seashelly

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Lately I've been dealing with some things I don't really know how to cope with surrounding this surgery. I don't consider myself an overly emotional person. Sure, I've struggled with depression, but for the most part, I tend to stick around a comfortable middle ground as far as emotions go. This surgery has got me _feeling_ a lot more than I'm used to, and even though I'm not the kind to talk about feelings, either, I feel like I probably should, and that it's a good thing to put here. Most of what I'm feeling is positive, but there's some negative in there too.

I'm so excited to wake up in six weeks and feel good, to feel like getting out of bed. I'm so thrilled to think that in nine months I'll look in the mirror and see someone who looks way different than I look now. I can't wait to shop for new clothes, to not get taunted while walking down the street, to walk up two flights of stairs.

On the other hand, I'm freaking terrified of screwing this up. It's not that I think I can't handle this, but it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that soon, I'm going to have the tools to reject the cravings that plague me every day. It's hard to think that soon I'll be comfortable with the idea of going on a jog. I'm also afraid of the post-op pain, not gonna lie.

I'm not used to FEELING this much. It's freaking exhausting. I'm rapidly becoming obsessed with this site. I've probably two hundred profiles looking for habits of successful people, any and all woes faced one week, one month, one year, five years out from surgery. I want to know as much as possible, become as familiar as possible with everything I need to do to make this work for me.

But I know myself too well. If this is anything like any other thing I've ever tried, I'm going to totally kick butt at this for a year, _maybe_ two, and then I'm going to fall prey to the exact same demons that have always haunted me. I don't know how to avoid that. I've been trying to put the idea in my mind that I won't do that, that I'll come to regard this in the same way that I regard alcohol and other harmful things - I know that I can't smoke, and I can't drink, because I have a predisposition to addiction, both from personal and family history. I've never smoked, never drank, despite ample opportunity. But I'm thoroughly a caffeine and internet addict, and other family members have struggled with various forms of substance abuse. If I can just program FOOD in my mind as one of the list of "no" things, I can maybe avoid this.

The problem is, the reason I don't even TRY smoking or drinking is because I'm scared I will like it and that I don't want to get addicted. I've never had to conquer an addiction, and I've never had to deal with an addiction where I can't "quit cold turkey," because quitting food can lead to starvation, I've heard. I can only hope that this will teach me some semblance of moderation that will stick after the weight is gone.

I'm afraid of change, I think. I didn't realize this until recently, but even though I know that change is going to be a good thing, there are things about my life that I LIKE, that stand to change after surgery. Not least of these things is _food_. I LIKE food! I like my friends, and I've read stories where people lose friends, even get divorced because of this surgery.

There's so much STUFF going through my head right now. I have trouble coping with this right now. Like I said, I know myself, and I know I'm going to be freaking the hell out on the morning of my surgery. I freaked out the morning of my endoscope, for crap's sake. So that's my other goal right now, is to be comfortable with the idea that I AM going to be in pain but that it WILL go away and that I CAN cope with pain and that it WON'T be as bad as I think it'll be.

The bottom line to all this, and the one thing I've learned is that I will definitely go through with this, because out of all the two hundred profiles I've read, not a single one of them regrets having this surgery. Not the woman who divorced her husband. Not the one who lost her best friend. Not even the one who died on the operating table and had to be revived. Not a single person has said "I wish I hadn't done this." So I like my odds that this is going to turn out for the best.

Today was my first semi-negative experience with one of Dr. Oh's colleagues. Dr. Haynes himself was nothing but pleasant, timely, friendly, and knowledgeable. His staff, however, were somewhat rude to me about matters of insurance, not to mention the fact that they told me my appointment was at 9:00 only to tell me when I got there that I wasn't scheduled until 1:45. That's a fairly big difference to me, seeing as how I live 110 miles from the hospital and I had made other plans.

