sallyj

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Just a quick update.  I spoke with the surgeon about the tummy tuck and he was very positive about the likelihood that insurance would pay for it.  If I want the belly button moved, I would have to pay for that.  I can do without a belly button thank you please.  So now the wait is on for the insurance.  The breast reduction only took a week, but this surgeon is going to be out of the office the rest of the week, so that may put the submission a bit behind.  But still, I could hear by the end of the month.  And then it will be just a matter of getting an opening.  So I'm aimming for late June.  That should give me plenty of healing time before the term gets going.  

I showed him my progress photo sheet that I took to the support group last night.  He is very pleased with my results and said I am one of his more successful patients.  It was nice having a doctor pleased with me instead of giving me grief.  Even though I am still a few pounds away from my number goal, I still feel like I am "there.:"  I'm active, I feel good, I eat generally healthy, don't worry about finishing everything on my plate, can fit into cute clothes, etc.  I'll work to get the last few pounds off, but then work to keep it off.  That's the next challenge.

But one cool thing is that he asked if he could use the photos in his seminar.  Of course I said yes.  After some more conversation he laughed and said they needed to hire me on their team as I really seemed to get it.  That was flattering, but I don't know that they can afford me!  But his office manager did call to ask if I would come to the seminar next week to speak.  That's sounds like fun, so I agreed.  This has been a very ego affirming couple of days!

I was even able to stop at my favorite boutique and get some sale tops for summer.  I spent $60 but got $340 worth!  I did splurge on a little pink lace camisole that I really didn't need but it was kind of sexy.  I guess I can do sexy now, even if it is just for me!

It is now 18 months since my surgery.  I am at 175.8, or 222 pounds lighter.  Some days I catch myself in the mirror and try to think back to what I was like at almost 400 pounds (truth is I know there were times I was over 400).  

My feelings are kind of mixed because generally I feel like I am the same person I always was.  Maybe it is a form of body dismorphia, but I never really saw myself as fat as I really was until the end.  Even as a fat teen, I just didn't see how bad it was--something my mother never understood.  Maybe because of my weight, I saw my true self as being in my mind and spirit--that which I believe lasts beyond the death of the body.  So even with the shrinking body, I don't feel like I have changed that much.  I am more comfortable in public, but I don't know that I am any "more" (assertive, funnier, outgoing, etc.) now that the weight is off.  I had reached a point of satisfaction with my life before, and I am still satisfied.  I had and have a good life.  (Not to say that winning the lottery isn't still a dream!)

I am so glad I had the surgery, and will be a supporter of it.  I know peple don't like hearing that it is the "easy" way out, but for me it was.  It was easy to lose weight when you didn't want to eat, when it hurt to eat too much, when there was only protein to worry about, when there was a support system in place, when my body was working with me instead of against me, when the results were clear and steady.  Yes, I had to work at following my diet, at exercising, at taking my supplements, etc.  But nothing like I did before with regular dieting.  I think the real work will be in maintainance.  That's the proof of the pudding.  And not gaining the "bounce back" pounds.

I know I'll always be overweight, but I am okay with that.  I can fit into a misses large, so I have plenty of clothes options; I can ride a bike; I can go out and not worry about fitting into a chair; I can fly without people having a look of panic when I sit next to them; I can do what "normal" people do.  I am still vain enough to want the tummy tuck (I'll see the surgeon about that tomorrow) so my gut won't hang out of everything.  My legs will always be hedious--and there's no surgery to take care of that--so no dresses for me unless I can find some really big calfed boots.  

My health has always been good and still is.  My knees were the only real problem--and they still are--but that is chronic and will require knee replacement one of these days.  But the cholesterol is low, the blood pressure is good, the blood work seems fine, and all is right with the world.  I think the spots I developed are due to the sublingual B12.  I stopped taking them about a week and a half ago and already the spots are changing.  I'll take the shot tomorrow and see if there's a change.  I suspect it was something in the pills that I was reacting to.  If that's the case, then I know I can go back to the stool softeners if I need.  And it is easy to replace the B12 with a shot wereas I don't think it would be easy to replace the vitamins.  

