shannon0731

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Something is making me sabotage myself, I am convinced of it.  What is it?   Today, I think I may have found some answers. Now I just have to figure out how to deal with it.

I went back into my childhood.  My parents were so proud of me.  My success in school was great.  My parents would brag that while neither of them had much of an education, they had a brainiact as a child. So, i had to be the best-had to get straight As. I can remember crying if I got a B. I can remember changing answers after the graded test was given back to us, trying to convince the teacher SHE made a mistake! My mom even told my doctor who told me I needed to stop. I did not have to be perfect.  So why did I feel I had to be?

I won a full scholarship to UNO and another one to pay for books, etc. I was going to be a chemist. But, I got involved with a boy and got pregnant the first time we did it. So, I dropped out of college and never went back. We got married, but while my parents adored my little boy, I knew they were disappointed in me. I was going to be the college graduate! My son came then my daughter. I tried to be the best mom and maybe not always tried to be the best wife. Eventually, that caught up with me and he left us after 21 years of marriage. No, I am sorry I cheated, I want you. No it was I love someone else, bye. My kids were devastated. They of course blamed him. but maybe just maybe a part of me blamed myself. If I had been a better mate, he would not have left.

My son was well into college when this happened. My daughter a senior.  she totally bombed in college. Got involved with an idiot. And what did I do? got involved with an idiot as well!! oh he presented such a good front and I totally believed his lies. But, did I sacrifice my daughter?if I had been thee, would she have succeeded? So what happened?  she flunked out and found her self pregnant. The guy was great and I was okay that they would not rush into marriage. But again, could I have been more there for her? She was and still is a wonderful mom.  I was never disappointed in her. No I was disappointed in myself. I felt I let her down. 

so, the second husband showed his true colors and I left him. and he told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything. I truly did not believe him. But again, i was disappointed in me. How could I have not seen what a horrible person he was? wasn't;t I smart??

Both my kids packed on the pounds. now my son as diabetes.  what is wrong with me? How could I let this happen to them?  If I had been a better parent, they would not be going though this. Perhaps I had been telling myself that subconsciously all these years.

Diet? I lived on one my whole life!! I never let my excess weight stop me from doing whatever I wanted. I dated, danced, did whatever. I had been successful twice as an adult in losing weight--both times after my divorces. I was anal. I believe now that I did that as a control measure. I could not control my life, but I could control my weight. And both time I got happy, got into another relationship, I piled it back on.

Now, I am trying to make a life change, having had the surgery.  am I scared to be at a healthy weight? Do I deserve to be at a healthy weight? Can I manage it for the rest of my life?  I failed not getting my degree, I failed at keeping my husband at home, I failed at not seeing what a loser the second one was, I failed at being a good role model and keeping my daughter in school, I failed at teaching my kids to be a healthy weight , I failed at keeping the weight off twice?  How can I be successful this time around?

yes, I know that life happens for a reason. If Erin had stayed in school, I would not have my son in law and my beautiful granddaughters. if I had stayed in school I would not have had my kids. If I had not bombed out in both marriages, I would not have the wonderful man I have now> Life happens for a reason and I have to believe that everything I have been through has prepared me to succeed. They why am I not ready to see the final success? that first goal of 150-healthy bmi?  I need to find this out

So I guess I did okay though our extended holiday season (the rest of you finish up with New Years, we go through Mardi Gras!).  and I pushed my limits and did not like what I found out.  It appears I will not be one of the lucky ones that will dump. Yes, I said lucky!  Funny, when I first started this journey, I was scared of dumping. Now I realize I am not fortunate. I wish I did. yes, I still don't, can't eat a lot of food. But, it looks like I can tolerate more sugar and fat than I wish I could. So NOW I have to watch it, really watch it!! I have to really practice the good eating habits and not just rely on my body to do it for me. Because of that, I am considering bringing an old friend into the game plan--WW. Boy I mentioned it here and got zapped!! Why do you need that? was the question most asked. And my answer is, I may--to keep me on track.  I know I can not have just anything --duh!! But if I had an idea of what I am supposed to have-portion wise. If the points I am allowed is too much, fine, i will just make sure I eat all my protein and then if I have points left over then I will do the veggies, milk, etc.

