Yesterday was both a good and a rough day for me. I had my first round of pre-op testing a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. All went well. I had 1 polyp removed and should have the biopsy results within 10 days. They found a Hiatal hernia in my esophagus. It isn't bothering me so we aren't sure what, if anything we are going to do about it. However, the Gastroenterologist has released me for the surgery! YIPEE! So now I have the last pre-op test on Thursday, an upper GI.

During the tests I was on my left side for the entire time. My left knee is so much worse with arthritis than my right, but you know, you do what you have to do. So after the pain meds and anesthesia wore off I was in more pain than normal. Usually my left knee is at about an 11 without meds (on a scale of 1 to 10, not exaggerating here) and my right knee is at a 5. Well today I would say it hit 15! So I called and checked if I could take some morphine so soon after the anesthesia and was told I could. So all is well, but during the waiting for the nurse to let me know my husband said “Honey, you don’t deserve all this pain”. Well this triggered something in my memories. I wanted to cry. I didn’t and just thought about what was going on. Well here it is ... it’s old and it’s painful and it’s not pretty.

I am sure my Mom and rest of the family did this with the best intentions not knowing how it would make me feel and think about myself but this is what happened.

I remember when I was younger and wanted pierced ears. My Mom would always say, “You can have them when you lose some weight”. Now I was under the age of 10, of course I was overweight but not nearly as obese as I ended up. When ever it came to something fun/trendy to do with looks, that’s what I always heard. I also heard it when it came to do special things. Like go to the beach with friends. I didn’t realize, and I am sure my family didn’t understand, what that was saying to me or how I internalized that message. I DON’T DESERVE anything nice, pretty or special. I WON’T DESERVE any of those things in life unless I am thin.

WOW, what a horrible thing to teach me and for me to think about myself. But it is, I didn’t consciously know that until now. I can remember many times when I refused things later in life thinking, nope, can’t do that until I am skinny. Well I have never been skinny so I have missed out on so much imposed on me by family, society and myself.

Well now I know, I do deserve it ... not the pain, not the heartache, but anything I want. Like my pierced ears (ok, my sister-in-law snuck me out on my 11th birthday and got my ears pierced) my Mother acquiesced after that.

I think I am going to buy myself a cute pair of earrings ... just because!