So, what next.  My goal for the next six months is to get down to 170 and stay there.  That is only a pound a month plus maintanance.  But as I can control my behavior more than I can control the actual weight, I want to create some behavior based goals.  So here goes:  

1) create an eating plan for each day and stick to it
2) create an exercise plan for each week and stick to it
3) try one  new activity every two months

Here's to a great year and a half and to another great six months.

Just one and a half weeks to the 18 month mark.  I'm not quite to goal, but I know why.  I have been eating too much junk.  I've gone back to some eating behaviors that got me in trouble in the first place, so I need to address those while I try to get off a few more pounds.  

I've ordered a couple of books to help me along.  One, The Beck Diet Solution: How to Think Like a Thin Person, is based on cognitive behavioral therapy.  It really addresses changing the way you think to change your behavior.  I need to become more thoughtful and intentional about the sugars, carbs, snacking, etc.  I had hoped that I would be able to "get by" with the healthy habits I had been developing--and they have helped some--but I guess it will be another long term effort.  Maybe I'll never get to where I don't have to think about "not snacking."  I'm hoping the book will provide me with some tools to keep my mind focused.

The other book, Winning After Losing, is also about maintainance, but is written by a woman who had wls five years ago.  I thought that would be helpful since it is written for someone who has lost hundreds of pounds not just 15 or 30.  Although maybe that is something I need to get over as well--the assumption that 15 pounds isn't that big of a deal.  If it were so easy, I'd be at goal right now!  And I sure don't want to gain 50 pounds before I feel like I have to do something.  

But I do need to get serious about adapting my eating to a place that is "normal" for me.  Where I'm not gaining weight and not snacking all the time.  So the battle continues.

I did splurge and buy me a bike.  It's a cute woman's bike--the color of pistachio ice cream--with a woven basket.  It is so much fun riding around again.  I've always thought about getting a bike again "someday" when one would hold my weight.  I haven't been on a bike since high school.  I may not ever be riding around cross country, but I would like to get to where I could ride it to the store.  Bike riding was such a thing of freedom at home.  And it is still cool to coast down the hill with the air blowing in your face--such a childlike thrill!  I even got a bike rack that works on the Miata!  So now I can take it down to the river front for rides.  I need to get a dog attachment for Spenser.  But first I need to get to where I build up some strength.  It is amazing how wimpy I am when it comes to even a slight incline!  Jeez!  You'd think that with the swimming and stationary bike I'd have some leg strength.  

I did do a water aerobics class this past Saturday.  I wanted an exercise option to do if the lap pool was filled.  I'm glad I did because that is exactly what happened on Sunday.  All the lanes were taken.  I'll probably do a few more sessions to get a better grip on the exercises (I don't remember them all yet), but I still feel like I get a better workout swimming.  I just know I need to change up the exerices to stay motivated.  I'll work on the biking and swimming this summer and maybe do something else come winter--maybe then I can do the fencing!  

On the 16th I go to the surgeon for a tummy tuck consultation.  I don't know if insurance will cover it.  I hope so because otherwise I just can't afford it.  If I could get a good tuck that takes care of some above the belly button as well, I think I would be very happy with the end results.  I am in a size 12 top and 14 pant.  I'd like to be down to a 12 in the pants as well and probably would be with the gut off.  My legs are still horrid, but I suspect they always will be.  No cute sun dresses for me.  That is a bit of a drag, but if that is the worst thing, I am so far ahead of the game it isn't funny!

I haven't been all that pleased with the arms, but then this past weekend at the pool I noticed several ladies with the arm flaps.  Mine were worse than any of theirs, so it reminded me of what they had been compared to now.  They may not be what I want (especially the elbow droop) but they are so much better than they were.  

Last night I watched a couple of shows on The Learning Channel about SMO people.  I have mixed feelings about these shows as I wonder how much help they generate in comparison to their "side show" elements.  Why were the men generally shown without being clothed or covered?  It could be that they don't have clothes the right size, but why no sheet?  Do the producers want to emphasize their mass at the expense of their dignity?  

