seashelly

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So I haven't been blogging much, either here or in my personal blog, in the past couple weeks. I think it's mostly because I don't have many nice things to say. I managed to keep most of the nastiness confined to one friends-only post about a week back. If you haven't (or can't) read the aforementioned post, rest assured that you probably don't want to. I know for a fact I managed to offend one person. Nothing has really changed since then except for my emotional state. I'm calmer now. Still not exactly happy, still struggling with self-doubt and self-loathing, and still wanting to eat more than half a freaking scrambled egg, but not so hyper.

I don't know if I've lost anything. The last time I weighed, I managed to break my second scale, which told me before it died that I had gained a pound since surgery. I nearly threw the lying bastard at a wall, but instead I cried. And since then, I have no idea. I wish I did. Either it would tell me how badly I'm screwing this up (hopefully not) or it would give me some assurance that this is actually working for me. Not knowing either way kinda sucks.

Protein always makes me vomit. I've tried two dozen kinds and I'm always immediately in the bathroom with the porcelein goddess. I can't do it and I know that's bad but I don't know what else to try. I guess the next step is to try an idea I've had for a while and freezing the protein into ice cubes and swallowing whole ice chips. Might hurt but I've got to get the protein in somehow, right?

Yesterday morning I started having some excrutiating pain. It would come and go intermittently, with the episodes lasting about 20 minutes each time. The best way I can describe the pain is if a menstrual cramp and a diarhhoea pain had a baby in the form of a cactus. I like to think I have a fairly high tolerance for pain, but despite my best efforts to keep it quiet, I was screaming and crying and honestly thought I was going to black out.

My dad called the hospital even though I told him not to. Pain was something I expected going into this. Granted, I had never anticipated anything quite that severe, but I figured there was nothing a hospital could do for me. Nevertheless, he called and an hour later we were in the emergency room.

I had to go through a series of complicated, painful, and quite frankly, humiliating tests. Along the way, they discovered a bladder infection as a result of the catheter, which had been causing some discomfort but which I overlooked in the face of the overwhelming stomach pain.

6 hours in the hospital, a CT-scan, bloodwork, morphene shots, botched IV-s, and other things unmentionable later, and what did they discover as the source of the pain? Nothing. Not a word about it. They couldn't explain it and implied that I was being a baby about it. Yes, I was upset.

Now I'm on antibiotics for the infection and got some more Vicodin for the pain, but still fuming a little bit about the lack of a diagnosis. I'm seeing Dr. Oh tomorrow or Wednesday, so we'll see if he knows anything else.

Things kinda caught up with me again soon after my last post. Mainly I just got really frustrated because I couldn't even take a drink of water without it hurting. I was taking the smallest sips I could manage, not swallowing air, and I tried every temperature I could think of, and still every time I took a drink, it would feel like I was trying to swallow an egg. Not pleasant. I wound up doing a few different things to fix it, and I don't know what did it, but it was either the water with lime Dr. Oh suggested or the switch from Percoset to Vicodin or it was just one of those things that took time.

In any case, I wound up crying uncontrollably, which is really weird for me. It was more of a case of my emotions getting away from me than it was anything indicating the severity of the pain I was in. It wasn't THAT bad, I just got upset and that led everyone to think I was in horrible pain.

Anywho, I've discovered the majesty of SF popsicles (I resisted them before since I don't really like cold stuff much but hey, you make sacrifices :D) and like I said, Vicodin > Percoset. I can't really shake the urge to eat though. I really want to eat, not gonna lie. I have the randomest cravings. (Cucumbers? Weird.) I can't wait to just have a bite of something. Srsly.

And I'm planning to weigh today or tomorrow. Maybe it's a bit early but I'd like to see something to indicate that this is worth it.

I'm post-op!

I know I didn't post for a few days before surgery. I wasn't feeling up to it at all. I was seriously feeling ill and depressed and had a really hard time even getting out of bed most days. The only thing of note that happened in that period was that I went back to weigh on Monday and had lost 30 pounds. I was nervous because the doctor told me to lose 40 or no laparoscopic surgery. But still, 30 pounds in 2 weeks? Not bad, right?

Anyways, I checked in on the morning of the 26th at 7:30a. I waited around with my family for an hour or so, then got taken back to another room where I had to get poked a bunch, change clothes, and wait around by myself for an hour or so before my family were allowed to come back and see me. for about an hour. around 10:30, they called me back for good and told me this is where I would be saying goodbye. Mind you, I still didn't know whether I'd be getting open or lap surgery, but I went back to the admitting room and spoke with the anesthesiologist, some nurses, and Drs. Hirai and Oh. Yes I could have a lap surgery! I was really glad to hear that.

