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I'm super sad today. 

The past few weeks my knee has been hurting SO BAD. My general practitioner thought I tore my miniscus. Made an emergency appointment to the orthopedic surgeon because I could barely walk.

Well, it wasn't my miniscus. I have bad arthritis in my knees and the bones are hitting each other causing immense pain. I'm only 33.

He gave me a cortizone shot which has helped, but he said the only remedy is weight loss. A LOT of weight loss.

He said this was my wake up call.

The problem is my therapist will never support my decision to get WLS. She has helped me SO much in battling my ED and to curb my binge eating to a sub clinical level.

I don't think she agrees it is a valid option for anyone.

But becoming immobile due to my obesity is my GREATEST FEAR, and i'm staring at it dead in the face.

In order to restart my journey to WLS (already done a lot of the requirements,) my therapist has to write a letter proving my readiness for surgery.

I don't know how to broach this when we meet on Thursday. This operation could save my life. I just don't know how to proceed.

Here I am again. I put WLS totally out of my mind and worked hard with my therapist and dietician the past 6 months. I’m no longer binging. Now I am delving into body image work. 

However. 

I saw a dermatologist yesterday for a scalp condition and a neck rash. She said the rash was  a sign my sugars may be high and I might be diabetic. So that scared the SHIT out of me. It made me revisit WLS again. 

After my psych eval they told me to wait at least six months before pursuing WLS again so I could work on the eating disorder. I have done that. Honestly, I thought I’d never reconsider it. I want to be happy in my body and accept myself 

BUT that’s hard when you’re 400+ pounds. My knees hurt. The soles of my feet hurt. I’m wondering if I need to think about pursuing this again. I was pretty far along in the process and had done an endoscopy and other testing. 

The extremely limited diet makes me nervous. I’m not sure what to do ????

Hello,

I'm kind of in a spot I did not imagine occurring. To clarify, I have not had WLS yet. Currently 430 lbs.

In February '17 I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder. I did an 8 week IOP program and continue to see a dietican and therapist at the center. At first I had success... I followed the meal plan, I could feel myself dropping some weight, and felt pretty good about myself.  I found what I learned about myself and BED very valuable, lessons I hope to employ for a lifetime.

In June I had to see my OBGYN for an RX refill for my birth control. Without birth control, I don't have periods. She stated I really needed to focus on getting my weight down, that I was young (32) and should pursue weight loss surgery.

So I began working with OhioHealth in the hopes of getting RNY. I have been contemplating WLS on and off for YEARS.

The past month or two my depression has worsened greatly and I have had a very hard time following the meal plan. I hadn't discussed my desire to get WLS with my dietician or therapist much, but on Thursday I did. They were not supportive of that decision. I'm not sure if it is because they think no one should have WLS, or if it is because I have been having difficulty complying with the dietary plan lately.

I truly believe that my depression and eating are so tightly wound together... I believe in my heart that having WLS and seeing true results will be the motivation I need to quit depending on food for comfort. A few years ago I lost over 100 lbs with diet and exercise alone... Only to regain it back and feel horrible about myself all over again.

I see my therapist again on Monday. I am going to ask if she will support my decision if I can comply with the meal plan up until my surgery. She believes in health at any size, but I feel like I am dying.

I'm supposed to go to San Francisco at the end of next month with friends. I live in Ohio, and this would literally be a dream vacation to see the west coast. 

But at 428 pounds I don't know if I can make myself do it. I'm afraid of all the walking, the hills, and feeling uncomfortable. 

IThe last time I flew they kindly gave me a RESERVED SEAT ???? sign for the airplane seat next to mine since I'm really big. 

I don't know what I was thinking when I planned this. I didn't want my size to hold me back but now I'm getting so anxious about it. I don't want to let my friends down by not going or by holding them back when we're there. 

I plan on having WLS at the beginning of 2018. I had my first appointment at Fresh Start Bariatric yesterday. 

I've been on a bit of a roller coaster the past few years.

