shiftling

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So. I've been gone. Sorry. At first I was enjoying life, then my dad's health dropped. I moved closer to be near my dad. His Parkinson's and Dementia started winning out, and we had a very bad couple years, my mother and I. We had to put him in a home. That was when I started feeling The Hunger. I had a stressful fulltime job, my dad had fits and ended up getting violent in his first home...I let myself have treats now and then.

Then I needed them to keep going with my fulltime job.

My dad stabilized in a new home that worked well with him, and I felt free to move to Calgary and get some high-paying work. I had a great time, I was "normal" and "skinny." I dated, I even drank a bit. I got rid of all my debt working freelance on my own hours, it was great. 

I felt a great need to move back home, and did it with the wrong person. He abused me, I couldn't live under his roof without being yelled at for leaving a breadtag out in the kitchen. I couldn't have pets, I couldn't have friends. I shank into myself and became suicidal.

Then my dad got worse than before.

I started eating dried fruits to try and curb my CONSTANT NEED of snacking. 

My dad died September 2012. It was awful. I lived in the hospital for a week, never sleeping so my mom could. I got so bad that I became allergic to myself! My stress levels went so high my face puffed up like I was stung by a bee for 2 days.. Scared I would go into shock, the hospital staff sent me downstairs to Emerge... I ended up on an IV myself a floor below my dying father!

After his funeral, I still couldnt sleep.

I snacked more, I was prescribed antipsychotics. I started binge eating just to get myself to pass out.

I ended up in an altercation with the man I moved back with, and I cut my arm open a month after my dad died. I was so surprised with myself. I had really broken for the first time in my life and done it. I was hysterical as my one true friend drove me to the Emerge. I got 5 stitches and though I was told not to go back, I had to that night. I had to for myself, my strength. I needed to prove to myself I wasn't that flimsy. I slept back in the same house that night, but I moved out within a week.

Since then, I snacked out of control just to sleep and keep from having panic attacks.

I was prescribed more drugs, which made me more hungry.  Everything was out of control just treading water to keep myself from being suicidal again.

Well. I started to get better after that. I moved out of the 'emergency housing" my friend had lent me.  I moved in with another friend and started regaining control of my life. I started sleeping better without snacking, but he would constantly bring me food because I couldn't afford any. My weight steadily crept up, but I let that go because I needed less guilt in my life just to recover mentally.

Once I started to really get into the groove, I was taking laundry downstairs and I slipped.

I slid down half a basement stairwell on my feet, then landed with both ankles rolled the same way. My right ankle dislocated and broke in three places, including my fibula. I needed an ambulance, and I had surgery the next day.

 I now have 12 screws and a foot long plate all around my ankle. This was a year ago in March. I still can't walk right without proper boots on. No braces seem to work yet. 

The other month I spoke to an ankle surgeon and instead of giving me options, all he said was I have post-traumatic arthritis, my cartilage is shattered and jabbing into my bones at the joint... all he could do was shave down my bones and fuse my ankle. Well I refuse that! So I bought a new bike :D

I've recently moved with my sweet sweet boyfriend to our own apartment. I'm on Disability.

I'm primed and ready to start over now. I have missed you all!

The snacking is my problem. Because of my pain now, it's all I think about... Trying to control it with sugarfree drinks and coffee. I can't do water :(

I next need to get a hold of a scale. I tested my sister-in-law's out last week and it said I'm exactly 240 lbs again.

I decided not to feel guilty, for one thing I regained but it was over three years! Sometimes I would regain that in months. I'm still blaming myself for the snacking and carb choices I made. But in all, for my psychological standpoint, I'm easy on myself. More guilt means more snacks.

On top of my usual citalopram 60mg and Metformin, I need birth control to help me regulate my hormones. I was prescribed seroquel but only half of the smallest dose. A whole 25mg pill can knock me out for the night and the next day I am so easily exhausted. So to try and balance my lack of energy and no motivation, I was also prescribed 2mg Abilify daily.

 

I had a big swing of depression when SPRING of all seasons hit. It was weird and I'm glad I feel better.

