sallyj

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I was a bit disappointed when I weighed this morning—up almost a pound and a half.  And I’ve been making good choices and exercising.  But I figure it is just my body adjusting to the big jump the previous week.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it is the long-run that counts and that the body simply doesn’t respond in predictable ways.  It’s a bit like the weather!  That’s the thing so frustrating about the “calories in, calories out” mentality.  That works in the long run for most, but maybe not day to day. 

 

I did spend a good deal of the day at the mall yesterday—something I couldn’t have done last year.  I can now even park wherever I happen to get a spot rather than have to be close to the door.  My knees and back still wear out after a while, but it is so much better.  I have everything purchased for my Christmas visit and wrapped—now I just need to get them mailed.  It will be so good to be able to get on a plane without feeling ashamed.  I’m still over 200 pounds—don’t think I’ll break that barrier by Christmas—but it is nothing like the last time I flew.  It will be great being able to get the seatbelt around me without asking for an extension.  I will need to plan ahead for my liquids and meals.  I worry less about the meals than the water.  I don’t want to have to go to the bathroom all the time! 

 

I sent pictures to P. Brenda of the changes.  I hesitated to do so in part because I wanted it to be a big surprise.  And then I figured it would still be a surprise.  Beth asked me how I was losing the weight, but I haven’t answered her yet.  I don’t have any problems with telling her, I just don’t know if I want to do it by mail or in person. 

 

I have either gotten rid of or will soon be getting rid of all my clothes except my current size.  I started thinking about hanging on to these.  I don’t know what size to hold on to in case of “rebounding.”  I don’t want to stay this size, but if I do it wouldn’t be the worst thing.  But I don’t want to get any larger, that’s for sure.  I guess I wonder about the psychological “okay” implied by having the 16/18s.  I’ve got some really nice pieces that I don’t think I’m all that ready to get rid of. 

I was pleasantly surprised Sunday when I weighed as I was down almost 8 pounds!  I really started paying attention again to my protein, calories, and exercise in anticipation of the plastic surgery.  I know that number won’t continue, but it was good to see that I could still have a good difference.  I’d love to lose the next 7 pounds before Christmas so I can be under 200 for my visit.  I still struggle to find pants to fit properly but finally found some at Sears.  They are a bit old granny style—stretch poly/rayon—but they fit and are dressy enough for work.  And they are a 16WP.  Only had to hem them up one hem.  I’d love to get a pair of nice lined wool pants for the holidays, but I can’t see paying $128 for a pair that I’ll only wear a few months. 

 

I said I’d model for Catherine’s Saturday, but this looks like it will be the last time.  I had a terrible time finding tops small enough!  It used to be that I couldn’t find any big enough.  I did find a pair of jeans—and I don’t even have to hem them.  It is so lovely being able to say goodbye to the plus size stores.  It is so odd to be looking for the smallest size in any store.  I have to go for the largest size in department stores, but at least it is in a department store.  But I don’t really get that sense of how much smaller my clothes are except in my panties.  I am still shocked every time I see those.  I kept one pair of pants for my comparison pants, but I haven’t pulled them out.  I’ll wait until the support group “parade of pants” at the Christmas party. 

 

I’ve been thinking about not updating my profile on OH since they changed the format.  But I really appreciated when others—especially the SMO—had their information.  It was encouraging, so I probably will.  It just takes more effort than I want to give it right now.  

 

I’m off to my last behavioral group meeting.  It will be nice to have the requirement met, but I’m sorry that they are only available for the first year.  I suspect there will be times in the coming year—dealing with plastic surgery and maintenance—that it would be nice to have that small group.  But there is always the hospital’s support group.  Which I need to get busy working on my presentation for next week!  I’ve got a start going, but I want to have more handouts ready.   