In related news, Dr. Haynes basically just hit me with a hammer a bunch, poked me a bit, asked me a ton of questions, and then told me I'm pretty much healthy except for a deficiency in vitamins D and B12, which the supplements are going to fix. Vitamin D comes from sunlight and vitamin B12 comes from meat, so no surprises there. (I'm not a vegetarian, but I used to be and I still don't eat a whole lot of meat.)

So yeah, it's starting to seem really close. I've got two more appointments before I start by pre-op liquid diet. I am probably not going to be fun to be around during that phase... I know it's a mistake, but I can't help but think of these next few days as the last time I'll ever get to enjoy food again. I noticed that I've gained a pound. :(

Peace out.

My 3.5 hour education class took place today. I overslept (of course!) and found out exactly how fast I can get from bed to Federal Way (51 minutes, with a bit of speeding). I bet I could cut 4 minutes off that if I could skip the toll and avoid bottlenecking at the I-5 onramp... hah, ANYways.

I learned a whole bunch very quickly and got approximately seven billion pages of literature. Seriously. I'm not allowed to lift 5 pounds after surgery, so how to they expect me to read these instructions? I'm kidding... sorta.

I've noticed lately that I'm rapidly becoming obsessed with this surgery. I guess that's a good thing, or at least better than being blasé about it. But it's gotten to where I have trouble finding topics of conversation other than the surgery, which becomes especially apparant when I'm speaking with one of the few of my close friends who don't know yet about the surgery. Not a whole lot else to talk about... :/

Kind of on the same line, I was talking to Dad the other day, and he goes "Hey, you don't mind that I signed up for some support website so I can ask questions and stuff, do you?" And I said "Heck no, Techno, which one?" Surprise! It's this one. (Hi Dad!) Also, upon signing in here on my mom's computer, I found I had to sign out of her user name (Hi Mom!)

In other news, I have 6 days, 21 hours and 29 minutes left in my life to have a normal diet. Not that I'm keeping track or anything.

Today's post won't be all too detailed. I'm still kinda out of it. Got my EGD done today. I was really nervous for this step - really did not want to do it at all. They scheduled me for 10:00a, but I didn't get seen until nearly noon. I got hooked up to all the needles and whatnot, got into the room, and was asked to lay down on my left side. Next thing I knew, it was 12:30 and I was doing that weird mumbley thing I always do when I'm fresh out of anesthesia. I asked them what they'd found and they said there were a couple problems like heartburn and some esophageal thing, but that it's all normal. I didn't get the impression that it's going to interfere with the surgery but we'll see. I actually don't remember that part too well... but my dad has all the paperwork they gave us so I'll figure it out, haha.

My throat still hurts and I'm still just the teeniest bit loopy. It is now my intention to play video games for several hours.

I had five appointments today - one of them, titled simply "Radiology" actually consisted of bloodwork, cardiopulmonary exams, an ultra sound, and a chest X-Ray. It didn't help that the appointment was for 6:45 AM, which is normally just about bedtime. In fact, I fell asleep at 3:45 and woke up at 4:30. Suffice to say that I was a little grumpy today. Luckily, all my doctors and nurses were incredibly friendly and made it easy to get through all the poking, prodding, zapping, scanning, and breathing into a tube.

I also went through the psychological evaluation with no sleep. I don't think it turned out bad. I had to talk about the issues I had with depression during high school, and of course that doesn't just go away - I still struggle with it, but l think I came across as stable enough for the surgery. I guess there's a possibility the psychologist will recommend some counseling post surgery, which might not be such a bad thing. I've got to get my own self under control in every way.

One month from right now I'll be spending the night at my dad's house, scared out of my mind for the next morning but excited too. It's so soon. I think about it every time I eat a meal - soon my whole life is going to change. Everything I stress about these days - the pain in my knee, difficulties with public transportation, the social hassles of being unable to participate in athletics - will be replaced with new stresses - eating healthy, being aware of nutritional content, avoiding sugars and dairy...

I'm ready for this, I think. I still have work to do to prepare myself emotionally, but I'm on the right track and I feel happy with every decision I've made so far. Even when it sucks, it's awesome.