I was low on iron and b12 so I'm taking Palafer daily and 1/2 a b50 4 times a day for two months. Whee!
I always get so tired on b vitamins wtf.

I've decided the forums here aren't worth reading.
Let's face it, we all grew up with social problems and don't know our boundaries, especially online. A giant group of socially inept peope who need therapy shouldn't throw random advice at each other constantly. They should just keep it positive.
Most people here don't.

So I'll do it on my own. :3

I'm shiftling on facebook. :)

Woo, I think I've hit a self-imposed wall.

Since I've had a month of going up and down 3-4lbs past the -65 mark.. I've had time to analyze myself and my mental ability to keep losing weight.  I'm avoiding it.

I'm not avoiding looking forward to being thinner, I'm still enjoying my hipbones and new bruisable parts and wider smile.

I just keep giving myself a break. Constantly. My hurting hip doesn't help, it's been 'out' of alignment (or re-aligning itself) for maybe 5 weeks now. It doesn't hurt like before, and I can pop it now but the muscles on my lower back side are what seem to be wondering what's going on with it. I keep meaning to see a chiropractor since my massage therapist friend already tried to fix it and says I need one. Poo. 
I let myself eat whatever I crave sometimes then go back on protein/veggie meals for a few days. I have had cookies. I had cheesecake for my birthday. I even have eggnoodle pasta. The most I've gained back is 6lbs in a week, and that could be hydration since nothing fit differently. I dunno. I'm still feeling like a dumbass.

Anyhoo! 
It's like I know I'm on the cusp of being cute and slightly flooby (new word! loose flab) to getting all raisin-like and floopity. I don't want to build up more muscle it makes me look manly. Also I'm on the cusp of being bugged by my mom because the change in looks will bother her. That I thought I was ready to handle. Oh well.

My thighs are driving me insane. My thighs have thighs. At least I can tuck my panni into something but my thighs! Ugh! It's like something explodied down there. I'm hoping they are shrinking but just slowly and I'm not noticing. D:

My arms have wings and will get worse, I know this. I am using weights and such but the more muscle definition I get the more scared I get lol!

Okay anyway. I haven't gone back over 200 and I'm damn proud of that. I'm wearing size 12 panfs and I look awesome in em. I have two garbage bags full of old clothes sized 16 to 22.

I have a pair of pants i waited 8 years to wear that look awesome on me.
Yay!!

I found that losing weight quickly really threw my system into hormonal overdrive and am constantly working to keep it a good pace. Even if I lose control I still lose weight, though. Right now my body wants a small meal every 4 hours, but sometimes I forget.

I currently can't afford to go to the gym, so I use my elliptical and weights at home :/

I feel great though!
I went from 21 pants to 13s. !!
My boobies havent shrunken much either!

I feel so lucky to feel so healthy, but I do have acid problems that need to be kept in check. If I forget to take an AC there's this one raw spot that's trying to heal in the upper tummy that, when food gets stuck, makes me whine in pain for a minute. :/
So I'm keeping on top of that. D:!!

After an ultrasound last month I still have symptoms of PCOS and was told to stay on Metformin. I'm okay with that, we'll see how it goes the more I lose.
My horrid food cravings I get each month are no longer horrid :) ...but I still have facial hair >:L.

It's a friend's birthday so we all met at Momo's. I shared green tea and ordered miso and picked out the chives and tofu with chopsticks. We had a great time!

The same was for my family, we visited at the cabin we have at the lake with my brother and his kids from Vancouver, one of the kids friends, my bf, and my parents. There was a feast of my fav--honey garlic chicken and fresh veggies with dip, potatoes with cheese, beer, and pastries. I didn't feel odd out at all, I just sipped my hot v8 and my chocolate shake for desert, all went well. Lotsa laughs and nice stuff. :)))

No one made a fuss, all my friends and family know since I decided I don't mind being open about it, I was heartily supported. I sometimes am asked some questions due to interest, which I was happy to answer.

