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I am .3 pounds away from goal as of this morning... that is soooooo damned daunting!!! ugh. Even made sure to use the bathroom before I weighed in.. lol   I want to be BELOW 200... but let me tell you, when I weighed myself this morning and saw it say 200.2, I was thrilled! Well, as thrilled as anyone could be at 6am before they have their coffee. With luck, I will have reached my goal by tomorrow.
As for my life, it's... well... ok, I guess. Stressed beyond belief. But the way I see it, everyone has problems. It's all in how we handle them. I am doing my best to handle them gracefully... and failing miserably! lol I am so angry all the time these days. And being angry is pissing me off!!!  I should be walking around with a perma-grin on my face! For the first time in my adult life, I am HEALTHY!!! I am eating right. Exercising. Taking my vitamins, getting in my protein and liquids, and losing the weight I need to lose. I have had so many people tell me how good I am doing... so why am I angry instead of doing cartwheels and skipping down the hall? I. Don't. Know.

I see a therapist. He is one of the best therapists I have ever had. My husband is very depressed. He is an emotional void... numb all the time and the only emotion he is able to show is anger. He has pulled away from me emotionally, physically, and mentally. My therapist (have I mentioned he is the best I ever had???) is of a mind that the reason I am so angry and upset is I am "catching" his moods. Like a sickness. He believes that moods are contageous. And my husband's making me "sick". Sigh. I don't know what to do. I have been dealing with my husband's drastic On-again/Off-again depression for close to a decade. It's hard to have him want to be with me one day and ignoring my exisistance the next. Even tho I am aware that it's all part of the depression, it doesn't make it easy to deal with. He doesn't understand that dealing with it day in and day out takes a toll on me. He was on an "up" for almost a year and a half!! It felt great! and shortly after I had my surgery, CRASH! He's been in a depressive funk since. I thought it was because of my weight loss. I hear plenty of people who say their SO freak out when they see them suceed. But in all honesty, he's been supportive! He claims his depression is linked to his back pain and his work. So I have dealt with it as long as he was seeking help. He'd be next to me on the couch, gloomy and depressed. the phone would ring and it would be some girl he knew in highschool and all of a sudden he was smiles and happy. As soon as he hung up, back to being mopey with me. It was depressing. No matter what I did or what I said, he never cheered up. Everyone else he talked to got "Happy Him"... I got nothing but shit. Sigh. Ugh.

Anyway, I will check in again soon.
Much Love!
-CC

Hello to 2 people who read my blog! How y'all doin'?
Well, things have been interesting. Well, from my point of view, anyway! Life is stressful. Things are crazy, like always. The past couple of months have been a roller coaster of highs and lows. I just feel like there are times when I am ready to give up and other times I am ready to fight for what I believe in. Either course makes me unhappy. You have no idea how I long for nive, even-keeled days of no emotional flucuations! You calm and happy days. Do those kind of days even exist??? lol
Well, for me, it seems like they don't. I get so damned frustrated with the fact that I should be happy! I am in the best shape of my adult life. I have made major changes to improve myself physically. I feel fantastic! I have energy. I have stamina. I can go up a flight of stairs carrying furniture and boxes and not be winded or in pain. All the things that made me miserable before I feel triumphant to succeed in now! I can't believe how different I feel about the things I have to do now that I can do them without pain! Hormonally, I have calmed down tremendously! I am able to react logically to the things that happen now. I was so emotionally driven before that no matter what happened, I reacted severely to some degree. I felt it and knew it was wrong, but it was out of my control. It took a lot for me to reign in my emotions and work my way through everything that was going on. I don't feel so out of control anymore. The only difference in me now, emotionally anyway, is that I defend myself more than I did before. I believe it's because I am doing good and I have gained respect for myself that I didn't have before. No where near perfection, but at least now it takes a lot more for me to see myself as worthless. I always felt like a failure before. Now I see that I can succeed. If I can do this and make it work, I can do anything.
I know, This is kind of a vague blog with no details as to why I wrote it. Whay can I say? The details would bore you anyway and I really don't want to think about them... sigh. But I will be fine in time and all is going to be well, one way or the other.
Oh, and as for my weight loss... I am 119 down as of this morning... 28 pounds to go till goal!!!
Love you all!
-CC