Okay, it's once again been a very long time since I posted. I want to write a fairly long update on where I've been.

I've been busy since my last post, with a new job, planning for grad school, and various instances of drama within my friends and family. But in regards to the WLS, for a long time, not a lot happened. I've still yet to have another appointment with Dr. Oh. The last one happened around the middle of spring quarter, and after that, things got nuts with finals and stuff. By the time I was free enough to consider scheduling my endoscopy, my mom had spoken with insurance, who said that under no circumstances would they preauthorize my surgery without a five-year weight and diet history. This is information that I certainly do not have, as I

• rarely visit the doctor
• did not know my own weight at any point between the ages of 14 and 20
• did not consult a doctor before, during, or after any diet I tried.

So at that point, I thought all was lost. During that time, I came to discover how emotionally attached I had become to the idea of surgery and how much it hurt that I wasn't going to be receiving it. For the past month, I've been struggling with all my old issues of depression, magnified by the loss of the hope I had garnered under the promise of WLS.

While visiting home last week, my mom mentioned that I had gotten some mail from St. Francis Hospital. I very nearly didn't open it, assuming that it was some letter asking me where I'd gone and why I hadn't scheduled my endoscopy yet.

Instead, it was a piece of paper with the following information:

Radiology	07-25-08
Psychological Evaluation	07-25-08
EGD	08-01-08
Pre-surgery Education Class	08-04-08
Internal Medicine Clearance	08-06-08
Last Office Visit	08-11-08
Pre-op	08-11-08
Surgical Procedure (LGBP)	08-26-08
1-week follow-up	09-03-08

I couldn't believe it. I was floored. I had all but decided that the surgery wasn't happening, that it had been too good to be true anyways, and that if I ever did get another chance to lose the weight, it would be years and years down the line. Not five weeks.

Nevertheless, I still retained a healthy amount of skepticism. I don't trust insurance people as far as I can throw them, and I knew that if they could come up with any way to screw me, they would. So I called Dr. Oh's office and left a message, essentially telling them what insurance had told us and asking how they expected me to pay for this. They called back a few days later telling me that I did not have to receive preauthorization with my type of insurance, and to call back if I wanted more information.

Naturally, I called back. I'm not going to disregard my insurance company's blatant refusal to approve my surgery, because if I get through this process and find that they won't pay for it, I'm screwed. I already have student loans to pay back, I can't afford this. I told them what my insurance company had said and they agreed to call to double check. I'm still waiting to hear back. I plan to call on Thursday if I haven't heard anything by then.

Once again, this has brought up a lot of emotions. I've never considered myself to be very in-touch with my emotions when compared with my peers. I'm much more analytic than most and I definitely have trouble understanding people, even my own self. So I don't exactly have the words to say what I'm feeling right now. I'm partly thrilled, partly terrified.

A small part of me feels defeated. I know it's a completely false perception, but I know a lot of people see WLS as a cop-out - a lazy way out of what is mostly a psychological problem. While I don't agree with this sentiment by any means, I do have a sense that I've failed in some way. The 10% I was supposed to lose? I doubt I've lost ten pounds. I got frustrated. If I was capable of losing weight without the surgery, I thought, why would I be getting the surgery?

I am happy to be doing this. But it's scary, too. In fact, that's an understatement. It's downright terrifying. There are a lot of things I like about my life right now, and I'm afraid that EVERYTHING is going to change once I'm on the other side of surgery. Some good things are going to change, too, aren't they? I don't know. I think it'll all be worth it in the end. That doesn't mean I don't freak out a little bit every time I see that I'm another day closer.

40 days until surgery. Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow.

Okay, I realize it's only been a couple days since my last post, but I feel like this is important enough to warrant further discussion.

I've gotten started losing my 40 pounds. I went shopping today for the type of foods I gather are "losing weight" type foods. Dr. Oh told me no more sugar, but I wound up getting mostly fruit. However, I did vastly limit my purchase of fat, carbs, and most other "bad" stuff. I did cave, though, and pick up some chicken chow mein. Ohhh, it's going to be hard to give up Chinese food.