I saw a show last night about a lady who lost over 400 pounds after having bypass. Very good story. and I am so close to my goal-at least 15, maybe 25-depends on how I like how I look when I get to 15. I am tempter to try and get down to the 150-155, just in case. give me some buffer that 160 is my top weight.

I am back--on track--honeymoon is still on, it has to be!! I am doing too good to mess it up!!

Next week is Thanksgiving and that is the official start of the eating season. And New orleanians don't stop with New years!  Oh no, we start Carnival Season January 6 with King Cakes.  then the parades start, all leading up to MardiGras. and if we are lucky, our Saints will make it to the playoffs and even the super Bowl again which means more parties and eating!! Yikes and all I really have left to try is beef!! this could be very scary. Now, on my side I have the fact that I am still fairly new so I am still losing and getting into new clothes. those cute holiday clothes I have not been able to wear in years are looking pretty cute in my closet just waiting for me! I have a wonderful boy friend who has supported me so much by among other things cooking good thinks that are pouch friendly. I have his family  who several members have had surgery so there is a definite understanding factor there. and I have my family who while they can be food pushers seem to have been behaving themselves. So the worst enemy I could have would be myself if I fall off. Btu i also have so many friends and my support group and we can hold each other up!! Just gotta stay strong and keep realizing the rewards of  staying on course

Wow, has it really been 3 months?  Let's take stock:

I am 40 pounds lighter
I am taking 15 units Lantus instead of 45 units, Simylin and 15 unites of Novalog at each meal as well as 20 unites of Lantus
I am taking 5mg Lisinopril to just keep protectign my kidnesy instead of 20 mg to control high blood pressure.
My a1c went from 8.1 to 6.5 in oen month--will get newest labs next week
I can eat most things now and have no problems with them, unless I eat to fast
I FEEL WONDERFUL!!

It was December of 2008 the last time I was below 200. I was on my way up to see my new baby twin granddaughters and to help my daughter with those two lil girls. Came back and it was the Christmas holidays. by the time 2009 hit, I was back over 200. I cried so much--I had lost almost 70 pounds since May of 2007. But slowly, the weight crept back on. 169 on Easter, 202 on New years!! What caused it?  Well, the availability of delicious food from a wonderful new man in my life did not help. I can not blame him--he did not hold a gun to my head and make me eat! But I ate and gained and got depressed once again.

My biggest challenge with this new tool?  To relearn to eat properly. I know my pouch with stretch--it has to or I will keep losing! I need to learn maintenance. I have to learn to catch and reverse a small gain. I know truly recognize I am a picking eater. My debilitating emotion is boredom. So I have to find ways to stay busy and not eat. I am thinking recognition is the first step! I want this to work so bad--I have to be willing to give up the quantity of food I eat. Right now, I have given that up. But I know now that I have to for the rest of my life. Staying compliant going to the doc will be a big help. Going to my support group is another. And this forum is my third tool to keep it off. All 3 of these with my pouch will keep me on the straight and narrow.

so two months ago today I had my surgery. How am I different?  No more blood pressure meds. A1C at 6.5 from 8.1. And 28 pound slighter!  I am wearing clothes that I could not even zip up pre surgery and some of them are too big!! I have had one dumping episode and 3 eating too fast episodes, none of which were fun!! Obviously, learning to eat slower is harder for me than learning to stay away from too sugary foods!!   I am eating everything except beef and pork and tolerating everything, some stuff of course better than others. This is going to sound silly, but some days, i wish I was back on just shakes!! some days, trying to decide what to eat is hard! After then 70 grams of protein and 64 oz of liquid, there isn't much room for anything else!! But, I am so happy to be able to go places and find something to eat. and I am feeling better-healthier. I see my doc at the end of October and I will get my results of when I take my lab work on my 3 month anniversary. Looking forward to that next set of labs and hoping that insulin will soon be a thing of the past!

