shrinking_sarah

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Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs) (No picture, sorry!)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Month 4: 191.2 (-13.4)

Month 5: 178.2 (-13)

Month 6: 168.4 (9.8)

Month 7:  157 (11.4)

Month 8:  146.4 (10.6)

Month 9:  140.2 (6.2)

Month 10:  135 (5.2)

Month 11:  130.8 (4.2)--although only for about a second

Total Loss: 134.2 total, 122.2 since VSG

Not a ton of reflections.  I'm having a hard time getting to 130.  130.8 is the closest I've come, and then I bounce up to the 133 range.  My body really seems to like 133-135.  I'm happy there, but I was hoping to walk in to Dr C's office and be able to say I hit the goal he set.  Which is kind of weird, because I can tell you I'd probably immediately gain back up to 135 anyhow.

My appt. is tomorrow.  Looking forward to his interpretation of my 1 year labs.  Hopefully nothing too troubling.

Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs) (No picture, sorry!)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Month 4: 191.2 (-13.4)

Month 5: 178.2 (-13)

Month 6: 168.4 (9.8)

Month 7:  157 (11.4)

Month 8:  146.4 (10.6)

Month 9:  140.2 (6.2)

Month 10:  135 (5.2)

Total Loss: 130 total, 118 since VSG

My dr. would like me to get down to 130 just to help with regain/maintenance.  I'm listening to him because he seems to know what he's doing, although I have no idea where the weight will come from (if not skin) at this point.

I did another body comp last night and am down to 20.9% body fat.

I can NOT believe this is me.  I have size 4 pants in my closet.  I own boots.  I go to exercise classes and kick booty.  My arms are amazing (other than the batwings).

If you are thinking about having WLS, I really encourage you to do it.  This has been a really powerful and empowering experience.  I'm a bit intimidated at the idea of venturing into maintenance because I feel like I know how to eat for weight loss (even though I've been hanging out around 135 for a while now--lowest was 133.8, but I think I was dehydrated).  But maintenance is kind of scary. 

Fortunately, I have a great support group and plenty of vets to help me, plus a kick-ass RD. :)

Also, in my pics there's a collage of all 10 months of progress. :)

Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Month 4: 191.2 (-13.4)

Month 5: 178.2 (-13)

Month 6: 168.4 (9.8)

Month 7:  157 (11.4)

Month 8:  146.4 (10.6)

Month 9:  140.2 (6.2)

Today:  138.6

Total Loss:  124.8 total (on Sept. 28), 112.8 since VSG

So, things are slowing down, but I'm ok with that, really.  I went back to work.  I am still struggling to balance work, family, and gym time.  I enjoy being back at work, though, and I'll figure it out eventually.  For now, I exercise when I'm able to, but I recognize that sometimes, I have 2 PTA meetings and back-to-school night, and it just doesn't happen.  This is real life.  I get up at 5:15 a.m.  It is not reasonable for me to get up any earlier and exercise in the morning.  I'm now coaching my daughter's soccer team despite my complete lack of soccer skill, so at least I'm running around with her for an hour every Tuesday.

I know my dr. would prefer to see me closer to 130.  If I get there, great.  If not, I am at a healthy bmi and am happy with how I look. 

I have A LOT of excess skin.  I am dreaming of skin removal--thights, tummy, arms, and a boob lift/augmentation.  I'd also like it to be free, instantaneous, and pain-free.  So, yeah.  We'll see.  I have a very short window where I could do it in June, but we have a big vacation to Hawaii planned at the end of July, and it is more important to me that I enjoy that time than that I have skin removed, so if I can't get a pretty strong guarantee that I'd be fully recovered by then (right around 6 weeks), it will have to wait until June 2015.  And I'm thinking that is what will happen.  Damn.  But I'll still do some consults in January, just in case.

