November 18, 2020

Nov 18, 2020

I blew it today!  I knew it was going to happen I just did not expect it today.  I had a dental appointment this a.m. then went for a pedicure and a manicure.   Something I have been rewarding myself with instead of food.  I between I got a call from my boss telling me I would not be coming back to work until the end of January or first part of February. (I am no longer working the 1 or 2 days a week to maintain my health insurance.)  That news sent me into the biggest tizzy I have ever had.  Straight threw a fast food drive thru and then a trip to Dairy Queen!  I was in so much pain by the time I was done I wanted to scream.  (I have an allergy to wheat and all dairy products.)

That was the old Barbara that did that, not the one that has worked so hard for the last year to get to this point today!  I got home and started all over again.  It us the mental anguish  that hurts the most.  It is like loosing your mind for awhile and when you become conscious again you think to yourself, "what just happened?!?"

I got here because I was not thinking!  I got here because I was not in the NOW.  I got here because I did not care about myself and just tried to laugh it off.  I was the best pal, the best buddy, she is so funny...just don't take her seriously!   I have been in therapy for about 8 years.  The best 8 years of my life.  My therapist, Mary Jo, has done a world of good for me puttng everything in pospective.  I am sure I will continue to need her in the future.

I had to get the binge off my chest.  I don't feel good for doing it and I know I will not do it again.  I am not the best Christian there is in the world but I do pray a prayer every night that there is someone looking over my shoulder.

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