Stall

Jun 25, 2008

Not much to report except I am in a big stall it seems. I havent lost any weight for a week or so. I  don't think I have been eating enough...alot of stress going on here lately plus no desire to eat, and I have to make myself. Labs are good except my thyroid is too high for a change....I feel like it is because of all the years I have been M.O.  and now my thyroid doesnt know it has to work so hard anymore. 
On a good note ,I have lost 12 inches around my big ole droopy belly.  This was the only measurement that anyone took  pre-op....and it took a long time for that part to start going down...but now that it is it makes me soooo happy.
Now if I could loose some junk in my trunk. I will close for now. Hope everyone else is doing good.
          Hugs, Sandra

First goal reached yesterday

Jun 12, 2008

Well I finally did it yesterday morning. I met my first mini goal. I am down to 298...which means I am finally under that 300 pound mark and I have lost 61 pounds. Not too bad for being 2 months and 5 days post-op. Soo good to see the 200's again ! Now to get to 200...thats gonna take awhile I am sure , although the weight has been coming off pretty fast here lately. I have been putting in  extra effort on the exercise bike and have tried to be more diligent in what and how much I eat....trying to eat mainly high protein stuff and getting in enough water. Ive posted a few pics that I had my daughter take of me and I posted my all time worst pic too...mainly so I can see where I came from and compare to now.....this pic is not for the faint of heart...so BEWARE !!! It might hurt your eyes...it sure hurts mine. Well thats all to say now I have to get ready to go see the heart dr and have BP checked and get a new RX.
  Hugs and love to all,
God is good.
Sandra

Almost 2 months out

Jun 06, 2008

Just a quick update. I will be two months post -op on  Sunday June 8th. I am down 55 pounds as of this morning. I am approaching my first goal of getting below 300...( I have 4 pounds to get  TO 300 and 5 to get below it)
Hopefully that will come to fruition soon. Today is my 6th year wedding anniversary . Too bad it is going to be so hot , so we cant really get out and do too much outside to celebrate.
Dealing with alot of depression that seems to come and go...( mainly stays, although i do have some brief breaks from it ) Find myself wanting to do things that I know will hurt my long term goals...like  I am setting myself up to fail...the old " see I told you I couldn't do this" kinda mentaility. It is so crazy this journey....I find myself thinking there are people in my life( not many ...maybe only one or tow at the most) that would love to see me fall flat on my face and fail...Maybe not...but that is the way that I feel anyway.
Some days I feel like giving in and  most days I won't give anyone the satisfaction. I think most of it stems from worrying about whether or not I am going to do good with this surgery and even get close to my goal. It seems so far off and even though I see the numbers dropping and my clothes getting looser, I still feel the same inside ya know....like nothing has really changed. It is a mind thing I know.....Just gotta keep praying and asking God to guide me and be with me...which I know He always is....I just gotta ask and believe. Well I will close for now. I hope everyone is doing great. Be blessed.
            Hugs, Sandra

Some of my personal truths...

