Sherrieann
I think my story echoes many others here. I've always been larger than just about everyone my own age. I remember having to go clothes shopping in the 'Chubbies' section. Was embarassed by that even then. From 'Chubbies' i went straight to 'Misses' and then to 'Queen'. (anyone else remember all of those?). Now I find it difficult to store-shop anywhere. Scary.
Genetically, I'm wired for extra poundage. My grandmother on my dad's side had to have weighed at least 700lbs. I've only seen her in photos. Seems the 'thrifty gene', the one that screams "STORE, STORE, STORE THOSE CALORIES" in my dad's family is selective. My sister and brother apparently passed-by for such honor, but my cousin and I, well, we took their share it seems.
My mom's family is the more nervous, active, always moving type. My mother was a phys. ed. teacher...lol. Dad was an awarded college athlete, recruited for some semi-pro teams. So I think all 'prodigy' was supposed to be fit and athletic. Nope.
I was ALWAYS a 'daddy's-girl'. Inseperable, really. And I can never recall my father EVER saying anything about my weight. He died just after I turned 9, so maybe I just can't recall.
Things kind of went to hell after my dad died. I remember my first 'diet' happening the same year my dad died. Some sort of 'space food' thing. I was supposed to eat a little bit of this strange bar each day. Not a good start to the diet history there. In the year following my father's death, I gained about 100lbs. That was before the days of grief counseling for anyone; daughters and mothers alike. Let's just say that I think ALL my comfort and solace came from food. I started thinking at 9 that my mother really didn't love her fat daughter, prefering my sis, who was just 15 months younger, sleek and athletic. So food consoled all. And it had to be 'hidden' food ~ things sneaked here and there. So sad and so unecesseary when I think back.
The pounds just sort of added on from there. Each year a few more. All kinds of weird diets ~ forced exercises ~ UGLY rituals of being weighed ~ injections ~ incentives ~ rewards ~ punishments. Just about everything other than a logical, supportive nutritional plan. Maybe they didn't have nutritionists in the 1970s.
So I fashioned my life as the 'fat one'. But also smart, friendly, skilled, outgoing. I lived in a small town and it wasn't so painful. When all the kids know each other from wee-times there really isn't the 'snap judgements' and people could look more at the whole of each person. But I started missing out on things once the teen years hit, when attractions and romances started. I was always the 'third wheel'. The one who was fun to have around, but somehow alone even in a group of three...or five...or seven.
You know those things that you hear, those statements, tossed either casually or with precision aiming that change your life somehow. I think the capper for me came when I was just finishing college and was asked to sing at my best friend's wedding, rather than being part of the bridal party. My mother asked me why I wasn't one of the bridesmaids. She felt entitled to say "It's because you're fat. And you know, when you're fat like you are, no man will ever love you. Men may be nice to you, or pity you, but they will never really love you." Sigh. I learned much in that instant...about a lot of things.
Started to diet FOR ME as a young adult. Actually sought out plans that seemed to be based on solid nutrition. I learned early-on that other things hadn't worked; that if it sounded 'weird' it would cause misery and hurt and disapointment all around. I actually had some great success on Weight Watchers ~ with meticulous planning, journeling, and about 2 hours of exercise each day. I lost about 120lbs before kind of 'freaking out' about the different kind of attention that i was starting to get. Fury about 'damn it, I'm NO different now, so why have YOU changed?!'; angry that people somehow could now SEE me (odd that the larger you are the more 'invisible' you are...); scared with this 'new' way that men were noticing me. That tipped me into remembering some very scary, long pushed-away memories that I was not expecting and was TOTALLY unprepared for. Needless to say, the weight that I lost in about 16 months, returned in about 6 months....with about an added 50 lbs or so. Sheesh!
Counseling, time, wisdom, another 15 years and I'm back, ready to look at all this again. Now with high blood pressure, sleep apnea, aching hips and knees, and a couple other things as well. Found a person in my life who said to me "you know that what you weigh doesn't matter to me. But I want you to be healthy. I want you to be around for a long, long time." Wow. And then I thought "hey, maybe I do too!". He also said "baby, I'll love you EVEN IF you get thin". I actually laughed aloud upon hearing those words, the irony in contrast to my life's experience. A beautiful sense of sweet and long-awaited relief in those words. And love.
I think I'm different than many, in that my late teen and adult years weren't filled with diet after diet. My later attempts with Weight Watchers were definately half-hearted on my part. Started hearing about surgical approaches several years ago. Wasn't really interested ~ and never looked into it.
Last year, I 'googled' about weight loss and started really reading about the processes. I have a dear friend who has been doing thorough study of this for some 5 plus years and listened to what she was learning as she shared. I wasn't very keen on the idea of having my intestines 'messed' with, even though the weight loss people were having was very impressive. I came across an advertisement for a LapBand seminar happening in two days. I though, "what the heck?" and went.
This was more appealing. I listened keenly to what the surgeon, nutritionist, and successful 'patient' shared with us. I had recently moved to Australia, and insurance works different here. The surgery is 'covered' , in large part, if you carry private insurance in addition to the national-provided health scheme. Has a year 'waiting period' for pre-existing conditions. But after the year is over, you need nothing more than a referral from your GP to a surgeon. At the time of the seminar, I had been on private health cover for only about three months. Nine months to study and think and wait.
In my researching I came across the VSG-Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Now THAT made sense. Simply, a smaller stomach that can't hold as much food. "How straightforward is that?" I thought? No fiddling with my intestines....no need for ports and needle sticks...a chance to change the physical structures while learning better and healthier ways to fuel and exercise the body.
I went to a second seminar~ with the same surgeon. Went with a more critical ear ~ thinking between the LapBand or the VSG. The seminar was only on the LapBand, and with all of my travel for work, I thought it might be a bit more 'upkeep' than I could handle predictably in my future. Still have three more months of waiting time until my "waiting period" was over. December 19, 2007 being the 'magic' day.
I made an appointment with the surgeon anyway...deciding to pre-pay the upfront consults to get things moving. My surgeon remembered me from the seminars, and was eager to talk when I brought in the things that I had printed off about the VSG--color picture and everything. I shared that i was leaning towards the VSG ~ and we had a great conversation and thought it would be a good match. I got names for the nutritionist, the phsy. who could do my consult, and the respiratiory professional about my apnea. The nutritionist and phsy. consult were covered by my 'extra's' on my insurance. And my follow-up visit with my to-be surgeon and the respiratory guy ended up costing me about $400.
I scheduled surgery for December 20, 2007. Just seems like the right thing to do FOR ME.