Yeah. It's a stupid title. What can I say, I'm stupid like that.
Anyway, as of today, I am 110 pounds down. I am wearing a size 18, which I haven't done since my senior year in highschool and I feel fantastic! Since my weight loss isn't as rapid, it feels like my hormones aren't raging as drastically as before. I am still losing inches, even if I am not losing weight. I was at a stall for 3 weeks (couldn't seem to get below 240) but I started losing again on Monday. I am now down to 235. I went down to the cafe for my morning decafe and the woman who is at the register told me I look fantastic. Another woman who I work with but rarely see came over and said I looked great too. Then they asked me the dreaded "...but how do you FEEL?!?!?" Looking better is great, but how you feel is what really matters. The past 6 months have been a roller coaster! I have had no regrets regarding my surgery. I love that I did this and feel like I made the right choice for me. I feel good! I mean REALLY good! Over the past 6 months I couldn't honestly say that. Yes, I was happy with my weight loss and feel like I am being successful. But can I say that I was happy? No, I can't. My hormones were driving me crazy. All I wanted was sex and my husband couldn't provide enough. I can really see why some marriages end after this surgery. I was (and am) getting attention from people who wouldn't give me the time of day before. My husband is afraid I am going to leave him because he can't do for me what I need him to do. And now that I am losing weight, he is more afraid that I will find someone who can. It's no wonder that a large percentage of marriages end. Do I plan to leave my husband? Hell No. Am I going to give in to the advances of the other people? Hell FUCKING No. If you didn't want me when I weighed 350, why would losing 110 pounds turn you on now? I'm still the same person I was when I was larger. I still have the same wants and desires. I am still ME whether you saw it or not. Just because my outer shell has changed, doesn't mean who I am did. I had people who were interested in me BEFORE the surgery. Just because you notice me now doesn't mean I am gonna drop to my knees and thank the gods. I didn't need you before. I don't need you now. I have my husband. I have my kids. I have my family and a few good friends. I was never the "popular girl" to begin with. I've always been the "loner". I have no desire to be a cheerleader or date the quarterback. I dress how I want to dress. I act how I want to act. I am who I want to be. My husband loves me for it. My kids are amazingly well adjusted despite it. All the rest can bite me. The only new friends I have made are people who have gone through this, same as I have. I have no desire to become popular. I love my life and I love how it's changed since the surgery. I am embracing it. I work, play mom, play wife and go to the gym. I have my hobbies and my music. Family and friends. I have all I need and more than I deserve. I'm happy. Go Fuckin' Figure. I am HAPPY. (Yup, I'm smiling while I type... must look like a complete and utter psycho). I admit, there is a part of me that wonders how long it will last. I don't have the naivity to believe it will be forever. But while I've got it, gonna run with it! Happy happy happy happy...
Anyway, last time I saw my mom (I don't see her often since most of her time is taking cafe of my brother and his issues) she was shocked when she saw me. It had been almost 2 months and I had lost almost 40 pounds. She couldn't believe it. After all the negative things she said regarding the surgery and how when she sees how little I eat it makes her sick, it was nice to get some posativity from her. I have gotten nothing but posative feedback from people. I know a lot of people don't announce their surgery. I practically broadcast it over the PA. Maybe it's just my personality... or the fact that people find me unapproachable... but not a single person has made any negative comments to me (other than my mother, and she stopped when I snapped on her about it). I know a lot of people have had bad experiences with telling people. I am happy I haven't, tho if one was made while my hormones were raging, I would be mroe than happy to rip whom ever it was a new asshole... I had a lot of built up rage and frustration... Thank God for the gym!
Anyway, I should end this here. Sorry this entry is going all over the damn place subject wise. I'm feeling kind of hyper and too many thoughts at once... Overload!!
Later people! As always, LOVE YA
-CC