May 23, 2008

Reflecting on the past several weeks before and after surgery...looking at where I've been, where I am now , and where I might have been had I not taken the opportunity to have the WLS. There are random thoughts that have been going through my head and I thought it was time to admit them to myself and everyone else.
Prior to the surgery , and right after the H&P, I began obsessing about food...OMG was I not going to ever be able to eat this or that after the fact ?...plus I had the promise of a yucky 10 day liquid diet that I just knew in my heart of hearts that I could never adhere to...I was a desperate woman threatend by people who were trying to take away the one thing that gave me comfort when I had a bad day, when I was lonely, it was the one thing that never said, "No not you".By the same sword it was cutting my very life short...was locking me away to be faithful to "it" only. "It" was like any addictive drug one gets hooked on...waiting and craving that next fix...loving it when it made me feel good, loved, or wanted and hating it when I felt even more alone, fatter, unhealthy, stared at, made fun of, ashamed to be me....ashamed to be alive.
This obsession caused me to gain 20 more pounds to carry around. My ability to move around at all was getting hard to do at best. Because of the self loathing of what I had allowed myself to become, of the badly jaded view I had of myself ( which was confirmed ever time I looked into a mirror)...I have become somewhat of a recluse of sorts. Dont get me wrong I love talking to people...I used to be very social and considered myself to be very easy to like and get along with...sure I had issues...who doesn't? I was always the fat girl who always smiled even when her heart was breaking inside....who would chew off her own arm to help or impress those she cared about without any regard for my own wants/needs. Without the selfless acts of caring/loving from me I felt like my life had NO meaning...I was worthless unless I had something bigger/better to offer the people in my life. I was always stressed to the max mentally...always teetering on the edge...trying to balance what I felt everyone wanted from me...I wouldnt wait for them to ask...I was a GREAT mind reader....I always tried to anticipate everyones needs...God forbid they should have to ask!
Right before the surgery my heart has been doing all kinds of crazy things....I was having palpatations constantly...even when sitting completely still. I was NOT going to mention it to anyone. I did not want to see ANYTHING stand between me and this surgery. I felt without it my time was very limited and short. With it I might have some cardiac complication on the table, but to be honest living my life as I had been, was the biggest scare for me. I had spent many hours in prayer, not only about this surgery but my life in general. No matter how it went I knew it was according to Gods' plan, so I felt completely at ease. I know in my heart of hearts, that had I not had this surgery, which has given me HOPE for the first time since a child, a sense of real help in gaining control of my life....I would be alot fatter than those 20 more pounds I had put on right before surgery.
The ugly truth here is that I was out of control...completely! I had passed what I felt was the point of no return long ago. I felt like there was no help for me . I did not feel deserving and I felt destined to die at a young age from some obesity related co-morbidity. Since I had so little hope...no real encouragement ( unless you think it is productive to hear someone say to you...your f*&^%$( fat A**) No I didn't take that as words of encouragement either ( funny isnt it? NOT !) I thought why not eat what I want. There is no help for me now. Why make myself miserable by withholding food...the one thing that I could always count on when everyone else had used me up and thrown me away. Why not speed up the inevitable?
The fact is this: I have nearly died over 3 times. God wouldn't allow me to leave no matter how bad I wanted to go....no matter how many times I got close...close was never where I wanted to go in the end. God has a purpose for me...I may not ever really know what that might entail......but one reason I know for a fact is to be here to raise my 10 year old daughter, that I love more than my own life. I may never be anyone important or powerful, rich or beautiful but I have been truly blessed. I decided when I saw that God was not going to let me go until HE was ready for me to go...to put a concerted effort into actually living....With the shape I had gotten myself into how could I ever get to where I needed to be...If I was going to live ( and apparently God has said so) I wanted to do more than just exist as I have been....a lump on the couch nursing my broken heart, my broken spirit, my broken body. I wanted to actually enjoy my life...I was intent on LIVING not just existing......Anyone can exist in one form or another....I had had enough...I promised God never again....just help me learn to enjoy and desire to live again.
Please dont get me wrong....I find great promise in the small things in life....all the simple meaningful things I may have taken for granted many years ago when I was more able bodied and able minded...when I was too busy and self centered to really care that much...I thought that way of life was living.... Thank God , He has shown me the important things in life. He has humbled me time and time again when I thought I was my own person....when I could take care of things myself...Hey I was young and strong and didn't need ANYONES help......
Funny how sometimes it takes even God awhile to make us aware...so open our eyes to see the truth... I am so glad HE did.... My appreciation of my life and what it takes to make my life worthwhile ....are so much different now. I find great pleasure in simple things. I dont need alot of money to be happy. I don't need to keep up with anyone financially or otherwise. God has graciously given me everything that I need...and then some. He has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined or asked for. I take great comfort in knowing that even though the body may fail, friends and loved ones may pass away and I may still fight those same demons from time to time for the rest of my life, I do not have to do it alone anymore.
Having this surgery has been another prayer that God, along with Dr. Cox, have helped to answer. I have hope....I know that through God all things are possible. I now have the tools that I need to help myself.... I no longer feel helpless, hopeless and on a path of utter and total personal destruction.
For the first time in a long time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....
I know God has a purpose for me...and whatever that happens to be, I am happy to follow....and now I can hopefully enjoy the ride to there from here..... God is good !
Hugs and best wishes to you on your journey. I hope you find the hope and peace and acceptance that I have. If I can help or you need to talk I am always happy to oblige.....
Always, Sandra