I started my WLS journey at OSU (wonderful facility) and ended up losing over a 100 pounds. I took a year's worth of weekly diet, fitness, and behavioral classes. I decided against surgery at that time, and wanted to see how much I could lose on my own.

A year after getting down to 340, I was back up to 440 pounds. I couldn't believe it. I went back to OSU and tried to do another program, but I just couldn't lose any weight. I actually gained weight while trying to get back on track. Then I tried Weight Watchers and that was really just embarassing.

I had been seeing a therapist the entire time, but not much was improving. I felt terrible about myself, about my body, about gaining it all back.

I decided to try and find a new therapist. When I called a therapist I was interested in seeing, she reccommended I reach out to The Center For Balanced Living (Eating Disorder Clinic) to talk about my binge eating and weight issues. So I went there and was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder (BED). They recommended an 8 week Intensive Outpatient Program. I attended that, 4 days a week for 8 weeks. I did a lot of hard work and met with therapists and dieticians the whole time.

I feel better about myself as a person, and feel I have grown a lot in understanding my relationship with food. I'm trying to lose the weight in a healthy way, but I still feel like I am battling my biology.

I went to the gynecologist and she reccommended I look into bariatirc surgery again. So I started thinking about it again.

I read some studies regarding how metabolism changes after a life of dieting and major weight loss. It was disheartening, but it made sense... why losing it the second time is SO MUCH HARDER than the first time.

I need to lose 185 lbs to be in the obese category. Right now I am Super Morbidly Obese with a BMI of 61.

I'm still seeing a therapist weekly and a dietician every 3 weeks. I go to a meal group Tuesday nights and a bing eating support group every other week. I want this dedication and motivation to end in real weight loss. I told my therapist I was thinking about WLS and she seemed hesitant. I have truly never felt more prepared, though. I'm really working on the emotional part, and feel like I am ready to make this change. I don't know what coworkers, friends, or family will say. But I have to do this for ME

I only have 2 classes left and then I am done with my 6 months of weight management. I've had some ups and downs, but for the most part I really feel like I have embraced a lot of new changes and a new lifestyle. 

Today I weighed in at 383, which is a total loss of 62 pounds. I'm pretty proud of that! Exercise is making me feel good and making my body look better, too. I didn't get many "wow you look great!" comments until I started to exercise.

I still want to have surgery. But I'm really scared. It isn't scheduled, and my insurance info hasn't been submitted. But for some reason I'm scared of the complications. I'm afraid of what it will be like. I hope that it doesn't affect me at work.

I would still like to lose 150 pounds. I don't think I can do it on my own. I still have a huge appetite and overeat. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still have a stomach that can eat a heaping Chipotle burrito bowl, a whole bag of chips, and two fountain pops. Gross, I know! I haven't been eating like that recently, but I know my body.

I am meeting with a psychiatrist and a therapist regularly. It costs a lot of money, but I think it is really helping me. My therapist, who I have seen 2 times, also had RNY gastric bypass. I think her perspective will help me so much. I have stressed to her I just want to be "normal," and not hear the whispers and rude comments that I used to hear. I just want to be healthy and be able to do things like ride on an airplane, walk through a new city without getting tired, and... date!

Have a great day, everyone.

Well I made it to my first goal... Under 400 lbs. I am now 395! This is exciting, but at the same time I've been at the same weight for a few weeks. I haven't been taking my diet very seriously on the weekends.

So I think it's time to start focusing on exercise. I extended my preop weightloss program to 6 months, and these last 3 will be a good time to learn everything I need to know to be successful after surgery. I can get on an exercise bike or an elliptical machine, but as for weight training/muscle strengthening I have NO IDEA.

I'm going to join the gym at OSU where I take my classes. I think it is the best choice for me. I'm going to go tonight and ask about signing up.

Unlike my last entry, I have started to feel a difference in my clothes. I have gotten my old dress pants out of the closet. Most of them fit, and most of them needed the button sewn back on them. I must have worn them until the button literally popped off! It is a great feeling to be wearing those again after a year or year and a half.

