November 19, 2020
Nov 19, 2020
Today was not as hard as I thought it would be to get back on track with the food. I had to keep myself thinking all day about it but I got through.
My husband has been on vacation since Nov.12. He has done a couple of things around the house when I ask him to. Otherwise he has planted his hind end on the couch and has watched sports non-stop. A great vacation it is for him. I cannot stand it anymore. He does not go back to work until the 24th of Nov. I hope I don't rip my hair out. He will watch sports until the minute he has to go back to work.
I need to get through this surgery, he will not be of any use to me. I have a sister that lives an hour from me, I think I am going to go stay with her. I just cannot be here. Gio will not be able to give me the support I need. Unfortunate for him, I really don't think I need him anymore.
November 18, 2020
Nov 18, 2020
I blew it today! I knew it was going to happen I just did not expect it today. I had a dental appointment this a.m. then went for a pedicure and a manicure. Something I have been rewarding myself with instead of food. I between I got a call from my boss telling me I would not be coming back to work until the end of January or first part of February. (I am no longer working the 1 or 2 days a week to maintain my health insurance.) That news sent me into the biggest tizzy I have ever had. Straight threw a fast food drive thru and then a trip to Dairy Queen! I was in so much pain by the time I was done I wanted to scream. (I have an allergy to wheat and all dairy products.)
That was the old Barbara that did that, not the one that has worked so hard for the last year to get to this point today! I got home and started all over again. It us the mental anguish that hurts the most. It is like loosing your mind for awhile and when you become conscious again you think to yourself, "what just happened?!?"
I got here because I was not thinking! I got here because I was not in the NOW. I got here because I did not care about myself and just tried to laugh it off. I was the best pal, the best buddy, she is so funny...just don't take her seriously! I have been in therapy for about 8 years. The best 8 years of my life. My therapist, Mary Jo, has done a world of good for me puttng everything in pospective. I am sure I will continue to need her in the future.
I had to get the binge off my chest. I don't feel good for doing it and I know I will not do it again. I am not the best Christian there is in the world but I do pray a prayer every night that there is someone looking over my shoulder.
November 17, 2020
Nov 17, 2020
My first big fear is exercise! I was great in the past exercising but in the last 8 to 10 years I have become a slug. Back problems. Bad knees and a pinched sciatic nerve has put me on the bench from actively working out. I know there are simpler things to do like the tension bands, hand weights, chair yoga...how do you motivate yourself to do it. I cannot start anything and follow through with it. My best friend would like to see me go to Live in Fitness for a month or two in Arizona 4 to 5 months after my surgery. I think it would be the best thing for me. The one thing holding me back is my stupid fear! This whole surgery is going to change everything about me...how much of me do I let go? The bad habits...yes! Does your personality change? Will people remember that I am fun? Just so much inner stuff I never thought about before.
What do you do about sagging skin? Cost of plastic surgery!?! I am probably getting way ahead of myself but this stuff just comes flooding in. One day at a time...
November 16, 2020
Nov 16, 2020
If this Covid isn't enough, my job just cut me from 40 hours a week to 8 hours. I won't be upset about it i just have to chalk it up to one of those things that happens. They are letting me work just enough to maintain my health insurance. I am grateful for that God does bless us even if we don't see it at first.
I want my journey to be a positive one so I need to look at everything that happens in a different frame of mind. When I told my family about the surgery I was surprised how supportive they were for me. They offered me all kinds of help and positive support. Something that had never been there in the past. As I change, they change...or maybe it was there all the time and until I changed I would not see it.
I have lots of questions but I am not sure what to ask. I guess there will be a time when it all comes together and I will be able to see clearly.
Nov 15, 2020
As I take this journey to a new me, I have had to fight some obstacles along the way. The biggest one is my husband, he likes to be called Gio, even I to call him Gio. (GeeOh).