update

May 22, 2008

Hi,
went for my one month check up ( which is actually 6 weeks post -op here)
As of today I am down  44 pounds by their scales and 47 by mine 
Seems weight loss has slowed down more than I like, but I have been eating too much sodium, not getting enough fluids in... yada yada yada plus I am PMSing like nobodies business. Goodness  I hate months like this....I can't even stand MYSELF...and I am fighting the urge to get a pack of cigaretts...in case things weren't bad enough.
Thinking of getting the Wii fitness...that should help me and DD to be more fit. God knows I need all the motivation that I can get....and the way gas is going out of sight I need to stay closer to home. to save the money and the aggravation. Hmmm....all the things I need to do...Enough to drive you mad. Please pray for me..I am fighting my old depression demons.
          Hugs, Sandra

all is well

May 09, 2008

Finally my infection dried up and I was able to ge back into the pool !!!!
I have lost 36 pounds as of this morning . My energy has not been the best, so I figure maybe I am not doing something quite right. I am feeling good
otherwise. Goona try to pick up the activity level some...need to alot more. I am hoping in time my deisre to be out and about increases as I loose and feel better. I fight a phobia that keeps me at home alot.  Hard to make yourslef step out of that box that you have lived in for so long....even though you hate the confines of it...you are still stepping outside of your comfort zone. I pray about this often and know in time God will release me from this affliction.
 Well I will close for now. I hope everyone else is doing as good or better.
       Hugs,  Sandra

update

May 01, 2008

Hi Everyone,
Just a quick update. I am still dealing with this surgical infection,,,,darn thing wont quit running and now it is smelling bad again YUK...and I just finished my antibiotics ( 15 days of doxycycline...and it kills your tummy)...Not sure how much longer this is going to continue , but I do know it is def. cramping my style....I can't get into the pool for water aerobics !!!!
 I have finally got past my first stall....and I have lost several pounds in a day.... I have now lost 32 1/2 pounds. I will be 4 weeks out on this coming Tuesday. I am sooo stoked right now. Yesterday I pretty much laid around cause i felt lazy and didn't want to do much, but that loss has given me some incentive to get up off my sometimes lazy butt and move more today.
I hope everyone  else is having a great Friday too....it is suppose to be a beautiful day and a nice weekend....good one to go FISHING  !!!!
Hugs, Sandra

Infection check up today

Apr 24, 2008

Today I returned for a re-check on the infection......wouldn't ya know it wouldnt be good enough for the Dr to just look at it and say  " It looks ok but if it gives you any more problems....just come back "  He had to take the opportunity to reopen it some...BIG OUCH !!!! Hopefully now it will drain and heal from the inside out.
 In other news I have lost 25 pounds so far, with a loss of 9 pounds in the last week. I am loving my RNY !!!!   and so glad that I decided to do this. It hasn't been easy by a long shot, but it has been worthwhile.

Post Surgical Infection

Apr 17, 2008

Here I am one week and three days out and I developed a surgical wound infection. Now I am on doxycycline and it makes my whole belly hurt and I feel nauseous. I am scared...I don't want to have to be re-cut to drain this thing which has grown quite large in circumference.... I just hope and pray that the med will help it without killing my new tummy. Other than this , I am feeling fine. I had lost 16 pounds through the liquid diet phase and the week after surgery.......not as much as I had hoped for....but they assured me  I was still holding onto alot of fluid and swelling that would disappate over the next few weeks. Oh well any journey has to start with those first few steps.
Please keep me in your prayers.
 Sandra

Home, Sore but alive

Apr 10, 2008

Well I am finally back home. Everything went  well with no complications.
Got home around 1:30 ...just enjoying being home with the family...and peace and quiet.I have alot of swelling and I couldn't even get the seatbelt buckled on the trip home.......Well gonna go get reacquanted with the family again. Will post more when I feel a little better.
Hugs to All,
Sandra

About Me
Lenoir, NC
Location
57.0
BMI
RNY
Surgery
04/08/2008
Surgery Date
Jun 25, 2007
Member Since

Friends 23

Latest Blog 28
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