Selendrile

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So last Sunday I returned from Virginia again...

So I begin my story:

I just took a four hour bus ride with my knee throbbing still in pain from running to the bus in the first place.  I slowly walk a distance to the 6 train and continue walking when I emerge from the subway on the way to the apartment.  A block away from the apartment I encounter my uncle who is, I am assuming, on his way to take care of my grandmother.  Since he is the only one that can lift her.

Let me explain, usually instead of keeping my uncle imprisioned within the house, we watch her, but when the stomach starts hurting we give him a call.  So as I was saying my uncle was on the way to the apartment, probably to take care of my grandmother, I see a lady in a wheelchair at the elevator door, and I with my things cannot fit into the elevator.  I decide to take the stairs as my uncle in front of me has, he holds the door open for me to enter first......And THAT is where it all goes wrong....

My first mistake was entering first, still in my mind I was thinking he has to go take care of grandma, so he would be in a rush.... That is my second mistake... because that makes me want to hurry not wanting my grandmother to soil herself, or be in alot of pain.  

So with a bag strapped to my back a bag in each hand I begin to hurry up the stairs. Third and final mistake... I heard it... nay I SAW it... it might sound like the cheesiest thing ever but as I heard it within my body, I saw it like a flash of CGI like in House or CSI when they show detailed features.

I heard a crack, a pop and I could hear a tear, within my body it wasnt a sound i heard with my ears, and I went down, yelling in the staircase not caring or embarassed at who heard my scream.  My uncle asked me if i was okay, and the person that I am so that I wouldnt hold him up in the staircase said, "yes I'm okay, go on ahead."  Then it took me twenty minutes to walk about five feet to the door.  

So I goto sit on the couch and just sit it out, my aunt over the phone is telling me to goto the emergency room, but I have never been tothe emergency room by myself, so funny that, i was afraid to go.  After scolding me on my nature, which is putting other people before me, I need to start putting 'me' first she says... easier said than done,  I convinced myself that I will be fine if I lay down for a few, in which case I hobbled down the hallway to my room. 

After laying for a moment I noticed that every movement hurt beyond imagination, I had the urge to use the restroom, another brilliant mistake.  Upon standing my knee buckled and with nothing to hold me back I landed back onto my bed... but not before hitting the cement wall with full force with my head.  Thus, knocking the proverbial sense into me, and I decided as I saw stars that I need to goto the emergency room.

I somehow made it to the street corner, hailed a cab to the hospital.  Where I was given no pain medication, an xray, and an immobilizing brace.  "your knee is normal"  he said, and sent me on my way with an appointment on monday.  NY hospitals what can I say.....

Luckily at home I still had the entire bottle of vicodin that I never used from the WLS surgery...  yay!
I had one that night and one the next day but haven't had need for it after that.  I am wearing my brace everyday, and have been walking on it very slowly, and carefully.  (Which did not stop me in the least from enjoying the puertorican festival on saturday)  W00t !  Trust me my calves are paying the price today. 

I have my appointment tomorrow..... well....today... in six hours.  LOL

I posted a couple of photos, I've never posted photos before so i'm psyched.   wheeee! lol ^_^
And I'm going to bed.

Well Monday was memorial day....
i had my first drink after surgery, actually it was a sip of one... It tasted great, it was the new Bacardi Dragonberry in crystal light fruit punch.... and one drink was enough... Punch Drunk Love indeed.  lol

I wasn't a drinker before the surgery, I certainly am not one now. 

So yes the cat is stuck in a plastic bag, but it's so cute ^_^...
It's my cousins cat, but she loves me more... well considering I take care of her more than my cousin does....=o/  you should have seen the dreads this cat used to have because she was never brushed....

I stayed on diet at the bbq we had.   I kept to the meat and brought my own crystal light.  So I was like yay me!  and it was a lot of walking because I went to Queens for it.

I downloaded the 'core' dance exercise thingy.  I am going to try that out.  I need to get moving because I dont feel like I've lost any weight.  I have to say 'feel' because I do not have a scale.  I ordered a Dr. Rey shaper thingy upper, dont you just love my vocabulary?  lol ... for my lower half.  I saw someone talk about it in the forum that it works awesome.  So i got one on ebay.  We'll see what happens I dont like tight clothes but alot of my weight is around my belly, and I dont want it going like mega jiggly on me.

I am going to VA on Thursday.  Hopefully I can do alot of my assignments before I go because omg this class is KILLER.  Makes me want to cry.   

I bought a pink bandana.  So I was trying to do some Victory rolls in my hair today, and I noticed alot of hair falling out.  =o/   So it's happened to me.  well i knew it would, but wow  =o/  after fifteen minutes of messing with my hair, the sink was covered in hair   >_<   doubling up on biotin !!

Super depressing.
Trying to find a job.  But its rather useless in this economy.  There is no one hiring.
No one at all.

=o/  blah.