I even wonder about the self-promoting nature of pages like this.  What is the real benefit of putting one's own experiences out there in virtual space.  Does it just feed the narcissitic nature of our society?  The only reason I continue to do it is that I remember how much I appreciated reading the experiences of others who started out SMO.  It gave me hope that I too could get through this successfully.  

I will say that watching the shows last night motivated me to toss the snacks and get back to the exercising.  I've been slacking off a bit--hard to get motivated for the bike at 5 a.m.  I figure I need to switch up the exercise.  So this morning I went for an early swim.  That seems more enjoyable at this point.  But I do also need to look into something else as well.  I miss the deadline to sign up for a dance class--something I've always wanted to do dispite my complete lack of rhythm and coordination!  Maybe I'll look into fencing lessons.  The gym offers those.  

May 15th will be my 18th month mark, so I hope to reach my goal of 170.  Then any extra will be bonus and some wiggle room for any "bounce back."  And whatever comes off from the tummy tuck will be just that much extra.  I see the surgeon to start the process mid May.  I am concerned about the insurance as I haven't had any rashes.  But it does hang down very low and he said he thought it would be medically necessary.  I can't afford it on my own.  But I do want that to be the last surgery.  I worry a bit about the pain and recovery of it as I hear it is worse.  

I am now merely overweight!  I have lost 221 pounds and have gone from a BMI of super morbid obese to that of just overweight!  I still have 7 more pounds to go to reach goal--and I hope to do that by May 15th, which is my 18 month mark.  

I just returned from a conference in Orlando, and several times thought, "there is no way I could have done this before surgery."  The hotels were huge and required a lot of walking.  Even using the buses to get back and forth would have been difficult--I had reached the point where getting up into the bus was a strain.  And the chairs in the rooms were so close together that even skinny people "filled" them.  And I know I would have been wretchedly uncomfortable flying, especially when we were stuck waiting for the first mate.  I can't believe how much easier it is to simply function with the weight off.  I always knew it to be so, but I guess I really didn't understand.  

I have been swimming again and that seems to help with the energy a bit.  I have just been so tired.  I do wonder about my thyroid and if it might be a bit off.  I really expected to have more energy than I do with all the weight off.  And I'm not very strong.  I tried to do a sit up--not!  I couldn't even get my back off the ground.  I guess I need to get some help to do a strength training program.  I'll see the surgeon in a month about a tummy tuck, so I wonder if it is better to have flabby muscles ore strong ones?  I don't want to hurt more than necessary!  

The arms are healing up pretty well.  The scars are getting a bit bigger but that is normal.  I've started using emu oil, so maybe that will help.  I still don't have full motion because of the tight underarms--and the right one itches--but the surgeon is pleased.  I don't have to go back for a couple of months.  

I still have to watch my eating--and I don't always do as well as I should.  I don't want to get too careless and develop bad habits again.  I need to get some easy summer recipes for the days I don't want to fix anything, and I need to get some energy back.  Otherwise I just watch TV and munch at night.  And that is bad for me all the way around.

It is finally really spring here, so had a full weekend enjoying the weather and running errands.  I have absolutely no spring/summer clothes so went shopping.  It is still a bit strange to be buying misses sizes.  The 12's are a bit snug in the tummy, but I figure that will be taken care of with another 10 pounds and then the tummy tuck.  That should also help with the pant size.  I am still getting used to how I don't fill out the tops like I used to.  I have mixed feeling about it.  One the one hand, it is great not having the huge droupy chest and the sore back and shoulders.  And to be able to not worry about cleavage and things buttoning properly.  But at the same time, now there isn't much definition in the bust and it makes what used to be a small waist in proportion look big.  I went to Victoria's Secrets to look for a bra to take on my trip and was measured as a 38A!  I asked to be a C cup.  Now I am back to the problem of not being able to buy a bra in a store.  The don't carry A cups that size.  I can wear the camies with a shelf bra now (except for show through), but an A cup is pretty small.  It's not like there is much to be done as I wouldn't go with implants, but it was a bit of a shock.  For once I can actually go braless.  

