While I have reflected a lot about the path that led to my obesity, I have never put the information in writing.  I believe putting it down in print will make this more concrete but not sure how to describe it all. It's interesting when you know the basis for what you do and the reactions you are having but still have trouble turning that knowledge into a change in behavior.

I grew up in a small rural area of Northern California. My parents married very young and divorced when I was about 5 (I had two sisters at this point).  My dad did not pay child support and my mom obtained a minimum wage job as a waitress.  She had a boyfriend that lived with us, never worked and drank all day.  Many years later they married and had my brother.  They did not divorce until I was in college.  I wish she figured that one out a little earlier but such is life.  All of this is pertinent because if you can imagine a woman making minimum wage supporting two adults (plus an alcohol addiction) and eventually four children then you will imagine that money was tight and food scarce at times.  My mom was hard-working and very proud.  She did not believe in any form of social welfare including medical care.  She always said we were not allowed to be sick.

I am not someone that was overweight as a child or struggled with weight from an early age.  Actually, the opposite was true.  I was underweight much of my childhood. I have several memories relating to a lack of food that I believe in part led to my later overeating and the development of bad patterns with food later once I had more access.  I feel like we were often in a feast or famine mode in our home a lot. If my mom suddenly had good tips she would splurge and make a huge meal and we would all gorge ourselves like Thanksgiving. Other days we would ask about food and she would say she did not know anyone was hungry and it was too late to eat.  It probably did not help that when we did eat it was not a menu that encouraged healthy eating - every vegetable was served fried or with a thick cheese sauce (Velveeta anyone) and a cast iron skillet with bacon grease was always kept on the stove for frying all meat.  I have a million stories I could tell about this time (some humiliating) but they all add up to my having anxiety and panic at the idea of not having a full pantry and plenty of food at every meal.

I did not start gaining weight until college when I had three meals a day (all you can eat dorm food) plus all of those late night snacks.  I was the first person to attend college in my  family and really had no oversight or involvement from anyone. I gained slowly and steadily during this time. I really did not feel comfortable leaving any meal unless I felt over full.  I think that my idea was I need to eat as much as I can now because who knows when you will get an opportunity to eat again. When I went to a restaurant on a date I would look at the menu for the item that would be the most filling not what I would enjoy the most.  I would sit there and worry that I might not feel full after I was done eating.  I never had binge eating episodes or loaded up on sweets.  I just made sure I ate "hearty" food in large quantities at every meal. Once when I was newly married I was showing my husband the pantry and telling him about some great deal I got on spaghetti sauce and I remember him saying but why would you buy so many jars when we already had a lot.  I burst into tears and practically had a panic attack when he suggested not buying more groceries until we had diminished the backlog a bit. He never made that suggestion again! He is tall and vey thin. He eats large quantities but does not gain. He actually loses weight if he is ill at all and does not keep up wth eating enough food.

I never attempted to diet until a couple of years after my second child when I reached over 200 pounds about 27 years old.  I realized that I weighed more at that point than at the height of both pregnancies. Just the thought of dieting made me want to eat more because I knew I would be limiting the amount of food I took in and that always caused anxiety. I tried many different programs most of which lasted less than two weeks for me...see anxiety reference in previous sentence.  The only program that I was able to maintain for any length of time and with any success was weight watchers.  I do well on weight watchers because I spend all of my time trying to find the most high volume food with the least amount of fat and calories (points). The problem would be that I would always get derailed 6 - 9 months into the program for a variety of reasons - illness, moving, program ended at work, etc.  I would always retain some good habits but mostly went back to my previous bulk eating at meals. Even healthy food is a problem in those quantities! It took me a lot of soul searching to understand and admit my motivations for eating this way. I worked hard on overcoming anxiety about portion control in my five months before surgery and lost 28lbs slowly under the direction of my doctor.

I am now 39 and have been over 200 lbs for more than 10 years of my life. I feel like I lost my 30's and part of my 20's due to my weight.  After hovering around 220 for years, this last three years I suddenly started gaining steadily again. I had stress that I fed and used food for comfort.  I reached an all time high of 257 lbs on 12/23/09 and knew that I had to make a significant change. I started having sore joints, could not tie my shoes easily, could barely get my seat belt buckled on planes, snored and experienced sleep apnea. It began to significantly impact the activities that I was able to do with my family. Thankfully, my husband and kids are very supportive and never judgemental.  So, my final decision to have weight loss surgery was supported by them but not pushed by them.  Everyone is excited to have me join them on their hikes and bike rides again.  I love kayaking too but lately it has been too dificult to get in and out of the kayaks. I weighed in on surgery day at 229 and sit here on day 13 at 215lbs and know that no matter how difficult this path it was the best choice for me.  I will be thankful to regain my health and start being active with my family again instead of watching them from the sidelines! 

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