WEIGHT:
I have to get on a scale soon to see how far along I am.  I dont have one myself and right now its not in my budget, so I think maybe of just going to the pcp to just get weighed.

RELATIONSHIPS:
Still not talking to me. =o/  Sadness.

SCHOOL:
SCREAAAAAAAAAMMMMM!   This one class CRAZY. 24 Labs, 50+Review Questions, 2 Case studies, 2 Reflections, 2 Discussions, 1 Quiz, 1 Research Paper: 1 CLASS for 1 Week!  Will it be worse Next Week!?  OMG shoot myself.

OH:
I met someone from OH, who I shall keep nameless, because it has occured to me that I'm not sure if they want to be named or not.  ^_^  Anyway Got some of her old clothes which were loverly.  I was lucky to get them.  I also got a shower chair for my grandmother, from said person,  which is a complete lifesaver.  So Thank you so much.

DIET:
Blah its a struggle, I stole a dorito chip from my five year old cousin, and I was totally regretting it.  It feels like I'm getting alot more hungry alot more often, but I'm fighting it off with my chobani yogurt.  I dunno still a little disconcerting.

EXERCISE:
Just walking, recently with the homework I just don't have the time.  Which really is no excuse, but so far I've walked to my aunt's house on west side a couple of times.  Arm lifts and stuff... but i dunno doesnt seem to help.

Soooo today
I decided to walk to my aunt's house....
She lives on the far west side, and I on the far east side...
I live in the 100's and she lives in the 50's....

Sooooo
needless to say I am in a lot of pain...
BUT I DID IT!!!

50+ blocks, 12 Avenues. To get there, I fixed her computer,
Had my hair cut really really short... and then walked back.

I used MapMyWalk to measure the distance, 7.61 miles! 
egads is right!!

I can feel my knee throbbing, I am icing it, and i took two sleepy time tylenols to hopefully get ready for the pain to come.  So now I am going to go pass out becauuuseee ya... i need to, it's 3 am.... 

I realized now that I dont have any photo's up, so I might post them tomorrow, Im not a big picture fan so I dont have many, we'll see.... but I'll try to get one of my haircut... it's cute!  Donating the hair to locks of love again.  Hmm I think that's it. 

Oh my 'friend' messaged me the other day, it was really awkward on the computer... he was trying to be 'jovial' but it's like if you're going to keep 'ignoring' me there's nothing that will make me feel better, I'm still hurt and it still hurts 

It's late i'm going to get to bed. 

I am so bad at blogging.
=o/
i promise an update and it takes forever for me to give one, and in the meantime everything has changed and then reverted back.  So after the last post, a few days after this friend had asked for me to come back and visit him, since I was still in Virginia at the time, it was two hours away, I did.  We had a good time, a really good time, and I thought he enjoyed himself a lot, he said how he liked being around me and how I made him feel good.  Where he could be himself and be fine.  Which to be honest means alot to me, it makes me feel better that someone can be themselves around me.

Unfortunately the next day I was leaving on the Chinese bus, so I had to leave that night, I drove home, which is two hours away >_<.  Falling asleep at the wheel I would blink and be over three lanes in traffic... not cool I know.  Luckily, I made it home.  I wanted to stay and drive out early but I knew me I would have dragged it out and left really late.  

So everything's fine for two weeks.  Now last Friday I got a call from my school telling me that I had problems with my taxes and if I didn’t get them done and fixed my FAFSA that I wouldn’t have the money for the school year.  I had to make an emergency trip to VA, because my tax person is there. 

So on Sunday I see him online and I tell him about the situation, and that I might be up there again,  Maybe I can see him again or something, we can go see a movie.  I was excited to go see  the Wolverine movie (even though I heard it's horrible, I'm a nerd I love comics and my man gambit is there!  =oO they had better not mess him up) anyway I had thought maybe 'I would invite him to that. 

I didn’t realize it at the time but I got a offhand comment, that I just didn’t see..... I didn't see it because I thought everything was fine.  Monday comes along, I emailed him, and left a text message, my usual stuff, "hope you're having a good day".  Stuff we had been mutually doing for a couple of days.  Tuesday, I emailed him again just a friendly talk of the day email, Wednesday, I emailed him that I was in the area, and asked him if he wanted to see a movie, that I'd really like to see him.

It wasn't until Wednesday late night, that I realized..... I haven't heard from him since Sunday.... At first I didn’t think about it, I figured he was just busy, but he's been busy before and he's at least said something to me.  Sometimes he just messages a 'goodnight'  or at least replies to my emails. 

I turned in my assignment for class and emailed him a copy, thanking him for his help. 
Still nothing.... So I called, leaving a message wondering if he was okay....

Come Friday night.... I see that he is online..
I message... 'hi'
'hey i was watching house'

.............
seriously?!?

I asked him if he was okay
he said yes, asked me if i was okay
I said fine, I said I was wondering if he was okay because he hadn’t said anything to me in a while.
silence
more awkward silence

I posted a link to my assignment website
he said it looked good.

