Simply_Me

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Ive been overweight basically all my life. I was told the only time I wasnt was when I was a toddler. But I can remeber seeing pictures of me around kindergarden and I was a bit heavier than the normal kid at my class maybe 5-10lbs over.  I can remember always being on some kind of fad diet. In school I was mad fun of, called all sorts of names from ugly to fat to blob etc..and when I look back at those pics I realized I was about 10-15 pounds overweight. I remember in high school going to John Casablanca's modeling studio and was told I needed to lose 15 lbs. I said no problem...but never did I go back. 

So I wasnt overly overweight but everyone made me feel like I was morbidly obese. After growing up just out of high school I remember going on a diet only eating 3 minimal meals went from a size 15/16 pants to 11/12. I felt great and got a lot of attention from the guys lol. Then got into a relationship and gained it all back and then some.

In my later 20s I was a size 15 and felt so fat. I look at pic and again I wasnt so bad could of lost 20 lbs maybe and been ok. In my middle to late 30s I went up as high as 288 lbs wearing a size 22/24 thats when I decided to get bypass surgery in 10/15/2007 (besides everyone was doing it) and it was a success. By the end of 2008 I had lost over 141 lbs. I had gone down to 147 lbs. I looked great and felt even better. In Jan 2009 I became pregnant, this was going to be my first child, I was estatic. I ate for 2 no 3. I lost the baby at 20 weeks while on vacation in Cancun. I wieghed 185 by that time. Decided to let my body heal but didnt make any effort to lose the weight gained. In Jan 2010 I became preganat again with my rainbow baby, I was happy but very afraid of also losing this preganacy. I ate and ate by the time I gave birth(1 month before she was suppose to come) my blood pressure had sky rocketed to the 200s, and fear of having preeclampsia, I was induced and had my baby in Oct 2010 I was 224lbs and had to be put on HBP medication.

I didnt even bother to try and lose all the weight I had gained I was too preoccupied with my new baby, then going back to work, then a vilotile relationship with her father that led to our break up and then the adoption process of my nephew(bro son). I was now single mom of 2 preschoolers, working full time and also a caretaker of my ailing grandad who had Alzheimers who lived with me and a dog and a cat. I was taking care of everyone except me. I just forgot everything I have learnt from my weightloss manual, I found a way to cheat with this tool I couldnt east a whole meal in one sitting but I could eat many many little ones after about every 1/2 hr. I ate carbs like they were going out of business. I ate anything and everything I wanted. Some how I lost 9lbs but then gained 23lbs after that. Along the way I did a couple fad diets for a week or so then gave up when I didnt see fast results. In 2014 I lost my 14 yr old cat, my 13 yr old dog and my 90 yr old grandfather, one right after the other and Jan1st another breakup after dating for 2yrs.  But It wasnt until Jan 2, 2015 that I went into my docotrs office and with clothes the scale read 242.8lbs. OMG! I am slowing returning to my max weight of 288 this cannot be, when and how did this happen. It was at that moment that I said Jan 5th I will start my diet. But it was my rebirth! On that day I mentally and whole heartedly decided no more being the fat girl with the great smile. I was skinny(IMO) a couple years ago how did I let myself get like this again, how??

Since Jan 5th, 2015 I havent looked back. I have days, especially weekends, that I feel sad, alone and depressed and I sleep more, moep around the house , I try and distract myself with the kids. But I struggle with my head hunger but as of today I have not cheated on this journey not once. Even on days that the scale is making fun of me, mocking me, insulting me with its addition instead of subtracting(even though I weigh and log everything I eat), I do not let any of that distract or deter my goal. I lost my focus for a little bit in the past years but I have regained it. I see the path I'm suppose to follow. I see the pot of gold under the rainbow of this stormy road, I see it, I see it! This time around I will not give up after trying a few weeks. I will no longer be that person who needs and relys on instant gradification to keep going. This time its not a race, but a journey. I will enjoy the scenery, smell the flowers, admire the view. This time I will not let my emotions control my actions. This time is diffirent, I can see it, I can feel it. This time I AM different!

My today looks much brighter than my yesterday. I am 1 day closer to achieving my goals on this journey. Nothing and no one will deter my focus. I am looking straight ahead with blinders on (like a horse) to prevent me from looking to my left or right.  

I am more determined today than I was yesterday. One step closer to who I aspire to be. Depression tried to sneak its ugly head in yesterday but today I chose to not to let it control me. I am in charge of my emotions, I am in control of my destiny and my body and only I can make this change. 

Yesterday my head was playing tricks on me, telling me I can not do it. My goal isnt acheivable. But today I tell my mind I am in contro,l you will not speak negativity unto my spirit. I am a winner, I will win the battle of the bulge, I will be the person I feel I am in the inside, today I will succeed, today I will concur today.  

I hate the fact that my attitude and mood towards this new healthy lifestyle is determined by the numbers I see on the scale in the mornings. Why do I need that instant gradification?

I wake up happy thinking I have lost and then get on and get the realization that either I didnt lose nothing or some how gained!! I wish I wasnt such a slave to the scale. It depresses me so much knowing I have been eating less and working out more but the numbers dont reflect it. This is why I have failed so many other times because I get discouraged and give up. 

Should I just get rid of the scale and bring it out once a month? Why am I desperately relying on those numbers to motivate or let it deter me from something that I shouldnt even considered a DIET but instead a LIFESTYLE??