My inner thighs bother me the most, mainly because they hang out when I wear shorts.  The rest is covered by clothing and doesn't impact what I "can" wear.  The arms, well, lots of women my age have batwings.  But the legs bug me.  My shorts have to go to my knees, which is kind of hard to find these days.

And now--my biggest NSV from this process: 

Are you ready?

I can really only worry about making myself happy.

I think many overweight people are people-pleasers.  I have been one my whole life, even when I wasn't overweight.  I always wanted to make others happy, or get their approval.  Not just in a superficial way.  As a child, it would wound me if I thought another person was disappointed in me.  I always tried to get good grades, both because I have high standards for myself and also because I seek external validation.

Well, WLS has helped me significantly with that.  I struggled to meet the goals my surgeon set.  Even though, really, my loss has been pretty consistent, every time I've gone in I have been told I was losing slower than I should have been.

This was a big struggle for me for a long time.  I wanted that external validation.

Finally, I just let it go. 

This is MY process.  I did this for me and my health.  If others want to validate what I'm doing, well, yay for them.  But really, what matters is what I think.

I think I look good.

I think I am amazed my body fat is so low (24% on Sept. 24). 

I think I feel better than I have in a very long time.  I am in better physical shape than I was even in high school, when I danced pretty much every day.

If I spend my whole life waiting for someone else to tell me I'm doing a good job, then I'll be spending my life waiting.  I need to recognize my own failures and triumphs and give myself kudos or a stern talking to when they are justified.  I can't be worried about other people--I just no longer have time.

And that, I think, is my biggest NSV from this whole process.

Lean Body Mass:  111.2 (water 81.9 plus dry lean mass 29.3) in January, 114.4 June, 112.5 (water 82.6 plus dry lean mass 29.9) now.

Body Fat Mass:  122.3 in January, 56.7 June, 35.4 now.

Skeletal Muscle Mass:  61.5 in January, 62.8 in June, 61.3 now.

Percentage Body Fat: 52.4 in January, 33.1 in June, 24.0 now.

Body Fat:  89.1 (suggested loss) in January, 22.5 (suggested loss) in June, 1.8 (suggested loss) now.

BMR:  1459 kcal in January, 1491 kcal in June, 1472 kcal now.

I'm pretty thrilled with these results.  My "goal" was 25% body fat, and I passed it without even knowing.  I was not expecting that (apparently my bathroom scale is NOT accurate in bfp). 

My BMI is still "overweight."

I'm not sure what any of this means in terms of weight loss/maintenance, but I guess I'll try to lose that extra 1.8 lbs of fat and see how it goes.  Even then, though, I would be "overweight."

Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Month 4: 191.2 (-13.4)

Month 5: 178.2 (-13)

Month 6: 168.4 (9.8)

Month 7:  157 (11.4)

Month 8:  146.4 (10.6)

Total Loss:  118.6  total, 106.6 since VSG

Honestly, I feel done right now.  I feel good, I look good (other than the saggy skin), and I am bored of eating 600 calories a day.  BUT I'm still not quite to a healthy BMI and even though I am not sure I can do it, I'm going to keep trying.  Can't hurt to try, and it's only another 6.5 lbs until I get there.  I'm at 25.9 right now.

I'm not sure when I'll do another body comp scan.  Either when the Y offers them or when I have time to get a real "dunk" test (though I'd like to do those close together to compare). 

Being back at work is a HUGE challenge in terms of exercise.  For food, it makes things pretty easy.  I have a shake for breakfast, pack my lunch, and then have dinner at home.  Getting in fluids could be a challenge depending on how busy I am during the day.  I don't like to carry drinks around the library since students can't have food/drinks there.  I drink in my office, and on my commute.

5K in a few weeks!  Hope I am ready.  I need to run tonight.  Again, missing the gym.  Hope I can get into a good routine soon, but so far I just haven't done it. 

My body media fit broke, so I'm having a new one shipped (hooray warranty).  Should be here soon.

