Sarakakamommy

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So I had to go to the store today and I walked out with my hair in a pony tail and a tshirt I bought at Target YEARS ago that has shrunk and gotten shorter and a pair of pants that while they fit me well and are stylish reveal that after four kids my tummy has headed south.  After the second kid I already needed a tummy tuck as I had been pretty average to thin and very young when I started having kids.  My best accessories are my well dressed beautiful children.  Except all my kids are very thin/small/short so I bet people think I eat all the food in the house and that's why they're that way.  (kidding) 

I can only go out these days like this because a) putting a lot of effort forth just doesn't make me feel any better at this point b) I'm on the brink of a life changing event and won't it be funny when even the people at Starbucks don't recognize me in a few months??  Let alone friends and family??

I am physically and emotionally uncomfortable.  I have to nap with my 3 yr old because I can't keep the cpap on all night and end up tossing and turning with it on anyway so I am not getting proper sleep.  My belly and boobs are annoying me.  My belly hangs on me.  I will get up the nerve to take pics but my head and heart won't let me post them until I know I have a surgery date.  I need to lose almost 150 lbs...can I do it?

Surprise, surprise right?  I can't seem to bring myself to post the "whole scoop" on Sarah.  I look at other peoples profiles and am more interested in befriending those with stories and info but I can't seem to show the same courtesy?  It is so painful for me to look at these pics that I've reluctantly allowed others to take.  Honestly, I've only given in with the pics because I'm in the saying goodbye to the old me phase.  I'm telling you, if I wasn't preparing for this journey I would be in tears quite a bit lately.  Just sitting here in the pants I'm wearing with my belly being squeezed and pushed up over the waist band.  It's hard to breathe!  Then my boobs are up higher and I feel like I'm suffocating.  Speaking of which, I do have rather severe sleep apnea and just can't get through the night wearing that dreaded Cpap machine.  So then I end up napping with my little one just so I can make it through to dinner time without falling apart from lack of sleep.  It's all rather difficult to put down in words but this seems to be a supportive place.  I'm sure I'm not the only one with a sad story and a depressed mood.  At least here I don't have to put on a smile and use my humor to overcome being fat, and therefore, a "less worthy" member of society.  Do any of you find that as the pounds have piled on you avoid making eye contact in public?  Someone attractive walks towards you and you just can't bear knowing that they're thinking less of you because of what you look like on the outside?  More on that later, I have a whole anecdote of a situation that really opened my eyes...at least now I've put some thoughts down for you to get an idea of who I am and my struggles.