I remember being wheeled to the OR and seeing the bright lights and all the doctors, and next thing I knew, they were taking my catheter out and then I was in recovery and then I was with my family pushing my awesome button. Most of the time when I was laying in my room I was sleeping, even though Jeny and my mom and dad were in there and I didn't want to blow them off. I just felt like I couldn't get enough sleep. They told me whenever my 8 minutes were up so I could push my PCA button again, which was the greatest thing ever. Unfortunately they had to leave at 8:30-ish. I got some sleep after that in 1-2 hour increments. I kept having to ask for more water, which was good and bad at the same time because I would get so thirsty in between my rounds of water but I definitely did get in everything I was supposed to.

The night I stayed in the hospital was pretty comfortable. I was asleep on and off throughout the night but there was the best CNA in the world there with me who not only took care of everything I needed, but was really nice and also really cute. Chris would take me on walks around the floor of the hospital and talk about random stuff, and he said I was the best patient he'd ever had, to which I replied he was the best nurse I'd had. Awww. I wanted to hug him and/or get his number.

Anyways, Chris left at about 6:00 :( and they had me start taking liquid Vicodin in the hospital, and I spoke with Dr. Hirai the next morning who let me know that I had very low levels of some electrolytes... I think it was potassium and sodium but I really don't remember. My dad came in at 8:30 that morning and Dr. Oh came back to repeat some of the same information. He said it would be a few hours before I could leave because the IV they'd have to give me would take about 4 hours to empty. So I think I slept but I don't remember too well.

I got to go home around 1:00. We stopped at the pharmacy to pick up my meds and that took awhile, but then we drove home and since then I've just been chilling in my dad's recliner, drinking water and percoset and trying to walk every once in a while. I took a shower this morning which wasn't as bad as I was expecting. In fact, the pain from the incisions hardly bothers me at all, but I'm pretty nauseous most of the time. Even water is making me feel a bit ill. My dad says it could be the percoset which is supposed to be hard on the stomach anyways, so since the incisions aren't bothering me too much, I'm going to try cutting back on that to see if some of the nausea goes away.

My abdomen makes very loud noises. They sound like "RARRR I'M VERY HUNGRY" noises but they aren't because I'm not hungry. I know it's stupid but I keep thinking it's the sound of my insides adjusting to the new empty spaces between my junk in there. You know, sciency stuff. :P

Overall, I'm good. Not too much pain, manageable amounts of nausea, and my energy and range of motion are low but getting better. And my friends and family have been so amazingly helpful. It makes me glad I prepared for the worst, because this is so much easier than I thought it would be.

Today has NOT been a good day.

I ache everywhere. I can't have another protein shake, ever. I opened the container to make one and retched and gagged and nearly threw up. I can't have broth anymore. I had half a bowl three hours ago and I still feel like I'm going to die. My vitamins all suck and when I swallow them they usually come right back up. I sleep all night and sleep all day. My eyesight fades in and out. My pulse is through the roof. I'm scared to tell anyone these things because I don't want my surgery delayed or cancelled. I don't think I'm healthy at all right now. But my surgeon MUST have know I wasn't going to be healthy if he put me on a 15 day SFCL diet and told me to lose 40 pounds. That's NOT a healthy thing to do.

I need to sleep more. Outrageous, but true. Why does everything hurt?

4 days.

While I recognize that I need to make some changes in my life, there are a few things I hope never change.

I hope that I always have the inner beauty that I know I posess right now.

May I will never look at an overweight person and feel revulsion or anger or mockery.

I hope that I do not lose my sense of proportion (no pun intended) and that I always know who I am and where I came from.

May I never become shallow, or petty, or judgmental.

I hope that I will not lose sight of my ambitions, but that this adventure will only make them clearer and closer within reach.

I aspire to always remember that as I am right now, I am a good person. I have not failed at life. I may or may not have put myself here, but I am not a failure, I am not miserable, and no matter what happens in the weeks and months and years to come, I am worthy of happiness.

I wish to always look on the bright side of life, that I will still see beauty and humor in every day life, and that I will not become a slave to society, or a media clone.

May I make new friends, but keep the ones I've got nearer and dearer than anyone. Nobody has as amazing of a support group as I do right now, and I need to make sure I never forget that.