On that note, I've also decided to partially resume my vegetarian diet, i.e. no more red meat. This means no more red meat again, ever, because after the surgery, I guess it can kill you. Maybe that's melodramatic, but red meat is immoral and kind of disgusting when you think about it anyways, so cutting it out shouldn't be that big a problem.

I think I can do this... Or at least, I //think// I think I can do this. I just have to train myself to think about what I eat. All. The. Time. For the rest of my life. And also figure out when/where I can exercise where nobody can see me. I wonder if any gyms are open 24 hours? Sigh. Did I mention I wish I didn't have to do this?

P.S. One more item for my to-do list: take my "before" picture. SCARY.

Today was my first appointment with Dr. Oh. The consultation was brief but informative. I found out my weight for the first time in many many years today. I've always hated knowing my weight, so I never look at the scale when they weigh me at the doctor's. So it was with great reluctance that I glanced at the scale today: exactly 400 lbs. Ouch. But at least I know now, and I have a clear direction.

I went into the nurses office and was taken through the typical questions. "Smoke? No. Drink? No. Drugs? No. Pregnant? No. Allergies? No. High blood pressure? No. High cholesterol? No." Etc. etc. etc. She took my blood pressure and walked me through what Dr. Oh would be discussing.

While waiting for Dr. Oh, my dad and I were talking about the type of surgery I might want to get. As expected, he told me it would have to be my decision. Sometimes I wish people would just tell me what to do, haha.

Dr. Oh was very friendly and only made me feel a little uncomfortable. I think that was simply due to the fact that it's an uncomfortable topic for me, and my self-esteem is shot in general. Like I thought, he told me I was in the "very high" BMI range. He took me through the same list of questions (is it some rule that all doctors have to ask the same questions 91859080948 times?) and we started discussing options for which surgery I'd want to pick. Dr. Oh made some good suggestions, and I think I've settled on Proximal Gastric Bypass. I need to do a little more research, but it seems like the best option for my situation.

The doctor told me I need to lose 10% of my weight before surgery, or he's going to have to do an open procedure. If that's not incentive, I don't know what is. 40 pounds, though, is sounding more and more impossible as I think about it.

I guess I have practically the best insurance in the world for this, because they said I don't even have to get pre-approved, and they can schedule me as early as July. Has anyone else had experience with Blue Cross Blue Shield Federal?

They filled me in on the details of the scope procedure I have to have. It sounds unpleasant and I hope they'll knock me out cold for about nine days before and after the procedure. I'm a wimp.

As we were leaving the building, a kind man stopped us and warned us to call our insurance company anyways, because he was told the same thing (he didn't tell us what kind of insurance he had) and then insurance denied his claim. He's been working on this process for two years, and I could tell how frustrated he was.

So, in summary, the next items on my to-do list are:
• Call Blue Cross to make absolutely sure they're going to cover me.
• Schedule my scope so they can stare at my insides for a while
• Get started losing 40 pounds

I know we've come so far
But we've got so far to go.
I know the road seems long,
But it won't be long 'till it's time to go!

I've just gotten home from the informational seminar with Dr. Oh. After hearing what he had to say, I'm a little scared. I'm not exactly having second thoughts - I'm still pretty set that I want to have the surgery. But sitting there among all those people listening to all the things that could potentially go wrong... it kind of hit home. I realize that the doctor has to inform us of the worst, even to the point of scaring us a bit. It's gotten me wishing, though, that I didn't have to make this choice. Why the heck wasn't I born with a metabolism like that of some of my friends?

I've got some more information about the types of surgery too. I'm scared of the actual gastric bypass. I want to be able to slip up a little bit and not get violently sick. I don't want to give up EVERY bit of milk and sugar. That would be sad.

I kind of liked the sound of the Duodenal switch. I guess it's the most expensive one, but it sounds the best. 70% excess weight lost, no food restrictions, and no getting sick.