Ok, so all I have been hearing from people i s"You're doing great... where's the pics?" Sooo... I uploaded some pics. From Surgery day till this month.
So anyway, I had a good weekend! give or take :) The hormones calmed down for a few days. I have noticed that when I am about to get my period, I get really edgy. I never really experienced PMS before so I had NO idea what to look for. I haven't had a normal menstral cycle since I was a teen, and even then, I never had reactions like that! I think the combination of the hormone release stored in the fat I am losing mixed with the normal hormones that occur during that "dreaded" time are overwhelming me... but right after, I feel fantastic. So weird!
So anyway, I went to see my doctor on Weds. They said I am doing great! I am down 98 pounds per their records (They have me as 2 pounds less than I do. I use my highest as my start (345) they have me as what I was before the pre-surgery diet (343). Plus, when I weigh myself at home, I am usually in nothing but bra and panties and it's first thing in the morning. Anyway, they are happy with my progress. They gave me a sheet to get some blood work done and I talked to them about the pain I was having. They said it didn't sound like anything with my pouch. The location where the pain was along with the over-full feeling leads them to believe it may have been a gall bladder issue. They had me lay back and pressed on me to see if there was any pain. When I told them No, they told me to contact them if I feel that kind of pain again. I hope there are no problems with my gall bladder. I am not looking forward to another surgery just yet. I am just getting into a routine and would hate to have any interruptions to it at this point. I just wanna to keep moving along as I am going. I hate when life throws bumps in the road!
Speaking of bumps in the road, my ex-husband got into a car accident today. Freaked everyone out. He fell asleep behind the wheel while driving home with his mother in the car. Totaled his car and everything. Just wasn't a great end to the weekend. He is home tonight and fine... granted, he has a concusion, but he is lucky it wasn't worse! His mother had a cut on her head and that's all, thank God. My sons are handling better than I thought they would. Sometimes, I worry about their ability to handle shit like this. The fact that they NEVER seem rattled makes me feel like they either don't grasp the severity, they don't care, or they care and are holding it all in so the fact that they are upset won't upset us. I am really hoping it's the first or even the second. The 3rd is what leads them into turning into me. And I don't want that!!!
Well, on that note, I am out of here for the night. It's  getting late and I am in the middle of a good book. Thanks for reading and I will wirte again! Go ahead, just you try and stop me.
Yeah. That was stupid. But I'm gonna leave it in. Why? Because I CAN!
ha.
Love ya!
-CC

Sorry, I couldn't think of a good title for the blog so went with lyrics from an Arch Enemy song... seemed fitting...
Well, like I mentioned inmy previous post, it's been a hell of a week. I was in such a bitchy mood! Holy hell! I am lucky to still be married after that! Hubby has been trying his best to put up with me, the same as me putting up with his whining and complaining, but I was close to losing it all this past week! I am not sure if it's becuse mother nature is going to be disturbing my life this week or the rampaging hormones or a combo of both, but I pity anyone who has to deal with me during this part of my life! (That includes you Sharon! You've heard the most of my bitchyness lately!!)
Basically I was just unhappy. No clue why since everything, other than the pouch pain last week, has been going fantastically! I really chock it all up to my hormones at this point. I haven't had a normal cycle since I was 18, so PMS was never an issue. Now I have no idea what happens to me for one week of the month, but I am REALLY hoping that the severety lessens over time... jeez. I even hated me last week. For the first time in YEARS I threw things!!! I haven't had the urge to throw things since my kids were born... and that was part of the hormone drop from a double placenta pregnancy! And even then, I would calm down pretty quick. For the past week to 10 days, I have been and angry, on the rampage bear! Never growled so much in my life!!! Then, all of a sudden last night everything clicked into place and "Happy Christina" showed her face.. I didn't smile or anything because that's just not me, but I sure lightened up a bit!
On a "happier" note, my husband, sons and neighbor's kid made it into the local paper's website for Wallingford's Family Day picnic that we attended on Saturday... Here's the link...

http://record-journal.mycapture.com/mycapture/enlarge.asp?image=31613967&event=1077386&CategoryID=34152

Now, please keep in mind... that pic was taken after a morning at the gym followed by 3 hours at the junk yard looking for a part for my van! Not looking my best, I know!
Tomorrow I go and see my doctor. I will write again then to let y'all know what he says (or should I say his wife, since I haven't seen my dr. sice I left the hospital).
Anyway, I guess my break is over and I should head back to work. Take care all.
Love and sweet protein-shake flavored kisses!
-CC