 

For a while I lost focus and was deviated from my purpose in living healthy. I got into a relationship, had babies, broke up, started drinking alchohol to compensate my food addiction, then got into another relationship who catered to my addiction and my distraction, and then another break up.  After that break up I was determined to go back to taking care of me, to get back on my journey and get focused. To live healthy, to love myself enough to take a good look at where I am and where I want to be. My kids deserve it, I deserve it. 

I made a commintment to myself  that 2015 was going to be my year, my rebirth, I was going to look after myself. No more hiding from mirrors, talking down to myself, settling for whatever because I'm desperate to be accepted. No, not any more. My rebirth didnt go into effect until Jan 5th, and though it's only been 4 days, my mood, my body, my whole being hasnt felt this good in many, many, many years. I have a clear mind, my body aches but its due to excerising, not hang overs, I dont feel sluggish or tired. I am thankful for another day because its another oppurtunity to start over. Each day is a new day. My kids love to join me in my home workouts and they are liking eating more veggies.

Each day I wake up with a positive outlook, I can do this, I WILL do this.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I owe it to myself and my kids. Let the awesomeness begin!!!

Contrary to what many believe I am not oblivious to weight loss surgery. I have known for a couple years now. When I first heard about it I didn't feel that was something I needed. The thought didn't even cross my mind. I had a friend who wanted to go for it. She attended the seminars, doctors appointments, and went thru all the pre-op tests she had do. Unfortunately, she had had a previous abdominal surgery that prevented her from qualifying for the surgery. At that time they didn't preform the laparoscopic incisions, they slit open the whole stomach. She was devastated, she had lost her chance to be healthy, thin and normal. She was summoned to continue being obese. Struggling daily with her weight, taking her insilin shots, trying diets that just don't work, wasting money on exercise equipment that only gathered dust in a her basement.
Now some will say that she is weak, she has no self motivation. Why can't she just stop overeating, do some exercise, cut back on carbs, sugar, fats etc, etc, etc. Is this surgery a cope out for fat people who just don't want to do the work and stick to it? Am I coping out if I go thru with the surgery? Are all the individuals who have had the gastric weight loss surgery just weak losers?  

On February 2007 my beloved 37 yrs old sister had weight loss surgery. She, like most of us, struggled with her weight all her life. I called her the day of her surgery only to speak to a groggy, soft speaking, version of herself, stating only that she was in pain. After 2 or 3 days we talked and she was still in pain and taking full advantage of her prescription for pain killers. Her recovery was as expected, the first two weeks were the hardest but after that she seemed fine. We talked on the phone weekly, her with her protein shakes and I eating my full plate of spaghetti. In two months she called me with the great news "I lost 30 lbs!!!" Great! , I said as I lay in bed with a full stomach from just eating dinner. In June she came to visit me, it was a surprise, SURPRISE! As I opened the door I was speechless as I stared at this figure before me. My sister, best friend, and buddy in crime was right there in front of me, but only half the size. She really looked great and for the first time in many years she really looked happy. She stood tall, as if she had lost all this weight but with it had gained a load of confidence. I felt a bit jealous but I was excited for her. As the the days progressed I saw her wearing nice fitting clothes, no more loose fitting outfits. She wanted to show off her new thinner body, heck who wouldn't feel liberated after being surrounded by so much skin. She'd wake up early ready to face another great day, as I sluggishly got up to another miserable, fat existence. Her stay here was short but I was happy to see her and spend time with her. The day she left we weight each other I weighed in at a whopping 278 and challenged her to see who would loose more weight. It's Aug now and she has lost an extra 15 lbs and I have gained another 10 lbs,. You decide who's winning. 

I have to to tell you that I always wanted to be a poet, yes I did. I wrote a lot of poems but they were all about death, dying, pain, loneliness and sorrow so I stopped writing. What is my agony you ask? Well, I am one more woman that looks at herself in the mirror and utterly cringes at the person who is staring back at her. This woman has issues, you must be thinking to yourself and actually, yes I do, but where do I begin. 
I am not saying I am as awful looking as I think I am (?) but I am to some degree. If you were to see me walking down the street you might not even look twice but then again you just might depending on your way of thinking. You see I am morbidly obese. There I wrote it. I still cannot bring myself to say those two words out loud. I am morbidly obese, what exactly comes to mind as I write these words ... according to the free online dictionary it means:

MORBID: Of, relating to, or caused by disease; pathological or diseased.
OBESE: Extremely fat; grossly overweight.

So I am pathologically extremely, grossly fat or overweight. How you like them apples. If I close my eyes and try to envision what someone with such a horrible description must look like, it isn't me. Am I that grossly fat person?  
Doctors said so, dictionaries said so, heck that BMI calculator thingy said so. And so I am. When I look at pictures of when I was younger in grammar school or high School I don't see a fat person. Though I was ridiculed many times and called fat, I cannot see it. I had about 15 pounds too many in High school but is this overweight enough to be called fat. The school nurse never complained to my parents that I needed to lose weight. I loved gym class and was very active. Ah, I loved lunch break too and never thought cafeteria food was gross, but it that enough to call me fat. So move forward about 18 yrs later and here I am. I hate going out, it's taking a toll on my sex life with my husband, and I can't even walk from one end of my house to the other without being out of breathe, fat clothes are way too expensive, I heard it was because they need to use more material, 

What is all this hype about Bariatric surgery I keep hearing about??? Oh, can this be my miracle? Is this the break thru I have been waiting on for over 25 yrs??? I have tried and failed every diet out here. How many "I'll start my diet Monday" is there in a lifetime? I have had many gym memberships, wasted tons of money, time, sweat, tears and yet I am still Morbidly Obese. Is this finally my answer?