Sarah C.
The truth of the matter...
Feb 05, 2013
Maybe it should be "The truth is the matter" but that's far too deep for me to consider at 6:15 this morning.
I'm having issues. I could say I'm having issues with food, with my new diet, with my new body, with my boyfriend, with my family...but what I'd really be saying is...I'm having issues with myself and I'm placing blame everywhere else and that's not fair to anyone including me.
This is the most insecure I've felt in a really, really long time. I think I'm going through the phase of "man, this is real. i'm succeeding at something" and I get to this point and then suddenly i'm like...whoa, must self sabotage because I am not worth succeeding. Yes, that is my problem. I don't think I'm worth it. Now, please don't comment with things like "you're totally worth it" because you think that's what I need to hear. it's nice, don't get me wrong, and I DO appreciate it. but I'm the one that needs to tell myself that, not everyone else. In my head, hearing it from everyone else just makes it that much harder because I have put myself into this mental place where no matter what people say, my internal chatterbox twists it around and makes it a complete and total lie. Example: Boyfriend sends text at 2:55 this morning and says "Sorry I didn't say goodnight. phone died. Jess (his ex who is in a long term relationship) called with an emergency and I didn't get home until 245. I'll call you later and tell you about it. it's very bad." Now...this could be anything!! but what does my head do?? My head twists this into "Sorry I didn't say good night. I didn't get home until 245 because I was out fucking another girl. I'm only saying I'll call to tell you about the "emergency" because I want it to be a believable story so you won't know the truth." What has he done to deserve this sort of doubt? Nothing. at least not that I'm aware. but I shouldn't even say that! yet...I do. and then I wonder....will I be like this with everyone I date? Because if so, THEY are better off without me.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? and it's like this with EVERYTHING. My boss tells me I'm doing a great job but she wants to take things off my plate because I'm overloaded and I think its because she wants to learn my job since i'm the only one that knows a lot of what I do and she's going to fire me because I'm not good at what I do. I was fucking employee of the year in 2011...the first one EVER.
I am currently the lowest weight I remember. Period. I've lost more than half my excess body weight and yet, because I've stalled, I'm a failure. I'm going to the gym. I'm getting in much of my protein. I'm having issues with sweets and veggies...no different than before, but I KNOW that is the self sabotage. Did I mention I haven't eaten dinner since Saturday? It's wednesday. I have a shake for breakfast (that's how I get in much of my protein) and likely a lean cuisine for lunch, if that. I had peanut butter on sunday and I was so nauseated, watching a carousel on TV gave me motion sickness. I had to turn away.
I'm not asking "why did I do this??" I'm asking "Why did I think I was worth it in the first place?" and why is it so damned hard to find a reason to consider myself "worth it." I have nothing to show for my life. truly. I have no kids, am not married, have a cop out degree, a dead end job, am bankrupt and have no confidence to change any of it.
I used to have to say "Yes, I took a breath. That is success." and follow that up with "Yes, I took another breath. Two successes in a row." now....I tell myself "Wow stupid, breathing is involuntary. You can't count that as success."
first step, they say, is admitting you have a problem. I have a problem. I need to fix it. I can't be ashamed of it. I've suffered from depression for a LONG LONG time and sometimes what was working no longer does.
Side note: my new blu ray player is wifi and has a yoga channel. maybe i should start doing that. it may help with my stress levels. I simply can't deal with anything at this point.
I am strong. I am beautiful. I am lost and don't know where to find the non-broken person I am. I don't even know where to begin. I thought this surgery would help me find that person, and maybe i am on the right road, but this stage is just a slight detour.
I need goals. something to work towards. something all my own. I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I don't want to cheat myself, either, and set goals that are too low or too easily achievable. I had one goal. get to 170 before my 32nd birthday which is in 4 weeks. it WAS 10.6 lbs. now it's 11.8. why did i go up?? and is my stomach growling or is it gas? I can't tell anymore.
and now I ask....anyone else experiencing complete and total chaos with emotions?? I swear i'm worse than a pregnant woman.
which reminds me...I obviously am not succeeding at life because I can't even take a pregnancy test and get a result. positive OR negative. who does that?! Me obviously. I'm on the depo shot and haven't had a period (well, one) in over 24 months. the odds of me getting pregnant are very slim...
I'm such an emotional wreck. Guess I'll hit the forums and see about major depression striking after surgery.