This week has been one HELL of a week. Tuesday I hurt my pouch. I had taken my vitmains in the morning and I am not sure if one of them twisted the wrong way or what... but when I went to drink my protein shake I started to feel overfull... which doesn't happen normally. All day long, every single thing I ate would fill me in about 2 bites. It felt like something was stuck. Weds came and I didn't have that full feeling anymore, but I felt pain! Everything I ate and drank hurt! It felt like my pouch was spasming really bad. I posted something on here and on one of the yahoo! groups I am a member of and wan't getting much help. I only got 2 responses and one of them was for me to call my doctor. If the full feeling continued, I would have. It hurt like I was binge eating every meal. One other person posted that I should try 24 hours of liquids only. So I did. From Weds night until Friday morning, I did nothing but drink protein shakes, crystal light, water and coffee. It still hurt to drink, but it started hurting less and less. By today, I was able to eat and drink with minimal pain. My stomach wasn't spasming as much and I felt a little better. I still get little pang of pain now and then, especially when I drink. I hope I didn't do any damage. There was no brusing or blood so I think I am ok. I have an appointment with Dr. Valin on Weds, so I will talk to him about it then.
On a happier note, I am over 100 pounds down... and 24 hours of fluids only helped that along.. lol Today I was able to wear a size 20 for the first time in over 2 decades!!! AND I wore a size 1X shirt!!! Everyone kept telling me I looked good! I was amazed!! I still don't see the "looking good" part, but something tells me I am not an impartial judge.
Another happier note is my hair is groowing back nicely... my scalp looks like a little fuzz ball with a few longer hairs here and there. Still not happy with it, but happy it's groowing back, that's for damned sure!!!
My biggest fears right now is the fact that I am past the six month mark. I am so scared that my weight oss is going to slow to a stop before I get where I want to be. I am trying very hard to succeed in this. I watch my carbs, tho I do cheat oon occasion, but I don't let it get out of hand. I take in my protein and fluids and I am at the gym so much I am thinking of having them rename it in my honor.Club Christina sounds good.. I love the progress I made and I know that when my body says it's time to sloow down, it will. I am just not wanting that time to be anytime soon. I am not far enuf yet. Like I said in previous posts, if I stop loosing weight now, so be it. I am still happy with how far i've come, but that doesn't mean I WANT to stop. I feel so good right now because of how well it's going and I can't wait to see how far I can go! I am hoping to be one of those people who has to figure out how to stopo losing weight because they are losing so much! What can I say, if I wanna add problems to my life, it might as well be one that I can honestly say I've never had before!!
Well, on that note, I shall be going. I just got back from the gym and need to make a shake and a cup of coffee so I can take my night-time vits. I hope you're all doing well and I'm praying for you all!!! And that's not just becuse you're my friends either... tho that is a good reason to pray for your souls ;)
Anyway, off I go...
Love ya!
-CC

Breaking News... I am 100 pounds down as of this morning... We now return you to your previously scheduled programming...

Ok, at the start of all this, many goals were set... and many have been met... I can cross my legs, sleep better, sit more comfortably, move the steering wheel down on my van so I can see the spedometer... a nice long list of acheivements. Weight-wise, howeer, I have 3 and a half goals... I say "half" because one of the goals is so close to the other that I don't feel justified in giving it full goal privledges! The first 2 and a half goals are more like milestones... so I will call them goalstones, just because I'm a freakin nutcase. The first goalstone is to be under 300 pounds. I met that goal May 19th! My second goalstone is to get down to 250 pounds... I met that this past Sunday My next goalstone is to lose 100 pounds. This is my mini-goalstone, since the 250 pound mark is 95 pounds lost! Tho 100 pounds is a benchmark to me and exciting, since I just reached the 250 pound goal, I can't give it full credit.. lol My final weight-related goal is to be down to 200 pounds. If I surpass that, great! If I don't, I am not worried. I have made such tremendous progress already! If I stopped losing weight today, I would still be proud of myself! Almost 100 pounds down after 15 years of being close to or over 300 pounds! I feel great. I feel healthy. I have more energy. I have drastically changed my lifestyle and my way of looking at food. To me, I have already won the war. the weight loss is just one battle that continues to go on and on. I never thought I would be able to get where I am right now. I am happy with my choice. If asked if I could go back in time, would I do this again? My answer would be... I would love to go back in time... how about 20 years ago before I fell in love with McDonalds and started this downward spiral??
Anyway, over all, I'm happy. On another posative note.... Last night I took my sons to the open house at their school. Because of the hecticness of the evening, I ordered pizza. I walked to the door when the pizza guy arrived and he said "Wow! You're looking good!" I of course was instantly smiling and graetful... till it hit me later that we order so much pizza that the pizza guy actually noticed the difference... he's there that often to know I was 350 pounds before. I made sure to enlighten him that the salad was for me... lol
Another posative. It looks like my hair loss is slowing down. Thank God. I am even starting to get re-growth! I hope it stays that way!
Ok, I'm off... wish I had more time to blog, but these days I am more on the weight machines than the computer!
Take care all and have a sparkling day!
-Love,
-CC