It is likely my surgery will be in February or March of 2015. I'm learning and changing so much, I don't feel in a big rush. I think by then I will be ready.

Also my insurance changed their lifetime bariatric maximum from 10,000 to 20,000. That means I don't pay anything unless the surgery costs over 20,000. What a relief! That was DEFINITELY worth the wait.

This is just a quick update to say I am reaching 50 lbs of weight loss. I'm so close! I'm 2 pounds away. I have been maintaining for a few weeks, but I was able to lose 3 lbs this week because I'm super busy at work. No time to snack when I'm training 4 new employees!

I don't feel a ton of difference in my clothes, but I think in another few pounds I will. I have had to pull up some of my pairs of pants more than I usually would.

My 3 month weight loss program is coming to a close next week. They will submit all of my information to the insurance company. I have the opportunity to extend my program another 3 months while I wait for approval and a surgery date. So I'm going to do that. I hope I can learn even more and maybe lose some more weight too!

I think OSU's program is very good. If you are in the Columbus area, or even the rest of Ohio, I highly recommend it. I live about 10 minutes away from where the program takes place, so it is very convenient. But even if I had to drive from further away it would be worth it. They are great!

I need to focus on learning more about exercise and strength training in these 3 months... It is definitely lacking right now. I know how to do the elliptical and exercise bike, but as for weights or any other strenght training I am lost!

My family and friends have been very supportive. I hope they continue their support during my surgery and after. I have really only told my immediate family and a couple of friends. I am nervous what people will say, but I'm going to talk to a counselor about a few things. Maybe they will be able to help.

I am 4 weeks into my health classes at OSU and 7 weeks into my diet using MyFitnessPal. I have to say I am really proud of myself! I have lost 27 pounds since I started my diet 7 weeks ago and 33 pounds since June 1st.

I just wanted to write a quick update to remind myself that I am on my way!

I've slowly been working on my pre-surgery requirements. I still have a lot of questions... Is this the right path for me? Will the financial side work out? What will people in my life think?

One friend of mine said she would not recommend it, and she is a dietitian. She doesn't believe in elective surgeries, and that a lot of people gain their weight back. I value her opinion and our friendship, but she's never experienced being morbidly obese. Our lives are very different. 

I'm really proud of myself for the changes I have made so far. I have been using MyFitnessPal for 3 weeks, and have lost 13 pounds! I am also tracking my steps with FitBit and trying to be more active. Today I took a walk around the lake at a local park. It was a beautiful day for it. The trail is a mile and a half. It doesn't seem like very far, but I worked up a sweat.

I have also been trying to cook more. Today I'm making veggie enchiladas. I've tried a couple recipes from The World According to Eggface blog and they are great! I've been eating egg bites every morning. I'm putting a big emphasis on protein, and trying to avoid my weaknesses. Realizing cereal is something I eat WAY too much of, I've tried to stay away from it. I can easily eat 3-4 bowls and it just makes me hungrier.

I'm eating a lot of fruit. It's summer and everything is delicious! I know after surgery I will want to monitor the sugar content, but right now I think it's a good way to wean myself off of refined sugars.

With the change in diet and starting to use my CPAP machine nightly, I am starting to show a big boost in my energy levels. Twice today I have laid in bed thinking I would nap, only to get out of bed 15 minutes later and start doing something.

If this is what the future holds I am excited. I still have a big, insatiable appetite. It's not as bad as when I used to eat cookies, cakes, and chips. 

I had my endoscopy last week and they did find ulcers and gastritis. They upped my omeprazole to twice a day. I'm trying to stop drinking coffee and pop. As for pop, I won't be able to have that after surgery anyway. 

I feel good about the direction I am going in. Tuesday is my second orientation for my nutrition and exercise program at OSU. After that I will have weekly meetings and weigh-ins. If there's any time to be getting serious, it's right now!