REALLY?!?!
SERIOUSLY??!?
I guess I had my answer, I guess he was avoiding me....
for what reason.. I have no idea....
what'd I do??
Probably nothing…

That really was the end of the conversation, he said he had to work, and he needed to goto bed.
That is the last time I heard from him...
It could be one of his moments but damn I didn’t do anything….

Thing is I have a feeling I know what happened…. He talked to one of co’s.  I know because he mentioned it.  It’s the same guy who everytime he talks to he does this.  He said to me his CO told him that he should print cards with his name and phone number on it and hand them out to girls.  When he said that to me, I felt it in the pit of my stomach that I was going to be ignored again, he was going to have one of his "walkaway"moments. 

So in a way I’m not surprised but… I thought he trusted himself more.  You know the funny thing is that I don’t even CARE that he starts dating other people.  I know that sounds funny, and it even sounds crazy to me but, I have this slightly renewed confidence, well I never had it before so this new confidence.  In my head I think, go ahead try and find someone like me, I am special, you will not find someone as caring as me, as patient as me.  

I care about him, but if he’s happier with someone else, I am okay with that.  I can’t say it won’t hurt, because I’d be lying, but as long as he was happy I would be okay with that.  What I can’t understand is why you would treat me like crap, by just ignoring me, avoiding me….

What kills me is that he should know better than to take advice from him… I mean the guy told him, that he should wait to meet someone he liked and that I should go off with someone who will like my size.   He ignored it and invited me, and we had an amazing time.  Again the guy gives him advice, he ignored it again and a few more days of awesomeness  He even kissed me for the first time, he said if I don’t do this I’ll regret it… and he kissed me, my knees almost gave out, I teetered like top, all I could breathe out was "wow"............. But I wonder if he regrets it now…

I’d love to say that I am over it… but I’m not….  But I will pretend to… I’m good at that at least… I’ve always been good at pretending… Most of my greatest friends were imaginary….   Pretend I wasn’t fat, pretend I had friends, pretend guys liked me, pretend that the bullying, name calling, and pranks didn’t bother me…  

This relationship thing and my schooling is dragging me down, stressing me out…. I am trying soo soooo sooooo hard not to fall into bad habits, but it’s so hard…. Emotional eating and all that… 

Not proud to say it, but I’m trying to be honest, I’ve had several sips of coke.. not diet, not flat.  I am craving it like crazy!!   I’ve only done it three or four times, but I’ve felt like I’ve started slipping down a very muddy slippery slope…. Crazy thing is what I’m fighting more than just the urge is the voice telling me in my head, “well you’ve already DONE it so you might as well keep doing it.”    So it’s not the slope that’s bothering me, it’s the white clothes I’m wearing saying to myself, “Well they’re already dirty….”

I’m not a cooking person, and now it’s worse for me because, now I have to cook for less than one…. So I buy microwave chicken nuggets, along with my tuna fish, and canned chicken.  I don’t know what else to do or make or anything, I am so food’d out.  I read some recipes and it’s like that’s just too much work for just me!  Lol   and my big problem is I do NOT like leftovers… it takes a lot for me to eat something from the previous day.  This is hard… well not like I thought it was easy or going to be easy but blah…. ARRGGHHHH…

I definitely thought I would “do” better…..and I have been… I guess slip ups are normal, but you know you just can’t hope that it won’t be you.  Oh ya totally other people will slip up but not me!  Here’s my chart:

Highest Weight:  380-ish Start Weight At Surgery:  349   1st Week Post OP:  330   2nd Week Post OP: 324   3rd Week Post OP:  322   4th Week Post OP:   317   5th Week Post OP:   ---   6th Week Post OP:   307   7th Week Post OP:   ---   8th Week Post OP:   ---   9th Week Post OP:   --- 10th Week Post OP:  298

11th Week Post OP:  296 12th Week Post OP:  287 13th Week Post OP:  282 14th Week Post OP:   --- 15th Week Post OP:   --- 16th Week Post OP:  274 17th Week Post OP: 18th Week Post OP: 19th Week Post OP: 20th Week Post OP:

 

The slashes are for times I haven’t weighed myself… not that  I haven’t lost any.. because if I hadn’t then I’d just post the weight anyway.   I had an MRI last Tuesday I go next week for the results… I hope to get my knee brace by then.  I need to get walking again.  That is my biggest downfall, some days like today, it kills me to even get up to goto the bathroom.  Which let me explain is like two feet outside my door. 

On a separate note, I have updated my music on the dancing bear.   か わ い い で す ね。^_^  (Cute isn’t  it?) haha  Here’s a list of the updated songs.