Had my final post-surgery check-up. And this time it was even with Dr. Rizk. Everything looks good except I am a hair low on the protein. So I need to pay a bit more attention to that. He was pleased with the results, so we actually spent more time talking about plastic surgery. He gave me the name of a plastic surgeon for the breast reduction—I think it’s the same guy as who did Rachel’s—but he is out of the office due to his cancer. So I made an appointment with an associate. I’ll begin that process come January. I’d like to get the reduction and arms done in spring and then proceed with the tummy tuck in summer. Dr. Rizk said I could go ahead with the reduction even before reaching my goal weight, but the tummy tuck would need to be after I’d reached goal. I’d probably have him do it. I’ve heard good things about his work, and he strikes me as the kind of man who would be meticulous about being great at his job. This is all rather weird to me. I can’t really wrap my head around all the changes. But it does help me re-focus on my goals. I want to be closer to goal for the tummy tuck. Dr. Rizk said it could be about 10 pounds off just for the tummy. And then I have to figure out if I want a belly button or not! He does think there’s a good chance the insurance will pay for it since I have lost so much. He has the letter and such. So I’d like to start that process in May. But I have to be at least below 200 and closer to 170. Man, if they could take 10 pounds off the tummy, that would put me into a 16 even now. So if I can lose even 25 more pounds, that would put me at 180. And that doesn’t include the breast and arm reduction. I’ll probably have to take money from my 401K (need to look into that) to pay my part. I’m sure the arms I’ll have to pay for in full, but I hope to get the insurance to pay for the breast and tummy.

I haven’t had a great month so far in regards to weight-loss, but it’s been my own doing.  I’ve not been strict with myself and have been eating a lot more, more variety, worse choices, and with less control.  I even finally tried sugar and there was no dumping.  I feel pretty free to eat anything without fear of it coming up or doing me harm, which is a good thing.  But now it is back to making use of the tool to make good choices.  I know I can always fall back on the fact that I don’t need to eat something—I am just choosing to.  Because I know how little I really do need.  I need to get the focus back on protein because I do still fill up very quickly.  And I need to get back in gear with the exercise.  I did really well at the conference early this month—even worked out there—but I haven’t been getting the swimming in.  And my sleeping pattern is changing, so it is more difficult to get up in the morning to bike.  I need to make that a priority again.  Stress at work is making it tough to fall asleep quickly, so I am too tired to get up at 5:00.  Unless, of course, it is my day off and then I’m ready for the world at the crack of dawn! 

 

So while I have been a bit disappointed in myself the last few weeks, I also have to admit that I’m feeling pretty good as well.  I hit my one year mark on Wednesday.  I am now down 184 pounds and 71% of my excess weight.  I feel so much better and can actually function like a normal—if overweight—human.  I am more comfortable doing things and less fearful of not being able to do things.  Every time I fit into a booth or new chair, it is still wonderful.  I am still at a weird place size-wise—too small for most women’s but too big for most misses—so I can’t just go into any store knowing I’ll be able to fit into things, but I am getting there.  I don’t think the weight loss has changed me that much other than more confidence to try some things and not so tired and hurting all the time.  I probably do have more of a spring in my step, but the same old insecurities are still there.  I guess this next year is a time to focus on those!  I guess first off I need to figure out which ones I’m okay with and which ones get me into trouble.

 

I do need to get back to knitting more as a way to combat the boredom.  That and working around the house.  I am so used to thinking I won’t be able to do something that I don’t even try.  I know I could get more done around the house.  It was just a year ago that I could barely wash the dishes because I hurt so much.  Now I can do the dishes—I just don’t want to!

I still want to get down to 168 and a size 12.  So I need to refocus on that.  But my blood pressure is good (110/64), my cholesterol is low (140), and all my blood work seems good.  And I think I’ve even figured out the number of stool softeners to avoid constipation! 

 

I am thinking more and more about a breast reduction.  I think I’ll start looking into that for summer.  I am so tired of my back always hurting and not being able to sit up straight by the end of the day.  Even travel is tough on me because they compress my sides when sitting. 

 

I’ve bought a turkey for thanksgiving—just a small 7 pound one—but it should feed me forever!  That is if I can keep it moist.  This has been a great year and I’m thankful for it.  This has been so wonderful for me.  I wish I could have done it earlier in my life, but now at least, I feel like I can face getting older a bit better.  Now it won’t take a crew of seven just to get me in and out of bed!

I made my yearly appointment and have found that I am not so embarrassed about the whole thing.  Not to say I like the exams, but I just feel more normal about myself that I don’t have that same shame and dread.  I guess knowing that others have already seen my stark naked at my worst makes it a bit easier.  My blood pressure was good 111 over 64 and I suspect my lab work will be fine.  I did ask for a cholesterol check since I am eating more red meat and eggs.  In two weeks I’ll go for my last check up with Rizk and get the lab results.  Then it will be just yearly visits with him.  I did go ahead and schedule a mammogram, so maybe that will be better as well. 

