed.

 I am not a patient person with myself. I somehow thought that after so many pounds I would look drastically different. Really? sheesh I still weigh over 350 why would I look thin? don't ask me because I don't have an answer for this. some how I thought I would instantly look and feel alot better. After all I lost alot of weight right? QWell I am having to learn to be patient with myself and my image. It is working, I am losing. I am losing fast. I just have to count things besides the size of clothes I wear and find a way to be happy tracking the changes and see what I have done. Remember the health changes that are coming about because of this.

I should have taken pictures. I didn't. I didn't meansure either I was too embarassed to look at how big I had actually become. Now I am sorry so I am doing from now pictures and measurements. I need somthing to compare so that I can see and track my progress.

So funny thing is. It never occured to my DH(dear hubby). That I would need clothing on my way down and our family budget is having to go through a re-vamp. So he just figured I would go down 3 or 4 sizes and wear big clothes? i don't know. I am trying to be resonable. Friends and people from my support group gave me alot of pantsl...just light on the tops. So it won't be so bad. I have a large bag of clothes to give one gal who I know can use them. I wish she could have my surgery too.
I kept one pair of my jeans so I can look back. I packed them in the next size of clothes down box so that I can pull them out and see how far I have come. I will do this with each size. I think it will help encourage me to keep going.

H ia for help. I am so blessed to have great friends who have helped me through the last few weeks. It really has only been a few weeks yet some how it feels like a life time. I am losing weight at over 10 lbs a week. No complaints about that I am glad to see it go! I just got to go back to the pool and it feels so good! I can hardly wait to get to go again tonight!

Goal, funny word. How to set a goal how to achieve a goal all big thing and diffciult tasks.

well I met a goal this week and I have a goal reminder. Hubby bought me a Pandora braclet for my birthday. (just a month and half before surgery) When I had my surgery he bought me the first charm. I got my second charm whne I lost 25 lbs. When I get to 50 lbs( I am sure I am already there but I won't weigh in until monday) I get another charm. it is right there onb my wrist. If I forget where I am headed I can look at my wrist and remember where I planned on going. (as the food heads towards my mouth..HAHA) 50 lbs..what a big step! I can hardly wait until that is 100 lbs.....wonder how long that will take!

I am back at the pool this week and I can hardly wait see how lquicky this extra poundage comes off!

 The last 4 weeks have been somthing of a roller coaster ride. I really didn't  think it would be this hard. Infection  and nauseia have been my two biggest fights. Each day seems to be better than the last. It is funny I feel like I am eating and drinking all the time. However it is so little at a time it is not a big deal. If I wasn't eating I wouldn't get anywhere near enough.

I have really been thinking about how this is a forever choice. I am not always sold on the fact that I did this crazy thing to   myself . It is a forever change. I am sure when I am seeing more change and less contorversy.

f should also be for foreign. I often feel like my body speaks a foreign language that I do not always understand. Even simple things when my body says it to me I have to think about what it is saying.  "I have to go pee" is the one that seems to always perplex me. It is not the same as it was before. Who knows why this is. I am learning to understand my body each day. I hope sometime soon I learn this new language in my foreign body.

I really thought I would be farther along in my healing. E is for everything seems to be going worng. I am sure it could be tons worse. However throwing up is not high on my list. I am exhausted. protein is not going well. food in general doesn't like my pouch or my pouch doesn't like it. I am tired of having a hole in my abdomen that I have to pack and change. yesturday it bled all over and scared me.I just am feeling pretty low. and still no good times with vitamins. My multi vite feels like chunks of glass in my pouch no matter that i chewed it to dust. so I was going to try and always keep this positive. but maybe keeping it REAL is a better plan. Currently not sure that this was a good choice. However I can't take it back so here I am.

D is for determination. I need to stay focused and determined that this is working out well for me. I went to the dr. yesturday. He seemed to think I was doing ok. I am fighting an infection.I thought I would be much farther along by now. I am still weeks from getting back to the pool. I am missing it. I need to find a way to tolerate my vitamins better. Nasty tasting things. I think I have concoured my protein issue. I purchased some unflavored and I hid  it in my soup. That I didn't taste or was not offended by what I could taste!

I am going to  support group meeting tonight. I hope that helps with how I feel. I am just feeling blah. I want my determination.My power and fire back! maybe these feelings are typical for 2 weeks. Even to know that might help!

Wow what a roller coaster ride. I would like to have been able to say "smooth sailing" nope not me.I m keeping up the excitement.  I have infections in all of my laproscopic sites. It really HURTS. everything else seems ok.

