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Hello to all out there in W.L.S. land! I have been soooo busy living life that I forgot to up-date my profile. I can not believe that it has been seven months since I blogged. WoW!! Well, there is a lot that is new in my life. I am still in the dating world, I am still in counseling for (well learning to see the 'new' me in a real way) in other words, I still have days where I feel like the fat girl and I do not eat. Saying that means a lot to me in my progress to over come this demon. I just will never be fat again! Now unto to other things, I am doing very well professionaly and I am trying to find time to enjoy and fit new things in to my new life. I adopted two new dogs (a chiwawa and a blk. lab/k-9 german shepherd mix), I am still going through a divorce but, I no longer blame myself of my soon 2b ex. And I am sporting a new hair style. Less blonde more red and brown. So far I have received mixed reviews: the majority prefer the blonde but I like the ginger. My weight is steady at 115 but I still have days where I want to weigh 100 pounds. I am not willing to put my body in jepardy to reach that weight. Oh! I received approval for my boobs and tummy!!!! So, I am looking forward to a new set of girls. That is all I am going to up-date for now because, I am tired. I can say that I am enjoying this moment in my life and making the choice to have this surgery has been the best gift I could have ever given myself. Thank God. Good luck to everyone out there in your persuit of W.L.S. regardless of what stage you are in. Remember to love yourself as you are and know that you deserve to be happy and healthy. Reach 4 the stars! Hugs and kisses, ~Shop-a-holic

Hey there, Okay, so the first couple of weeks of 2007 have prooven to be adventuresome to say the least. I am dating two new guys! They are both sooo hott!! I am still wrestling w/ my eating but, at least I have my head on strait. I am officially ending my marriage and I am working on both of my careers. I changed my hair to a darker color so that people LISTEN to me instead of LOOKING at me! My 'friend' told me that if I do not want others to look at me, then I should just stay in the house. Okay, so I am still dealing with some 'crap.' Currently, my hormones are under control so that my 'mind' can function properly. Let me tell you it is not as easy as it sounds. I am re-doing myself again (in terms of fashion). My new look is a little more edgy w/ a conservative twist.. I just feel like I need to re-invent myself for the New Year. You know, New Year, New You or Me! I have made strides in that direction and I feel like for the first time, I am in control of my life and my destiny. I have positive adrenaliene pumping through my veins.. And noting will detour me this time. I am a better a mother, friend, and person because of this new outlook. My family, although curious, is supportive of my 'new' attitude. My weight has gone up a few pounds and I am dealing with that. My family is estatic but, I am freaking out!!! I am trying to keep the weight on, but it is not easy. I NeVer want to be FAT! again!!! I will do whatever it takes to stay under 120lbs. I want to be 105 lbs. but my labs and my energy suck at that weight. Passing out is not cool! Why can't I be happy at this weight? I still am in a size 0-2 but I feel fat. Why is the numbert so important? Why does 9 lbs. make such a big difference to me? Why does my body look fat at this weight? Why doesn't anyone understand? It is a lonely world here and only ohters who understand why not eating makes you feel stronger and preetier understand the struggle. They do not judge you and call you 'names' because you want to look good in clothes. I am fitting into things that I never imagined I would wear. I have had to alter all of my clothes including my size 0 jeans because they are too big! That makes me feel good and very beautiful. Too bad if others do not understand my opinion. I have decided to keep it too myself and share it only with those who understand the price that one must be willing to pay for beauty. To go from not being in Victoria's Secret to wearing a size XS (X-tra Small) in Victoria Secret is short of a miracle to me. I won't trade that for anything in the world. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. That is a fact! Anyway, to anyone out there in WLS Land, I wish you luck. It is one hell of a ride that I would not exchange for anything in the world. Good Luck to ya' ~Ela By the way I have a myspace page...feel free to drop in and take a peak at www.myspace.com/stylediva/stylediva4ever.

Well, hello to everyone out there in WLS Land. I have been lazy about updating my page because the new system is just too confusing to me. My teenager is helping me to navigate through the changes. Okay so what has happened in the last two months? Well, I was supposed to attend a luncheon in Fresno in October but that did not happen because my nephew got injured playing football. After that everything just seemed to snowball in good and bad ways. I met Paige Gellar-Adams of Paige Premium Denim jeans at Nordstrom in San Jose. That was cool, she is so pretty and down to earth. We talked for a spell and I told her how her jeans were my first pair of 'skinny' jeans and only her jeans give my butt the perfect lift. I did not do anything for halloween because, I just was not in the mood. I had my two year check up in November and the Doctor said that I looked fabulous! My sister and I made the trip to San Diego and we visited with relatives. My personal life is still in turmoil and dating is on the back burner for now. It is too bad because, their have been a lot cute potential prospects. My biological clock is ticking like crazy. I do not know why and I have been so hormonal lately. I am still modeling but, now I think that I am ready to take the next step into acting. I want to take some classes and boost my resume. Other than that I am hanging out with my girls and raising my son. I just updated a picture that shows me in a pair of Paige Premium Jeans and a size XS turttle neck. My boobs are bigger, no thanks to implants. My life is in a happy place and I am still learning new things every day. Okay, now for the 'what I know' portion of this update. It has been two years since I crossed over to the other side. My sister, one of my best friends, and I celebrated my two year surgiversary at P.F. Changs drinking champagne and eating (for the record I had coconut curried vegetables w/ a little brown rice). We exchanged stories and then went to see a movie. The night was about friends and family and not food! As I see it I spent the first year loosing weight and loosing control in so many other areas of my life. The second year I spent getting to know this 'new' body and the mind that comes along with it. I have learned to draw boundaries and not communicate with anyone who is not a positive contribution to my life. I am learning not only to select healthy food but health people/friends, and healthy hobbies. I think I have a better understanding of what I want out of life for me and for my son. Making the choice to change my body has given me the strength to take responsibility for and change my lfe. I had to admitt where my bad choices contributed to the negativity in my life. I can not undue my mistakes but I can correct them by taking healty steps in the right direction. It has been a slow process but, I would not trade it for anything in the world because, I appreciate my life's successes. I will continue to grow and change and face challenges head on. My life is full of friends and family who love and support me for who and what I am. I am truly blessed and thankful for where I am today. So, last year was about going through the process of change and this year was about taking control (the honey-moon stage is over) and ownership of my life's direction. Last year was about my body, this year was about my mind. This time next year I want to be renewed spiritually and I want to close my book deal. To everything else that comes my way I say "bring it on..." I am open to all oppurtunities that come my way, in short I am finally free. To anyone else considering this surgery I say unto you to think before you leap. But be ready to embrace accontability, change, and responsibility. Surgery is done on our stomachs, not our minds. WLS is a tool, when used correctly, can make a world of difference. I am happy and I can truly say nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Two years ago I was in a size 22/24 and today I am in a size 0 or 00. Thank God! Also, exercise the tools of this website, it is a invaluable source of information and support. Untill next year, take care. Have a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!! ~Ela

