Long time Gone!

May 29, 2011

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I have written here. I've had intentions to write but just never got around to it. So I'm now almost 16 months out from surgery, I'm happy I had it and would definitely do it again. For the last few months I have stayed right around 185 lbs. I'll get to 184 and go up to 187. I'd really like to lose the last 6-7 lbs to get to my goal of 100 lbs lost but I don't know if it'll ever happen. At my current weight/height I am still considered "obese". I'd be just"overweight" if I could get to 178. I'm thrilled to be in a size 12 for most clothes, and it is so much fun to shop for clothes now. I still have trouble seeing myself realistically though. Often, I still see the 280 me when I look and the mirror, and sometimes I look huge in pictures. My friends and family see me as much smaller than I see myself. I need to tone up a lot and  maybe that would help me feel better about how I look. My bat wings are the thing that bothers me the most. The crepey skin is gross and if I bend forward, it all droops together and I look like a Sharpei (sp)?

As far as eating goes, I can eat most things now. Meat can be a problem sometimes, but not as bad as before. Chips and crackers are still calling to me and I have to be careful not to have them around me at home. Way too tempting! Every now and then I find myself eating too many  simple carbs and starting to gain and feel huge. If I just go back to mostly protein and salads, it I feel much better and the water weight goes right back off. I am still a stress eater though, and I know that my addiction to food is something I will have to fight all my life. The fear of regaining is always in the back of mind. After a lifetime of failed WL attempts, I guess I can't expect  not to be afraid. I know that it will get harder as time passes and the malabsorbion of calories goes away. I just have to always be on guard against falling back into all my old habits.

I have been watching a TV show called  "Addicted to Food" that I can strongly identify with. As someone who has always been a "good girl" who likes things to be calm and safe, no anger, no strong negative emotions, etc. I realize that I have to learn to recognize and deal with my emotions instead of "eating" them away. That will be the key to keeping this weight off. I also realize that I have to learn to be "selfish" enough to sometimes put ME first. That is something that has always been very hard for me. For example, I often don't take time to fix the food for me that I need to have on hand for lunches. etc. because it seems like to much trouble. I would feel very differently if I was doing it for a loved one to help them succeed. I have to know that I AM WORTH THE TIME. I DESERVE THE TIME, and I DESERVE THE EXTRAS I spend money on, such as protein bars and Atkins baking mix. It's okay, me, really!!!! Rhonda deserves the same love and care that she gives to her family.

Well, back to life now - I'll get back here soon and not go so long without recording how things are going. I am so thankful for OH and all the help it has given me over the last 20 months!!!

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