Where to Start
Mar 27, 2009Well, where do I begin. I am almost 18 months out now. Can you believe it. I have lost 138 lbs. I now weigh 164.6. Wow!!! I'm in a size 12 pants, but think I may need to try a smaller size soon or get a belt, and in shirts I am wearing a large. I never thought I'd say any of those words...at least in reference to me.
As for the eating, I am doing OK. I've had some pretty life changing events happen so that has really messed things up for me. But in all of that I seem to have lost some of my tolerance for sugar so that's a good thing.
As I wrote back in November, my husband and I were starting counseling. Things were going fair, but still not all that great. A lot of the sarcasm and the fighting had stopped, but there was still a big component missing in my life. I went to Seattle for a week vacation, alone, and that gave me time to think. That wasn't the purpose of the trip, but it turned out to be one of those things that just happened. While I was there I was soooo happy. I felt like me again. As I saw friends that I hadn't seen in 6-13 years I realized that they were still my friends. They still cared alot about me. You see, my husband had tried to tell me that they wouldn't be the same as they used to be. That things would be different with so much time passing and everybody going on with their lives. What I found out is that he must not have a true friend, because nothing changed with our relationships. They actually were better. Being more mature helped all of us realize how much we did mean to each other.
Another thing that happened was I received more compliments in that week from a few good friends than I have the whole time I've been married (11 years). To this day my husband has still not said I look good after my weight loss. Nor did he say it prior. When he would call me everyday I would dread the call because I knew it would be filled with negativity. There was never any shared joy for me having such a good time. Instead he would try to belittle the things I was doing. And for a week, he never said I love you or I miss you.
When I talked with a good friend up there, I was telling him about some of my marital problems. I told him how losing weight has helped me regain some of my confidence. He stopped me, looked me in the eye and his exact comment was "Chere, when have you not been confident?" He knew me when I weighed 270 lbs. He knew the fat me. But that me back then was very strong and very confident despite being morbidly obese. That's when it hit me. My husband took the best parts of me. So while I was away I made the decision that I couldn't live like this anymore.
I came home and told my husband I wasn't happy and didn't want to be married. I am in the process of filing for a divorce right now. I should be able to file early next week as the attorney has all of my paperwork. He's being pretty agreeable so that's making things easier. I just want this all to be over with.
I will stay in my house, we will share parenting of the children and I will get the opportunity to get my SELF back. I'm scared, but excited at the same time.
I thought I'd share this all with you, since you've all been such a great source of support. And Lord knows I need all the support I can get right now. So...on to the next chapter of my life.