Artist	Song
Kate Havnevik	Unlike Me
Stage	"Live Happy, Live With Anorexia"
Ayumi Hamasaki	Memorial Address Live
Matthew Ryan	Follow The Leader
We Love Katamari Soundtrack	Everlasting Love
Akira Yamaoka, Mary Elizabeth McGlynn	Room Of Angel (Silent Hill 4)
Apocalyptica Feat. Matthias Sayer	Hope Vol. 2
NEW
Regina Spektor	Samson
Rainer Maria	Tinfoil
Modest Mouse	Trailer Trash
The Postal Service	The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
Skinny Puppy	Empte
Haujobb	“Subsonic"
Dead Can Dance	The Host Of Seraphim
Oceanlab	Sirens Of The Sea (Above & Beyond)
The One Am Radio	Untied
Elliott Smith	Waltz #2
Rammstein	Mutter
Zeromancer	Famous Last Words
Natalie Walker	Color Blind
Sia	Breathe Me

 

I think that’s it though…. Quick catch up, I will try to get up to speed…. Well except complaining about my new class, soooooo muuuccchh woooorrrrkkkkk to do… like literally so much work it should be like three classes. I couldn’t even believe it.

We’ll see what happens

I originally wrote this on Tuesday April 7, 2009, I usually write things in my word document before I put them in the blog because there have been many times when my post wasn’t saved or it was erased or never posted, and I’d have to start all over. LoL  And since my recent blogs have been long winded I am utterly distraught if I lose it all.  I wrote this and a few days later the situations had changed, I dunno if I was thinking differently or if things had changed in reality.  I was debating posting this post at all, but then ya know, I did write it, and I did mean it at the time so I think I will post it.  I will write another post later today to talk about this post more and the current situation.  So with that said… Here is the Post:

 

I think I like pain....

Self abuse or something, when I know something won't happen, but I hope and go for it anyway, and only wind up being hurt.....
At the same time, without hope what's the point...

So after this awesome time I had with my friend, he messaged me yesterday telling me he had a good time, and basically that he was interested in me and spending more time with me.....

In my head I was thinking he took it too far and he's going to regret saying that, because I think he just got swept up in the moment.... because I know it always comes back to the weight.... it ALWAYS comes back to that...

but that hateful spiteful thing called 'hope' sparks up just a twinge... that maybe all that was needed was a real good time being real and open.... maybe... maybe......  being human, and emotional, and caring, and everything I'm supposed to be, maybe that's all that was needed.... maybe... maybe...... Maybe just maybe being myself is all that I needed....

I mean what is wrong with 'maybe'....

Apparently a lot of wrong when it backlashes smacking you across the face, snapping your head back reeling you back into reality where a perfect person is a size 6....and everything revolves around beauty and size, and personality is no match for either... "I wish I could meet someone with your personality..."

Which basically means.... If I can take your personality and frankenstein it into a better body, because alot of broken body parts sewn together in a freakish resemblance of a human being with your personality is better than you and your size. 

But why, WHY put myself through that??  That maybe in the small small hope that maybe he meant it...maybe things can be overlooked.... I don't want to tell him about my surgery.... Why?  So that I can hurt myself further?  And I know what you're thinking how can that hurt it further..... he won't care for me being me, he'll be waiting for the person-- actually that's not right;  he'll be waiting for the size that I'm going to be....

I wish I could cry.... I want to cry sooooo badly, but I can't....because I did this to myself.   It is my fault... Of COURSE it is!  How dare I hope to be cared about, how dare I wish that someone will overlook my faults....  Sarcasm aside it is my fault.  

I knew when he said that, he wished he could swallow his words... wished that they had never come out... he says to me that he shouldn’t care about that, and he doesn't but it keeps silently reminding him echoing in his mind.  It causes him to question himself and doubt, and confuses him and with much embarrassment acquiesces to the voice.

The echo of society telling him that fat is bad..... -gasp-  what will his friends think, what will his friends say, can he be seen in public with someone like that? Can he introduce this fat girl as his girlfriend what will they think of his ‘taste’ in women, will that  scrutinize all his other decisions? Superficial as it seems, it is what society has taught us.   He’s not with the fat girl because he loves her, cares about her, likes her personality, it must be because that’s the best he can get….

He made a comment about our friendship, that maybe our friendship will keep us 'coming back to each other'.  He's alone, he hates being alone, he needs companionship, and I've turn into a convenience.... a "better than nothing"....

I guess being alone will make anyone desperate… myself included… I am not above that… maybe it’s a mutual unconscious action, I can’t get anyone else, no one else wants me so I’m attracted to you syndrome…   In a way it’s like the other side of the coin.

He wants someone like me without the weight and I want someone like him without the weight being a problem.  He’s super intelligent, and funny, and caring, he’s a sensitive guy which I love, but I think the weight will always be a problem.  Even when I lose it, then he’ll be nagged about how he treated me.  It’s a no win situation, that I can’t help but feel lost in.

Knowing this doesn’t make it easier… and it doesn’t stop me, when it should…. Hope is hateful, and insensitive and just is hope…. Nothing definitive…. A fog and haze of unclarity, that is indescribable. 