 

I tried some misses sizes on this weekend and still can’t get into the Ralph Lauren pants.  My legs are such a pain because of their size.  But then I could wear the size 16 in McNaughton pants.  And I could just fit the Ralph Lauren jackets—I don’t remember if they were 16 or 18s.  So it will probably be the first of the year before I can actually count on fitting a misses size.  I am at the point where I used to tell others you either have to lose weight or gain weight because of being between sizes.  And it is easier to gain the weight!  Boy was I right, but I understand the drive to not do what is easy and get down to the misses sizes. 

 

I’m already making plans for the AIRUM conference and what to take.  I’m going to go to the Mall of America with plans to try on clothes and get brands and cuts that I can wear.  Then I’ll be able to order them online in the sizes I need.  They have a Neiman Marcus there, and I like there stuff so it will be good to see it in person.  I just hope I don’t wear out too quickly.  I plan on taking my swimsuit and some workout clothes to make use of the pool and gym.  I want to lose weight this week not gain or even just maintain.  I did good this week and know the period week is coming soon, so need to stay on top of things.  My goal for the one year date is 213—that would put me at losing 185 lbs. 

 

398/216/170

Well I didn’t exercise today—first time this week—but I was just so tired.  I’m beginning to think I need to go to bed even earlier!  I’m going to be one of those old ladies who is in bed at 8:00 before I know it.  I decided not to eat my normal afternoon protein bar as it is about the same amount of calories as I burn off when exercising. 

 

I had a board presentation today, which was of early for—as usual.  In the lounge area there are some of those high tables and chairs that I have never been able to sit in.  I remember one time I tried sitting in one and kept sliding out because I was too big to get far enough back.  I hated it, so I’ve never sat in them since.  But I was tempted to give these a try since no one was around.  And not only could I get up into it, but I fit!  I could actually sit in one.  And the discomfort had nothing to do with my weight but with the construction of the chair.  Just another little fun moment.

Last week I did not exercise much nor did I eat correctly, so of course I gained weight.  I was back up a pound.  There is a part of me that “justifies” being sloppy one week a month because of my period.  I simply cannot allow that.  So Sunday I was back on track and as of this morning am at 217.8.  Doing what I should does make a difference!  I have my annual general doctor visit this Friday, so I want to stay at least at 218.  (I know there can be daily fluctuations.)  That would put me at 180 pounds lost.  I really want to make below 200 by New Years, so I need to keep on track—including my period week. 

 

I think this was the first week when I really paid attention to how different I feel when I exercise.  I actually do feel better and have more energy.  It’s a bit of the “chicken and the egg” thing—the tiredness from the period makes me not want to exercise and then the lack of exercise keeps me tired!  So to solve the problem, what do I do to not feel so tired that I can’t exercise?  This is when I wish there was a pill for energy and appetite control. 

 

I drove down to Whole Foods in Omaha on Sunday and was actually a bit disappointed.  They didn’t have much in the way of fish.  I’ve actually had more choices here at Hy-Vee.  I did pick up some fresh figs though—such a rare treat for me.  They also had some bison chili which I tried—nice and thick.  The only problem with prepared food is that I never know the calorie count.  I did get a variety of chicken sausages to add to soups and such.  I don’t know how fatty they are—I’ll have to see when I cook one up.  I added some turkey Italian sausage to my vegetable soup, but they were blander than I expected. 

 

I haven’t lost enough to really need a new size, but I am heading there.  My pants are getting a bit baggy and the ones that were tight are now loose enough to wear without the body shaper.  And I’m even able to wear the sweaters I’ve made.  Which makes me hesitate to start any more sweaters until I know what size to make.  

It's not my best week, but I am beginning to better understand how my body behaves because of my periods.  I get these cravings for carbs--crunchy and salty, preferably--and sweets--such as ice cream.  That goes on for a day or two before the period.  And exercising is out--both no motivation and no energy.  Then the period and once that is over, things are back to normal.  So for now I have about one week a month that is a total write-off.  I should sit down and figure out the healthier options for these days.  Although, I will say that even on my worst days, it is nowhere near like it used to be.  Yesterday I brought a frozen South Beach pizza to work for lunch and managed to eat only half of it.  Before I could eat two or three Totino pizza's in a night--and munch on chips, etc. while they were baking!  So, I need to find out ways to satisfy what the body wants while not sabatoging myself.