I've developed a solid spot at my left elbow which I think might be blood pooling.  I'll call the surgeon's nurse tomorrow to ask about it.  I've wrapped the elbow to see if that helps.  

I have to say, there is a part of me that blames the fact that I am in Sioux City on the mixed results of the plastic surgery.  I just assume that if I were in a major city the doctors would be better.  I don't know how much of my discontent has to do with the limitations of success due to my own issues (amount of skin/excess that needs removing) and how much is really on the doctor.  I don't want to get too upset as there isn't much that can be done to fix it.  I sure don't want to have another surgery.

Sunday was such a nice day, so I decided to take Spenser to the dog park.  After a bit of chasing the car, foolish me thinks, "I wonder how long the walk around the lake is?"  So off we go.   Over an hour later, I'm exhasted, knees are huring me, and I'm thinking, "never again!"  Man, I thought I'd never get back to my car.  It got my exercise in though.  Spenser, of course, loved it and was actually energized by it.  I was hoping he'd be worn out, but no, he was rare'n to go again.  

Had my follow-up appointment with the plastic surgeon yesterday.  All seems to be going okay.  I don't have to wrap my arms, but I am wearing some elbow wraps to help the swelling there.  I think I will just always have fat elbows.  It is just the consequence of getting as large as I did.  I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that I will never like my legs--very heavy still--and guess I'll just add the elbows to the list.  

Even though the ps didn't make all look wonderful, I am still happy with the improvement.  I am getting used to being small chested and my clothes looking different on me.  I still have some discomfort, but it is okay.  I need to work on improving my range of motion and stretching the underarm skin.  That is a bit scary, but the ps wants me to have full range by the next visit in three weeks.  I am just lifting my arms several times a day to work up to full extension.  

I think I'm going to need to get a cheap bra for the conference at the end of the month.  The one the doctor gave me comes up very high under the arms and irrates things.  The breasts still aren't shaped the same--the right one is rounder at the top--but I don't know if there is anything to be done about it.  Actually, I like the shape of it better than the left, but it would be nice if they were the same.  I will see if it matters when it comes to a bra.  

I did take another day off this week because of being so tired.  I get bored and home and so go to work, but then I wear myself out!  And I'm sure it didn't help to be having my period at the same time.  

I need to start getting back on track and limiting my carbs as I have my 18 month aniversary coming up in May.  I want to be at my goal by then.  And I have my tummy tuck consultation.  I know I will always have to watch what I eat, but I am ready for the surgery aspects to be done with.  But after this breast reduction, I really need the tummy tuck.  I look so hippy and my gut pooches out too far.  I don't look forward to the pain--I hear it is worse than the breasts and arms since it involves muscle.  

It has been awhile since my last post.  I had my first plastic surgery last Wednesday, Feb. 28th.  Everything went well.  They had to do the IV in my neck--yuck--since both arms were being worked on.  Fortunately, they put me out first.  I don't know how well I would have done with someone coming at me neck with a needle!

The combined surgeries only took three and a half hours rather than the projected five and a half.  He took about 1.5 off the arms.  They are still large, but I measured a 3 inch difference.  They are so much better than before even if they are still loose and flabby.  The arm pits hurt the most, but I am very happy with how high up they are now.  It looks like I won't ever have to shave my "pits" again as they took the hairy patch of skin!  

I'm trying to get used to having small breasts.  They just look so different.  They look more like the way breast do on Greek statues than they ever have on me.  I am pleased with the results, but it is very different.  I am so glad I never have to wear the "harness" bra again.  I can't wait until I can go swimming again to see how a swimsuit fits.  And for the first time in a very long time, they look forward instead of at my toes!  I was doing something this morning and realized that I didn't have my shelf anymore.  Just losts of little things to adjust to.

