Schaefersgirl

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Well as it turns out, I was cleared by the nutrionist for surgery and now all I have to do is get an appointment with my surgeon. That's a little easier said than done, but the delay between now and either late Sept. or Oct. will be worth the wait. It will allow me the chance to lose more weight and be closer to the goal of the 20 lbs weightloss my surgeon set for me. I'm proud to be able to announce that I've already lost 7 lbs and am well on my way to that 20 lbs...

Today is my meeting with the nutritionist and I must say that I'm intimidated. I have been told by other people that it's hard to pass her and even though she is also supposed to be nice, I really want to get past this part of my wls journey. If she passes me(fingers,toes, and eyes crossed) I can then make the appointment to see my surgeon again and hopefully set a date. This is exciting and nerve-wrecking all at the same time. So wish me luck....I know I'm gonna need it!

To be totally honest, I'm scared...scared of this whole mess I've gotten myself into. Scared to stay at the weight I've allowed myself to get to, yet scared to have the surgery that would help me. On the other hand I'm scared to let this opportunity pass me by and be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what life holds for me and I'm not sure what's the best thing for me, but if it is this surgery....if it is giving up how I've always been to take on a new life,  then it's time to push past the fear to have the chance to meet a new and healthier me.

Last night I almost had myself convinced not to have the surgery. I got to thinking about all the things I'd be giving up and how hard it is to stay on the straight and narrow path that wls offers. I told myself that I could make a go of it myself and lose the weight the way I did before by just having a healthy diet and exercise. I've never committed myself to something this huge before....and make no mistake it is huge and it ain't easy! I hate it when uninformed people try to say its the easy way out...bah! This morning though has me willing to at least consider it again. It would be a great tool in helping me to lose weight and yes it is something drastic and is not going to be some walk in the park, but I can do it...I can...

It's been quite awhile since I've posted things and a roller coaster ride its been. In March I got out of the WLS program at the Naval Hospital Portsmouth because we thought my husband wasn't going to be allowed to stay in the Navy. I have only just gotten back in and passed the psychological screening. I've been doing my best for over a week now to eat healthier and get more exercise.  I'm actually having enough trouble getting calories in since I switched to healthier foods...anyone else have that problem? So now I'm excited again to be in the program and on a path to a healthier me.

So yesterday was my orientation meeting...it was very informative, intimidating, and fun! I say fun because I got the chance to meet a new group of women that are now part of my support system. I feel a little overwhelmed by everything though and I'm not going to lie...a bit scared as well. From now on out, I'm not allowed to gain any weight(this frightens me a good deal), I'm stuck waiting for my intial consultation(not so scary), and then there is the thought of what life will be like after I have the surgery(very scary to me).  It's hard to explain, but I'll try anyway...When you've lived your life a certain way up until now, you've developed habits and ticks and it takes a lot to overcome those. Yes, the surgery is going to be a great tool in helping with that, but I guess I'm scared of failing. You see, I've never  been one  able to follow through with things. When something gets too hard, I bail. With this one chance at the surgery, I guess I'm afraid that I'm going to end up letting myself down and either gaining the weight back or chickening out and not doing it. These are issues I need to discuss with my therapist I know, but I just needed to get them out in the open.  I need to keep reminding myself that my main goal now is to get myself healthy. There is so much in life that I'm having to miss out on because I'm not healthy and until I make that leap towards it and start focusing on it...I'm never going to be healthy. That's not acceptable to me...you get one life and I want to live it...oh how I want to live it!

It's early morning and I find myself too excited to sleep. In a few hours I will be going to my orientation and as I examine my thoughts, realize that I feel as though I am getting ready to truly start my life.  Butterflies flit through my stomach and I have to acknowledge the nerves that are on end too; it's not hard to understand that, with how shy a person I am. Because I have always been overweight, I learned to put up barriers between myself and the outside world and to know that I should let them down is a little overwhelming. I am feeling a surge of confidence though, and am ready to take on whatever is heading my way. There has always been this person that I knew I was inside and have hated that when others look at me, they don't see her. I get judged before even being talked to and people don't get to know how funny I can be or how loyal I am to those I consider my truest friends. I  feel as though I've been given a vitamin shot of self-esteem because I'm finally doing something to take care of myself and I don't care what anyone else thinks about it. This is for me....for my health...for my life.

Alright I'll admit it...I'm about as giddy as a school girl right now. Tomorrow is my very first orientation meeting for surgery and even though it is only the first step in what will be a long line of steps... it's still a beginning.  I'm also a bit excited by the fact that when I put on a pair of jeans this morning, I didn't have any trouble getting them zipped or buttoned! I've been doing my best to start a healthier lifestyle and I do believe that the rewards are already starting to roll in(or zip up as maybe the case). My husband has even said that I look a bit different...a little slimmer( don't you just love husbands who say that? ). So here's to new beginnings and new journeys! May all the steps we take be towards the person we are truly ment to be! Giddy-Not-So-School-Girl Out!

The past few days have been terrible ones for my food portions and are laced with disappointments. I don't yet know what it is that triggers me, but my mornings will start out great....48oz of water before breakfast(which will be portioned out nicely and very healthy), but then towards the afternoon I find myself almost losing complete control over how well I govern what and how much I eat. This in turn leads me to feelings of self-reproach and disappointment and can be the catalyst for another round of emotionally charged binging. I feel like I have been trying hard to change, to become the healthier me, and yet here I am...doing the same old thing to myself. It only adds  guilt on top of guilt and I am becoming so frustrated. Aren't I stronger than this? Can I really be allowing myself to make choices that I know are actually hurting me more than they could ever bring me pleasure? Why do I do this? Why?! I'm not really asking for any sympathy, just trying to work out why I seem hell-bent on a path that can only lead me to more heartache and tears. I guess this is exactly why I need to start working with a therapist that knows how to deal with this type of problem. All I know for sure however, is that I want to be healthy, I need to be healthy, I will be healthy! 

This morning found me on the way to my very first appointment with a new therapist. He was running late(the weather is bad here), but seemed to be a rather nice man. After talking to him a bit about my relevant medical history, he has suggested that I find a side therapist that specializes in eating disorders. My therapist suggested( and I have to agree after giving it a little thought) that the way I eat and why I eat can be attributed to food addiction. Now, I've jokingly talked about being a food addict for years, but until today never really took it seriously...I mean come on...a person being addicted to food?! That was a bit far, even for me. Yet, the more that I think about it, the more I am able to see that it isn't that much of a joke after all. I've known myself to become so obsessed with eating a certain food that I'll physically ache until I get said food...never mind if it's healthy or not. I've self-medicated every emotion with food, every period of boredom with food, that anymore I don't know what's real hunger and what could be attributed to an unhealthy emotional response. So Monday, I begin my search for help with my food addiction. If and when I am able to have WLS, I don't want to have to worry that I'll allow myself to fall back into the same unhealthy patterns that I've had up until now. It's time to make a change and to finally stand up for myself. So all I've got left to say right now is...Hi, I'm Anita and I'm a food-addict.