 

I think I am beginning to understand the disease aspect of obesity as well.  I know that behavior will always play a key role, so this isn't to discount individual actions at all.  But I'm beginning to see that it is how the body processes the food, the metabolism, the ability to feel satisfied, the effeciency of making fat cells and storing fat, etc. that has nothing to do with choice but is a biological function.  So two people might have the same behavior and one will become obese but the otherone won't.  This isn't to excuse the multiple pizzas, but to understand why the need for constant vigilance and attention to what I eat.  And why diets don't work. 

 

I think I am now about where I was in size that I was in high school.  I am in the 16/18 women sizes while being able to wear some misses extra larges.  I felt so huge in high school, like there was nothing in a store I could buy.  Then I discovered the women's department at Joskey's.  But my mother always made me feel like there was simply no hope for someone as huge as I was.  Now, I am so excited to be merely this big!  I still have trouble finding clothes that fit because of being in between the misses and the womens.  But I am confident that I will get smaller.  Boy the difference that hope makes over dispair. 

 

398/219/170

Nothing new in the weight-loss area (haven't weighed since Sunday) but did want to note that yesterday was my birthday.  I celebrated by going to the dentist!  That got me out of work early so I could get in a quick swim as well.  And no birthday cake for me.  My treat was--ta da--protein!  I fixed some beef tenderloin.  I thought about getting a sugar-free cake like Weight Watchers, but then I'd have all the extra servings around and that would be too tempting.  I'm still finding I need to be ever vigilent about eating at night.  It is way too ingrained in me to want to munch.  So I am staying later at work so I have less time to be tempted! 

 

But I feel good and like I am relatively normal if still obese.  Yesterday when swimming, it dawn on me that soon I would be in the 200 teens.  For some reason, 218 just sounds so much more exciting than even 220.  Now if I can carry that excitement with me into action (or eating non-action).  I already put off dinner until around 7:00 but maybe I should aim for 8:00 instead? 

 

The weather is starting to get colder, like I'm not already cold enough.  I want my coat to be a bit looser before I wear it, so I'm hoping the cold front will move through quickly and then the next one be slow to come in.  I just can't afford another in-between coat.  I have a bunch of clothes I need to get rid of but don't have the time to mess with trying to sell them.  But it would be great to have some extra money for the new clothes.  I'm trying to make it through with nothing new until at least Nov.  I'm going up to Bloomington, MN for a conference and will stay some extra time to go to the Mall of America.  I can't believe I would ever even think of going to a mall that big.  I don't really like walking around that much--hard on the knees--but there are shops there I can try clothes on to get a sense of what brands fit my body.  Then as I lose weight, I can order on line what I need.  I also look forward to taking a bath at the hotel--instead of my usual shower.  I've got my bath fizzie all ready to go!  I am going to soak and soak and soak and waste a lot of hot water. 

I was pleased yesterday to see that I had lost almost 3 1/2 pounds last week.  I was worried that I was hitting a stall.  But the good loss did reinforce that my poor loss the previous week was tied to my eating more and exercising less.  So while it is a mixed blessing, I do know that my own actions are still making a difference.  So back on the exercise routine!  I'm aiming for 30 min. of biking every weekday morning and then an hour of swimming twice a week.  I'm waiting to see how my motivation will be when it gets really cold out and the weather gets bad.  I can easily become a hermit in winter, getting out only for work and if I absolutely have to.

 

I am still struggling to lose weight in my legs--they still look like over-stuffed sausages.  I am down to a 14W/16W in the top, but an 18W/20W in the pants.  I know part of the problem is just my body build--I carry a lot of weight in my legs.  But when I go to my PCP later this month, I think I'll ask if it might be anything more.  I'm having my cholesteral checked at the same time I'm doing the regular bloodwork because I've started eating so many more eggs and shrimp.  Even the amount of red meat I eat has gone up.  But I am still getting in a lot of fish to counter-balance it all. 

 

Just five more weeks until the 1 year mark--hard to believe.  I won't be down below 200, but maybe by the first of the year.  It is so thrilling to think that I am just 52 pounds away from goal.  And even less than 100 poiunds away from the chart weight (which is NOT my goal--I'll never be that small).  I know that I will have to be increasingly aggressive about food intake and exercise as I get closer, but I don't know how that will work out.  I still have days when I can't eat everything I plan, but then I also have days when all I want to do is munch.  But at this point, it is just one day at a time, and I'll figure it out as I go.

 

And tomorrow is my birthday.  I don't think I've been this size since I was in highschool.  Nice birthday present to myself!

 

398/222/170