Am I a convenience?   A better than nothing?   Have I allowed myself to be used just for human interaction, a possibility, a glimpse of hope, of humanity, of emotion?  I want to be looked at, and smiled at, to be told ‘hey I was just thinking about you’.  So I, like a prostitute, have sold myself for a compliment.

I wonder if he even noticed a difference…. If no matter what I do, he will always see me as fat…. I am literally 100lbs less than when he saw me, but not even the effort of weight loss or the view of my weight loss has changed his opinion that there is something wrong with my weight.  I wonder if I was a size six if he would notice.

The funny thing is I just want to tell him.  I wish I could be mad at him.  I wish I could yell at him and tell me how much he hurt me.  Sometimes he would say things, and not think of what he said.  I know he doesn’t realize how it comes across, but because of that they hurt worse than anything else.  I wish I could scream at him…. But I’m not mad…… Even through all that I am not mad at him, I just want to give him some advice….  Talk about some self-loathing, pain inflicted retardedness on my part….

I just want to tell him, “I want to tell you this, before you make another mistake in the future, and lose someone who cares about you.  That the next time you meet someone, that isn’t ‘all that you wanted’… I hope you give them a better chance than you gave me….”

Okay, I forgot to mention in the last post that I went bra shopping.  =oO  I know! I know!  Miracles lol I haven't bought a bra... in... I am ashamed to say -cough- four years(at least).   I had two, and they were so old they didn't really have elastic in them.  they just kind of hung there like grocery bags.  LOL  >_<  How embarrassing. 

Well, I remembered a Macy's commercial about last year saying they measured people for a bra fitting.  So I was like you know what I'm going to do that!  I never was fitted before, I didn't even really know my size, I just put whatever fit at the time.  They had a sale 2 for 40 which I thought was a deal.  So I called my aunt up, and asked if she would join me.  She couldn't go that day but we went the next, unfortunately the sale had ended.  

Anyway I will say this the lady at Macy's was mad rude, but I got my size out of it.  I am now a C cup, I used to be a DD, but this was not lost by the surgery.  Previously I lost a lot of weight on my own, and it went down from DD to a D and even when I gained the weight back I remained a D, I think this subsequent drop from D to C has been the surgery though.  

Anyway I am a 46 around, so she states, but again she was so rude and honestly I think it was because I was fat, because well you can just tell.  They get the 'oh god you cant be serious' look I just shrugged it off.  We saw some sample bra's along the wall some were pretty and some were stylish, my aunt asked if there were any like that on the wall.  She didn't answer that directly, she said, "all her bras are the bottom row on the left along the wall."  My aunt and I gave each other a look, completely understanding what she meant by that.  So we weren't surprised to see some of the ugliest granny underwear I had ever seen in my life.  I didn't even know they came in Fugly, they were worse than walmart brand granny bras.  I literally stopped in my tracks and said WTF. 

I tried to think positive, and said well maybe I need the support and to handle the side 'hamburger' as I've heard it called.  The bra's started at 70 dollars...oh hellllll no, they're ugly AND way more expensive that I could even afford.  I know all that business about 'more material' etc... I mean I wasn't fat for month, I know what it is to shop in a fat store.... but damn  no lace, no frill, no style?!?! AND 70 dollars!?!?  Oh and did I mention the didn't have my size.  I suppose when you're a 46 you're automatically assumed to have big breasts so they didn't have them in my cup size. 

My aunt suggested Kmart.   KMart!?  Seriously???  I was doomed.   I dunno about where you are, but where ever i lived KMart was Redneck trailer trash a million times worse than walmart ever was.  I expected it to be a little different because well we were in NY, but I was surprised.  It was stylish and nice and everything that it's not everywhere else.  lol  So we looked and I found the cutest bras.  My aunt told me that even if she measured me as a 46 i might be less.  I took sizes below that, I just made sure they were a C.  I actually fit into a 42, I think partly because I am 'squishy' I have noticed.  I eventually settled on this cute pink bra it was only 15 dollars... and I got it at 44C.  i figured when I did lose the weight I'd move down, no point in getting it too tight now, and getting marks and cuts on my skin and then stretch out the bra so it loses the elasticity.  It was cute, pink, had thick side supports for the big mac LOL, under-wire..... oh ya and it's cute!

Sooooo ya.... Onto the topic at hand.  I took the Chinese bus from NY to DC (love them only 35 dollars round trip and they FLY, usually a 6 hour drive we made it in 3.5)  Anyway, so I get to VA (using the metro, which was longer than the bus ride, there was a fire at the Arlington cemetery stop, this nice lady said she was going to the airport, she assumed I was because of my luggage, and she asked me if I would share a cab with her.  I told her I had no money which is the truth, she asked this other guy said he would pay half with her and she told me, if I wanted to come along that she would pay for me, I thanked her and went.  It was nice awesome cherry blossoms everywhere and we saw 5 helicopters in a caravan crossing over the bridge as we did, it was a beautiful day and we drove past the Arlington cemetery and saw all the fire trucks there, I was so glad I went.  We talked about Obama, and she showed me pictures of her helping the campaign.  It was well worth it, When we got there, I jumped back on the metro because I was past the point of accident, she rented a car, and he went to catch his flight.  I would have never done that before, I would have been too shy to say yes and sat there waiting for hours for the metro line to clear up.)  and my mother picks me up at the last metro stop in VA (luckily she didn't have to wait TOO long, it would have been worse if I didn't say yes). 

