Food = Emotion??

Sep 26, 2012

I'm struggling right now.

Although I've been switched to soft foods, that doesn't make the longing for other foods any easier. Today at the office, we had a business meeting for which lunch was catered.  What did they have?  Chick-Fil-A.  And, as tradition stands, if there is still food remaining after the business folk get their lunch, then the rest of us vultures swoop in and snag the rest of it. 

Only....I can't be a vulture anymore.  They have nuggets, fries, cookies, brownies, salad and coleslaw (fortunately THAT doesn't tempt me).  Not to mention sweet tea!

And so now I'm wanting to cry because....i want chick fil a.  I just want a nugget or two.  But I know I can't because of it being fried.  

Last night my doc had a great support group meeting and some of the other post op folks that were there were talking about how they've had these really strong feelings of "oh my gosh what have I done?" and ...I haven't.  I DID have the "am I sure this is the right decision" minutes before I went under the knife, but I've not really had the other thought process...at least that I remember.  But right now....I'm definitely having it.  I'm struggling with the fact that I could be having fried chicken nuggets and sweet chocolate brownies and chocolate chip cookies, not to mention BBQ sauce and fries, with sweet tea to wash it down. 

I tried reviewing my few photos of my physical changes since my surgery, but its only been three weeks so A) there aren't many photos and B) i'm not that different.  I shouldn't expect a HUGE change, but it just adds salt to the wound, I guess.

So I decided I was going to go on a walk outside because it was very fried food smelling in here and I was getting more and more depressed by the minute because I couldn't have any of the chick fil a, but then it started pouring.  Talk about raining on my parade, eh? 

I'm already struggling with eating enough and getting in my liquids.  But I am at least able to take three or four good swallows from my water bottle and not get ill or feel overly full, so that helps me catch up. 

I don't know.  i'm just venting, i guess.  Food shouldn't have such a dramatic hold over me.  *I* should be in control of the food, not the other way around.  Food is inanimate.  Food is fuel, not a friend.  at least...not anymore. 

I also think I would be felling less emotional if I would've dropped more on the scales.  I'm only down to 221.8 from 236.4 when I had surgery.  14.5 lbs in three weeks is great, but...what if I should be losing more but am not because I'm doing something wrong? 

Oh wait.  I am.

exercise. 

I hate walking on the treadmill as it is, but its been raining, or I've thrown out my back, or I've been nauseated...it's always something!

I just need to do it.  I've done everything else.  Why is this one little thing holding me back??  I have 3 weeks until my next doctor's appointment.  three weeks.  it would be nice if I could drop another 15 in that time period.  Think that's realistic?  I don't know.  I've never done this before (and I don't plan to do it again!  This is my ONE shot at permanent lifestyle change for a happier, healthier me!) so I don't know what is "normal" weight loss.  They say I'll lose the bulk of my weight within the first 6 - 9 months, but at what rate?  If i have 88-90 lbs left to lose, that's more than 10 lbs a month at 9 months since I'm already 3 weeks in. 

Oh well.  Enough ranting and moaning.  Someone DID say it was Wine Wednesday....but I don't think they meant WHINE wednesday. 

PS: I just ate a cracker.  OMG it was delicious.  yay salt!

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