I am going to the hospital every day. Onmy way there shortly. I miss taking showers,but one of my sites is very open. So no showers for  me.

todays letter is C.S is for cats...ok nothing to do with my weight loss but alot to do with my health. In all of my discomfort  and pain  the crazy cat is by my side.  He keeps me laughing. Find joy in the little things .Even when the bigs things are going all wrong. Once I am healed he is available for a small fee:) He will roll around make funny noises, save you from scary things like hair ties and present them as if he has slayed a dragon. He falls off the furniture  when he is showing off. He will make sure you are still breathing by waking you with a  nose to your nose. He  will annoy your signifigant other in much the same manner the signifigant other has been toying with you. You don't feel up to "getting him back" but the cat will gladly take the job for you. When you are peaceful he will curl up next to you giving you the most luxuriest of fur to run your fingers through and sing you a song of adoration that has nocompare.

B is for blessings. count them all up in your life and appriciate what you have. if you are feeling down or lost. count blessings. you will realize how mnay special people God has given you and how many talents you have. You are  blessed.Blessing 1 a husband who loves and supports me through everything and anything. Blessing 2 a mother who loves me even though she know my faults. Blessing 3, SaraRose I could not be more proud of one of my children. You are me but so much more and so incredible. Blessing 4, My son Seth I could not ask for a more adoring son. Blessing 5, My daughter Summer. Your sweetness lights up my life on a regular basis. Blessing 6 My son Spencer. You make me laugh and smile and mad all at the same time. You are a neat kid and keep me always guessing what will come next. Blessing 7, Friends that are truer beyond compare. I know I can  call on any of you. for whatever need I have and you will be there right by my side or kicking my butt whatever it may be that I need! Blessings in my life go on and on. Those are the important big ones.

I am up because my poor husband is sick and coughing. I am afriad I may be coming down with it too.:( i am hoping not. I am a little over 24 hours from surgery. I am excited and scared. Really scared. I think I have gone through every guilt I know today.Some guilts I didn't even know I carried.


 

Wow. Time flys by so quickly. I am less than 3 weeks away from weight loss surgery. All ready mylife is changing in crazy and increidble ways. I started working inot my pre-op diet. Yes working into it. My doctor didn't say I had to do a pre-op diet. I could do a pre-op diet if I wanted things to "go better" and "improve your chances." so what I decided to do was 2 week of liquid protein diet and eat just dinner. I am on Monday of the week that will end this on thursday. I am not eating  "last meals". I am simply eating things I like. I want. Salad was high on this list. Yes Salad. I know I won't be having salad for a while and I really enjoy the crunchiness of a good salad and the textures and the flavors. the strange things  I am actually tasting my food. I  am actually EATING and CHEWING  my food. I am not just shoving, I am eating. Friday is two weeks until surgery. I will be eating a strictly liquid diet for the last two weeks.

My girl friend had surgery today. I adore her. We have been friends for a long time. (about 17 years) I haven't called her. Why haven't I called her? i am scared. What if....What if somthing went wrong? What if she died? yeah Iam worried about that. her blood pressure is higher than mine. Why can't I bring myself to call her? It is a phone call....good grief. Conny forgive me. I love you I will some how come to do this.


I am working on trying to use somthing else besides food when I get upset. This is HARD. I was talking to friends. Not really working I feel like I am just whining...no whinning allowed.


so I saw an alphabet thing on another blog. I like it so on occassion I ma going to blog A is for B is for ect....but mine is going to be for encouragment for myself not for my fat days. I need encouraging. who better than me??

A is for Avenue. Thsi is my new Avenue. I have always been blocked in my by closed walls and closed ideas. i am opening my self up to noew Avenues and learning new things. I will take my blinders off anf look at things realisticaly. WL surgery is just an road to get where I want to be. I am on my way!

OK well here I go. I have nearly finished the "bariatric path way". I have tricare and that is through madigan Army Medical Hospital.  I had to go to 2 nutrition classes, a goal setting class, a stress management class, have pschyatric testing and an evaluation. Now I get to meet with my surgeon. The ninth of June. Wow. I am scared, excited, happy and aprehensive. I am 40 this year. I just had my birthday. I am trying to figure out what i want to call my surgery day. IO feel it is like being born again from my body. We will see where my outlook puts me after surgery! i have made friends doing the pathway. I hope we can support each other through the  incredible journey we are about to embark on.

A little bit about myself. I am a mother of 4 beautiful children. Ages 17, 15, 13 and 11. I am married to a dear sweet man whom I adore. I have a family home childcare business. I also am an independant consultant for close to my heart and I teach scrapbooking and card making.I want  to live a full life to spend with all the wonderful people in my world.Appearently My dear daughter doesn' t think i should share my information. so......i think i will continue the blog as long as I am comfortable with it.

I had made a commitment to exercise in June. That went well. Until recently I took on watching night time kids and sabotaged myself. I could no longer work out liek I was doing. This week back to the grindstone no matter. I have given my daycare family notice so that they will move on and I can have my time to myself. The best thing  I ever did for myself was to join the gym and it has a pool!