I hung out with my mother for a while, I called my friend up letting him know I was in VA.  I hadn't decided yet whether I was going that night or the next but after talking with him I was like you know, "You only live once."  I told him to wait up for me, I kissed my mother she told me to have a good time, and I drove to Hampton, about two hours away.  Unfortunately it was Spring break weekend LOL so it took a lot longer than that with all the murderous eye-gouging traffic, but he waited up.  We spent the whole night laughing, talking and joking around, the next day he was going to take me to the aquarium, which didn't end up happening.  We were so tired from staying up.  He's not used to it because he's in the navy and he's in bed by 9 and up by 4.  LOL  We just spent the time enjoying ourselves, we watched some movies, and he drove me around showing me his ship and where he used to live, and it was really nice.  Not as uncomfortable as I would have thought,  we were strangely very comfortable with each other like we had hung out a thousand times before.  AND he helped me with my homework!!!

So I was driving home yesterday, btw i miss driving >_<   wheeee going a 100 down 95.  -cough-  lol you didn't see that you can't prove a thing.  Anyway I decided to go onto route one, and I'm driving and this car is all like bothering me it's slow and fast and all sorts of impeding my speed.  We get to a light and I'm next to it, and I have my car in first gear ready to push it back into second when the light turns green.  I was thinking in my head "I am going to leave this car in the dust."  lol when all of a sudden I hear a honk... I'm like I am so not looking, I am just gonna go.  Again another honk.   I was like okay fine... lol I'll look and there before my eyes was my amazingly awesome friend that I lost touch with I almost started to cry right there LOL.   We both pulled over and ran to each other and hugged. 

We spent the next hour talking on the side of the road as cars flew past us.  Catching up.  When I moved to NYC I had a cell phone, and It broke and there was no way to get the numbers off of it.  Out of all the numbers I had, she was the only one I truly regret losing.  We exchanged numbers, I told her I would call her, and she said she would help me out, and I was like eh!?!?.

Let me explain, I am not the kind of person that doesn't take anything from anyone.  I don't like to take things from people, I don't borrow money, I don't ask for favours or help, when people offer things to me, I say no, even if I desperately need it.  She was like I'm going to get you an account and I'm going to send you money.  I was like WTH! no!   She said to me, You're going to school and I am so glad you are, and I always told you that I would take care of you, and now that I've found you, it's going to happen.  I won't let you quit school.  Omg i teared up.  I told her I would think about it but I definitely would call her. 

So needless to say I was feeling really good yesterday.  And to top it all off I weighed myself on my parent's scale.. =oO  282!!!!  -shimmy-

Highest Weight:  380-ish Start Weight At Surgery:  349   1st Week Post OP:  330   2nd Week Post OP: 324   3rd Week Post OP:  322   4th Week Post OP:   317   5th Week Post OP:   ---   6th Week Post OP:   307   7th Week Post OP:   ---   8th Week Post OP:   ---   9th Week Post OP:   --- 10th Week Post OP:  298

11th Week Post OP:  296 12th Week Post OP:  287 13th Week Post OP:  282 14th Week Post OP:  15th Week Post OP:  16th Week Post OP:  17th Week Post OP: 18th Week Post OP: 19th Week Post OP: 20th Week Post OP:

I am now 287.  (i think) LOL  I had myself weighed at my PCP today, and It's one of those old fashioned scales, you know the one where you gotta move the little do-dad.  LOL so she took off 2lbs for 'clothes weight'  so it's 289, but

I'll keep 287 because I like it ^_^.   LOL

I went to get my results from my blood test the last time i was there, for my cholestorol, which has dropped a little, not alot at all, and to talk about my damned knee. 

He gave me a referral to Mt. Sinai, to see a specialist, I think it's best to see how 'bad' it really is.  The knee has been bothering me for AGES but it wasnt until this past week it was UNBEARABLE.  So most likely It's something a little more serious, just because I have a history of it, and have never had it checked before.

Hmm... I think that's it.  I'm going VA friday, taking the Chinatown bus (it's so easy on the pockets).  Actually what's kind of funny is that my friend invited me, yes the guy.  I was coming down anyway, but he didn't know it.  When my brother and mother were here last week, she invited me to come down, so I said I would.  He still doesn't know that I've had the surgery, he wanted to come here to NY, but that would be really awkward for me.  First off I'm taking care of my grandmother, and I dunno how she will be with that, she's really old fashioned.  LOL   Not that anything would happen, but she the "omg it's a man" type of old fashioned.  LOL 

So he was like "I should come up to NY so you can show me around and I can hang out."  Well he's in the navy, and it's an eight hour drive, by the time he got here, he'd have to go home.  So long story short, I'm going to hang out with him for the day, maybe goto the Virgina Beach Aquarium.... who knows.  It's only three hours from my parents house so It's doable, and when I'm in VA I get to -gasp- DRIVE MY CAR!!!   wheeee!!!

