Playing Catch-Up.

Mar 24, 2009

So let me begin in reverse.
I now weigh 296.  So I lost another 2lbs,   I walked home from my appointment.  From 114th st and Amsterdam, down to 96, then I walked across 3 Avenue's, across central park (I've never been to central park before, so I was really excited)  5 more avenue's, and then the rest of the way to my house (not saying how far, lol ^_~ no stalkers please lol). 

So the reason why I was there, was because of two issues.  One I have begun to bleed from an old incision not from this surgery, but from the tummy tuck I had about four years ago.  What had happened was when I got back from my tummy tuck, I started to exercise way too soon, and my 'man-made' belly button the "ziptie" or whatever was used to keep it closed came undone because I wasnt supposed to be doing that much so early on.  which resulted in the belly button not healing closed, it cause me to have an internal infection, which I almost died from.... on christmas.   My blood was toxic, and my fever was .2 degrees away from frying my brain.  After that hospitalization it healed completely and I had no problems with it.  

Well the other day I was laying on my bed, and I like rubbed my stomach and it was wet.  I thought to myself well that's odd because I havent showered yet, and I immediately thought of the complications before.  So I took a cotton swab and dabbed at it and it was bloodlike liquid, it was like a red yellow liquid.  I immediately freaked out and called my doctor, so that's why I had an appt.  I had run alot that day, like really run, so I think maybe that the jostling around has loosened something.  We'll see.

Oh and also my menstrual cycle is like freaking niagra.  In two hours I have flooded a tampon and a pad worn at the same time..... three times.   So now I have converted to the tampon, and borrowing my grandmother's diapers.   FTW!  I was kinda scared so that's the second reason,  she said it's fine, not to double up on iron just maybe double on the multivitamin, and visit an ob it it gets worse, or if I just want to make sure.

Switching gears a little, I was 'disappointed' by a friend and someone that I was interested in, and it was mutual for a little bit, but that completely crashed and burned.... horribly....  We met online became friends, it was really never supposed to be anything more than that, we met in real life, when I went to visit my other friend and my family in virginia.   We had a good time, I  was not expecting anything, and neither was he.   You know I was upfront with him that I was fat, he didnt like me saying that but, it is what it is (I HATE that phrase).  We had a really good time, I was at the time probably around 380-390 ish around there.  The only reason why I kinda remember that, I remember going to the hospital for an appt like maybe the week before, and the nurse weighing me said, "wow soon we won't be able to weigh you anymore."  Needless to say I wanted to punch her in the face, which is saying a lot because I am NOT a violent person. 

So with that said, he did his best to ignore it, and a good time was had by all.  When I got back to NY, you know he let me know he hadn't realized I was that big, but it comes with the territory so I didnt fault him for that.  We still remained friends calling, texting, emailing, and chatting nothing changed.  Well until thanksgiving, my fault though, lol he had never been to the museums in dc, so I was planning on taking a trip to VA, and we were going to go to the museums for that turkey weekend, I kinda mentioned eating thanksgiving at my parents house and meeting them... lol needless to say he cold feet.  LOL.  I didnt mean anything by it, it was just a dinner, but I think he took it a little more 'commit-y-er'  like it was more than supposed to.  

Anyway on the gripe at hand, so there's certain things that you know, as fat people, come with the territory.    So earlier this month he got drunk with his friends, and he called me and we talked for like hours, and he told me that he really liked my personality, he was attractive to my intelligence, and I was so cool and understanding, etc etc.  He wanted to know my reaction to what he's said, and I told him 'Tell me that when you're sober, and then we'll talk."  Meanwhile, he does NOT know that I've had this surgery, and since I last saw him I've lost almost a hundred pounds.  He does know that I am exercising, and that I'm eating better, I really didnt want to tell him about the surgery. 

So he does tell me when he's sober, and he's like you know maybe we can date, and see what happens etc etc.  I made it very clear that he could 'take back' whatever he wanted he wasnt stuck to it because he said it.  Now being a big girl, his 'personality' talk.. means just that, I know it, he didn't have to say it.  Loves my personality but my size might be a problem, he didnt have to say it, its again one of those things that comes with the territory.  So two weeks of awesomeness, calling almost all the time, being incredibly open and being paid attention to, and setting goals.  I've never dated before, so it was nice to have attention, even if it really wasnt dating and it was long distance. 

So then he disappears for two days, and I already know it's done.  He goes away sometimes to think to himself and stuff, so when he did that I knew exactly why he was gone, and then we talk online when he comes back, and he was like, 'I thought I could ignore the weight thing, but I can't,"  and he's really honest (too honest no sugar coating at all).  He said it has been bothering him, but he asked his boss at work (ya embarassing, being the fat girl from ny to his boss) and they told him that maybe he didnt want to get involved with a big girl because we become 'needy' (I guess because we're addicted to food, we'll be addicted to love, because ya know only fat girls are needy ).   That it might be too much for him to be with a big girl, and that maybe I should wait until I find someone who likes this size, and he'll find someone he likes and we can be happy with other people, who don't expect 'us' (and by us I think he meant just me) to change for their partner.

Even though I was prepared for it,  it hurt like crazy, and I stayed up until six in the morning practically balling my eyes out. It wasnt just the 'loss' of a possible boyfriend,  it was years of repressed 'fat' feelings.  Of being talked about because of my weight, made fun of at school, rejected, looked over for promotions, jobs, friends, and being alone, etc.  you know being 'the fat girl'...

The next day he was trying to chat to me like nothing happened, it was very awkward and forced, and things had soooo changed.   I tried to tell him, and convince myself, it's fine we're still friends no biggie, nothing to worry about.... so that night I cried until three in the morning for loss of a good friendship.

Yesterday the conversation was good, and we even talked on the phone for a little bit, and it went well.  Although he did comment on how he kinda liked my 'snappy attitude', that it's different, and thought it suited me more than my docile self.  Which is so ironic because I was trying to make sure that we both knew it was going to stay as friends... so i didnt let the conversation stray ya know, i dunno. 

So I'm mad, confused, upset, sad, and bleeding... all in one weekend....
-takes a deep breath-
-munches on almond- 
okay I'm done....
Cheers!

Highest Weight:  380-ish Start Weight At Surgery:  349   1st Week Post OP:  330   2nd Week Post OP: 324   3rd Week Post OP:  322   4th Week Post OP:   317   5th Week Post OP:   ---   6th Week Post OP:   307   7th Week Post OP:   ---   8th Week Post OP:   ---   9th Week Post OP:   --- 10th Week Post OP:  298

11th Week Post OP:  296 12th Week Post OP:  13th Week Post OP:  14th Week Post OP:  15th Week Post OP:  16th Week Post OP:  17th Week Post OP: 18th Week Post OP: 19th Week Post OP: 20th Week Post OP:

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