November 14, 2020
Nov 14, 2020
On Monday, Nov. 9th I got a call from the hospital, it was my nurse from the bariatric center. She told me because of COVID19.my surgery was going to be cancelled and they did not know when it would be rescheduled. My heart dropped right out of my asshole ( excuse the language). I was devastated and wanted to cry. I had been working at this for the last 8 months and my dreams of a better life was just shattered. I was at work and I did not tell anybody that I was having surgery, let alone Bariatric Surgery. I wanted to cry...but more than than I wanted to eat something to soothe my emotions.
I have been working for years with my therapist to get through my "fat girl" thinking and emotions and I realized in that moment I was reverting back to all my old stuff. How could I do that to myself? How could I let everything go? It was easy...easier than I thought. I could hardly wait to leave work so I could decide what 2 or 3 drive thrus I was going to hit.
Work was done and I lumbered out to my truck anticipating a burger or greasy chicken sandwich or better yet a big ice cream come from Dairy Queen. Or all of it!
Once I started to drive I decided that if I could make it part way home maybe I could make it all the way home. I only had 9 miles to drive but I knew for sure I would stop. I made it to the 3 mile mark and things were going good. I was hoping and praying I could make it home. The next 6 miles were the longest of my life...burgers, fried chicken and ice cream was what I deserved because COVID19 fucked me over. It was COVID19's fault for my feelings and I was going to pay it back by hurting myself.
I realized at that moment I was crazy! Probably the worst I had ever been. COVID19 was going to be my demise because it was forcing me to eat. I pulled to the side of the road and finally cried. How ashamed I was to start blaming the world for my unhealthy body. I pulled myself together and drove the rest of the way home (without stopping for food). I was quiet the rest of the night but I was able to conquer something I had always fallen to before. For once in my life I finally wanted something more than food.
I got news today that my surgery will be December 3rd. Even though it was 39 degrees today the sun did shine down on me. I thank the people in my life foe believing in me. I thank the Lord above for the struggles I have gone through to learn who I am today.
I am not perfect but I know the people that care about me have my back and will be there when I need them and when I think I don't need them.