Realistically, though, I'll probably get the Lap-Band. I think I have the willpower to handle the extra responsibility that comes with not getting sick after eating sugar. After all, I was vegetarian for two years, as a weight loss effort. I stopped when my weight loss plateaued for over four months, but I did it.

I haven't made any decision as to the type of surgery yet. I could even decide to do the Roux-en-Y. I've got a lot of thinking to do. But I'm hoping to schedule my consultation with Dr. Oh soon. Hm. How did other people decide?

As they say, begins with a single step.

Hi, my name's Rochelle, and I'm 20 years old. I've been fat my whole life, so far as I can remember. I was viciously made fun of all through elementary school and beyond. It got so bad that around the fourth grade I developed severe depression. As a consequence, I began to eat more and got fatter at an alarming rate. At the time, I was still playing soccer and softball, and was being consistently told by doctors that I needed to "grow into" my current weight. I never understood what that was supposed to mean.

When I was fourteen, I was having a very hard time adjusting to certain *ahem* feminine practices. Namely, my periods were miserable. Every month, I would turn into a horrible, violent, demon-girl because of the pain and the mood swings. I began taking Depo Provera, despite the warnings that the drug caused weight gain in a large percentage of users. Well, my period stopped completely, and I gained 100 pounds in just 2 years. I've been over 300 ever since.

I don't know my exact weight. Up until now, I've tried very hard to stop caring about it. "It's just a number," I told myself, all the while trying not to care when they could no longer weigh me at the doctor's office, as their scales go up to only 350 pounds. When forced to guess at my weight, I usually give an estimate of 380, but I don't know.

Since I was about 16, my parents and a few other family members have been trying to convince me to get WLS. My dad's cousin and her husband got WLS several years ago and had enormous success. But I never wanted to do it. I couldn't accept the lifelong repercussions of such a permanent decision. I like food, dangit!

It wasn't until a few months ago that I started really considering it. In June of 2007, I injured my knee fairly badly, shattering my meniscus and straining my ACL... by the simple act of trying to step onto a rope. Too much weight on my right leg and BOOM, it bends the wrong way and I have to worry about it every day for the rest of my life, despite 3 months of physical therapy and medication. I think that was my first slap in the face telling me that there are more and worse lifelong repercussions involved if I remain at my current weight (or greater.) I have a family history of diabetes, heart problems, breathing problems, hypertension, and assorted muscular and bone problems. While I haven't been myself diagnosed with any of these problems as of yet, they are very real threats to my well-being.

More than that, I desperately want to walk across campus without breaking out a sweat. I want to be able to go to grad school. I want to be able to fly on a plane. I want to sit on a bus without apologizing to the person sitting next to me. I want to know that I can get a teaching job and not be at risk of being discriminated against for my size. I want to SHOP! I want these bright red painful spots where my skin rubs against itself occasionally to go away forever. I want guys to look at me and see a girl, and not a FatGirl. I want to experience what's left of my youth without feeling like it's been wasted on worrying about these things.

For these reasons, and more, I've decided to get weight loss surgery. I've heard nothing but good things about Dr. Ki Oh, and he's based just a few miles from my hometown. I'm attending an information seminar on Wednesday, January 16, 2008, and from there, I want to schedule a consultation by the end of January. As for the date of my surgery, I'd like to be able to say I could get it at the end of Winter quarter, in late March. Realistically, I'll probably need to wait until Spring quarter is over, which would put my surgery in mid June. That also gives me the summer to work at my desk job and learn to eat again before I have to resume school. Besides, how cool would it be to show up to school 3 months post-op and have lost 80 pounds?

I'm not anticipating any difficulties with insurance. I'm covered under my parents still, and my mom has Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Dr. Oh is listed as one of the approved doctors, and with a BMI of 55 or 60-ish, I don't think anyone's going to be denying that I need it... right?

So, if you're reading this, my apologies for the long-windedness. I keep a personal blog as well, and I definitely like to talk! I hope to document my experience with the system every once in a while, up to including when I reach my goal weight of 170. Good night!