Uh oh.

Jun 06, 2009

So I was planning to post this evening anyways, but it turns out that something interesting happened to me today that actually made it worth posting.

First, the basics. I'm at 265, about 140 pounds down from my highest. I feel amazing, blah blah blah. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection this quarter. I feel confident that my skyrocketing improvement in school is due to the improvement in my health. 3.9s for the last two quarters, and a 4.0 this quarter. I'm impressing my superiors, I'm winning scholarships, and I am extremely happy. But that's old news.

Today, I went to a study group for my Ethics class. A friend of mine brought food. She knows I don't eat sugar, so she had some sugar free stuff there for me, which was awesome. I partook of some chips and salsa, and a few cookies from the table. I was kind of munching as we studied (bad, I know) until about six cookies later, I look more carefully at the package. The top corner says "Wheat and Dairy Free!" and my heart sinks. I look at the nutrition information, and sure enough, those suckers have six grams of sugar per cookie. So I'm laughing a little bit at the situation. I'm like "well, dang, I'm definitely going to be sick later." But the thing is, I have no idea how sugar affects me. In the nine and a half months since surgery, today was the first time I've eaten a significant amount of sugar.

And you know the worst part? I'm fine. It's been three hours since I had the cookies, and I feel completely fine. I must have eaten nearly 40 grams of sugar and had no adverse side effects whatsoever. This is terrible. The fear of being violently ill was the most powerful deterrent against sugar for me. I'd like to think that I have the willpower to not go eating sugar all the time even though I know it won't do anything, but I'm scared that I won't be able to.

As ridiculous as it is, I'm still kind of hoping that I get sick later tonight. If I get sick, it'll just reinforce the fact that I can't eat sugar, and I'll be a better person for it. Maybe I'll even be careful about reading labels (I'm usually so good about it! I just misread the "wheat and dairy free" label is all!)

So yeah, I dunno. I'm beginning to get a little worried that my bad habits are catching up with me, despite the fact that I'm still losing. I want to get at least 90 pounds smaller. I think I'll just have to focus on protein and exercise more, especially this summer.

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