I came back to work today for a half day just to see how things work.  It's a bit early, but I was going crazy stuck at home.  I just can't spend all day cooped up.  My arms hurt the most--the pits especially--but the breast part isn't bad at all.  The arms swell more, so I think that might be the problem.  

I started gently exercising on Wednesday--low resistance--and that seems to help.  I have another 14 pounds I want to lose to reach goal.  I'd like to get it off by May 15th--my 18 month mark.  I went ahead and made a consultation appointment for the tummy tuck.  I don't know how long I will need to wait between plastic surgeries or when I want to schedule it (depending on recovery time), or even if insurance will pay for it (I think they will).  But it is right at my goal date, so that just reinforces the need to stay on track and reach goal.  Having the breasts done really emphasizes the need for the tummy tuck.  So I figured I might as well get the process going.  I'd like to be able to have it done early July, so I can be fully recovered for the start of a new school year.  and I look forward to having the whole process over.

398/184/170

I will be mailing off my check for the "wings removal" this afternoon.  I hated seeing that much money come out of my savings, but I know I will be glad to have it done.  I tried on a couple of knit tops I have waiting to be the right fit.  I know I could only wear them post surgery even though they fit elsewhere.  

I'm focusing more on the logistics of getting ready--what I'll need to take, who I need to have contact information for, what to have handy for the first week of recovery, etc.  I want to get the house cleaned decently before as I know I will not be interested in cleaning for awhile!  As if I were ever interested in cleaning.  I have a couple of knitting projects to work on--although I might splurge and get yarn for just one more! 

I don't know how limited my arms will be, so I'm concerned about feeding the dog.  I can't trust him to not get into it if I leave it on the counter.  He loves his food and has less control than me at my worse!  

I'm a bit stumped about how it will all look when said and done.  I've always been big busted so don't know how I will feel being a C cup.  I don't really know how much difference it will make in my dressed look.  Will I still "stick out" as far but not be so wide?  What shape will I be?  I know some of this can't be answered; and I do trust my surgeon to do a good job.  It is just strange to have visible parts of my body wacked off. 

I keep looking at my arms and bust trying to imagine how it will be different and trying to stay reasonable.  But just 12 more days before this surgery.  And then it will be on to the tummy tuck!

I had my pre-op check with my PCP yesterday, so all is okay for the surgery.  I was worried about the spot on my arm and hip being a problem, but he said it wouldn't be.  Hopefully they will be healed by the 28th.  (I developed a quarter size spot that the dermatologist can't quite figure out.  It acts like a fungus but doesn't seem to be one when he looked under the microscope.  He said it might be a reaction to the colace stool softener and that I can try going without it for a while and then getting back on it to see what happens.  I haven't done so yet as I would rather have the red spots than be constipated!)

I am looking forward to the surgery, to begin getting my body back into a normal shape.  I so look forward to not struggling with bras and swimsuits.  I literally wore out my last suit.  The pool chlorine got to it.  I want'ed it to last just two weeks more to right before surgery, but after the last washing, I could tell it was just gone.  I did managed to find a clearance suit online, so maybe it will be here for the weekend.  I won't be able to swim for at least 6 weeks post surgery, so I wan't to get in as many days as I can.  

I haven't lost much this past month but I know why.  I have been eating sugar and carbs and not exercising.  Duh.  But I am encouraged that when I do make the good choices, I still lose.  I had gained a few pounds, but got those off in just a few days.  I just need to make it until spring when I have more energy and enthusiasm.  Spring is always a great time to diet.  And I need to stay away from sweets!  They do just make me want to eat more.  

I saw a job posting that I think I will apply for.  For once I don't feel like my weight will be a hinderance.  Now they won't hire me for all the right reasons!  I am so eager to get these two plastic surgeries done and be at a size that I can maintain.  I've never been able to buy clothes "for the long haul" and I want to get some nice things.  I have my eye on a great blouse that is simply too expensive to not get in a size I'll wear a long time.  My goal is a size 10 but I'll setting for a size 12.  I just find more size 10 items on sale!