I left my car in VA, i had just paid it off when I came to NY.  I told my parents they could keep/use while I was in NY.  There was NO WAY I was leaving my car on the streets of NY to be mauled/scratched/stolen/broken into/blown up etc in when it officially became MY car.  I would DIEEEEEEEEEE!  Plus I had no money, so no money for gas, and no money for parking, it's like pure luck to get a spot against the sidewalk, AND there's no way I was waking up early to move my car to the other side of the street.  LoL

I found some amazing songs I might add to my amazing dancing bear. 

School is doing okay, HTML is a breeze thank god. 

Routing and Subnetting, and networks.... ehhhh not so much..... more like not at all.  I'm trying to get all my homework done so I don't have to worry about it this weekend.  I think I've talked too much.  LOL Hasta la bai bai.

Highest Weight:  380-ish Start Weight At Surgery:  349   1st Week Post OP:  330   2nd Week Post OP: 324   3rd Week Post OP:  322   4th Week Post OP:   317   5th Week Post OP:   ---   6th Week Post OP:   307   7th Week Post OP:   ---   8th Week Post OP:   ---   9th Week Post OP:   --- 10th Week Post OP:  298

11th Week Post OP:  296 12th Week Post OP:  287 13th Week Post OP:  14th Week Post OP:  15th Week Post OP:  16th Week Post OP:  17th Week Post OP: 18th Week Post OP: 19th Week Post OP: 20th Week Post OP:

My knee is KILLING ME. 
I have been walking/running almost everyday, if not every day, I've only missed one day in between.

I didnt really understand the significance of NSAIDS.  We're not supposed to take it because it does wear at the stomach, and cause you to bleed; therefore with a small stomach it can do alot of damage.

It's an anti-inflammatory though, which tylenol isn't.  Which is a huge problem I found out, because with my knee being the way it is, the inflamation causes the knee to grind, which will begin to errode the cartiledge of my knee, and if it continues then I will have bigger problems because it will be 'bone-on-bone'.

The only other option is ice.  I have been using ice on it every day, but it really doesn't help all that much. 

I am seeing my PCP on thursday to see if he could get me a brace, because I cannot fit into the ones sold in stores.    My thighs are still too big.  =o/    or I have to ask to see if I can use the nsaid patches.  I  know it will cause less damage, but will still affect it.    Who knows. 

I see my surgeon on thursday so i will weigh myself then I'll see what they say about the nsaid patch.

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My brother came up from VA on friday with my mother, and hung out with me an extra day.  It was very cool, he played his trumpet.  We had a good time. 

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I'm still talking friend-like with previously mentioned friend, Still on friend like terms.  It's just confusing.

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I started a new class, html, thank god, because I KNOW this stuff.  Hopefully, I will not have to do so much work.

So let me begin in reverse.
I now weigh 296.  So I lost another 2lbs,   I walked home from my appointment.  From 114th st and Amsterdam, down to 96, then I walked across 3 Avenue's, across central park (I've never been to central park before, so I was really excited)  5 more avenue's, and then the rest of the way to my house (not saying how far, lol ^_~ no stalkers please lol). 

So the reason why I was there, was because of two issues.  One I have begun to bleed from an old incision not from this surgery, but from the tummy tuck I had about four years ago.  What had happened was when I got back from my tummy tuck, I started to exercise way too soon, and my 'man-made' belly button the "ziptie" or whatever was used to keep it closed came undone because I wasnt supposed to be doing that much so early on.  which resulted in the belly button not healing closed, it cause me to have an internal infection, which I almost died from.... on christmas.   My blood was toxic, and my fever was .2 degrees away from frying my brain.  After that hospitalization it healed completely and I had no problems with it.  

Well the other day I was laying on my bed, and I like rubbed my stomach and it was wet.  I thought to myself well that's odd because I havent showered yet, and I immediately thought of the complications before.  So I took a cotton swab and dabbed at it and it was bloodlike liquid, it was like a red yellow liquid.  I immediately freaked out and called my doctor, so that's why I had an appt.  I had run alot that day, like really run, so I think maybe that the jostling around has loosened something.  We'll see.

Oh and also my menstrual cycle is like freaking niagra.  In two hours I have flooded a tampon and a pad worn at the same time..... three times.   So now I have converted to the tampon, and borrowing my grandmother's diapers.   FTW!  I was kinda scared so that's the second reason,  she said it's fine, not to double up on iron just maybe double on the multivitamin, and visit an ob it it gets worse, or if I just want to make sure.