I'm wearing a size 8 pants and a M top these days.  Size 10 is too big in the waist.

Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Month 4: 191.2 (-13.4)

Month 5: 178.2 (-13)

Month 6: 168.4 (9.8)

Month 7:  157 (11.4)

Total Loss:  107.8  total, 95.8 since VSG

I feel good.  Life is getting harder since I'm gearing up to go back to work.  I hope that once the school year starts and I have a routine I can regularly incorporate a lot of exercise.

Feeling tired--not a lot to add this month.  I do what I do.  The scale does what it does.

Met with Dr. C yesterday.  I was really close to the goal he set for me in May.  Not quite there by my count, but close, and I don't think I could have done more, really, so I'm happy.

He thinks I'll lose another 20 lbs, but I'll have to fight for it, of course.  That's about 5 lbs more than I thought I could lose, but I trust him, so I'm going to try.  I still do not have a firm grasp of the whole body fat percentage/lean body mass thing, but he really feels that my lean body mass will adjust so that I can get to 139 and have a healthy body fat percentage, so I'm going to listen to the man who went to medical school. :)

He wants me to do more strength training, which I will make my focus on non-running days.  Of course he wants me to keep staying on-plan with eating.  Originally, I thought I'd do a body scan around 150, but he said I should do a dunk test instead (done--it's closer) and wait until I get to 139.

I think what I'll really do is plan to do it at 139, but if I get to a point where I hit a wall and the scale just is not moving for multiple weeks (it's pretty common for me to have a great week followed by a week of nothing), maybe I'll go ahead and do it just to cheer myself up, lol.  And of course I'll do the cheaper test whenever the Y offers it no matter what the scale says because it's $10 and what the hell.

So.  I left feeling pretty ok.  Part of me wonders if he was trying to be nice because Gabriella told him to be nice, but honestly, I'd reached a point that no matter how this visit went, I knew how hard I'd been working, so his validation was superfluous. 

He also suggested a supplement for me to take for a couple months that might help prevent additional passing out episodes.  L-Carnatine or something like that?  I'm headed to GNC to find it.  And while I'm at the mall, I may peruse Ann Taylor.  I hear there is a sale. . .

For posterity--a post about my thoughts on exercise and what I'm teaching my kids.

My husband is in Toronto this week for work.  I spent the weekend at a professional conference while my husband took the kids camping with a girl scout troop (yes, I know, we are lucky to have him).  Sunday, I came home from my conference and saw him for literally one minute before he had to leave for the airport.

This week my mom friends and I put on a camp for our kids, and today was my day to lead camp (mental note: do not lead camp on Monday if you are working all weekend).  I was up late last night getting things ready, and up early this morning to get set up and ready before the campers arrived.  The day was a whirlwind of activity, and my house is a wreck.  I am exhausted, but I signed up for a 5K in Sept. and Monday is a running day so I *have* to do it.  I didn't feel like going to the Y (where I have child care), so I put my kids on their bikes and let them ride around the blacktop of our neighborhood elementary school while I ran on their dirt track.  Both kids joined me on my laps for a while, and then they alternated between playing on the playground and riding bikes while I ran.

I still do not love running.  I REALLY do not love running when I'm distracted, trying to supervise my children while convincing my body to just keep going.  But today, I had a real appreciation for the fact that I COULD do it, and even though I'd rather do it alone, I'm glad my kids got to see me do it.  This would not have been possible 6 months ago, or even 6 weeks ago.  I ran for 20 minutes without stopping (and 3 other 5 minute stretches) as part of this week's program.  They saw me do it all.  They know I didn't give up. 

This whole experience, frustrating though it may be at times, is so worth it.  I am teaching my children, especially my daughter, that hard things are worth doing, and that I am worth the effort.

Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Month 4: 191.2 (-13.4)

Month 5: 178.2 (-13)

Month 6: 168.4 (9.8)

Total Loss:  96.4 total, 84.4 since VSG

I need to lose 11.4 lbs by July 24 to meet the last goal my surgeon set for me.  It is possibly do-able, but it will be VERY difficult.

Also:  I forgot to weigh myself when I first got up this morning (!!!), so this weight is after I drank half a protein drink, went for a run, and drank 20 oz of water.  I'll weigh again tomorrow and see where we are then.

I'll post pictures later today.  And, for my reflection, I'd like to post a response I wrote to kairk which I think sums up my mental state right now: 

From the printout that came with my body composition analysis:  "BMI isn't a measurement but a calculation based on your height and weight.  A BMI over the normal range can indicate a weight problem, or a degree of obesity.  Individuals with a large amounts of muscle mass for their height may also have a BMI over the normal range; this is not indicative of obesity or a health risk.  Percentage of Body Fat is a measured component of your actual body composition; PBF is the percentage of your total weight that isn't muscle, bone, or excess fluid.  PBF is a more accurate means of assessing degrees of obesity or degrees of fitness." (emphasis mine.)

I identify with so much of what you posted--wanting to be "normal," knowing you won't ever be, finding our peace, etc.  But I know that "measurement" is always going to matter to me, and probably to you.  I think my path is going to be to focus on PBF, not BMI, as a measure of my fitness.  I talked to a personal trainer/athletic director friend of mine last night and asked him, in a neutral way, his opinion of BMI.  With no prompting from me at all, he went on a 15 minute rant calling it "total crap" and discussing the athletic people he works with who have sometimes as little as 10% body fat (men, not women) who are, according to BMI, obese. Now, I'm not tossing BMI out altogether.  I think it is a good starting point for most people who may not have access to fancy PBF testing devices.  But it's not the BEST measure of fitness, and I'm in this to be fit, not light (although I obviously want to be lightER).

Now, if you're just ASSUMING you have high muscle mass and are using that as an excuse, maybe throwing out the BMI chart is a bad idea.  But that is NOT you, and it is not me.  As long as we are honest with ourselves and have these scans done on a regular basis (I'm thinking I'll stick with the 3 times a year the Y does them for $10, and spring for the fancy expensive kind when I'm around 150 just to see where I "really" am at that point), then really, I think PBF is a way to allow us to stay fit and healthy and still have some validation from a more accurate measurement.  As I get older, my muscle mass may decrease and then I will have to re-evaluate my goals.  I refuse to allow myself to use the fact that I may never be a "normal" BMI to view myself as a failure.  I have lost almost 100 lbs and managed to build muscle in the process.  I deserve a freaking parade, and so do you! 

What I am slowly coming to realize is that as long as I'm expecting some sort of "prize" from someone else (my surgeon, my family, whoever) at the "end" of this journey, I'll never be happy.  I have to decide, from a position of information, where I'm headed and where I want to stay.  If others want to applaud me, great.  If they don't, so be it.  This is MY journey that I started for ME and to be healthy for my children.  It will never be over, and I am in charge of defining my success.

Easy to type, not so easy to live. :)

Lean Body Mass:  111.2 (water 81.9 plus dry lean mass 29.3) in January, 114.4 now.

Body Fat Mass:  122.3 in January, 56.7 now.

Skeletal Muscle Mass:  61.5 in January, 62.8 now.

Percentage Body Fat: 52.4 in January, 33.1 now.

Body Fat:  89.1 (suggested loss) in January, 22.5 (suggested loss) now.

BMR:  1459 kcal in January, 1491 kcal now.

So, if I maintain this muscle (which I should, since I'm going to continue exercising), maybe that means my "goal" weight is 148.6?  That seems high for my 5'3" self, but it's interesting.  Does anyone know how much fat I "need" to have?  Like what percentage?

I knew I'd have good fat loss, but I'm most excited about the fact that not only did I maintain my muscle mass, I actually increased it by 1.3 lbs!!!  The person who did the analysis was blown away, lol.