The Dirty Little Secret

Nov 02, 2009

Here I sit, at a little over thirteen months out and one pound from goal, wondering why am I not happy about my body. I logically know that wearing a size six pant/skirt and small/medium top means that I am thin. My question is, why doesn't my size six body "look" like other women who are size six?

I called Holly the other night to hash out this mental BS that I am putting myself through. I think her answer makes sense--the extra skin. I am not all smooth and compact like women who have not lost massive amounts of weight. I guess that I am going to go invest in undergarments to help "smooth" me out. I wish there was a way to truly and objectively "see" myself. My friend Teri mentioned that "they" should create a computer program where we could upload our pictures and it would automatically match us to a picture of someone who looks physically just like us.

I wish that I could connect with a talk-therapist that deals with the mental issues of losing huge amounts of weight really quickly. I know that I am dealing with some body dysmorphic issues--for no other reason than my mind has not had time to catch-up with my body. Unfortunately, I have not been able to locate anyone who specializes in this--unless tied to eating disorders and what I am dealing with is a little different.

As long as I am confessing, I have also caught myself imbibing in old habits to deal with male attention--simple carbs. On one hand it is deeply flattering to be noticed by males and be the center of attention. However, since I did not learn how to deal with adult male attention throughout my 20's- early 30's--I married at 18 and had three children by 23--I struggle with:  is this "normal" male flirty behavior or inappropriate male behavior. I should point out, that I know blatant inappropriate behavior from a mile away, it is the various shades of gray that I am having trouble navigating.

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