I just had to complete a self evaluation for my job, so I thought why not do a self evaluation of me since surgery.

My strengths in living my life since surgery:  I did not ever miss the food I could not have. I never craved it at all. I could watch the food network or be with people eating and be just fine. That helped so much mentally. I also stuck to the plan. I never tried to rush it. I figured the docs took their time to devise the proper way to reintroduce food, who am I to challenge it? this I believe helped that I had no nausea and only experienced dumping once, slightly when I did not read the label and ate something with too much sugar. I also had no stuck food (until recently-will address that in my weaknesses, lol).

My weaknesses:  I still want to eat too fast. Wasn't ;t too bad until I rushed fish. But the next day, I took my time and no "foamies".  Then two days later, rushed Melba toast! YUCK!! No nausea but still not a good feeling. I really have to work hard at slowing it down.

What do I need to improve my life post surgery?  I am lucky to already have it--a huge and loving support system. First and foremost, my boyfriend who has been there every step of the way. he has helped and never hindered me and cheers me on for every good blood sugar and every pound lost. My kids who I hope I can maybe encourage them to live a healthier lifestyle. My Mentors--friends who have preceded me with surgery who have helped me by sharing their experiences with me and can help me foresee and think through things before they occur. My surgery center's support group where we meet every week who have also encouraged me and advise me on issues I need help with.

Where do I see myself this time next year?  Smaller and healthier. I truly believe just from seeing those before me that I will be at my goal weight. I am cautiously optimistic I will be off insulin completely but if not, I surely won;t be taking the 7 shots a day I have for the last 3 years!

so there you have it!! In 10 days, I will see my doc. right now, I am  20 pounds lighter than pre surgery. I have gotten rid of my pre surgery clothes for the most part (keeping my "before" dress) and am now wearing a size smaller. Because of good friends, I have sizes all they way down to my goal size, so I will be shopping in my closet!! Can't wait to hear what the doc has to say!!

Wow, it has been a month already!! Down 16 pounds, off blood pressure med, cholesterol med and most of my insulin!! I feel great and am looking better every day!! Got a few outfits I could not wear pre surgery that I can fit in now.

I am just so happy I did this!! I have had very little problems like some do. I barely dumped just one time--but enough to know I don't want to do THAT again!! I have been able to tolerate everything so far.

My support system is incredible!!

I am just one lucky lady!! And I think god for it every day!!

I got two wonderful presents already this morning. First, a beautiful peal necklace and matching earrings from my guy. then, the scale moved town 2 and 1/2 pounds!  

I am torn between being aggravated it is not moving downward fast enough and worried that I don't want it to go down too fast!! All in all, I am happy with my progress. Me the glass is always half full!  There are a few clothes I could not fit in before that I can now. And insulin use is way down.

What have I learned so far?  that I am definitely a boredom eater. A perpetual snacker. Eat just cause it is there. The times I get actually hungry are few and far between.

What is in store for me?  the next few weeks is my reintroduction to real (as in have to chew!) food. so things like Popsicles and broth are going to the wayside. Protein is numero uno at every meal--after I get that in, then it is veggies (and eventually good starches) that I will be eating. And as everyone tells me THAT is when the weight will start to come off! Plus, I  will begin my weights again after this Friday (my one month anniversary!) And that will help boost the metabolism!

Have a feeling that this will be MY YEAR!!

Well, tomorrow, I take the new and improved Shannon to work!! I am sure I will be the talk of the department, just as my buddy was a year ago. And I am cool with that.

this staying home is good and bad. And neither are due to the surgery! I like to keep busy an have had a few times of boredom. but, I got to go spurge with various teas at Starbucks and got to take naps!

We love to eat in my company. But I think I have a little time before the food descends. Hopefully I will be able to have some types of food before then!!

so far, I feel great! and I plan on just getting better!!