Hello all, the past month has been very interesting. Writing is a good thing for me because, I am in vulnerable place. It's so weird, to have so many things going well for me but, I still feel angry and confused. Yesterday, Mellissa R. posted some of her struggles on the board and it seemed to open up this chism (I don't even know if that's a word) of pain for me. I ended up pouring out some of my feelings, via a post, to a group of people that I do not know. Although, I did not say everything, I said enough and people identified with me. It is embrassing to say "Oh, I starve myself because, I am TERRIFIED of being fat again." It sounds so superficial and vain. I realized that we all struggle with the same problem and that is FOOD. It's all a compusion, over-eating and under-eating. We are doing to compensate for something that is void and un-resolved in our lives. I thought that I had a grasp on things but, this past month has been 'rough.' I really feel FAT! I have been looking at pictures of me pre-op as an incentive to not eat. So far, so good. Anyway, I am going to put down exactly what I wrote yesterday. Melissa, Once again, my hat is off to you, on how well you articulate the fears that most of us have. It is a relief to know that we are not struggling alone. I hate the fact that, even after WLS, I am still having issues with food. I have given food the power to "ruin" my life. Food is supposed to be a source of sustenance, not a crutch. I thought that I had dealt with my problems prior to surgery but, boy was I wrong. My problems began when I reached goal! You know, you get comfortable, and you get used to the "oohs and the ah's and the Oh my God, you look wonderful" comments. What you don't realize is that, while the positive attention is good for your self esteem, you get 'everything' that comes along with that territory! So, if you gain weight they will comment on it as well, except those comments will be made in their minds. You can not get mad with someone for observing something that is well...obvious (I am guilty of making these observations myself). Because, I have been there [being over weight], I do not judge the person as an out of control greedy individual. I just note that something in their life is out of balance. At least when a person struggles with alcohol or drugs it can be masked and is often accepted with empathy from the general public. However, when you struggle with food, it shows in the hideous form of 'fat' and the world judges with cruel eyes and little compassion. I believe that we are conditioned to think in terms of aesthetics because, what the world defines as 'beautiful' is blasted in front of our faces everyday; in the media, on the covers of magazines, on huge billboards, on the radio. The perception that thin or mega-thin is beautiful is etched into the minds of America and it rarely comes across as being 'healty.' It's you feel as if you must confrom and be thin by 'any means necesary because, the world will embrace you. I find myself fighting that thought every day because I do not want to be 'fat' again. When I am having a very bad day I look in the mirror and I see a 240lbs woman. Logically, I know that I am not 240 lbs. but inside my 'mind' I am 240lbs and that terrifies me. Thus, I find that I am still allowing food to control my life! I eat as little as possible because I am terrified of food. And yes, like you Melissa, I make jokes and now I even lie about what I eat. So, I find that I am right back where I started at the start of my journey, with the huge exception that I now weigh 108 lbs. I still have no control over food! WTF! I am still trying to figure out why, I can not accept myself. I know that I am jepordizing my health and damaging my body with my un-healthy actions. During the last two years I have had to take inventory over my life. I realize that monitoring the 'good' things that go into my body is not limited to food. It is inclusive of my choice in friends, family, exercise, and train of thought. I have total control of identifying what is good for me and what needs to go away. And like food, the choices are not always easy and not always plesant. I now, have to be honest with MYSELF, inorder to be at peace. I have to take power from my new found self-esteem and stop apologizing or feeling guilty when I make decisions that are in my best interest. I am still getting to know me and what works for me. Anyway, I said 'all of this' just to let you know that we ALL struggle together. What bonds all of us into this 'sister-hood' (okay..there are some fella's out there too) of sorts, is that we all battle a food 'compulsion' of sorts, and it often carries the burden of being painful, shameful, and even scary at times. We are all fighting to gain or re-gain control of an area that is out of control and that can be a terrifying experience. What we all have to realize is that we are in this together. We fall down, but thanks to God's grace, we rise again (usually with the assistance of others) stronger and hopefully wiser. We are all beautiful works in progress. Be encouraged, you are on the right track! Thank you for your beautiful, honest post. Love ya' ~Ela I also answered another one of her posts and I realized I was answering and addressing some problems that I still have. You are taking responsibility for your actions and that is one of the most important tools that you need inorder to conquer this problem. I enjoy reading your posts because you are always so introspective and in touch with your issues. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. We all have issues with food and it is something that we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives. Although, I am not on constant vigil of what I eat, I am AWARE of what goes into my mouth. I identify with what you said about looking into the mirror and seeing the "fat" girl. That is my struggle and I 'war' against that image every day. I think that when you loose huge amounts of weight rapidly, your mind does not have time to catch up with your body. I think the first year after WLS we spend time loosing weight, the second year we spend time enjoying the result, and now we have to spend time actually 'living' and 'maintaining' our new bodies. The weight of using our tool (I call it my gift) is totally on us......talk about a wake up call! I truly understand that WLS is performed on the stomach and not the head (mind). Yet the mind is where the root of the problem is firmly seeded. I applaud you for having the courage to share your struggles with all of us. I think that, although we all wrestle with different individual struggles, it is not the 'problem' that makes us wiser. It is how we choose to solve it that makes the difference. I am sure that you will weather this storm with dignity and grace, you will win! I have not posted anything today because, I needed to step back and analyze my feelings. I also do not want to come off as a Doctor Phil/Oprah, know it all. And I do not want to offend anyone on the boards by always giving advice. Some people are not as receptive as others and I know that I can come across as a self centered know-it-all. But, I am getting closer to starting a support group of my own for people who struggle with food issues. I just do not know how I am going to balance everything in my already, very busy life. On a more positive note, I met Paige Adams-Geller of Paige Premium Denim jeans. She was a 'fit' model for Seven Jeans and Citizens of Humanity Jeans. I was so 'stoked!' She is beautiful inside and out. I told her about my journey and how it was my goal to get into a pair of Seven Jeans but, I ended up purchasing her jeans instead because of the fit. We talked and she gave me a personal autographed picture. I posted the pics. from the Nordstrom event on my profile. Oh! I actually got over my paranoia enough to post pics. of myself on the website. Career wise, I did two more photo shoots and they were very good. I am getting more comfortable with the camera and I am making more contacts. Dating is...interesting but fun! I just concentrate on having a good time and enjoying the moment! I am looking forward to meeting others from the OH site this weekend. Oh! I went to the Ren Faire in September and I dressed up as a gypsy, it was fun! I finally got a Brazilian and I have to say that the pain was not bad at all. Infact getting the back of my thighs waxed hurts more than getting my "coutie" area waxed. The doctor said that I need to cut back on my exercising if I plan to have a baby. She said that I need to gain weight inorder to strengthen my body. My biological clock is in over-drive! I want to do all of these things but, it all scares me to death! Can I be a good mother, sister, and friend if I am persuing all of these goals? Does that make me selfish? Anyway, that is all that I am going to write for now.... Oh! My weight is still stable 108lbs and my sizes are the same! Highlight for the month: *Meeting Paige Adams-Geller and purchasing another pair of size 25 jeans. *Date @ Boulevards in San Francisco! Take care, ~Ela

August 24, 2004 Today is the start of my journal. I am 5'2" and currently weigh 234 lbs. This is the heaviest that I have ever been. I am miserable. I have selected a docor his name is Doctor Milton Owens and he is affliliated with the Alvarado Medical Group in San Diego. If anyone has any opinions regarding him or the hospital please let me know.Currently I am in the phase of submitting my paper work and medical history to the surgeon in preperation for submitting to the insurance company. I must tell you this sight and the honest inspirational stories that I have read this far have been a tremendous help. You know that people on this sight understand the battle and the reasons for this "drastic" choice. So, thus begins my journey into the realms of weight loss surgery. Wish me luck. Good luck and God's blessings to all of you in the various stages of this journey. August 31,2004 Well, this is just a quick update to let you know that I am still submitting paper work to the Alvarado Medical facility in San Diego. I am trying to mentaly prepare myself for the surgery as it seems more realistic now that I am sending paperwork into my surgeon. I look at all the beautiful pictures on this sight and I want that inner and outter beauty for myself. There are so many things that I would like to pursue after getting this surgery does that make me a coward if I am not pursuing them now? I wonder if anyone knows anything about a support group in the southbay please feel free to e-mail me. I am also curious about post op. eating. I understand that I must drink the liquid protein shakes for a month and I know that there are vitamins that I have to take ( I was told that the nurse would give me details when she called) Thank you for the kind e-mails that I have received they are truly encouraging. I feel as if I am among friends here on this website. Are there anymore people persuing surgery with Dr, Owens please feel free contact via e-mail. Gods speed and blessings to all of you in your various stages of weight loss journey. ~Ela September 3,2004 Hello all just a quick update. The nurse from Alvarado Medical center called on Thursday and went over my paperwork with me. I was totally exicited after the phone call because I feel the proverbial ball is really rolling. She was patient and answered all of my questions in a truthful manner. She also gave me information regarding the shakes and the vitamins. Dr. Owens wants me to start drinking 64oz. of water and walking thirty minutes a day now. Anyway besides running behind my busy 16 month old and behind my active 16 year old and trying to keep cool in all of this heat everything is still the same. I went to Lane Bryant to pick up a new cudroy blazer and couldn't help but think that I am on my way out of this store. Now I can not completely bad mouth the store because it has been there for me when other stores have not. That being said when I pass the windows of Express or browse through the 'narritive and induvidualist' departments at Nordstrom and the Impulse and INC (misses) departments in Macys my heart does desire more variety. Mind you I go to these stores alot because I am an image consultant and I have completely done the wardrobes of my sister, my best friend, and my sixteen year old daughter. It is hard to go from those departments to Lane Bryant or the "Encore" department in Nordstrom. I know that I sound vain but I want to dress the way that I feel. Anyway this is a long post and has gone way off of the point. I welcome hearing from anyone and to all of you out here in WLS land may The Lord continue to watch over you and lead you along your journey. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ September 7, 2004 Happy post labor day to all. Well, I have faced a fact. I know that the Good book says that we should not envy but, I am guilty. Yes, my fellow WLS siblings, I have been looking through some of the profiles and when I see how wonderful some of you look I am filled wth feelings of pure green eyed jealousy. I know that we all have to "travel" the journey and I am willing to take the trip I just wish I was in transit instead of waiting here on the docks looking for my WLS ship. I have been reading how some people make lists of all of the things that they are going to do post surgery and I think that I am going to do that tonight. I am more pumped than ever to have the surgery after watching Star Jones and Anna Nicole Smith on the View this morning. They are so skinny and beautiful. I do not know what they did but I sure like the results. I know that this surgery is not a quick fix but after reading some of the posts about complications and even death I am having some feelings of aprehension. Did anyone else experience this pre-op? Anyway, I have loads of laundry to do. Please take care of your selves, you are all in my prayers. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ September 14, 2004 Hello to all, this is just a quick update to let all interested people know the current status of my journey. I spoke with the insurance person at the doctor's office and she said that I needed to get in my psychiatric evaluation and my letter from one last doctor. After that they are going to gather all the information and submitt it to the insurance company for approval. I spent today visiting several daycare centers being that my 16 month old is going to be in daycare for at least six to seven weeks. It is a scary prospect but I believe that I managed to find a good "normal" Christian day care and I am going to start him part time next week. I was also very blessed to speak on the phone with someone from the sigh who had surgery and guess what??!!! She lives right here in San Jose....thank you and God bless you Sylvia...Good luck on your plastic surgery today!!! After speaking with her and Gloria...hey girl thanks for the info....I feel much more informed about my decision. I still think that I am going to stick with Dr. Owens because my Spirit telling me that he is "the" one and his extensive experience with this procedure and laprascopic surgery. So, I will be flying down to San Diego and I also found out today that I will have to remain down there for ten to fourteen days inorder to have my drains removed. I am looking into counseling and O.A before and during the surgery do that I do not out eat my tool. If I am taking action this drastic I do not plan on sabatoging myself. I am still in the process of making my "to do" as and after I loose weight. I can not wait to be healthier, stronger, and slimmer. I have decided that by doing this I am giving myself and my family the gift of a happier me. Anyway, it is late and I am exhausted. I thank God for this website, its members, and its wealth of knowledge. Please keep me in yours prayers and I will do the same. Again all advice and suggestions are welcome. May the Lord watch over and guide you in whatever stage of the journey you all are in at this point. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ October 16, 2004 Well, hello to all. I have not posted in awhile because I have been running around getting all of my paper work prepared to submit to Aetna. I finally had my psych. evaluation on Thursday 10/14/04 and it was a breeze. We are going to meet on Monday to go over the letter and once this step is complete we will send it to the surgeon and they will finally submitt all of my paper work to Aetna for approval. I hope that they hurry because I want to have this surgery while my deductable is met. I wish that they had a decent support group in this area because the road can be slow and lonely at times. I am looking forward to having this procedure and I believe that writing about my journey is a good thing because I will have a journal of my experiences. I am still in the process of compiling my "wish list" and I am still fearful of complications. I know I have to accept and deal with my fear. Today, I went to the mall and bought alot of "The Body Shop" products with my husband. I had a good time but, the entire time I was out I was continuously pulling my shirt down to cover my ample bottom. I felt like a wale and maintaining an air of calm is, shall we say, difficult when one is physically uncomfortable. The lady who helped me in the store was very beautiful and fit (not bone skinny but healthy) which of course made me feel even bigger. I think that I am slightly obsessed with the fact that I believe that I am larger than most people. My hubby and family are upset with me because they do not know how to help me. I do not expect them to help me with this inner conflict but I feel guilty that they feel helpless. Is anyone else out there facing simmilar demons? Anyway it is very late and I just ranting. Good luck to all of you out there no matter what stage you are in, on your WLS journey. God Bless you all. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ October 20, 2004 Well all, my surgeons office finally submitted my information for approval. The lady at the insurance company told Lisa @ Dr.Owen's office that a nurse from Aetna would call her back and request more information. I hope that the nurse calls her soon because I have met my deductible for the year and I am hoping to schedule my surgery before the new year. So, all keep your fingers crossed and pray for me. I wish you luck in all of your stages of this journey. Take care. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ October 25, 2004 Good morning, my fellow WLS friends. I'm was up rather early today because, my youngest (sixteen month old) woke up around 6:00a.m. running a low grade fever. He is cutting two teeth and has a cold at the same time. I have him in day care three days a week in preperation for the procedure. So, now after feeding and giving him a morning bath we are sitting on the sofa {I am updating my profile and he is looking at The Wiggles (he is obsessed). I just had to come on this sight and vent a bit. I know that I submitted everything last week but the waiting is sooo..... hard. I guess that I find it frustrating because it took me some time to gather all of the needed documents to submitt to the insurance company. Anyway, I just wanted to post that I am looking forward to having this procedure so that I can get on the other side. You know I have to say this before I close, I was invited to a Halloween birthday party and the only reason I do not want to go is because I do not want to look like "the great pumpkin." I love planning parties and dressing other people for outings but as of late "fixing" myself up is a task that frankly depresses me. I look forward to the day when I can dress up and look and feel sexy. Don't we all. Anyway, my prayers go out to all of you in the various stages of your journey. I hope that my positngs help someone considering this procedure. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ November 2, 2004 Hello all of my WLS family. Today is a total "vent" day. I am still waiting for approval from the insurance company. I found out yesterday that another lady @ Alvarado Hospital, Peggy re-sent all 49 pages of my file. I do not know what more I could do. I know that everything happens for a reason but i just knew that I would be at home recovering this week. I started this process in August and my husband, sister, and loved ones are waiting until the last minute to take time off of work. The new year is just around the corner and I did not want to have surgery around the holidays (with regards to my family and plane fares) and I guess that is going to happen. I am just plain frustrated with the entire process. That being said I know that good things come to those who wait. I have a side issue to vent. My close friends know that I am looking into having surgery and now all of a sudden they are all going to the gym and going on "serious" diets. Now, do not get me wrong I so support all of my friends and I love them dearly. I am not arrogant enough to think that I am motivating them to take better care of their bodies and mind their diets. I do not know, i just think that it is food for thought. I wish that there was a Northern California support group but... alas maybe I will consider trying to get one together. I love the California messege boards, I am still in the post reply stage of things. I am working up the nerve to post a topic. I think that the people on the board are nice and knowledgeable and they provide kind of a sounding board for our inner unvoiced fears and concerns. It has been a priceless source of information to me. Oh! I went into the MAC store on Sunday and the guy told me that I was sooo gorgeous. He asked to do my make up and told me that I had fabulous eyes. I love going there or to the MAC Nordstrom counter....they help my ego. I do not always buy something from them but they will also stop me if they are somewhere else in the mall and give a hug. One even invited me to a Halloween party....which I turned down. I like to have a good time but when I do not feel good about myself I can not. Everyone tells me that they do not see me as being "fluffy" because I am so pretty and I dress so well. (Now, not to sound conceited....but I do know clothes and make up). I figure if this is the body that I am stuck with for awhile then I might as well dress it well. That being said, it does not make carrying around this weight any easier. Which brings me back to my previous point...I am thankful for the messege board. I read the posts and then the profiles and I understand that many of them traveled this same path with great success. I look up to them and pray thay my day will come soon. Anywho, I vented and I feel some what better. I am praying that the Lord be with you all. Take Care. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` November 19, 2004 Okay this is soo... ghetto but I keep a written joutrnal re; my weight loss experience. So, I am going to attempt to transfer the highlights from the last 14 days or so...bear with me ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~November 3,2004 I spoke with Joe @ Aetna and she said that I had been assigned a nurse case worker and her name is Lola. She informed me that the actual paper work was faxed yesterday so, basically my 30-60 days of review period starts there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ November 5, 2004 It's my DH's birthday! I have arranged for my sister to pick him up from work (my brother is going to take his car home) and drop him off at a romantic restaurant. From there we will go to a beautiful hotel where I will spend the next two days seducing him and being his.........well use your imagination. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ November 8, 2004 Hello all, the dh and I had a WONDERFUL weekend. Let's just say he he thinks that I am the ultimate seductress. I arranged 48 tealight and tall candles all around the room and my best friend in the world ( I love you Celeste) stayesd behind while we went to dinner and lit them. She also disinfected the tub (I hate germs) and filled it with fragrances and rose petals. She sprinkled petals on the bed (in the shape of a heart) and along the candle arrangements. She lit them when I called her from the restaurant bathroon after we had payed the bill. Needless to say when we walked into the hotel room he was floored. I gave him a long bath, dried him off, wrapped him in a new bitrhday robe, and sat him down on the chaise. He watched television while I took a shower. Let's just say that I set the tone for the rest of the weekend. He went home Sunday afternoon grinning ear to ear. When we hot home my brother, sister, and best friend had a surprise party waiting for him. My brother is a wonderful cook prepared turkey (I know thanks giving is-a-lurking), fresh green beans, rice, and cranberry sauce. Needless to say our night did not wrap up untill 1:30a.m. Anyway I just wanted to share the joy of the weekend. Now onto the WLS stuff... Lisa, from Alvarado Medical Center, called me @ 10ish and told me Aetna called her requesting my wieght loss history from 2000 and 2001. I told them that they (Alvarado Medical Center) already had my information, it was included in the two 49 page faxes they were sent. Anyway, I ended up getting on the phone, ringing the ob/gyn's office as well as my PCP, and asking them to send the necessary documents. This went off woth out a hitch. I was a little discouraged so I went to OH and started pouring over the before and after pics. I lurked on the messege boards, and I prayed. That probably is not the correct order to do things but it worked for me. I thank the Lord for this site....I read and see the profiles of others who have gone before me, who fought for their approvals and did not give up hope. It has encouraged me to do the same. Anyway God's blessings to those of you in your various stages of surgery. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ November 16, 2004 I called Aetna myself and spoke with my case manager. She was "very" nice and we hit it off. She told me to call her back in four hours and she would let me know if I was approved. She called me back right on time and told me that she had submitted my chart to the medical director with her recommedation but he had gone home for the day. So, she said she will call me first thing in the morning and let me know what is going on. I am sooo... excited I just feel like something great is going to happen (thank you Jesus). I went shopping with my sister in the evening and I did not buy anything because I refuse to buy another "huge" article of clothing! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ November 17, 2004 I'm APPROVED!!!!!! And that is exactly what I posted on the Cali. messege board. I am so stoked...I can not believe that I am APPROVED!!!! I just feel like this surgery is going to give me the courage to do the things that I have avoided for so long. Thank you God. Oh! Let me not forget to add that they have set a date of December 10, 2004 for surgery (I fly down on the 9'th for a pre-op physical)!! I can not believe that this date is less than one month away. I am so happy we put our son in daycare roughly two months ago (two to three times a week) in anticipation of me having surgery. I do not want to be in the hospital trying to heal, worrying about our little prince. My dh is going to stay with him because we both, rarely, like to be away from him at the same time. So, my sister is going to fly down with me and stay. I received so many well wishes from the Cali board members and I am so grateful that they took the time to congratulate me. I responded to nearly everyone thanking them for their generosity. I am glad this is actually going to happen....someone pinch me and tell me that I am not dreaming. Okay so that last line does sound a bit corny but who cares...this is my personal page. Later and God bless. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ November 18, 2004 Today, I am still "high" on life. My sister, best friend, dh, and I all went to see the new Brigette Jones movie. I love Colin and Hugh, the accents give me goose bumps. I have to share a hilarious story... when my best friend came over (we met at my house) I was typing a response on the Cali. boards. She knows that I "hate" e-mails, I use the phone or send a card (it's just me), I hate ATM's as well, I like going in the bank (there just is no substitute for person to person interaction). Anyway, she called me a "BFC." I was like, "'What the hell is a BFC?" She said it stands for BEST FRIEND CHEATER! I died of laughter because she set up a Yahoo instant messenger account for me when she gave me my computer (she and my brother gave me a laptop loaded with a bunch of stuff that I either do not understand or will never use) and I always forget to turn it on. One day it was on and I did not know it. My computer was making all of these psycadelic sounds, so I called her and she was laughing. She told me it was my instant messenger....I remedied that problem by turning it off. I forget to turn it on unless they (my friends) call me. I write, I love MS word because it is what I use on the computer but the other stuff just confuses me. I am gadget illiterate...it's pathetic because I am only 30. Anyway, today is a good day only three more weeks until I cross over!!!! Later and God bless. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ November 19, 2004 Today, I am exhausted. I spent part of my day shopping with my best friends "thin" co-worker. Word gets around and the next thing you know everyone is demanding your services. Anyway, this chick was beautiful and a size 4 to boot.....however she was fashion backward. She is going to a gallery opening, with a hot guy on Sat. so we did wardrobe and make up consults. I wish I could really do this full time, I love seeing people happy and beautiful. I hope that after I reach goal, I will have the courage to jump this industry and make my mark as a full time image consultant/Life Coach. I want to spend my life helping others realize their potential and leading them to understand the need to love 'one's' self. I sound like Yoda! Anyway, I can see the goal coming to pass...I am in the process of giving my life an extreme makeover. How cool! I just hope that I do not have to call extreme makeover for hanging skin problems!!!! On another note..... I have been posting like a mad woman on the boards trying to prepare myself as much as possible for my journey. I have reached to pre-ops, a new post-op, and veteran post-ops in an effort to understand this journey. I have to say that I am truly surprised by the openess in which most responded. Let's face it....it is scarey to reach out to a total stranger (who could be a psycho) for intimate information. So, I am grateful for the support and responses from truly angelic Cali girls. Thank you for your help. Anyway, I need to go I have to do hair tonight. Oh! Did I mention that I do that on the side I have been booked (SOLID) since certain people found out and they want their hair done for the holidays. It is a blast! I have been getting desperate calls from people wanting me to get their (holiday) clothing together before "the day." You would think that I would have spruced up my web page by now. I am so slow sometimes. Well, I will get around to it soon .....maybe before my date. Who knows. Life is good and I am exercising my right to enjoy this moment. I may not say this on Monday but I wil say it now. Good night and God bless. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ November 30, 2004 Hello all. I have been lagging on regular updates. I hope that everyone had a great thanksgiving holiday. My holiday was pretty chaotic and at the end of the day the only thing that I wanted to do was take a couple of personal days for my family and I. I checked and returned a lot of e-mail and now I am updating my personal page. I first want to say a huge THANK YOU to Lynnda S. for agreeing to be my angel. I look up to her as a great role model for weight loss. I also want to thank Jenn Scott....I am glad that I had the chance to get the perspective of a recent post-op. I can not wait to meet some of you guys next week. Well, I am sitting here "fasting" for my pre-op blood work @2;30 P.M. (It's like 12:30p.m.) and thinking about what this surgery actually means to me. I mean it's like I have a compulsive nature anyway (shopping, reading what have you....whatever I do, I give it all that I have) That being said I have researched this surgery to death and I have spoken with a counselor ( I have a 9 year degree in counseling that is why I think that I am prepared now...... Maybe?) Anyway, I was thinking that when you meet people you can allow them to see whatever you choose to let free however; when it is just you all by your "lonesome" you can not lie to yourself. I can not lie when I update this profile/journal because I will know that it is not the truth. I know that I am getting this surgery because I feel fat and ugly no matter how much make-up you apply, or how many clothes you purchase....the outte shell is still "there." I hate looking at my huge clothes and even avoid looking at my underwear (not my bra's .....I love my girl's)....I am soo ashamed at what I have become. How did it come to this? I want to be able to go to a store and shop because it is my choice not because there are only three stores in the mall that carry my size. I have stoped apologozing and thinking myself "vain." If I look better then I will feel better (on the inside) and doesn't that make me a healthy person. Introspection is a scary place to dwell. I know that as my day approaches I am coming closer to making my dreams come true. I have two beautiful children, the best friends that a gal can ask for, a good husband, and a "crazy" loving family. The only thing missing is.....a body to match my vision of myself. This (the surgery) is the first thing that I have ever done "exclusively) for me. I did not consult anyone except for God and my husband.......and in the end I went with "my" heart. I can not make them feel better about my decision or make them understand........I can only ask them to trust that I am doing what is best for me and what will make me happy. They may not like it but they chose to accept it because of their love for me. I feel that I am very blessed to be surrounded by them and at the same time I feel very much alone. The only people who understand are the one's on the boards who have traveled this underground journey. I feel that more people are aware of this procedure but at the same time you also feel like you are part of some secret society. I sound like a dork... Anyway enough for now....I think that I am going to make a big pot of soup tonight and dare to dream with my family. One thing that I find interesting lately is t hat as my day draws near I find myself loving my near and dear one's more. I am more aware and I pay more attention to those around me as of late. I want to do as much as possible for my 83 year old aunt, I want to spend quality time with those close to me. Maybe it is an awareness of my mortality dawning on my subconscious. With that last statement I am going to conclude this entry. God bless you all. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ January 24, 2005 hello all. Boy have I been lazy in updating my profile it is just that this has been a very emotional journey for me. I find that there are thngs that I am still working through that I have to suddenly deal with. So, needless to say, this is not a very pretty time for me. But in Ela fashion I am going to do another "ghetto" update from my writen journal. So, here goes! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ December 8, 2004 this is exactly what I posted today on the Cali message boards. At first I was embrassed but then I thought Hell this is how I feel and who knows who is experiencing the same thing. I received many wonderful responses and well wishes. this sight is a blessing I will never forget. I Can Not Believe it Has Finally Come to This! Hello fellow WLS Sibs, First of all let me apologize in advance this is a long emotional post! As some of you may or may not know I have been MIA for some time now. I try to respond and send an encouraging post here and there. I am terrified and embrassed I can not believe that I have let myself go to the point that it has come to this. Because of my lack of "something" I need have this procedure. I keep thinking what if I fall into that 1% mortality group or what if I have a major complication? What if I fail at this too! What if my hair falls out? Wig city here I come! I have a responsibility to look good at all times! And yes, I am admitting that I am a "slightly" shallow person. I mean I always felt that as an overweight individual I had ot compensate by looking better, being smarter, achieving more,etc...... Yes, I know the answer to all of that and after eight years of counseling, I am still "working on it." I am sorry if you are a pre-op and reading this but, right now it is how I FEEL. As the "day" draws near I find myself embracing my mortality all of my nearest and dearest. I feel guilty when I go on the Cali. board because I feel that I am taking time away from my family I have been running around like a crazy person taking Christmas pictures with the children, making and freezing all kinds of pie batter for my family. I have doing as much as possible to make up for the guilt of me being out of commission for the holidays. I still have to catch up on laundry and the "date" is just around the corner. I just feel overwhelmed....I have been experiencing fits of tears. I do not understand all of this emotional, irrational behavoir I am a very grounded and rational person but I am not handling this very well. Prayer, these boards, and pouring over before and after profiles sustained me during the process of waiting for my insurance approval. Now that I have it and a date to boot, I find my happiness is converting to sheer panic. I sound like a psycho ha? I feel like I am rambling or coming unglued. Am I risking my life for health and yes...a lot of vanity? It is a rhetorical question but one that remains to feed the guilt monster I am the type of person who likes to help others and suggest solutions, so reaching out for is not one of my strengths. I did not know where else to turn and I came "home" to the board. I know that I need to surround and submerge myself in people who have had or are on this pivotal WLS journey. The truth is while others sympathize, they can not understand because they have not walked the walk. I feel as if we are all part of some kind of secret society......a brotherhood of sorts. I guess I am asking if anyone else pre-op experienced this "WTF am I about to do to my body panic attack?" If so, what pulled you through your funk? For those who reply, Can you please state your progress thus far in your WLS journeys?....Believe me it is encouraging and it helps! Lastly, to all of you who have posted to my surgical support page...I say thank you soooo.... much for taking the time to post...it is very humbling And to Lynnda... Thank you for being my You all rock! Okay, now I am taking a deep breath because all of these thoughts have been vented. "insane in the membrane!" I have to let go and let God. Hugs and Uncertain Smiles, ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ December 9, 2004 Well I am in San Diego now. I will meet my surgeon for the first time and I am a little nervous about that. My sister and I arrived last night and my friend met us at the airport and guided us to his home (we rented a car). I met the surgeon and his assistant. They were very open and patient. All of my questions were answered and I feel better about my up and coming opperation. I decided not to pig out today but to take it easy. So we went to the mall, had a bite of lobster tail and a small salad from the Fish Market for lunch and for dinner I had tomatoe soup and water. I may have been too nervous to eat. I spoke with my angel via the telephone and I am looking very forward to meeting her. Other than a lot of prayer and talking with family and friends until the wee hours of the morning....there is nothing else to report. I want to take this time to say thank you to my sister Anita who is taking two weeks off of work to take care of me and give me moral support. I could not do this without you...you mean the world to me! I love you like l love my MAC make-up (brushes included) and you know how much I love my MAC "stuff!" I have to thank my "BESTEST" friend in the world Celeste (I love ya' like I love all of my lingere and you know how much I love my lingere) she is moving in to my house while I am away to take care of my 18 month old and my 16 year old and my husband. She rearranged her very busy schedule to drop both kids off at daycae and high school and pick them up. She is also going to feed them. Thank you gurlll!!! To my other best friend Desiree(AKA: Desilou) thankm you for the support and for taking the kids on the weekend. Thanks for driving fourty-five minutes, helping me pack, and seeing me off to the airport. I love you like I love my shoes and you know how much I love my shoes! My husband who is hard working and quietly supports my decision is still and enigma. Thank you for the plane reservations and the rental car money. Deric, eldest brother, thank you for the recliner chair from rent-a-center....it is perfect. Thank you guys for the cards (I found them in the back pack) of support and the stuffed animals (no wonder the bags were so heavy). I love and appreciate all of you. See you on the other side. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ December 10,2004 "THE DAY" Today I woke up, and took a very long shower, and scrubbed with the soapy stuff. My surgery is not untill 3pm so I am not in a rush, I need to be to the hospital by noon. My sis and I prayed and everyone called to with me luck. I am more nervous about them finding a vein for the IV than I am about the surgery. Anyway this is the last post until I reach the other side. May God lead all of the doctors and hospital staff. I will see you all on the other side good bye God bless. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ December 13, 2004 Well hello all. Obviously I made it to the other side. Thank you God! Now where do I begin. When I got there I changed into a gown and they started and IV (it took two attempts but they got it), after that I waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited. I waited myself right into a major headache! The surgeon came into the waiting area and explained to me that his first surgery took over four hours ( she was like 300+ lbs.). He gave me Dilatuid (the spelling may be off on that but it was good stuff). The pre op area closed at 6pm so they rolled me and my bed over to the recovery area where the nurses were very nice. My sister was there with me every minute and kept me entertained. I was finally called for at nine at night (the nurses stayed late finishing up on paper work so that I could stay with them. We all talked for hours. Anyway, I was given a shot of heperin, hugged my sister complete with prayers, snot, and tears and taken down to the O.R. area. I met with the anetheisiologist, who explained everthing, and then two of the nurses freaked about my skin and wanted to know what I used before he put me to sleep. So, I told them (they wrote it down and I laughed thinking this was going to be quite the story to tell) and then I do not remember anything. I do not remember being rolled into the oppperating room itself or anything. I woke up and said,"thank you God" and then because I was not in any pain asked if they did the sugery. The nurse laughed called me a blessing and said yes. I asked for my sister and they told me they were taking me to her now, I was rolled to my room. "The Other Side" My sister and I hugged and I said ,"thank you Jesus" and went to sleep for awhile. I was waken up and given a heperin shot in the belly (they do not hurt) and I walked the hallway twice. After that I could not go to sleep so I just walked the hallway half of the night with my sister. In the morning I was given ice chips, V-8, Jello brand sugar free jello, and chincken broth in these teeny- tiny cups. I did not have much of an appetite so I sipped some broth and some water and I was done. I went walking again. I sponged off (I am a clean freak when it comes to my body, got to know my drainage tube well,) and changed moisturized, and changed my gown ( I wanted a shower). My sense of smell changed completely (I am a damn where wolf!) My soap was strong, my lotion was strong, and I wanted the foood removed as soon as I was finished drinking. Oh! and the jello was soooo sweet I thought they dumped a ton of sugar in my container. My body is different and this is scary. I really was not in any type of real pain so I told them to take the pump (I did not use it) I was more uncomfortable than anything and that was do to the drainage tube. Later in the day I met my doctors and they were amazed at how fast I recovered. I discovered that my surgery took less than an hour and they were very greatful to me being that they had the day from hell. They said that since I was doing so well I could go home if I wanted (since I was staying locally) and I am never one to turn down a good thing so I got my discharge papers. An hour later after a shower (my shower was very nice) and changing into my own clothes, I met my angel Lynnda. Let me just say that she is preetier in person and that her picture does not do her justice. She got me the best care package complete with Chrytal light, sugar free puddings, gift cetificates to Old Navy and Starbucks, and protein bars. I got an early Christmas gift! The true gift was meeting her and seeing that the kindness she offers us on the Cali. board is geinuine. After Lynnda left, I got my dischage papers and left the hospital. We stopped by the mall ( I needed make-up brush cleaner), and three hours later we left. I got home took a couple sips of water, did my breathing treatment, and went to bed for the night. January 5, 2005 Well, where do I start. A couple of nights ago Nancy Nealon ( a local "gem" I met from the OH board) and I drove out to Corte Madera for a Nor Cal OH get together. There were alot of very nice people there but I was very ill ( throwing up foam). Nancy encouraged me strongly to go to the ER, which after speaking with my doctor from San Diego I went. I had a stricture and had to have the strangest physician dialate me. The hospital staff said that I was dehydrated and they gave me five to six bags of potassium filled IV fluid bags before they would perform the procedure. The hospital, a local haunt here in the South Bay was like something from Kingdom Hospital (the television series). I was kept there for 4 days (including New Years) and released. The good news is that I now weigh 211 pounds the bad news is that my throat hurts like hell. Anyway that is my report for the month of December to January. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ March 2005 Well, here we are in the month March. My weight is steady at 184 pounds and I am happy about that. Alot of people see the weight loss but I do not. February was interesting because we moved from an apartment to a house. I feel very blessed to have had the surgery and to be in a home. I have not been active on the message boards because DSL is not available in our area and so we have been using dial up (which I hate). I am finding that this journey can be very lonely at times. I am trying to figure this out in counseling. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ April 2005 April has come and I am very happy. My weight is 170 lbs and I am now working with a trainer at the gym twice a month. I go to the gym four days a week (four of cardio and two of weights and cardio). I love my trainer (shot out to Maya)from ClubOne @ Santana Row. I told her that I want to have a beautiful back, a flat tummy, and healty looking arms and legs. I don't want much do I? I am currently wearing a size 14 regular's and 42DD bra's. I have not taken any measurements but I can kind of see the changes in my body. I have kissed Lane Bryant good bye. I miss them because they were always good to me, but I can still do their bra's. Emotional wise I have not taken much time to figure things out, I am just kind of enjoying the ride. High for the month: buying size 14 American Eagle Jeans ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May 2005 Well, it is rainy around the south bay. I currently weigh 155 and I still feel fat. I am wearing 12's and 10's. I love shopping from the Gap, Express, Macy's, and Nordstom. I am waiting until my weight hits 125lbs. to purchase a pair of Seven Jeans. Right now my favorite jeans are Long and Leans by the Gap because they make my legs LOOK small. I love buying my bra's from Fredericks of Hollywood because they are cut smaller around the waist and shorter for the straps which make the "girls" look great! Emotionally, I am dealing with alot of anger issues to be continued.......... High for the month: buying a 38 DD from Fredericks of Hollywood ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ June, 2005 Hello all, I am in weight loss limbo. I weigh 147 lbs. and I am in a size 8 in skirts and 10 in pants. I have noticed that my body redistributes weight differently from month to month. I have also noticed that numerical weight has very little to do with actual inhes lost. I am still working out four days a week (two with trainer) and I can see the progress. I have had two sets of lab work and my results are great!! Okay now here is the truth.......I eat one to two times a day because I have no appetite. I am surviving off of cherry tomatoes, water, fit and fiber yogurt, a bite of cheese stick (here and there), and other odds and ends. I do not think that I dump but I have not tested the theory much because I have not been tempted. That being said I have had a bite of cheese cake, a french fry, a bite of hamburger, or whatever without any problems. I HATE all protein shakes so I do not drink them ( I am working on that). I get a lot of attention from men and women alike and I am not sure how I feel about that. I feel both flattered and angry. One side of me says why am I acceptable now? Then there is another side of me that loves the attention but does not want to expain that I used to be much heavier. My mind is in limbo with my body.... I am trying to get to know the "new" me. High for this month: buying a size eight skirt from the Gap ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ July, 2005 Greetings for the month of July. My weight as of the end of July is 138 lbs. and I am getting happy. I am wearing a size 6 skirt and size 6 pants. Everyone is flipping over my new image and I believe that over the last couple of weeks my body has readjusted weirdly. I look in the mirror and I swear that there is a stranger staring back at me. My face looks foreign, my body looks and feels foreign. The good thing is that thanks to working out...my body is much stronger and I believe that it is reflecting in my attitude. I have been asked to be a hair and face model for an up comming episode of a popular black magazine. I have also been asked to be a face model for a friend who works for MAC (shots our to Jamie, Marc, and Linda @ Nordstrom MAC counter in Valley Fair mall) it's their Rock and Rebel campaign. I am also going to be in a calander ( Miss.January) I was asked to do that while dancing at a club with my friends. The best thing happened while my friends and I were out dancing on a Friday night at Club Max (in the Double Tree hotel), well there was a live band playing Super Freak, the leader of the band came and pulled my friend up on the stage for a dance and then he pulled me up on the stage to dance. Now, I love to dance ( but I am a black/hispanic, diva who has nooo... rhythm what-so-ever! I did this seductive little spin