Selendrile
I Did It To Myself Again...
Apr 17, 2009
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I originally wrote this on Tuesday April 7, 2009, I usually write things in my word document before I put them in the blog because there have been many times when my post wasn’t saved or it was erased or never posted, and I’d have to start all over. LoL And since my recent blogs have been long winded I am utterly distraught if I lose it all. I wrote this and a few days later the situations had changed, I dunno if I was thinking differently or if things had changed in reality. I was debating posting this post at all, but then ya know, I did write it, and I did mean it at the time so I think I will post it. I will write another post later today to talk about this post more and the current situation. So with that said… Here is the Post: |
I think I like pain....
Self abuse or something, when I know something won't happen, but I hope and go for it anyway, and only wind up being hurt.....
At the same time, without hope what's the point...
So after this awesome time I had with my friend, he messaged me yesterday telling me he had a good time, and basically that he was interested in me and spending more time with me.....
In my head I was thinking he took it too far and he's going to regret saying that, because I think he just got swept up in the moment.... because I know it always comes back to the weight.... it ALWAYS comes back to that...
but that hateful spiteful thing called 'hope' sparks up just a twinge... that maybe all that was needed was a real good time being real and open.... maybe... maybe...... being human, and emotional, and caring, and everything I'm supposed to be, maybe that's all that was needed.... maybe... maybe...... Maybe just maybe being myself is all that I needed....
I mean what is wrong with 'maybe'....
Apparently a lot of wrong when it backlashes smacking you across the face, snapping your head back reeling you back into reality where a perfect person is a size 6....and everything revolves around beauty and size, and personality is no match for either... "I wish I could meet someone with your personality..."
Which basically means.... If I can take your personality and frankenstein it into a better body, because alot of broken body parts sewn together in a freakish resemblance of a human being with your personality is better than you and your size.
But why, WHY put myself through that?? That maybe in the small small hope that maybe he meant it...maybe things can be overlooked.... I don't want to tell him about my surgery.... Why? So that I can hurt myself further? And I know what you're thinking how can that hurt it further..... he won't care for me being me, he'll be waiting for the person-- actually that's not right; he'll be waiting for the size that I'm going to be....
I wish I could cry.... I want to cry sooooo badly, but I can't....because I did this to myself. It is my fault... Of COURSE it is! How dare I hope to be cared about, how dare I wish that someone will overlook my faults.... Sarcasm aside it is my fault.
I knew when he said that, he wished he could swallow his words... wished that they had never come out... he says to me that he shouldn’t care about that, and he doesn't but it keeps silently reminding him echoing in his mind. It causes him to question himself and doubt, and confuses him and with much embarrassment acquiesces to the voice.
The echo of society telling him that fat is bad..... -gasp- what will his friends think, what will his friends say, can he be seen in public with someone like that? Can he introduce this fat girl as his girlfriend what will they think of his ‘taste’ in women, will that scrutinize all his other decisions? Superficial as it seems, it is what society has taught us. He’s not with the fat girl because he loves her, cares about her, likes her personality, it must be because that’s the best he can get….
He made a comment about our friendship, that maybe our friendship will keep us 'coming back to each other'. He's alone, he hates being alone, he needs companionship, and I've turn into a convenience.... a "better than nothing"....
I guess being alone will make anyone desperate… myself included… I am not above that… maybe it’s a mutual unconscious action, I can’t get anyone else, no one else wants me so I’m attracted to you syndrome… In a way it’s like the other side of the coin.
He wants someone like me without the weight and I want someone like him without the weight being a problem. He’s super intelligent, and funny, and caring, he’s a sensitive guy which I love, but I think the weight will always be a problem. Even when I lose it, then he’ll be nagged about how he treated me. It’s a no win situation, that I can’t help but feel lost in.
Knowing this doesn’t make it easier… and it doesn’t stop me, when it should…. Hope is hateful, and insensitive and just is hope…. Nothing definitive…. A fog and haze of unclarity, that is indescribable.
Am I a convenience? A better than nothing? Have I allowed myself to be used just for human interaction, a possibility, a glimpse of hope, of humanity, of emotion? I want to be looked at, and smiled at, to be told ‘hey I was just thinking about you’. So I, like a prostitute, have sold myself for a compliment.
I wonder if he even noticed a difference…. If no matter what I do, he will always see me as fat…. I am literally 100lbs less than when he saw me, but not even the effort of weight loss or the view of my weight loss has changed his opinion that there is something wrong with my weight. I wonder if I was a size six if he would notice.
The funny thing is I just want to tell him. I wish I could be mad at him. I wish I could yell at him and tell me how much he hurt me. Sometimes he would say things, and not think of what he said. I know he doesn’t realize how it comes across, but because of that they hurt worse than anything else. I wish I could scream at him…. But I’m not mad…… Even through all that I am not mad at him, I just want to give him some advice…. Talk about some self-loathing, pain inflicted retardedness on my part….
I just want to tell him, “I want to tell you this, before you make another mistake in the future, and lose someone who cares about you. That the next time you meet someone, that isn’t ‘all that you wanted’… I hope you give them a better chance than you gave me….”
