Youth, Beauty, and PCOS

Aug 08, 2010

 Well, it's been a long time since I updated.

It's been almost 8 months. I'm down from a size 28 pants to a size 16. Family tells me I no longer look "obese" at all, although I'm still in that BMI category.

Had a 10 year high school reunion and felt great that I looked better now than I did back then. It was shocking to see high school photos of myself as fatter than I am now. I did not realize that this is the smallest I have been except for around age 13-14 when I was briefly an average weight.

A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries Disorder (PCOS), and basically found out that it is a hormonal imbalance that causes obesity among other things right about around puberty. I thought I had it, which is why I went to a specialist for it.  I had all the symptoms. I did indeed have it and saw the ovaries on my cysts on a sonogram. I'm now on medication for it to fix the imbalance and make my metabolism more "normal."

I thought finding out about having PCOS would answer a lot of questions and that I would finally feel like I knew the reasons I struggled so much. I thought I would be more at peace about it. Instead, I went through a phase of bitterness. It wasn't too deep, but I basically felt that I was robbed of my youth due to this thing that doctors never told me I had. Not to be arrogant, but I have always felt that I possess movie-star beauty, but I was never able to reveal it due to overwhelming fat. I felt like a total failure my whole life, because while I succeeded at most things, I could never succeed at losing weight. My doctor told me that PCOS patients drive personal trainers crazy because they can do the same routine as others and the weight does not come off or comes off extremely slowly.

As a teen, about 14, I went to the doctor for these PCOS symptoms: obesity, and irregular periods on several different occasions. Instead of being diagnosed properly, I was given birth control pills and a weight loss pill that actually caused depression and never actually worked.  I do not blame the doctor, because I know that medical technology has come farther since then, but I still felt that I missed out completely on many things in youth that other females take for granted. Now I know I should count my blessings. I am on the medication now, and there are many worse things that I could have been diagnosed with. This syndrome is not likely to affect conception as long as I am on the medication, or so my doctor believes.

I still have some lingering feelings of bitterness, in particular toward my teen experience. I was bright and beautiful but never given a chance by my male peers. If I was not ignored completely, I found myself as "one of the guys" due to having 3 brothers. I am thankful to have found a true love that loved me at 320lbs and loves me now. I feel that at least I will never wonder if he wanted me for looks or personality. For him it was both, because I was beautiful to him from the start. At 320lbs, I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and he singlehandedly boosted my body image confidence. A girl who previously could not stand without self-consciously tugging at shirt fronts, or crossing arms over fat rolls, I was always at ease with him, even in the most vulnerable and intimate of states. It's strange but I feel that his un-shallowness is being rewarded now, as I morph into a more idealized form of beauty.

I am 27 years old. I had no health problems as of yet and my weight was getting out of control. I did this so I could have a healthy pregnancy in the future, increase my lifespan, and reduce chances of potential problems and diseases in the future. There are many at my support group and on these forums that say they're only doing it for health. I've even heard those say they're not doing it for looks, as though that were something to be ashamed of. I will unabashedly say that I am definitely doing it for looks. My youth pretty much coming to an end, I want to look as sexy as I can, while I can. Who doesn't feel great when they look great? The two go hand in hand, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

And right now I feel pretty darn good.



1 Comment

About Me
The Colony, TX
Location
28.2
BMI
VSG
Surgery
12/17/2009
Surgery Date
Aug 12, 2009
Member Since

Friends 46

Latest Blog 19

×