SheltieLuvr
To start with, I want to say that I have had a very blessed life. I was raised by two wonderful, hard working, loving parents in a nice, middle class home. I’m the youngest of four children – the spoiled baby of the family. I have had great educational opportunities and a successful career. I had a really lousy marriage but I learned from it. And, yet, in the midst of what looks on the outside to be a really good life, the weight demon has always been there.
When I was born, I weighed 11 pounds. Even by today’s standards, I was a big baby but that was 1957. I must have been the talk of the hospital! Can you imagine the scene in the nursery – all those 5 pound little cuties and me? It must have been a sight.
Throughout all of my growing up years, I was chubby. My mother struggled with her weight as did my sister. My brothers were both beanpoles until they got married. It was tough being the little fat kid. I don’t remember being made fun of but I knew I was different and, as my personality developed, I became quiet and reserved. To this day, I am completely uncomfortable around people I don’t know. My mother always had to buy me bigger clothes than the other kids wore. I remember that Montgomery Ward even had a size range of girls’ clothes that was called “chubby”. How is that for political correctness?
Mother tried to control my eating as best she could. I was born with a terrible sweet tooth and I used to indulge it regularly. I was always more of a bookworm than a child who played outside. I don’t know which begat which – my excess weight kept me off the playground or my lack of exercise helped keep me fat. Probably a little of both. I was an excellent student and always got straight A’s except for PE (gym). My grade in PE always ruined my perfect A average.
I don’t remember my first diet experience. I do remember my mother taking me to a weight loss doctor across town, probably when I was about 9 or 10. He prescribed a diet and pills. Not long after we started seeing him, Life magazine came out with an article about diet pills / amphetamines. We stopped seeing the doctor.
When I was 10, my sister got married. I was in her wedding. My dress was a misses size 10.
When Dr. Stillman first came out with the Quick Weight Loss Diet in 1967, I tried that. The two big factors in this diet were the limitation of daily intake to only protein and the 64 oz of water a day. That was unheard of in the 1960’s. The only thing I remember about that diet is the time spent in the bathroom from all of the water. Mother loved to make hamburger patties or cube steak for breakfast, even after we quit that diet. At least we were getting our protein.
When I was 12, I was 5 feet 4 inches tall and weighed 135 pounds. I wore a size 13 dress. Funny the things you remember.
The summer before I started high school, I went to weekly Weight Watchers meetings. I lost about 20 pounds that summer and was excited about starting high school looking good. Of course, it didn’t last. During most of high school, I weighed in the 150’s – 160’s. I had grown to 5 feet 8 inches and “carried my weight well” but I was terribly self conscious because of all of the little skinny girls who could wear the really cute clothes. I dated very little in high school. I was still a near straight A student and joined the public speaking and debate team. I was successful in speaking, winning a regional and a state championship.
Right before my senior year in high school, our family moved to a house which required that I walk to school. During the year, I lost about 20 pounds, just from the daily walk, and my graduation dress was a size 11. I weighed about 140 pounds, had my first real serious boyfriend, was on my way to college, and thought I was still fat.
My first two years of college were good from a weight maintenance standpoint. I lived on the third floor of a dorm with a really slow elevator so we took the stairs most of the time. My dorm was at least a half mile from the building where most of my classes were so I was able to keep up the walking and keep the weight down. At the beginning of my junior year, I moved off campus, started driving to campus, parked in the lot closest to the building, and began living on fast food, hot dogs, pot pies, and frozen chicken patties – typical college food. I gained 20 pounds almost overnight.
From the time I graduated from college until I married at age 26, my weight stayed pretty much in check. I think I was mostly in the 160’s to 170’s. I’d diet on and off but never took anything really seriously. My wedding dress was a size 18. There is an old saying that you should buy a wedding dress at least two sizes smaller than you are because a bride will always lose weight before her wedding. It was a good thing I bought a dress that fit because I broke that rule. I am probably the only bride in history who did not lose weight before her wedding. That should have been a sign of what was to come.
From 1984 to 1992, I lived in my own private hell. I married the wrong man for me. He was verbally abusive and I wasn’t very high on the self-esteem scale to start out with. And my weight started to climb out of control. I joined Nutrisystems in 1985. I had 43 pounds to lose. I lost about 15 and was starting to look really good. I quit. Every January, I would join Weight Watchers. It became like a ritual to me. It’s January – let’s see what this year’s program is like. I never made it past 3 or 4 weeks. I also did a stint with Jenny Craig, back when they were the new kid on the block. And every new diet book that came out ended up in my library. But the stress of my living situation was pointing me towards food constantly. I never realized that until I came home after being away from him for a weekend and the first thing I did when I walked into the house was go for a cookie. By the time my husband and I divorced in 1992, I was up to around 250 pounds.
At this point, the story should take an optimistic turn. The source of stress was gone so it should have been easy to lose weight. That didn’t happen. Maybe gaining so much weight screwed up my metabolism so I couldn’t lose anymore. Maybe my eating habits had gotten so bad when I was married that I was sabotaging myself every day. For whatever reason, I am here, 14 years later, almost 100 pounds heavier, and waiting for surgery to help me out of this mess I’ve made.
In 1996, I met the man of my dreams. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the man of his dreams, if you get my drift, but we have become the best of friends. He lives halfway across the country from me but we get together every few months and once a year have a fabulous vacation together. We share a passion for traveling and are excellent traveling companions.
In 2005, we spent a week in Spain and I was very uncomfortable. We were on a bus tour and the constant walking and in and out of the bus took a toll on my knees. I swore that I would not be as fat when we went on our 2006 vacation.
Our 2006 trip was one that we had been planning for several years – a Baltic cruise. I had 10 months from the time we returned from Spain until we flew to Copenhagen. I thought I could lose at least 80 to 100 pounds in that time. I did lose 20. I gained it back. I went on my trip of a lifetime weighing exactly what I did the previous year but with my knees in worse shape. I was exhausted the whole trip and very depressed that I couldn’t enjoy the trip we had planned for so long.
About a month before the trip, I started researching WLS. I had sworn that this was something I would never do. As the old saying says: “never say never”. It’s no longer about looking good. It’s about being able to walk, avoiding the diabetes which runs in my family, and fully living the rest of my life.
Thanks for your patience in reading through all of this.