To sum it up, my aspiration is that this surgery does not change the fundamentals of who I am.

I know I just posted less than a day ago, but wow.

I finally got a scale today. I've never owned a scale in my life but I found one that goes up to 400 so I bought it.

My first visit with the surgeon, I weighed 401, and the day before I started the liquid diet, 399. I just stepped on the scale after about 5.5 days of this liquid diet. 386. I need to get down to the neighborhood of 360 to get a lap surgery, but wow. Who would have thought I could actually lose weight?

If I keep going at this pace exactly, I'll lose about 20 or 25 more pounds, which would put me just shy of my 40 pounds in 2 weeks and might convince Dr. Oh to let me go lap. If I manage to throw in a little more walking or even just sit outside in this ridiculous heat, I'll sweat out the excess.

Or maybe I could just chop off all my hair and cut my fingernails?

I picked up my ten bottles of supplements today and have so far consumed seven. I'm holding off on iron, A, and C until tomorrow, since that's what's on my schedule, but when it's all said and done, including the various mixtures, I've got Calcium Citrate, Magnesium, D-3, B-1, B complex, B-12, Dry E, a multivitamin, iron, A, C, and worst of all, Zinc. I picked up some liquid Zinc today, and I can easily say that I've never had a more unpleasant experience in my life. It was like swallowing rubbing alcohol mixed with a 1935 penny. It burned and stung and the taste still isn't out of my mouth after more than two hours. Plus, I only got about half of what I needed because the eyedropper doesn't match up to a full dose. The first thought in my head after I took the zinc was that I would rather die of zinc deficiency than ever ever do that again.

I feel like a pharmacy. I've got my ten bottles lined up (eleven if you count the tylenol I took this morning for back pain.) I woke up this morning thinking about cheeseburgers. I'm almost to the point where I'm not hungry anymore, but I still have the occasional pang, and I still constantly want to go to Wendy's or Panda Express or ANYWHERE and eat food! I wonder how long it'll take to get over that?

Even besides being hungry, I know I'm not getting enough nutrients right now. I lost the sheet that tells me what supplements I need. I feel totally weak and sick and the hunger pains have turned into this constant dull ache and I can't even possibly choke down any more water. Call me ridiculous, but I'm scared of becoming hyponatremic. I'm almost positive I'm at least a little hypoglycemic. I could literally feel the adrenaline rush today, which according to my research means my blood sugar is below 55 mg/dL. I wonder how I'm expected to counter that when I'm not allowed anything to eat at all... I feel like neither broth nor sugar-free jello is going to do any good.

The pre-op liquid diet has made me realize how much I think about food. I've yet to cheat, exactly, unless you count blending a tablespoon of canned pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice with my protein shake. It's a freaking vegetable, fully sugar free, and it made the darn thing drinkable!

Anyways. Ahem. Bad moods. :(

Well, today I finally did it. I broke down and cried. Maybe it was the fact that the people at Franciscan double-booked me for my pre-op and my last office visit. Maybe it was the way I tried and tried to contact the clinic to correct it and was unable to get through. Maybe it was the way the pre-op nurse looked at me - not in a rude way, but with so much pity - or the way she hugged me after our appointment and wished me luck. Maybe it was the nice women chattering away in Dr. Oh's waiting room about the relative merits of different powdered teas. Or maybe - just MAYBE - it was the fact that Dr. Oh told me that I'm too big for a laparoscopic procedure unless I lose 40 pounds in 15 days. His words.

After that, I left the clinic in a daze, got out to the car, called my dad, and burst into tears. He was telling me that it's not too late to back out, and I was crying too hard to tell him about the stories I've read of people who bail at this stage. Besides, it's not that I don't want to go through with this. It's just that it's already hard, and I haven't even started on the hard part. People keep telling me that I must have astounding courage to have gone this far, but I don't feel courageous. I feel fat and lazy and usually stupid.

My dad called my best friend and told her I was having a rough day. She invited me to see a movie with her in Everett, which is on the way home for me, so I did. I was really glad just to get a hug, even though I totally crashed her party.

Anyways. I've done my last appointment, except for the last weigh-in Dr. Oh requested in two weeks, presumably to see if I've lost 40 pounds. Which I can almost guarantee I will NOT have done.

I still feel like crying a bit. I just keep repeating to myself that it's all going to be worth it. It'll all be worth it.