Time seems to be going by slowly, yet it's already been a week!? :o!
I visited my family doctor and she re-dressed my incisions saying I might be allergic to the adhesive... I wasn't. At all. lol!
I'm not to exercise for a month, but I am allowed to casually walk. She said don't worry about the exercise right now, I'll lose weight no matter what and I need to let my insides heal with proper rest. But I'm so energetic! AAa!

I'm on thin liquids instead of clears now, woo! I mixed chicken broth with some low-sodium V8 and a scoop of anywhey, stirred it up (it was thin) and strained it, warmed it up... and it was HEAVEN. I started to have my first head-hunger cravings, and it's random foodstuffs every so often that I just want to nom. It passes if I distract myself or notice I'm not actually physically hungry. I think it's from being restless. I got cabin fever last night so I saw Dinner for Schmucks with the bf, it was good.. I sipped a thinned atkins shake and it took me the whole movie to finish one. I needed that, I was running low on energy a bit. The other three I'm going to be taking slowly.

I went for my third walk yesterday in the evening, rather quick pace compared since I have barely any pain and don't need pills for it now, and got home at dark around a half hour later, maybe longer.

I sat down in front of my bright monitor and started typing when my vision startedbecoming odd. It was like a crystalline blur kinda flashy/fractally decided to grow from the almost-center of both eyes, engulfing my vision within 5-10 minutes, then faded from the middle out to normal again.

Needless to say, I ended up in the ER.

140/80 heart
4.2 glucose
normal ekg
normal eye exam and acquity tests
was sent home after two hours in triage.

I am fine, I just wanted to be safe.
:)

After toddling around airports all day I got home around 1pm and promptly propped myself up on my side in bed and died until 5am when my drain port and sore abs decided to ask for a pill. Took pill, napped, had a great sleep btw, then got up to calls from friends asking me how everything went D:

So after handling all that, I drank some powerade zero and had some strawberry boonana protein water for breakfast (HEAVEN!)... which gave me so much energy I was on my recumbant bike / elliptical for an hour. O_o

My drain port's gauze came off and it's already healing closed, so my nurse online said it's okay to leave it off. Woo!

I did laundry.

I still am not hungry.

It's 3 somehow after taking care of a few things and I remembered to eat lunch. Mmmmm watery chicken broth with anywhey mixed in. :)

I already feel like a different person, like when I got back on facebook it was looking into the past. I used to constantly battle hormonal shifts in cravings and hunger all my life, and it's gone. It's like growing up with the radio blasting and someone found the off switch. I know it could be temporary, and I've already had passing thoughts of "making something" when emotional, but I found I wasn't really /hungry/ like before. I'm just enjoying this as much as I can. 

Oops, forgot to sip my lunch. lol!
  

Wow, what a ride! This surgery was so easy and mostly pain-free. I'm still surprised I had surgery.. I keep peeking at my incisions and drainbaggie lol.

Sweet people here, I'm so glad I chose this so far.
I've been freed from my IV!
Started "drinking" apple juice and tea, no leakies showing from the dye. Passing gas fine and peeing and burping all that fun stuff.

Yay!

i didnt sleep last night becauseof that explosive fire in kelowna, so flying was pretty interesting! slept on the plane all weird... got to the airport and met with driver instantly, he took careof us all the way to the hospital here in mexicali.. passed through el cajon! it was so neat to see my old haunts again!

Got my blood taken, xray, EKG, and given a preliminary antibiotic and an atavin. wow, i just took half and i'm so heavy. the hospital startled Darin--it doesn't look or feel or smell like one, he's jealous I get my operation here and of my care so far. Always someone speaking english on, and nurses and I still laugh even if there's a language barrier.

We were busy all day after that swimming, having fun at the hotel, and i was allowed to eat and drink whatever i wanted.. so i had carne asada with roasted peppers, guacamole, the mexican works! no cheddar here, the real thing...real tortillas! HEAVEN for a Canadian missing real Mexican! darin ordered two quesedillas and we shared 3 margaritas (i was allowed!) so yaaay! We napped until 9 then went for a night swim in the OTHER pool! Going to bed soon, not allowed to even drink water after 10pm so I'm all set for tomorrow. Got skype installed on both laptops now, so I can relaaaaax. Ahhhh.