Possible revelation

Apr 05, 2012

Something is making me sabotage myself, I am convinced of it.  What is it?   Today, I think I may have found some answers. Now I just have to figure out how to deal with it.

I went back into my childhood.  My parents were so proud of me.  My success in school was great.  My parents would brag that while neither of them had much of an education, they had a brainiact as a child. So, i had to be the best-had to get straight As. I can remember crying if I got a B. I can remember changing answers after the graded test was given back to us, trying to convince the teacher SHE made a mistake! My mom even told my doctor who told me I needed to stop. I did not have to be perfect.  So why did I feel I had to be?

I won a full scholarship to UNO and another one to pay for books, etc. I was going to be a chemist. But, I got involved with a boy and got pregnant the first time we did it. So, I dropped out of college and never went back. We got married, but while my parents adored my little boy, I knew they were disappointed in me. I was going to be the college graduate! My son came then my daughter. I tried to be the best mom and maybe not always tried to be the best wife. Eventually, that caught up with me and he left us after 21 years of marriage. No, I am sorry I cheated, I want you. No it was I love someone else, bye. My kids were devastated. They of course blamed him. but maybe just maybe a part of me blamed myself. If I had been a better mate, he would not have left.

My son was well into college when this happened. My daughter a senior.  she totally bombed in college. Got involved with an idiot. And what did I do? got involved with an idiot as well!! oh he presented such a good front and I totally believed his lies. But, did I sacrifice my daughter?if I had been thee, would she have succeeded? So what happened?  she flunked out and found her self pregnant. The guy was great and I was okay that they would not rush into marriage. But again, could I have been more there for her? She was and still is a wonderful mom.  I was never disappointed in her. No I was disappointed in myself. I felt I let her down. 

so, the second husband showed his true colors and I left him. and he told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything. I truly did not believe him. But again, i was disappointed in me. How could I have not seen what a horrible person he was? wasn't;t I smart??

Both my kids packed on the pounds. now my son as diabetes.  what is wrong with me? How could I let this happen to them?  If I had been a better parent, they would not be going though this. Perhaps I had been telling myself that subconsciously all these years.

Diet? I lived on one my whole life!! I never let my excess weight stop me from doing whatever I wanted. I dated, danced, did whatever. I had been successful twice as an adult in losing weight--both times after my divorces. I was anal. I believe now that I did that as a control measure. I could not control my life, but I could control my weight. And both time I got happy, got into another relationship, I piled it back on.

Now, I am trying to make a life change, having had the surgery.  am I scared to be at a healthy weight? Do I deserve to be at a healthy weight? Can I manage it for the rest of my life?  I failed not getting my degree, I failed at keeping my husband at home, I failed at not seeing what a loser the second one was, I failed at being a good role model and keeping my daughter in school, I failed at teaching my kids to be a healthy weight , I failed at keeping the weight off twice?  How can I be successful this time around?

yes, I know that life happens for a reason. If Erin had stayed in school, I would not have my son in law and my beautiful granddaughters. if I had stayed in school I would not have had my kids. If I had not bombed out in both marriages, I would not have the wonderful man I have now> Life happens for a reason and I have to believe that everything I have been through has prepared me to succeed. They why am I not ready to see the final success? that first goal of 150-healthy bmi?  I need to find this out

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About Me
LA
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23.6
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RNY
Surgery
07/05/2011
Surgery Date
Apr 03, 2011
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