Well, I don't get to blog as much as I use to. Things have been so hectic and since the surgery, it seems like all my time is taken up with everything I couldn't do before! My home away from home these days has been the gym. I am there almost nightly. I am loosing weight still. Down to 252! 2 more pounds and I reach my second mini-goal of being below 250. Only 52 pounds to my main goal and I am hoping I meet it and then some. But even if I never lost another pound and maintained at 252, I'd be thrilled! After over a decade of being morbidly obese, being close to a hundred pounds lighter feels like I accomplished a miracle... a minor one to most, but life changing to me! So far, my only concerns has been the hairloss. And that is starting to slow down a bit. I upped my vits to help and upped my protein, too. Most days, I am a 2-meal girl. Lunch and dinner. The rest of the day is protein shakes and liquids. I don't really get hungry, tho there are days when I feel like I need to eat. Today for instance. Around 11:30 I started to feel "hungry". It's not like it use to be tho. I don't feel my stomach growl or anything like that. I just know it's time to eat something. I had some pastrami and a Pure Protein bar. Tonight I am going to forego the gym so I can spend some time with my husband. We're just going to go shopping and hang out for the night. Tomorrow we are considering going to the fair. It'll be fun. Since he works 3rd shift, I don't get to spend as much time with him as I would like. So when I have the chance, I take it. Lucky for me, he is a late sleeper and I can go to the gym in the morning on the weekends! lol. Since all this started, I can't seem to get enough of the gym. On the nights I take off for one reason or another, I feel like crap! I actaully get upset with myself for not going! I guess that's a good thing! LOL
Things with my family have calmed down for the time being. My parents still have my van and hubby and I are sharing the truck, which is a hassle. Especially since I am always out and about for one reason or another and the truck uses a LOT of gas. I can't wait to get my van back! I miss having a vehicle that doesn't take a 1/4 of a tank of gas just to accelerate from a complete stop! My brother has been trying to stay straight and is on a methadone program, which is why I let my mother borrow the van. It was that, or have them calling me for rides when his "friends" fail to pick him up. It's a hassle not having my van, true, but I think it would be MORE of a hassle if I did at this point. I told my mother I will need it back soon. the kids start school on Tuesday and I've been without it an entire summer! I miss being able to go to work at 6 and gt out a little earlier. Now I have to wait or hubby to get back from work! If he has a meeting in the morning, that may not be till 8:30! I hate working late! Especially in the summer time when all I wanna do is be outside...
So anyway, things are going good! I feel fantastic hysically and my hormones are calming down I think so mentally I am starting to level out... much to my hubby's happiness, I assure you!
Have a sparkling day, mi amigas y amigos!
-CC

Well, I am in a major stall... I and fluctuating between 266 and 268 and have not budged in almost 2 weeks. I know it will pass, but it is just so FRUSTRATING waiting for it to happen. I am so close to the 80 pound mark, damnit!! Oh well. Patience has always been my speciality. I will try really hard to practice it now, stay posative, and just wait it out...
My hair loss has gotten me freaked out. And on top of all that I am hormonal as all hell! My mood swings have been wicked! And not that good kinda wicked, either! One minute I'm happy, the next I'm angry, tears, scowls... cripe, I feel like I'm going thru menopause! The only thing missing is the hot flashes! My poor husband and kids... jeesh.
Anyway, I am down 4 pants sizes! Went to the thrift store and bought some smaller pants and also got some from FreeCycle, which was cool. Not many things that are my style (a lot of business casual stuff,... I am more the grundge/rocker/jeans and T-shirts kinda chic) But it gives me something to work with... Tho turtle-necks? Really? On ME??? Never!
My husband has been going thru a lot of stuff between work and physical pain he's been in since he hurt his back. I am not sure what's gonna happen with him since he can barely move and is still working regardless. Not to mention all of this has been stressing him out and putting him is a depressive state. That isn't going to be fun to deal with.. but I will try and be as supportive as possable.

On that note, time for me to go since lunch is just about over... Hope you are all doing well!
Love ya,
-CC