a couple of times and carefully swayed to the music. I could not believe that I was pulled up onto the stage and called HOT! and beautiful infront of a club full of people. Talk about a high....I was on cloud 9! Now, I have complete strangers who come up to me on the street and tell me that I am abosolutley gorgeous and that I should be a model. Guys are calling me a human Barbie doll and young girls call me a Bratz doll. I feel so beautiful because my inner beauty has caught up with my outter beauty. I believe people are seeing what I feel inside reflect in my outside behavoir. So, in short I would have to say that confidence has been my boost for the month. High for the month: Buying size 6 jeans from Express ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ August 7, 2005 Hello, this is an early update because so much has changed and happened eight days into August. First of all my weight is 133.5 (I have to add that "point five" right?) and I am wearing a size 2/4 skirts and a 4 in pants. I have noticed that the smaller you are the less weight you need to loose to reduce a clothing size. Well, I know that I am in these sizes because I had an aunt who died (I did not know her very well and she is on my father's side of the family) and I needed to go out and purchase a black dress (last minute). Well, I automatically grabbed size 8 dresses and size 6 skirts. I went into the fitting room and started trying thngs on, and they were WAAAAAYYY to BIG! So, I went out and the sales lady was shocked that I was grabbing these sizes for myself, she gave me an arm full of two's and four's (in skirts), and sixes (for dresses). Needless to say I tried the four's on first and at the urging of the sales lady I tried on the two's and guess what?? They fit!!!! Oh my GOD!!!!! I was crying and jumping up and down. I explained to the sales lady that I had lost 100 lbs. and I never imagined myself fitting into a size four or pray tell a size two. She (shot out to Sara at Ann Taylor; Valley Fair) kept hugging and congratulating me constantly. I walked away with not only a "little black dress" but also a blue/ green flowered dress, and a blue, white, and green pleated skirt. I then went on to Talbots and purchsed a size two grey and white pin stripped skirt, a white sweater in a small, and a black blazer in a size 4. Thank you God for blessing me to know my doctors (Dr. Owens and Khalil), my trainer (Maya), and my friends!!!! I even had to return a pair of jeans from Bebe because they are too big (they were 28's and I had to exchange them for 24's)what a natural high! Now for the bummer part of this whole thing. I have been blessed that I have not had a lot of loose skin issues but none the less I do HAVE loose skin. The skin on my tummy is gross and looks like a "butt" and my breasts droop like a pregnant Dotsun (dog) and resemble a cow with hanging udders. Fredericks of Hollywood has been a total blessing for me because their bra's camaflouge a lot of flaws (shot out to their X bra!). I have muscles in my arms and I am working like hell on my thighs and legs (I love my calves). I want to apply for Extreme Make-Over but everyone is saying that it is too soon for me to have cosmetic surgery because my body has to adjust. I do not want to get much smaller ( I will be happy at 120 lbs.). I am working on not obsessing over the excess skin and being grateful that my big ass is not where it was eight months ago. I have changed so much with this loss. I am not the same person because I feel that if I go after something, I can achieve my goal. I am a self admitted procrastonator and going after this surgery, jumping through Aetna's{my insurance companies} hoops and gathering my paper work was a lot of "work" for me. Thank God that He has given me the strength to see this ordeal through (sometimes it has not been a plesant experience). I had to learn to give things that I have not control over to my higher power (in my case it is the Lord) comitt to exercise (which I still hate), sleep, eating correctly, taking vitamins, thinking positive, and making smart choices. Yes! That is the combination to my success because essentially we must remember we had surgery on our stomachs but not on our heads. This surgery is not the "easy" way out.....it is still a lot of work and responsibility....but like anything else...well worth the work. I am not disiplined on eating "X" amount of protein grams...I just eat smart and live beyond food. I still struggle with feeling like the fat girl that everyone notices. I am dealing with trying to eat enough because I do not want to be the person that I was eight months ago. Counseling is helping somewhat but I know that I have to make the choice to help me. Anyway enough of my Doctor Phil moment. I am still a work in progress. I thnk that I have built up enough courage to post a pic. when I loose six to ten more pounds. I going to post a pictures of me at my heaviest (243 lbs.), my surgery weight (231 lbs.), and maybe me at 127 or 128 lbs. Unless something else comes up I will post again in August. Good luck to anyone going for this procedure. ~~Ela~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ September 28, 2005 Well, hello to everyone out there in gastric by-pass land. I did not update in August or September because I have been dealing with issues. I now weigh 120 lbs. and an wearing a 34-36 DD bra, small size 5 under wear, petite small tops, 0 or a 3 in jeans (depends on the brand), 24-26 (in Seven's or Blue Cult jeans) and a 0-2 in skirts. I still want to loose six to ten more pounds to be stable at my height. My family says that I am small enough but they did not run around being the "fat" chick for x amount of years. This part of the journey is scarey because I do wonder if I will ever stop seeing myself as the fat "girl" or the one who is just a little bit 'heavy." I am struggling everyday with eating.....I drink my water ...I just forget to eat. I do not have an appetite and I am terrified of putting anything that can add a pound to my body in my system. I still work out 4-5 days a week but that is a life style choice not a weight loss choice (for me). There is one side of me that is estatic and very grateful for my weight loss and then there is the other side that wonders just how small I can get. I know that I have to put the brakes on but, I do not want to and that secretly scares me. I see the changes not only in my body but in my thinking as well. I am not as rigid with myself in terms of having to be the perfect person but I still feel alone. It is strange really but I think that it is part of my journey. Some days I feel beautiful and thin and as if I can conquer the world and other days I feel ugly and fat and as if my life is a total failure. Like I say I have my good days and my bad days. I just hate the emotional pendylum my mind can take me on some days. The bad days make it hard for me to eat or sleep and those are the days where I have to talk to God, reach deep inside my soul and say to myself that everything is going to be okay let's just get through this "moment." Yes, sometimes bad days last day to day and sometimes bad patches last with us dealing with them moment to moment. The last month and a half has proven to be a deal with your emotional "crap" time in my journey. I HAVE to deal with it because I am no longer using food to camaflouge situations that I would like to avoid. I have found that I struggle with a lot of anger which is an eye opener because I thought that I had dealt with that and I am other wise a happy person. Nope, I fooled myself again and I have to deal with it again. Anyway, because that is where I am at this moment in my journey that is all that I can honestly post right now. I am struggling with my emotions and my ability to eat and ....control. I still do not for one minute doubt or regret my choice to have this surgery. Good luck to anyone out there going for surgery. ~Ela High for this month: Buying size 1 jeans from the juniors dept. and XS skirts and S pants from Forever 21 (even I admitt that was a moment)! Purchasing a size "S" motorcycle jacket from Wilsons in the mall ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ January 23, 2006 Hello All, I know that it has been a while since my last update but I have been very busy. I honestly did update my profile in December but something happened and my “long “ update did not post…I was so upset I logged off and said “to hell with it.” So, here I am again attempting to update my profile for three months. Here goes nothing In October I was an angel for Halloween and I purchased my costume from Fredericks of Hollywood…imagine my “happy/horror” when I discovered that I could fit a small. It is the little surprises that count. I attended two parties and had a total blast. I was still holding steady in the weight dept. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In November a lot of change occurred. I got down to 114 lbs. and my size ones are getting too small. I think it is the stress from my personal life. My husband does not like me at my current weight and has asked me to GAIN! Weight. Can you believe this B.S.???? After all of the hard work that I put into improving my physical and mental body…this is what I hear. I did not do this surgery for him…I did it for me and I feel angry having to justify why I like being the size that I am. Everything else in my life is great! My friends are a blast. I took my best friend to The Melting Pot (it is a trendy fondue restaurant here in San Jose) for our seven-year anniversary. We do something every year to celebrate the treasure of our friend ship. We got free drinks (Apple Martinis..yummy) because the bar tender was flirting his ass off. That was fun…eating fondue is so sexy. I will be sure to put this to good use, with the right guy, in the future. My other best friend took me out dancing for a girl’s night. We got hit on all night and did not have to pay for a drink. There were guys there drooling all over themselves. I gave myself permission to be a shameless flirt for one night. Needless to say that was a highlight. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In December things were a whirl wind for me and I was sick for most of the month. I decided that my marriage was over and started scouting for attorneys to file for a divorce. It is a sobering experience to think that I am at the finish line of my marriage but I am still supposed to trust my “good” judgement. My eating “problem” is back with a vengeance….. I am down to 108 lbs. I am not “tiny” or “malnourished” looking but my “issues” are beginning to reflect in my blood work. My PCP gave a solid lecture and my family had an “intervention.” My PCP wants me to attend “anorexia” meetings but I cannot consider sitting a room full of “skinny” women saying that I have a problem. I do not look like an “anorexic” and I am not worried about eating. After all eating got me into this mess and now I am supposed to obsess about it again. I do not think so. I think that it is the pressure of the pending divorce and my unknown future nagging at my appetite. In time everything will work out and I will be fine. I know that even though I am about to become a statistic…this is for the best because I deserve to be happy. Now for the positive news. My friends took me out for my one-year WLS anniversary and we went to my favorite restaurant Crustaceans in San Francisco. I got so sick I was barfing everywhere, my brother had to pull over twice for me to puke on the side of the freeway. Well, it turns out that I had a virus and my sister, my son, and my best friend all fell ill with the same thing the next day. Well, they say that every dark cloud has a silver lining….. I did loose two additional pounds! By Tuesday we were all recovered and able to resume Christmas shopping. Christmas was a blast!!!!! My brother got me a 27-inch HDTV, my sister got the matching DVD/VCR HDTV (read/write or something like that) combination, and my best friend got me a Nikon digital camera. My other best friend got me a trendy big gold/bronze belt, matching purse, brown palazzo pants (from the girls dept.) and a matching top. I got a lot of gifts but those were the highlights…. I was so shocked! Needless to say Santa was good to me! I went down to San Diego for my one-year anniversary and my WLS doctor was very impressed to say the least. (That is all that I am going to post about that). He wants to do a before and after pic for his website. Let’s just say that it was a very positive experience. I took great pics. And I am soooo…. In LOVE with San Diego! Who knows maybe I will end up down there for good some day. My sister and I went to the mall and there were all of these guys gawking at us the entire time. This one very HOTT! Guy paid let me cut in line at the Nordstrom Café (because I was outside freezing my ass off) and paid for our drinks. He walked around the mall with us and it was kind of awkward when we got to Victoria Secret and I wanted to go inside. I told him that while I found him very attractive, I was not into long distance relationships (he was) and needed to go into the store. I am currently weigh 106 lbs. and am in a size 0 across the board. The only thing that I do not like are my girls….I miss them so much. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ January thus far has been a good month. Well, allow me to rewind a bit. My sister and I went out for New Years and we had a blast. I wore this mouth-watering floor length fuchsia gown with silver Steve Madden (python print) shoes and a silver bag. I had this big hair, outrageous make-up (classy/slut make up) and new confidence that radiated throughout my skin (which was glowing). We danced and partied the New Year in and when the balloon drop came I hugged my sister and was truly grateful for my new body, attitude, and freedom. We went up to the room (hi Nancy!), had a bottle of champagne, and fell asleep drunk as all else in our hotel room. It was one of my most memorable New Years Eve holidays ever. Thank you Nene (I love you big sis’….you are my best friend). I found my attorney (yeah for me!) and I feel as if my life is moving forward. I go between 106 & 108lbs…..my 0’s are getting too big and finding jeans “good jeans” can be a real “bitch.” So far I like ‘Rock & Republic’, ‘Blue Cult’, and Baby Phat jeans (they fit my ass well). As for my body I did inventory and I decided that I am in need of new boobs, a stomach, thigh lipo., arm lipo., and butt implants. I do not want to imagine how much all of this is going to cost. I met this guy, who is so Hot!! He is a neuro-surgeon at a major hospital, 6’3” tall and he weighs 230lbs. and let me tell you it is all solid muscle. I like him…. but I told him about the disillusion of my marriage and how I do not want to be involved in a rebound relationship and he said we can take things slow. I want to enjoy being single for a while before I get into another relationship. Well, the truth is that I would like to be legally single before I embark on another relationship with anyone. I have no plans to become a “ho” but I do plan to party my “ass off.” This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending a pleasure party over in Visalia and I got the chance to meet a lot of the ladies on the Cali. Board. Even though I lurk a lot it was nice meeting others whose posts that I read and placing names and personalities together. We had a blast! I was on very good behavior. I really thought that we were going to dance, drink, and be wild! Some of that went on (to a point) and there most assuredly is wild potential amongst some in the group. It was like a censored Girls Gone Wild weekend….which was fun. Oh! And I purchased two great pieces of lingerie for my post plastic surgery body and got to bond with some great ladies. I saw some awesome “boob” and “tummy” jobs and met some of the nicest people ever. I hope that we do it al again some time soon. Thanks to Nancy for placing the bug in my ear to go and to Heidi for the limo service. An extra shout out to them for putting up with my make up rituals and other girly time consuming activities. Renee is awesomely cool and crazy and beautiful! Ronda is cute as a button (I told her that) and truly a sweet person. Robyn, is sweet and encouraging…thank you for the great pics. And praise. You are truly beautiful. Faith is a sweety pie...I promise to post at least once a week. Beth is mischievously wild and beautiful!! Staci is a doll and I may not remember others but I hope that we all get to party again soon. I needed the weekend away to get a break from all of my home “drama.” Next week is my birthday and I am looking forward to my first “skinny” birthday…I cannot believe that I am going to be 32 years old. I go for my first modeling shoot this week and I am so nervous…. I hope that everything turns out well. My friends and I are going out to “celebrate” afterwards and maybe we will find some trouble to get into. Anyway, those are the highlights for now…. I have to go. to all of you out there considering this surgery please go for it! It is so worth the wild ride! Good luck and God Bless! Highlight: New Years Eve and Day! Wearing a size 2 gown that had to be altered because it was too big in the hip and thigh area. I felt like a princess. ~Ela ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ February 2006 Well hello out there to all in WLS Land. I hope that this update finds everyone doing well. Thus far February has been an event filled month. My weight is holding steady at 108 lbs. and I am wearing small shirts, extra small pants, size 25 European pants, size 0 dress (stretchy), size 2 (if the dress has a zipper), and small and extra small jackets. My first “skinny” birthday was a “Jerry Springer” mess complete with verbal insults, tears, and heated debates via telephone. The funny thing is that I was not involved in any of the mayhem….and that is all I am willing to say about that. I did feel very cherished, loved, and valued….I have the best friends in the world. My weekend started with one of my ‘bestest’ friends taking me out for a full body massage, dinner at a swanky restaurant, and a night of dancing. She went with me to my photo shoot the next day (which was a disorganized nightmare!) What a day! She even treated me to breakfast the next morning (thank you Desilou). But the shots came out beautiful (from the proofs) and I am looking forward to doing more work. That night we went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, and then I drove home 30 miles tired and exhausted. On Sunday, we woke up and my family attempted to prepare my favorite meal (that is when the s*** hit the fan) and a bite or two of dinner was all it took to make me ill. The gifts were great. I received; a Coach bag and a trip to Las Vegas (from my S2B-EX), a shopping spree (from my brother), $100.00 and gambling coins (from Celeste), a complete outfit and underwear (from the kiddy dept. from Devon & Antonio “the best nephews a girl can ask for”…thanks Desi-lou), a complete outfit (from my daughter), and a shopping spree, a Skagen watch (the one I have had my eyes on for awhile)….from my Nene (you are the best sis in the world…thank you for truly loving me and running behind me and my madness. The next day I fell very ill….put gently….I was sick as a dog!!! I was coughing, sneezing, and gagging uncontrollably. I had an awful sore throat and a horrid pain in my ears. I had one day to prepare for dinner and four days to prepare for Las Vegas. I barely managed dinner at The Melting Pot (OH shout out to Nancy…thanks for coming and thanks for the Bebe halter top). I had the pleasure of having dinner with my nearest and dearest (Anita, Celeste, Dora, and Nancy) you guys are the best. Thanks for all of the hard work. I made it to Vegas without incident and let’s just say “’what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.’” It was an experience to be in one of the skin capitols of the world and look “hot!” The attention was daunting and I felt the little tingles on the back of my neck every time there was a cat call or a whistle thrown my way. I was flattered/harassed the entire time we were there and I am not complaining (I mean there are worse things to toil with right?). It just brought to the front of my min