Gio tells me he is on my side when it comes to the weight loss but he is not. He fears that I will leave him once the weight is off. He does things to sabotage my progress and it just makes me so mad that I cannot stand being around him. He will come home with fast food and ice cream telling me I don't have to cook for the night. I tell him right out to STOP! But he does not. I have been doing a liquid diet for breakfast and lunch and then a very small dinner. My dietian wants me to do 60 to 90 grams of protein a day so I supplement my meals with protein shakes. They are expensive so I buy enough to get me through the week. Right away I found out that I was running short only to find that Gio was drinking them like soda and using it as a beverage with his meals. He is as skinny as a string bean but he wanted to use them for weight control. How do you tell him he cannot touch the stuff. I now buy the stuff by the case loads.
I have found that if I add electrolytes and some protein powder to my water it keeps me fuller and I am not hungry between meals or during the day. Only to find him digging into that. There is nothing sacred .
This is going to be a terrible thing to say but I am being honest here, I don't even want him to take me to the hospital the day of surgery. 5 years ago I had to have thyroid cancer surgery. He took me and instead of listening to the Doctor and after care instructions he wasted her time by telling her how she should have preformed the surgery. Mind you, he is an accountant.
I have alot of things to work on before December 3, 2020. I pray that God is with me the whole way. All for now.
November 14, 2020
Nov 14, 2020
On Monday, Nov. 9th I got a call from the hospital, it was my nurse from the bariatric center. She told me because of COVID19.my surgery was going to be cancelled and they did not know when it would be rescheduled. My heart dropped right out of my asshole ( excuse the language). I was devastated and wanted to cry. I had been working at this for the last 8 months and my dreams of a better life was just shattered. I was at work and I did not tell anybody that I was having surgery, let alone Bariatric Surgery. I wanted to cry...but more than than I wanted to eat something to soothe my emotions.
I have been working for years with my therapist to get through my "fat girl" thinking and emotions and I realized in that moment I was reverting back to all my old stuff. How could I do that to myself? How could I let everything go? It was easy...easier than I thought. I could hardly wait to leave work so I could decide what 2 or 3 drive thrus I was going to hit.
Work was done and I lumbered out to my truck anticipating a burger or greasy chicken sandwich or better yet a big ice cream come from Dairy Queen. Or all of it!
Once I started to drive I decided that if I could make it part way home maybe I could make it all the way home. I only had 9 miles to drive but I knew for sure I would stop. I made it to the 3 mile mark and things were going good. I was hoping and praying I could make it home. The next 6 miles were the longest of my life...burgers, fried chicken and ice cream was what I deserved because COVID19 fucked me over. It was COVID19's fault for my feelings and I was going to pay it back by hurting myself.
I realized at that moment I was crazy! Probably the worst I had ever been. COVID19 was going to be my demise because it was forcing me to eat. I pulled to the side of the road and finally cried. How ashamed I was to start blaming the world for my unhealthy body. I pulled myself together and drove the rest of the way home (without stopping for food). I was quiet the rest of the night but I was able to conquer something I had always fallen to before. For once in my life I finally wanted something more than food.
I got news today that my surgery will be December 3rd. Even though it was 39 degrees today the sun did shine down on me. I thank the people in my life foe believing in me. I thank the Lord above for the struggles I have gone through to learn who I am today.
I am not perfect but I know the people that care about me have my back and will be there when I need them and when I think I don't need them.
My name is Barbara
Nov 13, 2020
My name is Barbara. I grew up as a very overweight kid and ended up as a very overweight adult. I thought I was normal! It wasn't until I went to a baby shower for my neice and saw the posted picture of myself did I really realize that not only was I a few pounds over weight but I was morbidly obese.
I cried when my neice sent me the picture. How could I have not cared about myself enough to let this happen to me. My answer for that statement is denial, depression, more denial and alot more depression.
There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. The picture was the object that made me rethink my life. If I did not start taking care of myself now I would never do it. The day I saw the picture was the day I called my Doctor for a referral to the Bariatric Treatment Center. I made my appointment for May 29, 2020. That was the day of my rebirth. That was the first time in my life that I decided to love myself. That was the first time I had decided to put me first instead of putting me at the back of the line.
I have not looked back. I weighed in at 407 pounds. I was horrified that I had broke the 400 mark. Today is November 13, 2020. I weighed myself this morning and was 374 pounds. I can bend over and tie my shoes without holding my breath. Many people won't understand why that is such a big issue. If you weighed 407 pounds you would.
This is just the beginning of my life. I will keep you posted how the rest of it turns out.