rutro88

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So yesterday 10/17/69 I celebrated by 41st birthday.  Everything was great EXCEPT I thought I was ready to eat something really good.  I knew I couldnt have cake or any of the normal things we have on our birthdays so I told my DH to take me to get some crab legs.  I was sure with the meat being so soft it would go down like a dream.  Well it did alright, like a NIGHTMARE DREAM!  After only eating a little over one snow crab leg I began to hurt so bad.  I have never had anything get stuck before but I seriously think that is what happened.  I was in so much pain and hurt so bad.  I went to the restroom thinking I might have to throw it up but I never could.  After about 20 minutes, the pain somewhat subsided but not completely.  I went home and went to bed and slept until almost 8:00.  When I got up, I ate a popsicle and felt better.  Oh well, lesson learned.  Guess its still soft foods for me that are creamy/soupy.  But I am down 32 pounds now, so that makes me very very happy! 

Well today I had an appointment with my neurologist.  I drove myself, it took about 40 minutes to get there.  I did fine.  Got through with my appointment (on base) and met my hubby at the BX for a little shopping at GNC and then I drove back towards home and made a pitstop at a little jewelry/bead store.  I was out and about for approximately 4.5 hours.  I was very tired when I got home but not hurting bad at all.  I am supposed to go back to work next Wednesday, however, after today, I am not sure I can hold out all day long.  I have a very stressful job working in customer service for an electric company taking customer complaints all day.  It is fast paced and hectic most of the time.  I am just not sure I am ready for it.  I see my surgeon on Tuesday, so we shall see!!!!!

On a positive note...I am now in the out of the 230's and into the 220's!!!!! Weighed in at 229 this morning... that's 26 pounds total in 2.5 weeks!!! Yay!!!!!

Today I am down 24 POUNDS! Wow.  My husband told me today he can see my face getting thinner and thinner.  I dont see it.  I am afraid I will be one of those people with image issues.  I go for my follow up next Tuesday, probably back to work on Wednesday.  I am ready to move on off of these liquids.  I have had so much water, SF jello, broth, SF popsicles and yogurt to last me a lifetime!  Bring on some pureed foods!!!!!!!!   I find myself dreaming about food, lol.... never have I EVER done that before but yes, I am dreaming about food.  One that particularly stands out was about this Thai soup that I love called TOM KAI GAI.  OMG it is the best thing ever.  I am thinking once I move to pureed foods, I might get my DH to stop by and pick me up some so I can puree it in the food processor just to get the flavor!!!!!  YUMMO!

Yesterday was tough.  All I did was cry all day.  My husband is so sweet to me and does anything I ask him to do but the problem is I dont want him doing things for me I want to do them MYSELF but I am not in a position to do so right now and that is very hard for me.  I am not a dependent person, dont like people fussing over me.  It is also tough walking around and looking at my house and seeing things that need to be done (laundry, vacuuming, sweeping/mopping, etc.)   I will be glad when I am able to take care of myself 100% again and do the things for my family that they need me to do. 

On a lighter note, today I am six days postop and woke up feeling pretty darn good.  My husband drove me to Walmart for a quick trip to get a pair of scales.  We honestly parked right by the garden section and went in and the scales were right there so I was by no means walking around all over Walmart but at least I did get to get out of the house today.  I am feeling more energy today and that is a good thing.  I still have soreness on my left side but I know it will get better.   I am still sleeping out on the couch in the recliner, I tried the bed for a little while this morning and it is just not comfortable to me just yet.  But that is okay.  I know each day is going to continue to get better and better.  And oh, by the way, I am down FIFTEEN POUNDS!!! Yay!

I am so glad that I made it through surgery and made it home to my family.  I have now begun this journey.  The first few days were tough.  I was in ICU as I had to wear my CPAP and could not breathe on my own so they had to attach oxygen to my CPAP machine and even then I stopped breathing several times during the night but only for a few seconds at a time.  It was a rough first night after surgery.  On Tuesday after my CT scan which showed no leaks, I got moved to a regular room in the afternoon.  I was still feeling a little rough, but was up walking around and had hopes of feeling better.  Wednesday morning came and I woke up feeling like crap.  I was hurting something awful, I was irritated with the hospital bed, very uncomfortable, tired of shots (had to take insulin shots because my sugar spiked after surgery and take the shots to prevent blood clots) I was tired of getting poked in the fingers to check my sugar, I was tired of the IV in my hand which was really hurting at this point (I dont take IV's well...they always have hard time getting them in), tired of not being able to get up and down out of my bed without calling someone, I was just NOT HAPPY.  Then, when I went to the restroom, I stopped by the mirror in the hospital room and pulled up my gown.  My oh my... that was a mistake.  I had six ugly incisions and the left side looked like I had been in a horrible punching match and lost.  I also felt that my left side looked somewhat deformed.  My surgeon looked at it and assured me it was all fine and that with time it would all begin to lool much more normal.  Finally that afternoon, he let me come home (it was my choice, I could stay or come home but felt that my husband and I would be able to do better at home).  Boy, not sure that was a wise choice.  Wednesday afternoon was AWFUL for me.  I hurt so bad, both from the bruises and gas pains.  I could not tolerate much as far as liquids or protein.  I just felt really bad and of course was questioning my decision to have the surgery.  Thursday, I woke up feeling somewhat better but then had a bad bad bad reaction to some liquid protein I tried and was in pain for well over an hour.  Then Friday came.  I woke up and actually felt pretty decent.  I am able to walk more and more each day.  I was abled to get in all my protein today and am trying to finish up on my water.  I still hurt, still sore, but I can see that I am improving.  I hope to report later this month that I am feeling GREAT!

On Sunday, September 12, 2010, I went through so many emotions.  Mostly, I felt sadness mixed with fear.  I was sad because I knew I was about to change my life and wasnt sure if I was making the right decision.  I was afraid I might not make it out of surgery, might not make it home, might not make it through the first week...so on and so on.  I literally cried off and on ALL day.  I sought comfort from people on OH and found many understanding, caring people who listened and answered my questions.  I will never forget the feelings I had that day, I only hope in the future they are met with the same amount of joy, happiness and feelings of accomplishment as I meet the goals I have set for myself.

Yesterday I had my preop with my surgeon.  I was already beginning to feel reality setting in before I arrived for the appointment.  But nothing could compare to how I felt once my appointment was over.  I am so scared. There is a battle going on within me between the little voice that says you are making a mistake having this surgery and the one that says you need this surgery.  I am scared of something going horribly wrong and maybe even dying from the surgery.  I know this is extreme but I feel like I have to get this all out.  I have to come to peace with my decision and that is what I am trying to do as each day passes.  I want to be happy, healthy and live a long life with my husband, children and future grandchildren.  I know if I continue on the path I am currently on that this will not be possible.