Switching gears a little, I was 'disappointed' by a friend and someone that I was interested in, and it was mutual for a little bit, but that completely crashed and burned.... horribly....  We met online became friends, it was really never supposed to be anything more than that, we met in real life, when I went to visit my other friend and my family in virginia.   We had a good time, I  was not expecting anything, and neither was he.   You know I was upfront with him that I was fat, he didnt like me saying that but, it is what it is (I HATE that phrase).  We had a really good time, I was at the time probably around 380-390 ish around there.  The only reason why I kinda remember that, I remember going to the hospital for an appt like maybe the week before, and the nurse weighing me said, "wow soon we won't be able to weigh you anymore."  Needless to say I wanted to punch her in the face, which is saying a lot because I am NOT a violent person. 

So with that said, he did his best to ignore it, and a good time was had by all.  When I got back to NY, you know he let me know he hadn't realized I was that big, but it comes with the territory so I didnt fault him for that.  We still remained friends calling, texting, emailing, and chatting nothing changed.  Well until thanksgiving, my fault though, lol he had never been to the museums in dc, so I was planning on taking a trip to VA, and we were going to go to the museums for that turkey weekend, I kinda mentioned eating thanksgiving at my parents house and meeting them... lol needless to say he cold feet.  LOL.  I didnt mean anything by it, it was just a dinner, but I think he took it a little more 'commit-y-er'  like it was more than supposed to.  

Anyway on the gripe at hand, so there's certain things that you know, as fat people, come with the territory.    So earlier this month he got drunk with his friends, and he called me and we talked for like hours, and he told me that he really liked my personality, he was attractive to my intelligence, and I was so cool and understanding, etc etc.  He wanted to know my reaction to what he's said, and I told him 'Tell me that when you're sober, and then we'll talk."  Meanwhile, he does NOT know that I've had this surgery, and since I last saw him I've lost almost a hundred pounds.  He does know that I am exercising, and that I'm eating better, I really didnt want to tell him about the surgery. 

So he does tell me when he's sober, and he's like you know maybe we can date, and see what happens etc etc.  I made it very clear that he could 'take back' whatever he wanted he wasnt stuck to it because he said it.  Now being a big girl, his 'personality' talk.. means just that, I know it, he didn't have to say it.  Loves my personality but my size might be a problem, he didnt have to say it, its again one of those things that comes with the territory.  So two weeks of awesomeness, calling almost all the time, being incredibly open and being paid attention to, and setting goals.  I've never dated before, so it was nice to have attention, even if it really wasnt dating and it was long distance. 

So then he disappears for two days, and I already know it's done.  He goes away sometimes to think to himself and stuff, so when he did that I knew exactly why he was gone, and then we talk online when he comes back, and he was like, 'I thought I could ignore the weight thing, but I can't,"  and he's really honest (too honest no sugar coating at all).  He said it has been bothering him, but he asked his boss at work (ya embarassing, being the fat girl from ny to his boss) and they told him that maybe he didnt want to get involved with a big girl because we become 'needy' (I guess because we're addicted to food, we'll be addicted to love, because ya know only fat girls are needy ).   That it might be too much for him to be with a big girl, and that maybe I should wait until I find someone who likes this size, and he'll find someone he likes and we can be happy with other people, who don't expect 'us' (and by us I think he meant just me) to change for their partner.

Even though I was prepared for it,  it hurt like crazy, and I stayed up until six in the morning practically balling my eyes out. It wasnt just the 'loss' of a possible boyfriend,  it was years of repressed 'fat' feelings.  Of being talked about because of my weight, made fun of at school, rejected, looked over for promotions, jobs, friends, and being alone, etc.  you know being 'the fat girl'...

The next day he was trying to chat to me like nothing happened, it was very awkward and forced, and things had soooo changed.   I tried to tell him, and convince myself, it's fine we're still friends no biggie, nothing to worry about.... so that night I cried until three in the morning for loss of a good friendship.

Yesterday the conversation was good, and we even talked on the phone for a little bit, and it went well.  Although he did comment on how he kinda liked my 'snappy attitude', that it's different, and thought it suited me more than my docile self.  Which is so ironic because I was trying to make sure that we both knew it was going to stay as friends... so i didnt let the conversation stray ya know, i dunno. 

So I'm mad, confused, upset, sad, and bleeding... all in one weekend....
-takes a deep breath-
-munches on almond- 
okay I'm done....
Cheers!

Highest Weight:  380-ish Start Weight At Surgery:  349   1st Week Post OP:  330   2nd Week Post OP: 324   3rd Week Post OP:  322   4th Week Post OP:   317   5th Week Post OP:   ---   6th Week Post OP:   307   7th Week Post OP:   ---   8th Week Post OP:   ---   9th Week Post OP:   --- 10th Week Post OP:  298

11th Week Post OP:  296 12th Week Post OP:  13th Week Post OP:  14th Week Post OP:  15th Week Post OP:  16th Week Post OP:  17th Week Post OP: 18th Week Post OP: 19th Week Post OP: 20th Week Post OP: